The Clean Section

June 12th, 2013 · 42 comments

The attack:

DIRTY PLATES They were on the clean section. Please wash the dishes properly. Is annoying the need to check every time you want to use something. Cheers. A.

And the riposte:

Aggressive Notes More Annoying Than Dirty Plates Let's Be Friends

related: Have your people call my people

→ 42 CommentsFILED UNDER: dishes · London · meta · rebuttals · roommates


Please don’t feed the engineers

June 11th, 2013 · 19 comments

At first glance, I definitely thought was one of those “don’t feed the zoo animals” signs. But then, whoa, an Aussie 180! Roz in Perth says the “fairly militant kitchen brigade” at her office posts notes like this all over the kitchen.

Did you know?  1. Ge[c]kos and other reptiles need to lay on top of rocks to keep warm 2. Plates, cups, spoons and forks aren't reptiles.  They are subterranean creatures that need to be deep down inside cupboards and drawers. Thanks for washing & putting away your subterranean creatures!

related: The saddest zoo in the world

→ 19 CommentsFILED UNDER: Australia · dishes · office


Vomiting for dummies

June 10th, 2013 · 71 comments

Mike spotted this in one of the restrooms at his Atlanta office. As amused as he was by the snarky comment-ALL CAPS-clip art combo, “I can’t say I disagree with the note,” says Mike. “That’s just gross.”

PLEASE DO NOT THROW UP IN OUR SINKS a sign like this shouldn't be necessary in a professional office environment Proper way to throw up Please remember to flush after you vomit. And to the person that did that in the sink and didn't even bother to clean it up, WHY DON'T YOU JUST WORK FROM HOME, YOU BIG LOSER! AS OF MAY 29, 2013 THIS HAS NOW HAPPENED AT LEAST 3 TIMES in 2 weeks on this floor! STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY!

related: Don’t vom in the urinals, either

→ 71 CommentsFILED UNDER: Atlanta · bathroom · clip art catastrophe · most popular notes of 2013 · office · vomit


With some fava beans and a nice Chianti

June 9th, 2013 · 24 comments

“It would appear my co-worker is sensitive to her plant being moved,” writes Claire in the U.K.

Move this plant and i will eat your liver. Love Jess xx

Meanwhile, in New York…

To the person that leaves a disgusting mess on the seat. If you don't stop, this person will find you and eat your liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti. So cut it out!

And in Baltimore…

PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH This is BBQ HUMAN meat and by eating this you are admitting to the office that you are a cannibal

related: Pigs do not eat bacon

→ 24 CommentsFILED UNDER: flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · moving/not moving · not-so-veiled threats · office · office fridge · toilet


The not-so-friendly skies

June 6th, 2013 · 138 comments

Writes our submitter in Phoenix: “Apparently, the baggage handlers at Southwest did not appreciate my ‘love note’ baggage tag and felt the need to respond — in permanent marker.”

Quit making your bag so heavy

Adds our submitter: “In my defense, I would like to point out that my bag was 46 lb., which is still under the airline’s weight limit, and I, at 5’2″, had no trouble lifting it.”

related: If the TSA was in charge of the office fridge

→ 138 CommentsFILED UNDER: airport · most popular notes of 2013 · Phoenix


Please use *this* version of the alphabet

June 5th, 2013 · 47 comments

But…but…where is Elemenopee?

Please use THIS VERSION of the alphabet when filing away orders. All other versions of the alphabet aren't as updated as this version. :) Thank you!

Contrary to popular belief, the alphabet still goes: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z and I don't see them changing it anytime soon. Please pay attention when stocking product.

(Thanks to Erika in California, Angela in Illinois, and Victoria in Texas for submitting.)

"Alphabetizing chart"

related: A recipe for passive-aggressiveness

 

→ 47 CommentsFILED UNDER: obnoxious definition · office · smartass


Wake up, Mixer. You’re in the Matrix.

June 4th, 2013 · 34 comments

Oh look, another sentient kitchen appliance. This time, with allergies.

Please clean me when you get me dirty! I'm allergic to crusty waffle batter/potatoes...it makes me itchy and irritable...I don't like it. Ahh! A talking Mixer!! There is mixer; there is only Zuul! Silence! I kill you! <3 The Mixer Wake up, Mixer. You're in the Matrix.

(As spotted by Julie in her Provo, Utah college cafeteria.)

related: The very needy dishwasher

→ 34 CommentsFILED UNDER: anthropomorphism · kitchen · Provo · smartass


On preparing a hide for tanning

June 3rd, 2013 · 56 comments

Many cultures throughout history have used urine in the process of tanning [animal hides]. As Amanda in Colorado shows us, that tradition continues today among the animals that frequent the tanning salons of America!

We ask that you PLEASE refrain from using the restroom in our wastebaskets. ALL client activity is monitored. If caught we will PERMANENTLY terminate your tanning account and we will issue NO REFUNDS. Your account will be noted and you will NOT be welcome back. We like to maintain a CLEAN, SANITIZED environment for our clients...Urinating in our trash cans are not only un-sanitary, but, it is disgusting and we will not tolerate such activity. Please note: We can stop your tanning session at anytime and re-start should you need the facilities at any time. Our restrooms are located at the front of the main lobby as you walk into salon. THANK YOU

The takeaway? Whether your poison is sun, spray, or fake-and-bake, it comes with a lovely combination of cancer and piss on the side. (I’m gonna stick with my SPF.)

related: The Golden Glow of the Tanning Salon

extra credit: Newsflash! Sunscreen works. [nytimes.com]

→ 56 CommentsFILED UNDER: piss · that's trashy · that's unsanitary


Drink my Coca-Cola…and the terrorists win

June 1st, 2013 · 70 comments

Ana in Kentucky spotted this epic on the faculty fridge at the school where she works.

Dear Coke-I-leave-on-the-door-thief, As a child who grew up in the depression era, I come from humble beginnings. I have learned to take pleasures in the simple things in life; the river, the trees in spring, the wonderment in children's eyes...As I move forward through another morning, my caffeine deprived brain and I ponder silently the consequences of your actions. Have you no pride? Have you no shame? As a part time Aid and Para Professional, my compensation for said duties is not as lucrative or rewarding as the joy my heart feels when a student finally reaches their potential academically, spiritually, and emotionally. I beg you, kind sir or ma'am, to consider the effects your actions have on my ability to produce God-fearing citizens of this democracy. May I suggest that you help yourself to any of the half-empty Sprite bottles or outdated rotten apples that I tend to leave in the same general vicinity as my valued Coke product? May you never feel the pain of eating peanut butter at 10am and having nothing to drink except something called

related: Take my last Diet Coke from the fridge and I WILL cut you.

→ 70 CommentsFILED UNDER: Coke · Kentucky · Louisville · most popular notes of 2013 · office fridge · schools & teachers · stealing · TL;DR · Won't somebody think of the children?


Meanwhile, at the Ministry of Magic…

May 30th, 2013 · 33 comments

“Obviously there’s something I’ve been missing all these years,” says Marg (a muggle, clearly), who spotted this notice in the restroom at Melbourne’s Flinders Street Station.

Lift out of order

Meanwhile, in the elevator of Lauren’s building in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada…

Before you let your dog, your friend, your date, your coworker or your casual aquaintances rock a piss in this elevatore, please consider this: its gross. Like, really, ewwww. Am I right? Okay then. I just hosted my own private VIM party in here and its not as fun as it sounds. Mmkay?

related: Yer a wiseass, Harry

→ 33 CommentsFILED UNDER: elevator · Melbourne · piss · toilet · WTF?