Wake up, Mixer. You’re in the Matrix.

June 4th, 2013 · 34 comments

Oh look, another sentient kitchen appliance. This time, with allergies.

Please clean me when you get me dirty! I'm allergic to crusty waffle batter/potatoes...it makes me itchy and irritable...I don't like it. Ahh! A talking Mixer!! There is mixer; there is only Zuul! Silence! I kill you! <3 The Mixer Wake up, Mixer. You're in the Matrix.

(As spotted by Julie in her Provo, Utah college cafeteria.)

related: The very needy dishwasher

→ 34 CommentsFILED UNDER: anthropomorphism · kitchen · Provo · smartass


On preparing a hide for tanning

June 3rd, 2013 · 56 comments

Many cultures throughout history have used urine in the process of tanning [animal hides]. As Amanda in Colorado shows us, that tradition continues today among the animals that frequent the tanning salons of America!

We ask that you PLEASE refrain from using the restroom in our wastebaskets. ALL client activity is monitored. If caught we will PERMANENTLY terminate your tanning account and we will issue NO REFUNDS. Your account will be noted and you will NOT be welcome back. We like to maintain a CLEAN, SANITIZED environment for our clients...Urinating in our trash cans are not only un-sanitary, but, it is disgusting and we will not tolerate such activity. Please note: We can stop your tanning session at anytime and re-start should you need the facilities at any time. Our restrooms are located at the front of the main lobby as you walk into salon. THANK YOU

The takeaway? Whether your poison is sun, spray, or fake-and-bake, it comes with a lovely combination of cancer and piss on the side. (I’m gonna stick with my SPF.)

related: The Golden Glow of the Tanning Salon

extra credit: Newsflash! Sunscreen works. [nytimes.com]

→ 56 CommentsFILED UNDER: piss · that's trashy · that's unsanitary


Drink my Coca-Cola…and the terrorists win

June 1st, 2013 · 71 comments

Ana in Kentucky spotted this epic on the faculty fridge at the school where she works.

Dear Coke-I-leave-on-the-door-thief, As a child who grew up in the depression era, I come from humble beginnings. I have learned to take pleasures in the simple things in life; the river, the trees in spring, the wonderment in children's eyes...As I move forward through another morning, my caffeine deprived brain and I ponder silently the consequences of your actions. Have you no pride? Have you no shame? As a part time Aid and Para Professional, my compensation for said duties is not as lucrative or rewarding as the joy my heart feels when a student finally reaches their potential academically, spiritually, and emotionally. I beg you, kind sir or ma'am, to consider the effects your actions have on my ability to produce God-fearing citizens of this democracy. May I suggest that you help yourself to any of the half-empty Sprite bottles or outdated rotten apples that I tend to leave in the same general vicinity as my valued Coke product? May you never feel the pain of eating peanut butter at 10am and having nothing to drink except something called

related: Take my last Diet Coke from the fridge and I WILL cut you.

→ 71 CommentsFILED UNDER: Coke · Kentucky · Louisville · most popular notes of 2013 · office fridge · schools & teachers · stealing · TL;DR · Won't somebody think of the children?


Meanwhile, at the Ministry of Magic…

May 30th, 2013 · 33 comments

“Obviously there’s something I’ve been missing all these years,” says Marg (a muggle, clearly), who spotted this notice in the restroom at Melbourne’s Flinders Street Station.

Lift out of order

Meanwhile, in the elevator of Lauren’s building in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada…

Before you let your dog, your friend, your date, your coworker or your casual aquaintances rock a piss in this elevatore, please consider this: its gross. Like, really, ewwww. Am I right? Okay then. I just hosted my own private VIM party in here and its not as fun as it sounds. Mmkay?

related: Yer a wiseass, Harry

→ 33 CommentsFILED UNDER: elevator · Melbourne · piss · toilet · WTF?


Sincerely, Plastic Bag

May 29th, 2013 · 86 comments

I know this note has like, a lot of words in it, but seriously, all I see is wah wah wah.

An open letter to refrigerate-ers: Okay....YOU. The one who has a thermally-efficient backpack of a lunch bag. Really? Really? I bet's it's totally convenient, because no matter what you are bringing for lunch, you've got enough room in that thing, amiright? Plus it probably keeps your stuff nice and cool; yeah, specially designed for that. Close your eyes and imagine for a moment that you are going through airport security. If TSA size regulations require that your put that thing through the baggage scanner by itself, it probably doesn't belong in a refrigerator. I promise you there is enough empty space in there to hold an ice pack, which will get your leftovers through the lean hours between home and lunch quite nicely. I know this, because every time I have to extract it and plan an impromptu solo game of countertop Jenga, just so I can see into the refrigerator to find my super thin grocery store plastic bag with only my cold items it in, I can tell you've maybe used half the space you are taking up. Friendly suggestion...go on using that thing to keep your tasty morsels cold on the way to work, maybe even at your desk, but consider adding a more reasonably-sized extra layer of container around the guts inside of the monster, and putting that smaller package in the community refrigerator. (There are Sharpies in the supply closet if you need visual cues which lunch bundle is yours.) Bonus - less material in here makes it colder for everyone. That can of Coke you've got tastes better when it's had room to breathe.

related: Dear “Desperate for Salad”

→ 86 CommentsFILED UNDER: Chicago · office fridge · TL;DR


Dear appliance fairy…

May 28th, 2013 · 38 comments

This note — from Ulladulla, NSW — is for the Aussies who were disappointed by the lack of the word “arse” in Sunday’s post from Sydney.

