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As Davy Crockett once said…

September 8th, 2008 · 146 comments

I recently returned from a few days in San Antonio, Texas, where my friend Matt and I amused ourselves on the Riverwalk with a competition to find the tackiest souvenir possible in each store within three minutes or less. (My first win: a “pooping armadillo” keychain.) When we entered this fine establishment, however, I had to call a time-out.

as davy crockett once said...

as davy crockett once said...

as davy crockett once said...

as davy crocket once said...

as davy crockett once said...

as davy crockett once said...

as davy crockett once said...

as davy crockett once said...

as davy crockett once said...

I didn’t even get a chance to take photos of all the signs at this one store — including some amazing ones taped to the register — before I started getting the stink-eye from the manager. (I generally try to stay out of trouble in states that allow their teachers to come to class armed.) I’m telling you, Alamo, Schmalamo: this store was the highlight of my trip.

related: Tourist traps have the best signs

→ 146 CommentsFILED UNDER: "customer service" · blitzkrieg approach · excessive underlining · exclamation-point happy!!!! · heart · high on highlighter · San Antonio · Texas · touching · tourists

The xenophobic toilet

September 8th, 2008 · 59 comments

Our anonymous submitter in Helsinki, Finland says this note has been in every stall in the women’s restroom at her office for as long as she’s worked there.

Puzzlingly, she says, “Most all the women who work here are native speakers of Finnish, so I’m not sure why the note is mainly in English.” (Nor is she sure what the author was trying to convey with his/her choice of red, yellow and green text.)

Please be gentle with my delicate pipes. I WILL clog if you put foreign objects in me, so please use the wastebasket for paper towels, etc. Kiitos Paljon, The Toilet

Oh, and your Finnish language lesson of the day: kiitos paljon means “many thanks.”

related: I asked Santa for a baby alive, and all I got was this stupid dishwasher

→ 59 CommentsFILED UNDER: all clogged up · anthropomorphism · CAPS LOCK · Finland · Helsinki · office · toilet

The PANtheistic approach

September 7th, 2008 · 86 comments

At Yale Divinity School, the daily chapel service is followed by a coffee hour. Apparently, says Sara in New Haven, “Some who skip chapel were helping themselves to the goodies before the intended time. Looks like the ‘keeper of the snacks’ has something to say about this.”

if you take anything from here...I KNOW ABOUT IT. (because i am everywhere) -the holy spirit

don't make me pull out my lightning bolts. sincerely, god (zeus version)

Meanwhile, John in Sudbury, Massachusetts spotted this humble plea outside the local Catholic church.

Please return traffic cones -God

related: So much for turning the other cheek

→ 86 CommentsFILED UNDER: food · God · guilt trip · Massachusetts · New Haven

Making time for the important things in life…like Facebook apps.

September 5th, 2008 · 65 comments

Spotted by an anonymous bullshit cop in Knoxville, Tennessee…

OMFG — I have more important things to think about (like my child) than your stupid ass middle school drama! Get over it & leave me alone! Have a nice day :D

related: Facebook schoolyard smackdown

→ 65 CommentsFILED UNDER: Facebook · Knoxville · smiley

The sink half-empty

September 4th, 2008 · 66 comments

Our anonymous submitter sneakily snapped a photo of the whiteboard at a friend’s house in Urbana, Illinois.

Guys, can we stop leaving dishes on the edge of the sink + just put them in the sink or better yet in the dishwasher?

related: Oh sweetie, I love it when you talk dirty!

→ 66 CommentsFILED UNDER: dishes · dishwasher · excessive underlining · Illinois · rebuttals · roommates · signed with love · Urbana · whiteboard

Just doing their part to uphold the reputation of Americans abroad

September 2nd, 2008 · 119 comments

Edward says this sign was posted on every floor and inside all the elevators at the hotel that headquartered UCLA’s study abroad program in Granada, Spain last semester.

UCLA STUDENTS: Do not smear cheese on the hotel's door. Otherwise we will have to pay the extra cleaning costs to the hotel (approximately 30 EUROS for last night's episode!!!!!!) If you plan to celebrate end of classes tonight, do it quietly or else do it outside the hotel. Last night other guests complained about UCLA's noise!!!!

Can you blame them? I mean, really — what a waste of perfectly good manchego!

related: Are you proud to be an American?

→ 119 CommentsFILED UNDER: actually totally reasonable · Americans abroad · cheese · college life · exclamation-point happy!!!! · noise · Spain

Currently on the table: a guest towel visa program

September 1st, 2008 · 75 comments

Our anonymous submitter says his coworkers were taking stacks of paper towels from the bathroom and putting them in kitchen.

“HR evidently does not agree with this practice and decided to enact a one-towel play in the breakroom kitchen,” he says. (The office billing manager added the follow-up on the towels’ behalf.)

I am a hand towel for RESTROOM dispenser. I don't like kitchens. I want the right to choose where I live. Thank you - Kitchen paper towel

related: This is not positive communication

→ 75 CommentsFILED UNDER: anthropomorphism · kitchen · rebuttals

Coming soon: the all-you-can-spell buffet

August 31st, 2008 · 80 comments

Jesse says he spotted this sign at a great Mongolian restaurant in the Dallas area. “They recently changed their name from Ton’s Mongolian Grill to Tao’s garden, but apparently they haven’t figured out how to spell it yet.”

Tao''s Gadren [sic] offers all you can buffet not all you can waste. Thank you!

related: Best. Potluck. Theme. Ever.

→ 80 CommentsFILED UNDER: "customer service" · CAPS LOCK · Dallas/Fort Worth · food · restaurant · spelling and grammar police

Please pick up your dirty laundry ASAP

August 28th, 2008 · 127 comments

Says our anonymous Facebook user in Ottawa: “It’s exactly what it looks like.”

Your stuff is packed and sitting in the garage!!! Please pick up ASAP...sick of the lying and cheating....

related: In daylights? In sunsets? In midnights? In posts on Facebook?

→ 127 CommentsFILED UNDER: ex drama · Facebook · Ottawa

The right to bear fruit

August 27th, 2008 · 172 comments

Three U.S. cities where nature-lovers might want to keep their hands to themselves:

1. Austin, Texas

To the people who keep digging up and stealing plants from this garden...The surrounding neighbors have been alerted and are keeping watch now. (Some are ex-Military are not afraid to chase after you or shout.) I'm serious!!! This is private property! You are trespassing and committing a crime. I'm not rich and I like my garden go get a second job if you want plants! I'm warning you!

2. Macon, Georgia

To the Fucktard who stole my watermellon [sic]: It was not even RIPE yet. But I'm sure you didn't notice when you were high on crack. Leave my fucking plants alone! —Proud owner of a .45 and a 38 special

3. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

The Mayor and The Police have been notified — WATCHING for any more Flower destruction and Theft

(Thanks to Don in Austin, Elizabeth in Macon, and Jasmine in Pittsburgh for risking the wrath of some devoted gardening/second amendment enthusiasts to document these warnings.)

related: No “questions” asked

→ 172 CommentsFILED UNDER: Austin · blame it on the crackhead · CAPS LOCK · exclamation-point happy!!!! · flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · Georgia · Macon · neighbors · not-so-veiled threats · Pittsburgh · spelling and grammar police · stealing