Why is it that on this night we’re, like, allowed to eat carbs?

April 20th, 2008 · 47 comments

You gotta love my Grandma Cookie — she’s always looking out for my figure!

Make the matzo balls light!!

(This is why the Seder calls for the drinking of four cups of wine.)

related: too many
extra credit: our stomachs, ourselves [heeb]

→ 47 CommentsFILED UNDER: animated fucking e-card · Grandma · holiday spirit


No girls allowed

April 18th, 2008 · 98 comments

Writes Bailey in Oklahoma: “My nine-year-old brother hung the original note on his door when I came home from college for Christmas. After I laughed it off, he left a special note just for me. When I walked in anyway, he yelled, “Didn’t you see the sign?!?’ I can’t believe I’m being patronized by a third-grader.”

This is a boys only room. No girls can enter except my girl cousin. This includes you Bailey.

(Don’t worry, Bailey, you’re not the only one.)

related: No kids allowed!

→ 98 CommentsFILED UNDER: battle of the sexes · kids · siblings · visual aids


And please don’t step on any cracks, either

April 16th, 2008 · 126 comments

After six months of backpacking through Australia, my former roommate Robin stopped by her mom’s house on Long Island to unload her giant pack of souvenirs, leftover trail mix, and unwashed underwear. Her crucial mistake — besides the basic one: returning back home to mom as an adult — leaving an unopened can of planter’s peanuts on the floor of her room…within sight of her mom, who is, um, deathly allergic to peanuts.

The note she left was simple enough, but for Robin, the subtext was clear: “What, you’ve been back one day, and already you’re trying to kill me?”

PLEASE DO NOT EAT IN THE HOUSE THANKS MOM

“Honestly, I’m pretty surprised she didn’t add in ‘…OR I WILL DIE!!!’ at the end,” says Robin. “But the dirty looks I got from my stepdad the rest of the day basically said as much.” After getting a very thorough talking-to the next day about the finer points of washing cast-iron cookware, she decided it was definitely time to get her own place.

related: Cleaning party!

→ 126 CommentsFILED UNDER: food · Moms & Dads · New York · pleasantries as afterthought


Stop! In the name of clip art.

April 15th, 2008 · 80 comments

Like this phrase, there are a few irritating little pieces of clip art that keep popping up in submissions over and over again. Hovering somewhere near the top of most-wanted list is this pouty little white-gloved dandy.

From the factories of Pittsburgh…

STOP TAKING OTHER PEOPLE'S FOOD OUT OF THE REFRIGERATOR FREEZER IF IT DOESN'T BELONG TO YOU!

…to the cube-farms of Virginia, this perspiring misanthrope has been spreading his message of intolerance with impunity.

But, once again, it’s a note from a church bathroom (this one spotted by Jess in Boston) that really pushes things to a whole new level of divine didacticism.

No! Stop!

Can I get a witness?!

related: clip art crimes

→ 80 CommentsFILED UNDER: bathroom · Boston · CAPS LOCK · clip art catastrophe · exclamation-point happy!!!! · gloriously redundant · most popular notes of 2008 · neighbors · office fridge · Pittsburgh


The fruitcake’s in the mail

April 15th, 2008 · 99 comments

“Not long before I left my previous job writing reviews of video games, I got this little gem from someone involved in the production of a game I didn’t exactly care for,” Alex says. “Game-makers bitching about reviews is nothing new, but rarely do they do it with as much sarcastic flair as this one does.”

the fruitcake's in the mail

related: An occasion that Blue Mountain Arts has yet to animate

→ 99 CommentsFILED UNDER: apostrophe abuse · e-mail · holiday spirit · sarcasm · thanks (but not really)


Or take a cab!!!

April 14th, 2008 · 73 comments

Cameron says the window cases in her college dorm are typically filled with run-of-the-mill upcoming event calendars or bland motivational posters, so this educational display caught her a little off guard.

or take a cab!!!

related: No bread and circuses! But maybe an ice cream social?

→ 73 CommentsFILED UNDER: college life · driving · New York · RA · that's illegal · visual aids


Maybe if it was Hawaiian shirt day?

