First with the plums, now lemons? Seriously, Bill?

And by the way, I’d like my red wheelbarrow back, please. (So much depends upon it, after all.)

(Thanks to our submitters Sarah in NYC and Steve in the U.K.)

related: What rhymes with putrid?

extra credit: This Is Just to Say

Katie says this was propped up in the ladies room at a senior citizen apartment building in Florida. Adds Katie: “I don’t care that they think the floor is dirtier, I’m not touching the floor either!”

related: Hover & Flow(chart); The Rhyme That Must Be Flushed

Our submitter in Portland, Oregon saw this sign while out for her morning run. Strangely, she took a pass on the hot date.

related: The saga of Tony Q69

Holly in Minnesota noticed this insert in her box of Blick pastels. “I think that last sentence (?) safely takes the tone over the line from gently defensive to quite douche-y,” she says. (Of course, if she were a *real* artist…)

Then there’s these (non-pastel-colored) cupcake liners, with their message of, as Victoria in Brooklyn put it: “If you care, buy our baking cups. If you don’t give a crap about the Earth, buy that other brand.”

related: White wire & damnation

Joe spotted this note posted on a thermostat inside an abandoned factory-turned-shopping center in Keene, New Hampshire.

Writes Joe, “I have to confess that I looked at it, got near it, and for the love of monkeys, I can’t stop thinking about it. I didn’t touch it though.” (No matter, Joe: Big Brother knows the truth.)

related: NO TOUCHING!

Writes Mark in the U.K.: “My friend went over to his sister’s place to house sit for a week and when he arrived he was greeted with this. The ‘help yourself to our empty cupboards’ bit is a joy in itself, but having to be told not to try on her housemate’s lingerie is a total gem.”

related: PANTY RAID!

“My dear, sweet grandmother is a treasure in my life,” writes Jessi in Dallas. To her horror, however, she realized — upon receiving this anonymous postcard from ‘a friend,’ — that she had forgotten to wish her grandmother a happy birthday this year.

Already feeling pretty guilty, says Jessi: “I immediately called her and received an additional 40-minute guilt trip over the phone. Today I sent her a birthday card in the mail.” Still, Jessi can’t help but how long it’ll be before she makes it off of Grandma’s “naughty list.”

related: If you have a birthday and don’t hear from your grandchildren, is it still a birthday?

Writes Katy in Tampa: “The vending machines in my office are old, and they eat someone’s money at least once a week. The vending machine guy told us to put a sticky on the machine saying how much money you lost and he’ll refund it when he comes to fill the machine. Apparently the machine was hungry this week.”

So, that was two weeks ago. Katy just wrote again with a follow-up: “Since the vending machine company has ignored our pleas to fix the machine, the notes just keep on coming.”

related: The Candyman Can’t

This is you say, “You think your shit don’t stank?” in Southern-ese. (An added “Bless your heart!” is always a nice touch, too.)

related: A diarrhea-only toilet?

Danny works for a small print company in London. “Our lovely cleaner only comes in once a week, so it falls upon the rest of us to keep the office neat and tidy.” Danny says that, judging from this creation — made up hundreds of punched paper holes — “I’ve got a feeling that someone feels that they are doing more than their fair share.”

related: Could somebody less important than me take care of this?