How do you say, “This is not the right place for bad clip art” in Norwegian?

August 11th, 2008 · 80 comments

What do you do when words alone can’t express the depth of your feeling? In the business world, you turn to clip art. And specifically, you turn to screen beans.

If you’ve seen a PowerPoint presentation in the last decade, you’re most likely familiar with screen beans, the clip art collection that will not die.

Says one fan: “Sreen beans are GREAT! they have personality! You have to have imagination and a sense of humor to appreciate them.” You do not, however, have to be an English speaker.

Our anonymous submitter from Norway found this sign in a dirty corner of a factory where he’s been working this summer.

(Loose translation from the Norwegian: IF YOU FEEL THE URGE TO PEE, USE A TOILET. THIS IS NOT THE RIGHT PLACE.)

“The really funny thing about it,” our submitter says, “is that someone has peed (several times) on the actual sign!”

IF YOU FEEL THE URGE TO PEE, USE A TOILET. THIS IS NOT THE RIGHT PLACE.

related: Stop! in the name of clip art

extra credit: Absolute PowerPoint [thenewyorker.com]
Powerpoint is evil [wired.com]

→ 80 CommentsFILED UNDER: CAPS LOCK · clip art catastrophe · Norway · piss


How Berkeley

August 10th, 2008 · 155 comments

Omar says he found this tucked underneath the windshield his car in Noe Valley, a neighborhood of San Francisco “inhabited by self-centered jackasses — myself included, if you believe this note.”

You are selfishly consuming two 2 parking spaced. How Berkeley.Think next time. Don't be so self-centered. Space, as you know, is hard to come by. May the fleas of a thousand camels invade your armpits.

Adds Omar: “I should clarify: The author of this masterpiece is talking about residential street parking, not a private/public lot with clearly designated lines or, for that matter, even metered street parking. I like to think of myself as a fairly considerate person; clearly I’m nowhere near considerate enough.” (Not by Northern Californian standards, at least.)

related: The parking class

→ 155 CommentsFILED UNDER: Bay Area · California · parking · San Francisco


Like nails on a keyboard

August 7th, 2008 · 270 comments

Nicole in Australia says this note was left anonymously on her coworker’s computer. “We work in a fairly small office and no one will own up to putting the note there,” she says…not that they necessarily disagree with the sentiment.

Think about it, though. Which is worse: the click-click-click of long fingernails on a keyboard, or the snip-snip of a coworker clipping his nails on company time?

Cut your nails!!! Or stop tapping them on keyboard. It drives us all nuts.

related: At least it wasn’t “grand valse”

→ 270 CommentsFILED UNDER: Australia · noise · office · on behalf of everyone


Massive canine infestation

August 5th, 2008 · 217 comments

Tom from Cambridge, England spotted this notice posted in “the tiniest little toilet in my college hall” — so tiny, he says, there’s “barely enough room to fit a dog in there if you tried.” (But a few raw steaks? Perhaps!)

Due to massive canine infestation we must ask you to please not leave any uncovered food out in this bathroom. Thank you Housekeeping

(Massive Canine Infestation: sharing the stage with The Light Brown Apple Moth Debacle at a Warped Tour show near you!)

related: So many questions

→ 217 CommentsFILED UNDER: bathroom · CAPS LOCK · college life · food · fun with malapropisms · Say wha? · toilet · U.K. · vermin · WTF?


Mahvelous, just mahvelous

August 4th, 2008 · 274 comments

Writes Michael in Milton Keynes, England: “I have an ex-service ambulance which I use as a van. I had parked it on the road round the corner from me for a couple of weeks, and after two days I got a call from the town council’s abandoned vehicle unit. Then I got a few calls from the police. Today, when I decided to move it, I found this note on the window. I was almost tempted to buy something and abandon it there for real now…but that would be bad, wouldn’t it?”

related: But He took the wheel

→ 274 CommentsFILED UNDER: "polite notice" · parking · there goes the neighborhood · U.K.