April 11th, 2008 · 52 comments

Alexa in Texas works in a graduate lab of five students. One Friday, she says, “our advisor came in around 9:30 a.m. looking for us. No dice: except for one poor guy, we were all out.” When the hard-working crew finally rolled in around 1:30 (or, um, 3 p.m.), they were greeted by this inspirational slogan pinned to the door.

Friday: 'A great day to work'

related: Paul Newman, the Franz Ferdinand of the fridge

→ 52 CommentsFILED UNDER: CAPS LOCK · college life · lab rats · now that's management · office · Texas


Shittiest secret admirer ever?

April 10th, 2008 · 154 comments

“My roommate thinks I took her dry erase board when I was 40 miles away the week it was taken,” says an anonymous college student in Tampa, Florida. “She has been leaving me notes like this ALL YEAR.”

God help our poor submitter, but I’m nominating this crazy rainbow of a note for the passive-aggressive hall of fame. (Prize: a year’s worth of anger-management therapy?)

You don't know me...and to be honest I don't think you want to...but there is an issue that I need to address with you...and I'm not gonna be passive-aggressie about it. It has come to my attention that you have taken the white board that I gave Emily!!! And that angers me!!! I am not a child and I don't play childish games so let me put this as simply as I can...don't take shit that doesn't belong to you!!! I am writing this to you telling you to give Emily her shit back before I have to take matters into my own hands and get people involved that don't need to be in this...The next step in this little game is to go to our housing authority and I don't think you really want them to know about your skeeze-ball boyfriend living with you...or having to deal with the penalties and fines that come along with your ignorant acts! So stop being a cunt and give us the board back immediately. Thanks :) Your Secret Admirer

related: Which one of these is not like the other?

→ 154 CommentsFILED UNDER: CAPS LOCK · crazypants · ellipses-crazed · exclamation-point happy!!!! · gloriously redundant · more aggressive than passive · most popular notes of 2008 · not-so-veiled threats · oh the irony · rainbow-colored · roommates · smiley · stealing · whiteboard


Covering all the bases

April 9th, 2008 · 92 comments

“It seems too many people have made love to the office water cooler,” says Lizzy in New York. And some of them, it seems, are getting a little sloppy.

Lizzy says the “Office of Water” thing refers to the fact that “Our office is full of water. Like, the fridge doesn’t have anything but bottled water and Coke,” but I’m not quite buying it. I’d like to think this came from the EPA’s official Office of Water (Benjamin H. Grumbles, assistant administrator).

TO: WATER USERS: Lipstick stains have been noticed the water spigot (the faucet). Please keep your water containers away from the spigot. Also if you notice any stains on the water spigot. PLEASE SANITIZE THE SPIGOT IF YOU PUT STAINS ON IT. THIS CAN BECOME A HEALTH ISSUE. WE ARE THE OFFICE OF WATER REMEMBER. YOURS TRUELY [sic]!!! Also if the water bottle is empty please UNPLUG the water cooler. Thanks

→ 92 CommentsFILED UNDER: CAPS LOCK · D.C. · double-entendre alert · New York · obnoxious definition · office · questionable logic · spelling and grammar police · that's unsanitary · water


Just trying to “Keep Austin Weird”

April 8th, 2008 · 135 comments

Sure, those luxury condos going up all over downtown Austin might look swanky, but our anonymous Austin submitter says her building offers plenty of exciting local color you won’t find in those glass-and-steel towers.

Perks include: 1) the building’s property manager, a character known for his impassioned screeds about everything from trash cans to expired vehicle registrations, and 2) a recurring sewage back-up that flows into the downstairs bathrooms of all the units. Rock ‘n’ roll, dude!

RE: Sewage back-up

“The roto-rooter has said repeatedly that the backup is caused by roots growing into the sewer system,” our submitter says, but that explanation didn’t seem to satisfy her tireless PM. Now he’s offering tenants flexible lease arrangements, too!

related: A filthy hap pit

→ 135 CommentsFILED UNDER: all clogged up · Austin · CAPS LOCK · landlords and property managers · toilet