I hope…

August 22nd, 2013 · 50 comments

Lately, whenever I read a note like this, I can’t help but think of this bit by Louis CK:

Exhibit a) Spotted independently by both Kendy and Jane on the front gate of a cottage in a small English village. Writes Kendy: “I was surprised that in such a peaceful little place there were thieves bold enough to steal a child’s toy — and equally bold locals willing to publish their death wish to said thief!”

To the person who stole my 4 year old grandaughter's paddling pool, I hope you drown in it.

Exhibit b) From an office in Texas

To the lowlife who's been stealing people's lunches: I hope you develop chronic hemorrhoids.

Exhibit c) Found by John in Atlanta on the windshield of his car — which was parked just fine, he adds!

Dear Motherfucker, You park like an asshole I hope your kids get addicted to drugs. (Heart) Jack

Exhibit d) Also from Atlanta, specifically the campus of Georgia Tech — Justin says this was posted by every bike rack in the vicinity of the Electrical Engineering building. (So he ripped one down, took it home, and scanned it.)

Did you take a red Specialized bike from Van Leer on 1 Feb at noon? FUCK YOU. I hope you have an aneurysm and rot in a ditch. I am going to spend the rest of my days tracking you down. I will find you. You will never sleep again. No god will save you. I am coming for you.

related: Wishin’ and hopin’

→ 50 CommentsFILED UNDER: parking · stealing


But…but…I’m a grown-up now!

August 21st, 2013 · 65 comments

Writes our submitter in Michigan: “My sister-in-law graduated high school recently, and apparently calling to congratulate her — as opposed to driving 1200 miles to attend the ceremony —  was a major slight.” (A slight I’m guessing she’d be willing to graciously overlook in exchange for 50 bucks or so.)

Dear [redacted],  Thank you for the card you didn't send me and the text I never got! I also appreciate all the effort you put into trying to come to my party! I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH Love, Your baby sister

related: Congratulations! At some point in time, through no effort of your own, you were born.

→ 65 CommentsFILED UNDER: family · sarcasm · signed with love · thanks (but not really)


Toilet: Not a Redneck Washing Machine

August 20th, 2013 · 41 comments

Keith passed along this gem from his friend Ben, a professional musician, who spotted this on the wall of a restroom at a Central Florida club. (Another one for the “How many times did this have to happen before they made a sign about it?” files.)

Toilet: Not a Redneck Washing Machine!! You poop your pants Trash your underwear Do not hide in toilet!!

related: Hey you, you dumb redneck

→ 41 CommentsFILED UNDER: bathroom · Florida · so this is a thing? · that's disgusting · that's trashy · toilet · WTF?


Cracks, holes, and hot air

August 19th, 2013 · 31 comments

Writes our submitter in Philadelphia: “We do not have air-conditioned hallways in my building, so there’s been an ongoing debate on my floor about how open the hallway windows need to be for maximum airflow.” Suddenly…SCIENCE!

Dear Neighbor - MORE air comes into the building when the window is cracked slightly. NOT fully open. Its simple physics. Love your neighbor.   Simple Physics? Please elaborate.   Smaller Hole = Greater vac suction See: Pressure diff hot air formula (?)  Please be sure to calculate ?P in ALL orifice conditions in your fluid model

related: A/C, windows, and Kelvin’s law of thermodynamics

→ 31 CommentsFILED UNDER: It's science! · neighbors · Philadelphia · signed with love · temperature


Check out this sick whip

August 18th, 2013 · 61 comments

“I’m not a car guy,” writes our submitter from Los Angeles, “but I’m in love with my neighbor’s car. I walk by every day hoping a ‘For Sale’ sign will show up.” Today, he happened to found this note (which I read more like the beginning of a story story) stuck to the windshield instead.

My wife doesn't want me playing paintball with you anymore. I'll see ya at church.

Check out this sick whip!

related: Signed, Your Proud Wife

 

→ 61 CommentsFILED UNDER: car · Los Angeles · love & marriage


A Dance Mom Intervention

August 15th, 2013 · 59 comments

I have to give Kim’s daughter credit here for saying what most TLC/Lifetime viewers are shouting at their television screens while watching the antics of the “Momagers” behind all those would-be dancers/ice skaters/gymnasts/pageant queens. I’m with you, kid!

My mom loves dance I don't. My mom should do it instead of me if she likes it so much.

I don't even like dancing. I'm just here because my mom said she would buy me tacos.

related: Never put nature aside for television

→ 59 CommentsFILED UNDER: kids · most popular notes of 2013 · Mother-daughter notes


Failure to Yeild

August 14th, 2013 · 81 comments

“My spelling skills are a perpetual work in progress,” admits Kelly in Calgary. “When I told my sticky-note-happy coworker about my most recent spelling mistake caught by my boss, she decided to take action.”

YIELD — i before e except after c...bla bla blah — yIELd - IE  — yield yield yield

related: A personal pet peive

→ 81 CommentsFILED UNDER: blitzkrieg approach · Calgary · i before e · office · smartass · spelling and grammar police


The Office Fridge Obituaries

August 13th, 2013 · 36 comments

Writes our submitter in Australia: “Our office has been quite settled for the past few years without any issues, but recently fridge items have started to go missing. I’ve lost my own odd pieces of lunch to our unknown thief, so I sympathise completely.”

Tzatziki dip 12.08.2013-12.08-2013  Tzatziki dip, affectionately known as

related: Dear ‘Desperate for Salad’

→ 36 CommentsFILED UNDER: Australia · office fridge · sad face · stealing


The gift that keeps on giving

August 12th, 2013 · 54 comments

Our submitter stumbled upon this (excessively punctuated) gem while reading reviews for a product she was considering purchasing on Amazon.

A gift for my niece. I sure hope she like's it. She didn't write me a Thank-you note. But, she likes to sew, so it seemed like an appropriate gift.!

related: Well, at least she reads?

→ 54 CommentsFILED UNDER: gift · posted online · public shaming · You call that punctuation?


Did someone page the office fat police?

August 8th, 2013 · 196 comments

“There has always been candy on the secretary’s desk at work,” writes Dennis in Louisiana, “but “someone recently moved in to the office who does not need to be eating any candy. I think the message here is pretty clear.”

Did someone page the office fat police?

related: This is a candy-optional office

→ 196 CommentsFILED UNDER: actions speak louder · candy · hey fatty · mean girls · office · public shaming · way harsh