Vomiting for dummies

June 10th, 2013 · 71 comments

Mike spotted this in one of the restrooms at his Atlanta office. As amused as he was by the snarky comment-ALL CAPS-clip art combo, “I can’t say I disagree with the note,” says Mike. “That’s just gross.”

PLEASE DO NOT THROW UP IN OUR SINKS a sign like this shouldn't be necessary in a professional office environment Proper way to throw up Please remember to flush after you vomit. And to the person that did that in the sink and didn't even bother to clean it up, WHY DON'T YOU JUST WORK FROM HOME, YOU BIG LOSER! AS OF MAY 29, 2013 THIS HAS NOW HAPPENED AT LEAST 3 TIMES in 2 weeks on this floor! STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY!

related: Don’t vom in the urinals, either

→ 71 CommentsFILED UNDER: Atlanta · bathroom · clip art catastrophe · most popular notes of 2013 · office · vomit


With some fava beans and a nice Chianti

June 9th, 2013 · 24 comments

“It would appear my co-worker is sensitive to her plant being moved,” writes Claire in the U.K.

Move this plant and i will eat your liver. Love Jess xx

Meanwhile, in New York…

To the person that leaves a disgusting mess on the seat. If you don't stop, this person will find you and eat your liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti. So cut it out!

And in Baltimore…

PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH This is BBQ HUMAN meat and by eating this you are admitting to the office that you are a cannibal

related: Pigs do not eat bacon

→ 24 CommentsFILED UNDER: flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · moving/not moving · not-so-veiled threats · office · office fridge · toilet


The not-so-friendly skies

June 6th, 2013 · 138 comments

Writes our submitter in Phoenix: “Apparently, the baggage handlers at Southwest did not appreciate my ‘love note’ baggage tag and felt the need to respond — in permanent marker.”

Quit making your bag so heavy

Adds our submitter: “In my defense, I would like to point out that my bag was 46 lb., which is still under the airline’s weight limit, and I, at 5’2″, had no trouble lifting it.”

related: If the TSA was in charge of the office fridge

→ 138 CommentsFILED UNDER: airport · most popular notes of 2013 · Phoenix


Please use *this* version of the alphabet

June 5th, 2013 · 47 comments

But…but…where is Elemenopee?

Please use THIS VERSION of the alphabet when filing away orders. All other versions of the alphabet aren't as updated as this version. :) Thank you!

Contrary to popular belief, the alphabet still goes: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z and I don't see them changing it anytime soon. Please pay attention when stocking product.

(Thanks to Erika in California, Angela in Illinois, and Victoria in Texas for submitting.)

"Alphabetizing chart"

related: A recipe for passive-aggressiveness

 

→ 47 CommentsFILED UNDER: obnoxious definition · office · smartass


Wake up, Mixer. You’re in the Matrix.

June 4th, 2013 · 34 comments

Oh look, another sentient kitchen appliance. This time, with allergies.

Please clean me when you get me dirty! I'm allergic to crusty waffle batter/potatoes...it makes me itchy and irritable...I don't like it. Ahh! A talking Mixer!! There is mixer; there is only Zuul! Silence! I kill you! <3 The Mixer Wake up, Mixer. You're in the Matrix.

(As spotted by Julie in her Provo, Utah college cafeteria.)

related: The very needy dishwasher

→ 34 CommentsFILED UNDER: anthropomorphism · kitchen · Provo · smartass


On preparing a hide for tanning

June 3rd, 2013 · 56 comments

Many cultures throughout history have used urine in the process of tanning [animal hides]. As Amanda in Colorado shows us, that tradition continues today among the animals that frequent the tanning salons of America!

We ask that you PLEASE refrain from using the restroom in our wastebaskets. ALL client activity is monitored. If caught we will PERMANENTLY terminate your tanning account and we will issue NO REFUNDS. Your account will be noted and you will NOT be welcome back. We like to maintain a CLEAN, SANITIZED environment for our clients...Urinating in our trash cans are not only un-sanitary, but, it is disgusting and we will not tolerate such activity. Please note: We can stop your tanning session at anytime and re-start should you need the facilities at any time. Our restrooms are located at the front of the main lobby as you walk into salon. THANK YOU

The takeaway? Whether your poison is sun, spray, or fake-and-bake, it comes with a lovely combination of cancer and piss on the side. (I’m gonna stick with my SPF.)

related: The Golden Glow of the Tanning Salon

extra credit: Newsflash! Sunscreen works. [nytimes.com]

→ 56 CommentsFILED UNDER: piss · that's trashy · that's unsanitary


Drink my Coca-Cola…and the terrorists win

June 1st, 2013 · 70 comments

Ana in Kentucky spotted this epic on the faculty fridge at the school where she works.

