Hellfire & arthritis

April 21st, 2013 · 45 comments

An eye for an eye, I understand. But a flower for joint inflammation?

You stole my sunflowers? God punished you with ARTHRITIS! Cheers!

(Thanks to Sandra in Los Angeles for submitting!)

related: No, He uses Vaseline.

→ 45 CommentsFILED UNDER: flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · God · Los Angeles · stealing


The naked truth

April 18th, 2013 · 56 comments

Writes Nick in New York: “Those of you who have ever lived alone will remember the feeling of liberation and wild abandon that comes with getting your first solo space after a lifetime of family and crazy roommates.”

He continues: ”Unfortunately, I’ve got neighbors across a very narrow alley (about 6 feet across) and all our windows face each other. When I first moved in I noticed their shades were always down so I carried on with the kinds of things mid-20s guys do when they live alone. I have no idea what they had an opportunity to see, but it was enough to inspire them to post this note on all three windows. Whoops?”

To The New Neighbor Dear Neighbor: Welcome to the building. Given the close proximity of our windows and out of respect for each others' privacy, we would ask that you please pull your shade down to a reasonable height. Thank you.

related: Buy curtains. Please.

→ 56 CommentsFILED UNDER: actually totally reasonable · neighbors · New York


What rhymes with putrid?

April 16th, 2013 · 52 comments

Having only worked at this office for a short time, Kay in Houston doesn’t know exactly what “The Fish Smell Invasion of 2012” refers to, “but being familiar with what happens in shared fridges,” she says, “I can guess.”

I was going to write a cutesy poem with lots of rhyming words, like old, mold, and other -old words. It was pretty terrible, so you're welcome I didn't write it. Instead, please take a quick peek in the fridge/freezer and see if something in here is yours and can be tossed. Also, um, that giant foil thing of food? The Fish Smell invasion of 2012 shall not be repeated.

And as an extra special bonus: my (procrastinatory) ode to “The Fish Smell Invasion of 2012″ —

related: Passive-Aggressive Poetry Corner

→ 52 CommentsFILED UNDER: odor · office fridge · pure poetry


A whopper of a resignation

April 15th, 2013 · 106 comments

Our submitter says this note, written by “by a fellow employee who finally had enough of working in the inferno we call Burger King,” quickly made the rounds of the entire staff after being handed into the manager.

“It’s funny,” she says, “because for three years this employee pretended to like everyone, and we would have never expected him to say or write anything like this. He even took the opportunity to insult the Hispanic kitchen staff!”

 Dear Management, I'm thrilled to inform you, that after 3 brutal years I'm resigning. I have been waiting for what seems like forever to inform you that I'm resigning. I've hated working for this company since the day I was hired. I don't like the work, I don't like my fellow employees that cannot speak the language, and I don't like you. I am tendering my resignation effective immediately 4-13-2013 and I'm heading for a real job. I'm sure you'd like to have a going away party for me. However, I'm not interested in the stale cookies and nasty punch that constitutes saying goodbye at this company. Don't worry about writing me a reference, even though I'm sure you'd be glad to recommend my work. I don't need or want one. I don't need references (especially from Burger King) where I'm heading to (law school). So, consider our bridges burnt.

related: Have it your way, jerk!

→ 106 CommentsFILED UNDER: casual xenophobia · farewell letter · most popular notes of 2013


How many roommates does it take to change a light bulb?

April 14th, 2013 · 65 comments

It’s stuff like this that makes me remember why I live alone…

How many Marks and Kirks does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: It takes Will and Jenni. How many Wills and Jennis does it take to buy household items (ex: Toilet Paper/paper towels/dish soap/chips/soda/lightbulbs/trash bags/etc)? Answer? None, because Mark buys all that stuff with money from his own pocket. Maybe if Will and Jenni spent more money on others, rather than just on themselves, this kind of thing wouldn't happen.

related: The Toilet Paper Manifesto

→ 65 CommentsFILED UNDER: Facebook · oh snap · roommates


Not to name names, but…

April 11th, 2013 · 32 comments

Seriously, Jay?

