A deep-seated issue

July 17th, 2008 · 620 comments

Marcus in Leicester, U.K. found this stuck to the lid of the toilet by one of his housemates. “I’d understand if it was the seat,” he says, “but the lid?”

Marcus: It seems that you are unaware of the fact that is is considered a social norm to close the toilet lid after you have used it. I hope this information is helpful.

I’m with Marcus, here — I don’t think this is some kind of Dear Abby “does the toilet paper go over or under?” type issue. Is there anyone else who considers closing the toilet lid de rigueur?

related: dearest roommate

→ 620 CommentsFILED UNDER: "helpful" advice · "up for debate" · etiquette · toilet · U.K.


I do, however, have a very charming coat rack

July 17th, 2008 · 151 comments

Christoph found this polite and friendly note on the door of his apartment in San Francisco. a reasonable enough request, to be sure, except for the fact that — despite his neighbor’s claimed omniscience — “I don’t own any exercise equipment.”

Admits Christoph: “The sound in question was likely a swivel chair…and my habit of rolling back and forth on it at 2 a.m.”

Dear Neighbor, A Polite and friendly note to let you know — I really do know every time you use the stair climber or exercise equipment that's in your bedroom area. Could you put some more carpet under the machine or something to make it quieter on the floor? I can hear everything you do in the bedroom area — the walls and floors in our apartments are very thin! Everything you say and do like walking around — I hear. I don't want to stop your exercise routine — but using the machine at 2am in the morning wakens me and your other neighbors. Thanks for helping

Meanwhile, Kate spotted this lonely stair-climber in the front yard of a nearby house in Snohomish, Washington. “It made me wonder whose stairmaster it really was,” Kate says, “and who wrote the note.” (A newly self-aware infomercial enthusiast? A bitter spouse?)

I'M FAT & LAZY! YOU STILL HAVE A CHANCE! FREE!

Alas, Kate says, “We may never know. The underused piece of exercise equipment was gone by morning.”

related: If you needed an excuse to skip the gym today
extra credit: The hawaii chair [youtube.com]

→ 151 CommentsFILED UNDER: a little patronizing · hey fatty · irregular capitalization · neighbors · noise · San Francisco · Washington state


“When the people fear their government, there is tyranny.”

July 16th, 2008 · 200 comments

“This morning we were reminded via an office-wide email that we must comply with the official timekeeping rules,” writes an anonymous federal employee in Colorado. “That means recording the correct times time sheets, not being absent during core hours without submitting a leave slip, not being off campus except for lunch hour or approved leave — you know, everything short of requiring hall passes to use the restrooms.” (Really, would you expect anything less from the United States government?)

Later that day, a print-out appeared on the bulletin board for a training called “dealing with difficult people.”

FEAR: Are you reading this while on approved leave? If not, you could be FIRED - the very first time it happens! Remember: "Friends don't let friends go to work unless they're terrified of losing their job!"

This follow-up note was posted soon after.

You wouldn't be afraid if you were doing it right. You work for the federal government not McDonald's. Anonymous passive aggressive notes help solve the problem! Keep leaving them right here! You are awesome and mature!

Adds our submitter: “As far as I know, no one has actually been fired or threatened with firing for not complying.” (Again, this is the federal government we’re talking about.)

related: Four approaches to ice-cube maintenance

extra credit: “The Audacity of Government” [thisamericanlife.org]

→ 200 CommentsFILED UNDER: CAPS LOCK · Colorado · Comic Sans Alert · fired · McDonalds · meta · not-so-veiled threats · now that's management · office · the government


Sincerely, Mr. Ed

July 15th, 2008 · 135 comments

Our anonymous submitter in California — pleading innocence — says she was singled out with this note in a barn that houses 60 other horses and their hay.

Hello there, It has come to my attention that you are frequently out of hay. And there seems to be hay missing from a lot of people. My hay in particular seems to be going really fast. I keep careful track of my hay and there are people who are watching my things as well. I do realize that it is expensive to maintain a horse. And we all do what we can for the welfare of our horses. But taking someone's hay is not the answer. I really hope you find another way to deal with your situation. It this continues I will be forced to go to management. We all are here for the horses and there fore must get along, and by stealing you are breeding bad vibes. Also, if you continue to steal that is bad karma for you. What goes around comes around. Try to remember that the next time you steal my hay. Thanks

This note’s lack of obvious sitcom-ish puns — with the exception of “breeding good vibes” — makes me think that maybe I’ve been doing this too long…or perhaps that I haven’t been giving horses enough credit.

related: four legs good, two legs bad
extra credit: fourteen passive-aggressive appetizers [thenewyorker.com]

→ 135 CommentsFILED UNDER: horses, cows, & chickens · I'm telling on you! · karma's a bitch · Los Angeles · stealing


Garçon à la pipe?