Dear Coke-I-leave-on-the-door-thief, As a child who grew up in the depression era, I come from humble beginnings. I have learned to take pleasures in the simple things in life; the river, the trees in spring, the wonderment in children's eyes...As I move forward through another morning, my caffeine deprived brain and I ponder silently the consequences of your actions. Have you no pride? Have you no shame? As a part time Aid and Para Professional, my compensation for said duties is not as lucrative or rewarding as the joy my heart feels when a student finally reaches their potential academically, spiritually, and emotionally. I beg you, kind sir or ma'am, to consider the effects your actions have on my ability to produce God-fearing citizens of this democracy. May I suggest that you help yourself to any of the half-empty Sprite bottles or outdated rotten apples that I tend to leave in the same general vicinity as my valued Coke product? May you never feel the pain of eating peanut butter at 10am and having nothing to drink except something called

related: Take my last Diet Coke from the fridge and I WILL cut you.

→ 70 CommentsFILED UNDER: Coke · Kentucky · Louisville · most popular notes of 2013 · office fridge · schools & teachers · stealing · TL;DR · Won't somebody think of the children?


Meanwhile, at the Ministry of Magic…

May 30th, 2013 · 33 comments

“Obviously there’s something I’ve been missing all these years,” says Marg (a muggle, clearly), who spotted this notice in the restroom at Melbourne’s Flinders Street Station.

Lift out of order

Meanwhile, in the elevator of Lauren’s building in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada…

Before you let your dog, your friend, your date, your coworker or your casual aquaintances rock a piss in this elevatore, please consider this: its gross. Like, really, ewwww. Am I right? Okay then. I just hosted my own private VIM party in here and its not as fun as it sounds. Mmkay?

related: Yer a wiseass, Harry

→ 33 CommentsFILED UNDER: elevator · Melbourne · piss · toilet · WTF?


Sincerely, Plastic Bag

May 29th, 2013 · 86 comments

I know this note has like, a lot of words in it, but seriously, all I see is wah wah wah.

An open letter to refrigerate-ers: Okay....YOU. The one who has a thermally-efficient backpack of a lunch bag. Really? Really? I bet's it's totally convenient, because no matter what you are bringing for lunch, you've got enough room in that thing, amiright? Plus it probably keeps your stuff nice and cool; yeah, specially designed for that. Close your eyes and imagine for a moment that you are going through airport security. If TSA size regulations require that your put that thing through the baggage scanner by itself, it probably doesn't belong in a refrigerator. I promise you there is enough empty space in there to hold an ice pack, which will get your leftovers through the lean hours between home and lunch quite nicely. I know this, because every time I have to extract it and plan an impromptu solo game of countertop Jenga, just so I can see into the refrigerator to find my super thin grocery store plastic bag with only my cold items it in, I can tell you've maybe used half the space you are taking up. Friendly suggestion...go on using that thing to keep your tasty morsels cold on the way to work, maybe even at your desk, but consider adding a more reasonably-sized extra layer of container around the guts inside of the monster, and putting that smaller package in the community refrigerator. (There are Sharpies in the supply closet if you need visual cues which lunch bundle is yours.) Bonus - less material in here makes it colder for everyone. That can of Coke you've got tastes better when it's had room to breathe.

related: Dear “Desperate for Salad”

→ 86 CommentsFILED UNDER: Chicago · office fridge · TL;DR


Dear appliance fairy…

May 28th, 2013 · 38 comments

This note — from Ulladulla, NSW — is for the Aussies who were disappointed by the lack of the word “arse” in Sunday’s post from Sydney.

ATTENTION! To The Smartarse Who Keeps Leaving Electrical Goods On Our Front Lawn:  Thank you for thinking of us when disposing of your junk appliances. However, as we have no use for such items as a microwave, a stove and a kettle (we already own these appliances, as do most households) we have kindly provided you with some handy suggestions for next time:  ·An Apple iPad smart tablet ·A Nintendo Wii games console ·A new laptop computer  The items listed above are the ONLY items we will accept for consideration.  Furthermore, please keep in mind that the rubbish tip (which for your information, is just around the corner and down the road!) charges $25 a load to dispose of unwanted junk. If you insist on dumping your stuff here, we expect the same fee! We WILL find out who you are, it is only a matter of time!  Sincerely, The Occupants of Number 92

ATTENTION! To The Smartarse Who Keeps Leaving Electrical Goods On Our Front Lawn:  Thank you for thinking of us when disposing of your junk appliances. However, as we have no use for such items as a microwave, a stove and a kettle (we already own these appliances, as do most households) we have kindly provided you with some handy suggestions for next time:  ·An Apple iPad smart tablet ·A Nintendo Wii games console ·A new laptop computer  The items listed above are the ONLY items we will accept for consideration.  Furthermore, please keep in mind that the rubbish tip (which for your information, is just around the corner and down the road!) charges $25 a load to dispose of unwanted junk. If you insist on dumping your stuff here, we expect the same fee! We WILL find out who you are, it is only a matter of time!  Sincerely, The Occupants of Number 92

related: No fridge ’til coffee!

→ 38 CommentsFILED UNDER: Australia · garbage · sarcasm · thanks but no thanks