Today we had a situation where someone ate the center of 40-50 chic-fil-a- minis and left the bread. Please realize we don't want the bread you dug through. Feel free to either eat the bread or throw the bread away. This will help us all live together. Please read the following rules of functioning in a society. It may help.

related: S is for Sibling Rivalry

→ 32 CommentsFILED UNDER: food · message to all intended for one · most popular notes of 2013 · office · public shaming


A devilish Tasmanian

April 10th, 2013 · 41 comments

Writes Renata: “On our holiday to northern Tasmania, we were driving to Mole Creek Caves when I spotted this sign in a tiny little town called Chudleigh. The town’s main point seemed to be the sale of honey, but obviously some of the residents have a sting in their tail.”

Restored November 2003 despite the best Efforts of the National Trust and Mrs Patric[i]a Woods

related: Canadian is angry; still says thank you

→ 41 CommentsFILED UNDER: Australia · public shaming


The next great civil rights battle?

April 9th, 2013 · 58 comments

Our submitter in New Zealand, if forced to make a wild guess, says this missive “is probably from the woman across the hallway who stood in the middle of the floor last week and asked loudly, three times, ‘Who took my peanut butter from the fridge? Who?’” and then slunk back to her desk muttering under her breath.”

Did you know that we live in an enlightened society...Women have the vote - hard to believe, but, yes, its true! Same sex marriage/civil union - is alive and well. We can, if we wish, leave our peanut butter in the fridge at work (well - you should be able to!) That the premise of 'respect for all' is a given... It takes 5 minutes longer to put your dish in the dishwasher - please give it a go

related: A sticky situation

→ 58 CommentsFILED UNDER: New Zealand · office · peanut butter


Are you a jerk turkey?

April 8th, 2013 · 43 comments

Emptying the lint trap at the laundromat has never really bothered me, personally. At least one person in Denver, however, seems to mind a whole lot.

Casting Call! Audition! Are you a jerk turkey? An ass hat, and an all around D-bag? We're looking for YOU. Maybe you don't put the seat down after you use the bathroom.  Maybe you eat other people's food, or stiff people on their tip.  Or, MAYBE YOU DON'T EMPTY YOUR NASTY LINT TRAP AFTER DOING YOUR NASTY LAUNDRY.  Are you proud of being a dick? Celebrate! Rejoice in your complete idiocy, and lack of general consideration! We'll all be looking on in admiration as we scrape your disgusting dead skin cells and your stupid dogs hair out of your f***ing lint trap. It's lovely. Thank you for that.  CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF, PIGS.

related: There’s no spitting in laundry.

→ 43 CommentsFILED UNDER: Denver · laundry · neighbors


Andrew from the Internet strikes again

April 5th, 2013 · 141 comments

You might recall the letter that Bill and Mara received from a stranger informing that “no one cares about your damn wedding.” Despite Andrew from the Internet’s professed apathy, it seems he had enough time on his hands to not just comb through Bill’s blog, but Bill and Mara’s wedding guestbook as well.

Bill says a family member, mistakenly assuming that the guestbook entries could only be viewed by friends and family, left a note about having moved, including their new address. “We soon caught the message and removed the address,” Bill says, “but not before Andrew saw the page.”

Dear [redacted], Hi there. My name is Andrew and I’m from the internet. I saw that you posted your and your husband’s home address publicly on Bill and Mara’s awful little wedding website for the whole internet to see. Don’t do that. I mean you no harm, but there are people on the internet who might. Now, fingers crossed, hopefully all that will become of this is that you get this snarky letter from an anonymous stranger. But, if some nutcase came after y’all with ease because you were too lazy to send Bill and Mara an email or a letter with your home address, how would you feel? The internet is a big, scary place that anyone in the world can access. Don’t be stupid. Protect yourself by keeping private information private. GOOD LUCK P.S. Your address is 9TH AVE, not “9 Ave”. P.P.S. Kudos for knowing your zip 4 though.

 

related: My name is Andrew, and I’m from the Internet.

→ 141 CommentsFILED UNDER: "helpful" advice · p.s. · smartass · weddings and bridezillas