Some suggestions for the comfort of your guest

June 19th, 2007 · 55 comments

First, I’ll let Stephanie in Los Angeles explain the context for this one: “After a night of drinking, I let a friend of mine crash with me at my apartment. This friend, who does have her own apartment in the city, left with me in the morning, yet I still received this e-mail from my roommate later that day. This roommate hasn’t spoken to me in three months and communicates only in email.”

From: <redacted>@aol.com
To: <redacted>@hotmail.com
Subject: Guest
Date: Fri, 08 Jun 2007 16:00:31 -0400

Stephanie:

I assume Whitney is currently visiting. I apologize, but must say that in the situation you and I are currently in, I do not feel comfortable with you having a guest stay in our apartment while you are not present. But more so and more importantly, I do not feel comfortable with you having a guest in our apartment while I am home and you are not.

As I currently have summer hours at work, I will be home for the day at 2pm today. would like to respectfully request that you suggest to your guest that she go sightseeing and/or exploring the city from that time until the time you are to return from work.

As I have done my best to avoid the apartment for the last many months, you have had ample time to feel comfortable in our apartment without me being there. For the good majority of the last few months, the only time I ever have without you in the apartment is while you are at work. Now, with your friend there, I do not even have that. As it is only for today, while you are at work, I would really appreciate your friend not being in the apartment when I am and you are not.

Please understand that I am not trying to be mean, malicious, rude, vindictive or anything of the sort. I simply would like to enjoy some time alone in my own apartment without feeling uncomfortable at the presence of a guest of yours given the light of our current situation. If you’d like, I can give you some suggestions of places to have her visit during the day such as the Grove, Hollywood Blvd., the beach in Santa Monica, Venice, etc.

I’m sure on a beautiful day like today that she does not just want to lay in an apartment anyway. So if you already have her out roaming the city until you return from work, please disregard this email and thank
you immensely for your consideration.

-Angie

ps- could you please let me know how long Whitney is planning on
staying so I know if I will have to deal with this situation again next
week?? Thank you.

Adds Stephanie: “I just moved out of that apartment, and towards the end of my moveout day this roommate took some of my belongings and “donated” them to Goodwill. She said she didn’t think I needed them anymore.”

→ 55 CommentsFILED UNDER: "helpful" advice · e-mail · Los Angeles · p.s. · roommates


Please help! My roommate is a passive-aggressive!

June 19th, 2007 · 26 comments

“Apparently I was violating some building rules that annoyed my roommate,” says Alex in Waterloo, Ontario. “Rather than asking me in person, he wrote this on our front door for all to see.”

Please help! I am an imbecile! I am completely oblivious to others and have no regard for rules! Need help. (Will S.D. for money)

→ 26 CommentsFILED UNDER: Canada · college life · roommates · Waterloo


Really, enough with the weather

June 18th, 2007 · 65 comments

This one — from Cassandra in Toronto — makes me wince. Seriously, ouch.

Weather changes. Often. It's not always what you expect. Sometimes it is. Life is better if you are dressed appropriately for the weather. I think we have, pretty much, squared away the deal with weather.

→ 65 CommentsFILED UNDER: "helpful" advice · CAPS LOCK · elevator · neighbors · rhetorical question · Toronto


The first thing I did when I woke up

June 16th, 2007 · 137 comments

The third paragraph of the first e-mail is the brilliant part…though I’m gonna have to side with Michelle’s roommate on this one.

eating my outback bread

no excuses

Adds Michelle: “that bread was fucking delicious.”

→ 137 CommentsFILED UNDER: bread · CAPS LOCK · Charlottesville · college life · e-mail · food · more aggressive than passive · most popular notes of 2007 · not-so-veiled threats · p.s. · Virginia


“Servicing over a half-billion people…each and every day.”

June 15th, 2007 · 30 comments

From the Bay-area offices of Yahoo! HotJobs

Those programmers…so literal-minded, sometimes.

can u not uz hand lotion in toilet plz? work-wanks r creepy, thnx

(thiz onez fer u, slackferno.)

→ 30 CommentsFILED UNDER: bathroom · double-entendre alert · kinda creepy · office · San Francisco · sex sex sex · shameless meme-mongering · toilet · Yahoo


May the sanctity of the sink prevail!!

June 14th, 2007 · 93 comments

My esteemed housemates, I have some unfortunate news to report. It appears that our ongoing experiment to see if the dishes would indeed wash themselves has ended and ultimately failed.

(From Midgy in Madison, Wisconsin.)

related: With 17 roommates, it could have been worse

→ 93 CommentsFILED UNDER: CAPS LOCK · dishes · not-so-veiled threats · p.s. · rhetorical question · roommates · sarcasm · spelling and grammar police · TL;DR · Wisconsin


Et tu, Dora?

June 13th, 2007 · 20 comments

Spotted by Ivy from Nashville in the offices of Nickelodeon in New York…

You shouldn't learned this when you were my age, but...Please Be Neat and Wipe the Seat. And please flush!

→ 20 CommentsFILED UNDER: a little patronizing · New York · office · toilet


Try a bite.

June 13th, 2007 · 23 comments

A booby-trapped soup — sans note — probably would have been the more effective (and more passive-aggressive) approach, but, um, to each his own?

STOP eating my soup! I know who you are. I'm watching you. I mixed a little OxyPowder in my soup today. Care to find out what that is?? Try a bite.

If you’re wondering what OxyPowder is, allow Kenneth to explain.

→ 23 CommentsFILED UNDER: excessive underlining · food · Houston · more aggressive than passive · not-so-veiled threats · office · office fridge · stealing


Love, Apt #3

June 12th, 2007 · 26 comments

Quit taking my fucking paper. If you want it, subscribe yourself and YOU can pay for it. Love, Apt #3

(Spotted by Kyla in Regina, Saskatchewan.)

→ 26 CommentsFILED UNDER: Canada · neighbors · newspaper · Saskatchewan · signed with love · stealing


Letter from a narcotic

June 12th, 2007 · 52 comments

This ranks right up there with the notice from an aspiring personal-injury lawyer as one of my favorite roommate notes of all time.

Gillian in Albany, New York points out that the malapropism here (“I am the narcotic one”) was actually deliciously appropriate, because “she cleaned exactly like cocaine.”

Obviously things have been weird with us lately and I have a hard time talking to us and I don't know the right way to approach you or how to say what I want to say to you without hopefully not hurting your feelings. But we're both mature individuals, so I figured the best way for me to communicate what I have to say to you would be through a letter.

related: This room is protected by the Constitution

→ 52 CommentsFILED UNDER: cleaning · college life · fun with malapropisms · garbage · money · New York · roommates · runaway run-on sentences