July 13th, 2008 · 143 comments

This masterpiece is a gift from the collection of Zedral (Morgantown, West Virginia, 2008). The original installation also includes a trail of small arrows pointing customers toward the register, along with multiple post-it reiterations along the way.

For the love of God...Please GO as in get in line at the register if you want a pipe. DO NOTE whistle, clap, snap your finger, mumble "hey you" or anything else you would do to a dog. Come and get us at the cash register.

related: Ceci n’est pas une note passif-agressif

→ 143 CommentsFILED UNDER: "customer service" · CAPS LOCK · excessive underlining · Morgantown · retail hell


So many questions

July 10th, 2008 · 185 comments

What kind of objectionable trash do you suppose is being disposed of in these bins? (Half-eaten curries? Yesterday’s Times?) How many hours of company time did the sign’s designer spend on this full-color laminated masterpiece? What is that comma doing there? and how, exactly, how are these bins to be monitored?

No trash in feminine hygiene bins. The misuse of these bins will now be monitored, and reported to management.

related: Servicing over a half-billion people…each and every day

→ 185 CommentsFILED UNDER: bathroom · big brother-ish · CAPS LOCK · clip art catastrophe · garbage · Ireland · now that's management · office


Sheena is a paintballer

July 9th, 2008 · 181 comments

Where do you suppose this “anomous” Tampa, Florida resident stands on the whole nature-vs.-nurture debate?

PAINTBALL "PUNK" YOU WERE RAISED BY: TOTAL IDIOT PARENTS!

The Apple did not fall far from the tree! Your dad = idiot, son = little idiot $250 REWARD NAME THE IDIOT THAT SHOT PAINTBALL AT MY DOOR!

PARENTING 101 LEARN TO BE A REAL PARENT 10 LESSONS FREE CLASS

Interested? here’s a free preview!

Crappy parents > Bozo kids; Caring parents > very nice kids

related: Your to lazy

→ 181 CommentsFILED UNDER: "helpful" advice · CAPS LOCK · crazypants · dubious scientific claims · exclamation-point happy!!!! · Florida · gloriously redundant · irregular capitalization · kids today · Moms & Dads · most popular notes of 2008 · neighbors · spelling and grammar police · Tampa · the lawn · unnecessary "quotation marks"


The womb that would birth a thousand excuses

July 8th, 2008 · 214 comments

The most irritating part of finding this note propped on her keyboard, says Jackie in Philly, is that she wasn’t the person who requested dark chocolate in the office vending machine. “In fact, I can’t stand the stuff!” (In that case…hello, baby shower gift?)

Hi Jackie, Since you requested the dark chocolate, please eat it. The pregnant person needs chocolate & your bars are taking up valuable space for GOOD TASTING chocolate. :)

related: Bun — er, — pizza in the oven

→ 214 CommentsFILED UNDER: office · Philadelphia · preggers · smiley · vending machine drama


There will come soft pains

July 7th, 2008 · 239 comments

This bit of poetry is brought to us by Alex in Vancouver, an innocent observer on the scene.

Words cannot express how thankful I am for waking me up this morning. I forgot to set my alarm and would have slept in until at least ten otherwise. How did you know that I really wanted to get up at five-thirty? Do either of you have ESP? If so, you should definitely make use of your talent. Also, how did you know that I had grown tired of the peaceful sound of the rain? I haven't told anyone. Listening to you argue about how drunk Jim was, making food loudly, running around the house, and crinkling a plastic wrapper for what may have been an hour completely pushed the sound of rain from my ears! Huzzah! If only you were around now, the damned rain is back and the fridge isn't loud enough. So again, many thanks to you both for a most wonderful pre-dawn.

→ 239 CommentsFILED UNDER: drizzunk · noise · roommates · sarcasm · sleeping · thanks (but not really) · Vancouver


Graham, this means you

July 6th, 2008 · 126 comments

Eli says this sign has been hanging in the window of the local pizza place for several weeks now. (Really, with that whole “talking and working” requirement, are you surprised they weren’t deluged with applications?)

Cardo's Pizza is now hiring. Please do not apply if your oversleep, have no babysitter, expirience [sic] flat tires every week, have to leave early for probabtion meetings, can't go 10 minutes without talking on a cell phone or smoking. Must be able to talk and work at the same time.

related: Bizarre pardoning accident

→ 126 CommentsFILED UNDER: CAPS LOCK · help wanted · now that's management · spelling and grammar police