Seriously distruping

October 8th, 2008 · 77 comments

Found on the street by Joe in Somerville, Mass…

Ruthie, You have been asked many, many times not to leave notes. As this DISTRUPS the work of my fellow employees. Please respect my fellow employees and stop leaving notes. Thank you...

related: Oh, the irony

→ 77 CommentsFILED UNDER: CAPS LOCK · meta · Somerville · spelling and grammar police


An inconvenient truth

October 7th, 2008 · 87 comments

Al Gore would likely be pleased hear that Marc in San Diego rides his bike (a vintage blue Colnago) to work in the mornings. A certain evangelical bike messenger, however, was less than impressed.

Dear Crazy Person: Buy a DECENT LOCK! Dude! You're riding a f-in COLNAGO! I should steal on PRINCIPLE, since it would take all of 10 seconds. I'm just here to help...

Marc says he’s since ditched his old cable lock. “After this note taught me the error of my ways, I now keep my bike inside where it’s safe.”

related: Next on thieves with low self-esteem

→ 87 CommentsFILED UNDER: "helpful" advice · bicycle · stealing


Listing in Now Magazine’s adult classifieds: $70. Revenge?

October 6th, 2008 · 76 comments

…well, you know how it goes.

The listing is NOW MAGAZINE is INCORRECT. We don't provide the services usually fulfilled by your left hand. If you have to knock, you don't belong here, so PLEASE LEAVE.

Meanwhile, in Melbourne…

Sorry, this premises no longer providers "erotic relaxation" or any other service of that nature.

And in London…

THIS IS NOT A BROTHEL!!

…a saucy variation on a much-photographed placard from London’s Soho:

THIS IS NOT A BROTHEL THERE ARE NO PROSTITUTES AT THIS ADDRESS

But my favorite sign was spotted by Nick at a backpacker’s hostel in Rio:

Prostitutes are strictly forbidden to come upstairs. We recommend you go to Panda Motel at Sao Clemente, 298.

related: The whore of West Babylon

→ 76 CommentsFILED UNDER: "customer service" · Australia · Canada · Melbourne · Rio de Janeiro · sex sex sex · Toronto


Dear assholes

October 3rd, 2008 · 104 comments

I think we’ve received some of your mail by mistake. Just wanted to pass these along!

xoxo, PAN

Dear Assholes, I do not steal. I have never stolen from you. Why should you do that to me? CAN'T AFFORD A DOLLAR...GET A JOB

Dear Assholes, It's all good and well if you want to sneak out here to drink your beer, but please CLEAN UP after yourselves. This is the woods, not your trash can. Sincerely, The trees, the ferns, the groundhogs, all the other creatures that have to live in your mess

Dear Asshole, 6 spaces? Park the boat, then go out. I hope you can appreciate that I took the time to write + place this. I also hope, as much as I hope to get a cordless drill this X-mas, that you get towed. God.

Dear Assholes, Hope you enjoyed me liquor. It was my last bottle EVER and it was GREAT to wake up and find it all gone. Especially since I barely got any myself. Congratulations, you stole from a homeless, dirt-poor alcoholic minor. Hope you feel great about that.

related: Arrivederci, asshole

→ 104 CommentsFILED UNDER: "customer service" · beer · garbage · God · parking · stealing · The Earth


A “discussion” on shoes

October 2nd, 2008 · 108 comments

My favorite part of this two-page glory? The flash of insight on page 2: “I realize that last sentence is phrased as a question, but really it is more of a statement.”

(flip over for a discussion on shoes)

Shoes...let's get some shoes.

related: care, it makes a difference

→ 108 CommentsFILED UNDER: CAPS LOCK · cleaning · confusion??? · exclamation-point happy!!!! · grow up · high on highlighter · martyr complex · roommates · shoes · spelling and grammar police


What $48,000 a year gets you

October 1st, 2008 · 94 comments

Jenny says these notes have started showing up in several of the bathroom stalls in her freshman dorm at Oberlin College. As far she knows, none of her fellow frosh have taken the custodians up on their suggestion…but who knows what’ll happen once Parents’ Weekend rolls around?

THERE IS NO TOILET PAPER USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. CUSTODIANS ARE TIRED OF BEGGING FOR SUPPLIES INCLUDING TOILET PAPER. E-MAIL OR CALL THE PRESIDENT OF OBERLIN COLLEGE @OBERLIN.EDU OR 58400

So, President Krislov… care to comment?

related: You might want to take a hard look at your washcloth first

→ 94 CommentsFILED UNDER: college life · disgruntled janitor · Ohio · toilet paper


How I “did” my Grandma

September 30th, 2008 · 88 comments

“My dear, sweet grandmother lived a long, full life and passed away recently at the age of 88,” writes Mark in Denton, Texas, but he still has the valentine his “Memaw” sent him back in 2005, during his freshman year of college.

Before the cockles of your heart get too warmed, however, take note: says Mark, “What appears at first glance to be an innocent, heartfelt valentine turned out to contain a message that pretty much sums up how she felt about me going to college a whole hour-and-a-half away, rather than the crappy local college…because apparently, that was my way of saying that my home and family just weren’t important to me.”

You will remember how you are doing me when I am gone.

On behalf of Jewish grandmas everywhere…Happy Rosh Hashanah, everyone!

related: Why is it on this night we’re like, allowed to eat carbs?

→ 88 CommentsFILED UNDER: college life · family · Grandma · guilt trip · Say wha? · signed with love · Texas


Who moved my cheese?

September 29th, 2008 · 175 comments

Presenting — in honor of British Cheese Weekthree approaches to cheese thievery:

1) Play dumb.

Hey, I'm sure it was a mistake, but I went to the fridge to open a new block of cheese I bought for myself and I found it opened, used, and left unwrapped. What happened? I am confused. Sarah

2) Get tough.

 Note to Cheese/Salami Thief: 1. Campus Security has been notified 2. Lathrop Hall is now on campus 'Orange' alert level of security 3. All building security cameras have been activated. Note: Too much cheese can cause gastro-intestinal distress

3) Oh, F it.

To whoever ate my cheese: fuck you!

related: The right to bear fruit

→ 175 CommentsFILED UNDER: cheese · fridge · stealing


Just one question…

September 28th, 2008 · 119 comments

WHY?!?

Seriously?

Dear Peter, Are you Retarded? Love, Sean

related: Two words: missing tarantula.

→ 119 CommentsFILED UNDER: confusion??? · family · food · office · Ontario · signed with love · Texas


I’ll tell you what’s classy, though…

September 25th, 2008 · 157 comments

“Let me preface this by saying that the ladies’ room at work is quite clean,” writes Angie in Stamford, Connecticut. “I’m not saying it’s where I eat my lunch, but it’s a very satisfactory restroom.”

It was something of a surprise, then, Angie says, when this sign appeared on each of the walls and stall doors.

COURTESY 101: Ladies - When you are done handling your business please spray. It is not lady like or classy to leave lingering aromas.

In particular, Angie would like to draw your attention to the lower left-hand portion of the sign. “There are several lessons to be learned here,” she says, “perhaps most importantly that one should spray one’s corpses prior to placing them in the ladies’ room.”

related: When you can’t blame the dog

→ 157 CommentsFILED UNDER: bathroom · clip art catastrophe · Connecticut · odor · office · Stamford