The two-word compromise you’re looking for: zip wire

August 3rd, 2008 · 182 comments

An anonymous submitter in Ann Arbor, Michigan received this e-mail from a guy who just moved into her co-op (“basically a co-ed frat house”) for the rest of the summer. “We’ve tried to reason with him,” she says, to no avail. “When asked why he has to get up so early, he says, ‘I have important things to do in the morning,’ and that’s it.”

the two-word compromise you're looking for: zip wire

The even bigger mystery? Wonders our submitter: “Why, if he needs complete silence at night, did he move in with 16 other college kids on summer break?”

related: there will come soft pains

→ 182 CommentsFILED UNDER: and that's an order · college life · drizzunk · e-mail · Michigan · noise · questionable logic · roommates · sleeping · spelling and grammar police · thanks (but not really)


Bleak House

July 31st, 2008 · 219 comments

“A few years back I was living in a halfway house in Canberra where theft from the communal kitchen was a common problem,” writes Alex in Australia. “One morning we woke to discover that the fridge had gone missing.” (The coffee in question was stolen from a cupboard, but apparently the owner thought removing the fridge was the best form of attack.)

STEAL MY COFFEE!! NO MORE. NO FRIDGE UNTIL I AM COMPENSATED $3.00 SUNDAY, 8-8-04 U KNOW WHO YOU ARE

The fridge incident went unresolved for many months, Alex says, because none of the residents could be bothered to move it back inside…and nobody had $3 to spare. In fact, he says, no one ever seemed all too concerned about the whole thing, explaining, “because we spent most of our money on vice, we had no food to put in the fridge anyway.”

Eventually (long afterAlex moved out) the fridge was declared a traffic hazard, and a charity took it away.

related: Um, Rene Hall?

→ 219 CommentsFILED UNDER: actions speak louder · Australia · Canberra · CAPS LOCK · fridge · money · questionable logic · roommates · stealing · You call that punctuation? · you know who you are


Passive-aggressive mad libs

July 30th, 2008 · 132 comments

This note from a “friendly neighbor” was put through the mailslot of Dan’s apartment in the heart of South Philly. Says Dan: “I wanted to put ‘thanks for the advice!’ on the door in response, but thought better of it.”

Hey, Trash goes out Tuesday Night after 7:00 p.m. + should be put out on the curb, not against the house. You may want to invest in trash cans for the back of the property or ask the owner of the building to do so. Thanks, Friendly Neighbor

As infuriating as the note was, “I do love how they phoned in the underlining on ‘of’ and ‘the,’ then went to town with ‘curb,’” Dan says. “Thank you, friendly neighbor, for the best piece of bulletin board material I’ve ever gotten.”

related: Two birds with one snowman

→ 132 CommentsFILED UNDER: excessive underlining · garbage · gloriously redundant · neighbors · Philadelphia


What we didn’t learn at Comicon: a passive-aggressive show & tell

July 29th, 2008 · 104 comments

First, the “tell” part: I know it’s ridiculous, but I still have a mini existential crisis every time a friend/colleague/family member forwards me a passive-aggressive-themed article or cartoon along with a remark like “this made me think of you!”or “hey, passive-aggressive girl!” (I comfort myself with the thought that hey, at least I didn’t decide to go with a more “technically accurate” site name like notesfromcrazyassholesanduptightbitches.com.)

Now, for the show: on Monday, Jon Stewart uttered a phrase I’ve heard from visitors to this site on, oh, let’s say more than one occasion. Meanwhile, this is the second week in a row that the words “passive-aggressive” have featured prominently in The New Yorker. here’s this week’s:

The Passive-Aggressive Door-Holding Game

Of course, this is well-trodden territory for the most excellent web comic Toothpaste for Dinner.  Last week, several discerning readers pointed me toward the latest:

PLEASE stop being so passive-aggressive.

If you take a spin through the Toothpaste for Dinner archives, you’ll find even more familiar themes. Here’s a sampling:

Toothpaste For Dinner

 

And of course, xkcd never disappoints.


Thanks to Kate and Ellen in New York, Diane and Mary in Chicago, Lisa in Minnesota, Segat in the U.K., and Zack M. for sending these our way!

extra credit: The New Yorker anti-caption contest [radosh.net]

→ 104 CommentsFILED UNDER: meta


Fight or flight

July 28th, 2008 · 196 comments

In terms of the appropriate sympathetic nervous system response, an e-mail subject line like “big favor” is kinda the modern cubicle-dweller’s equivalent of “Saber-tooth tiger outside cave!”

To the South side of the office, If you are wearing a perfume or cologne or whatever it is - I had to run to the bathroom to vomit - I will tremendously Appreciate if you minimize wearing it. Thank you so much.  I was going to ask you since last week but I cannot stand it anymore. Thank you.

(Note: this e-mail, our Seattle-area submitter says, is from the very same person who brought us this.)

related: Perhaps it’s time for a little group therapy?

→ 196 CommentsFILED UNDER: all-staff e-mail · irregular capitalization · odor · office · oh no you didn't · Seattle · thanks (but not really) · vomit