ATTENTION! To The Smartarse Who Keeps Leaving Electrical Goods On Our Front Lawn:  Thank you for thinking of us when disposing of your junk appliances. However, as we have no use for such items as a microwave, a stove and a kettle (we already own these appliances, as do most households) we have kindly provided you with some handy suggestions for next time:  ·An Apple iPad smart tablet ·A Nintendo Wii games console ·A new laptop computer  The items listed above are the ONLY items we will accept for consideration.  Furthermore, please keep in mind that the rubbish tip (which for your information, is just around the corner and down the road!) charges $25 a load to dispose of unwanted junk. If you insist on dumping your stuff here, we expect the same fee! We WILL find out who you are, it is only a matter of time!  Sincerely, The Occupants of Number 92

ATTENTION! To The Smartarse Who Keeps Leaving Electrical Goods On Our Front Lawn:  Thank you for thinking of us when disposing of your junk appliances. However, as we have no use for such items as a microwave, a stove and a kettle (we already own these appliances, as do most households) we have kindly provided you with some handy suggestions for next time:  ·An Apple iPad smart tablet ·A Nintendo Wii games console ·A new laptop computer  The items listed above are the ONLY items we will accept for consideration.  Furthermore, please keep in mind that the rubbish tip (which for your information, is just around the corner and down the road!) charges $25 a load to dispose of unwanted junk. If you insist on dumping your stuff here, we expect the same fee! We WILL find out who you are, it is only a matter of time!  Sincerely, The Occupants of Number 92

related: No fridge ’til coffee!

→ 38 CommentsFILED UNDER: Australia · garbage · sarcasm · thanks but no thanks


Over the (top) rainbow

May 27th, 2013 · 65 comments

Writes Tom in Cleveland: “In the parking garage of my apartment building, some B parked in assigned spot 144, which belonged to another B, who then covered B1′s Jeep in harshly-worded notes on multi-colored construction paper.”

DISLIKE This person parked in my spot. Inconsiderate much? I had to park 3 blocks away just so a person could park in a spot I paid for. I'm posting pics of your car info on social media. I have 20,000+ followers. Don't worry...I called management. Leopard print? Try the Jersey Shore!!!

related: It’s my spot and I’ll park what I want to

→ 65 CommentsFILED UNDER: blitzkrieg approach · Cleveland · parking · public shaming


Don’t #!%*@ over spilled oil

May 26th, 2013 · 59 comments

Kyle in Sydney, Australia says this sign was posted near the elevator in the basement of his building, where apparently someone had spilled some cooking oil on the floor. Based on this note, I’m still a little unsure about how the person who cleaned up the mess felt about the whole situation.

Whoever spilled cooking oil on this floor, you are mother fucking asshole mother fucker. You don't even know what the fuck to do with your responsibility and it tells me why you are living at the bottom of our society idiot. I clean this shit for everyone not because of you little cunt. One more thing, you are fucking ass hole. Go fuck yourself with your shit face. Why are you breathing fucking son of bitch?

related: Seven words you CAN say on a box of leftover takeout

→ 59 CommentsFILED UNDER: cleaning · fuck fuckity fuck fuck · more aggressive than passive · Sydney


Baby Teeth, $10 OBO

May 23rd, 2013 · 65 comments

“No, she didn’t lose three teeth in one day,” says Jenny in Texas, regarding her 7-year-old daughter, Zelda. “She was just hoping to graduate from $1 per tooth to $10 based on experience. (But she’s totally negotiable if that’s not cool with you, Tooth Fairy.)”

Dear Tooth Fairy, I have lost 3 baby teeth. Can I have 10 1 dollar bills, please. Love, Zelda! P.S. I am negotiable

related: Possibly the Best Tooth Fairy letter of all time

→ 65 CommentsFILED UNDER: kids · money


Happily ever after

May 22nd, 2013 · 51 comments

Loree in Texas found this crumpled Post-it note in her front yard. “Why the husband threw this gem away boggles the mind, but I am so glad it ended up where it did.”

Passed out twice in one week. Wow. At least you're not in underwear and socks this time —Your Proud Wife

related: Haterade on the rocks, with a twist

→ 51 CommentsFILED UNDER: drizzunk · love & marriage · Texas