Peed off.

November 1st, 2012 · 79 comments

Writes Jenny in San Diego: “There are four of these identical laminated signs posted at face height around the tiny front lawn of a house in my neighborhood. The lawn actually would look fine if it weren’t for the rude signs.”

Keep your bitches from urinating on the lawn. They are killing the grass.

related post:
Caught in the act
DO YOU KNOW THESE DOGS??

→ 79 CommentsFILED UNDER: dogs · neighbors · piss · San Diego


No treats, no tricks, just boos.

October 31st, 2012 · 120 comments

So, which house do you think is the most likely to get egged by angry trick-or-treaters?

Exhibit a) From Chester Springs, Pennsylvania:

HUNGOVER. If you ring the doorbell, I will piss in your plastic pumpkin.

Exhibit b)

NO CANDY JUST SWINE FLU (It's worse than no candy.)

Exhibit c)

NO CANDY HERE WAITING FOR PIZZA MAN

Exhibit d) From Jackson, Mississippi:

Warning! No candy! All Trick-or-Treaters will be attacked by Evil Clown!

Exhibit e) Spotted by Greg in Escondido, California:

DEAR TRICK OR TREATERS: CANDY AND OTHER CONFECTIONS ARE AN AFFRONT TO THE LORD AND AS SUCH WE SHALL NOT BE PROVIDE ANY ON THIS DAY OF SIN! DEUTERONOMY 18:9-12, 1 PETER 5:8

Exhibit f) Spotted by Tyree in Oakridge, Oregon

No Candy go Away

related: Some advice for would-be pumpkin smashers

→ 120 CommentsFILED UNDER: candy · go away · Halloween


Sentence structure could use some improvement

October 30th, 2012 · 29 comments

Several months ago, Kenney in Sydney moved in with some new housemates. Last week, he happened to park in a different spot in the driveway. (“We had been asked to not park in the garage as it was used as a gym/personal trainer studio.”)

“The next morning,” he says, “I found this ‘anonymous’ note — despite having just talked with the person responsible, without any mention of their concern.” By way of a response, Kenney decided to give the note the red pen treatment.

Dear Housemate's Please take under consideration that the parking arragement tonight was not Thought out properly we have a garage that one car could go in & instead Driveway looks like a parking lot please think of all housemate's living under this rood not just yourself Thank you. !  12/28 42% A clean document with some folds, sentence structure could use improvement along with grammar. Would love to discuss your results to improve your persuasive letter writing ability! D+

related: I give your passive-aggressive note a C-

→ 29 CommentsFILED UNDER: Australia · most popular notes of 2012 · parking · rebuttals · roommates · spelling and grammar police · Sydney


But…changing the water cooler bottle is hard!

October 29th, 2012 · 34 comments

Writes in Bill in New York City: “When the water cooler bottle is empty, no one seems to know how to change it and leaves it for the next guy.’ His co-worker decided to go on the offensive.

T-Rex has tiny arms, too tiny to change the water bottle when it's empty. What's your excuse?!!!

My excuse? I am even clumsier than Liz Lemon. (And I know I’m not alone on this.)

related: So, the water cooler’s hosting rainbow parties again?

extra credit: Water cooler etiquette, or the thirsty worker’s manifesto [cnn.com]

→ 34 CommentsFILED UNDER: office · water


Reason for Sale: Can’t Stand the Neighbors

October 26th, 2012 · 40 comments

“To be fair,” says Loren in Ypsilanti, Michigan,“the owner does live on a popular dog-walking street. The trees are also gigantic, so I’m sure they have a ton of leaves to rake in the fall. Still, this seems a little harsh.”

Reason for sale; Can't stand the neighbors, sick of raking leafs [sic]. Hate the endless dog walking pissing on my property. Would rather live in a box then spend another year in Ypsi. I am a lifelong resident in this crappy town. Need a good house? My house is very clean. Leave a message. $200,000 firm.

related: House for rent — we have mold and roaches!

→ 40 CommentsFILED UNDER: dogs · Michigan · neighbors · Ypsilanti


(We don’t speak dog)

October 25th, 2012 · 69 comments

“About five months ago,” writes Catherine in Massachusetts, a new tenant moved in and began a new exercise regime: running back and forth in the building hallways. “His/her gait is rather lumbering and resonates throughout our apartment,” Catherine says. “We were startled at first, but have come to giggle over this frequent disruption. Apparently, one of our neighbors isn’t laughing.”

To the runner - please STOP RUNNING in the hallway To everyone else - if you're as annoyed as I am at the running, please tell the office whatever you know about who's doing it. They want to talk with him.

From there, things began to escalate. “Fortunately,” Catherine says, the ensuing flame war “just goes to show that most of our neighbors have a great sense of humor.”

To the adult-children: PLEASE GROW UP (you live in an apartment building) To everyone else If you are as annoyed as I am at the adult-children in the apartment - please ignore them until they speak to you directly about their issues, like adults...  To the dogs - please STOP YELLING AT US IN THE HALLWAY (we don't speak dog) To everyone else- If you're as annoyed as I am at the dog language in the hallway, please tell the office whatever you know about whose doing it. THey want to talk to the dog rif-raf.  To the adults - please STOP HAVING A GOOD TIME IN THE HALLWAY To everyone else If you are as annoyed as I am at the enjoyment of life in our hallway, please tell the office whatever you know about who's doing it. They want to talk to them.  To the residents - Please STOP USING THE HALLWAY To everyone else -  If you are as annoyed as I am at the use of our hallway, please tell the office whatever you know about who's doing it.  They want to talk to everyone.   To all the children- please: STOP CRYING, SQUEALING, WHINING, ACTING UP IN THE HALLWAY To everyone else- If you're as annoyed as I am at the crying, squealing, whining and acting up, please tell the office whatever you know about who's doing it. They want to talk to her.

related: The very delicate elevator

→ 69 CommentsFILED UNDER: dogs · kids · Massachusetts · neighbors · noise · note wars · smartass


Do you pocket like it’s hot?

October 23rd, 2012 · 108 comments

If the consequences of eating a Hot Pocket aren’t enough to deter you from buying them, you should know that storing them in your freezer at work or school is still a risky proposition. (And no, Snoop won’t be there to back you up.)

Exhibit a) Spotted by Anna in Oakland, California:

Dear Hot Pocket Eater: How can you eat three boxes of hot pockets in less than a week?? Especially when the food in question does not belong to you!! I will be going to bed hungry because you ate all my hot pockets. IF YOU DIDN'T BUY THE FOOD, DON'T EAT IT. Some of us have jobs to buy our own food. Thanks for wasting an hour's worth of work, scum.

Exhibit b) Spotted by Diana in Green Bay, Wisconsin:

To the Hot Pocket thief: I hope you are happy that you have now stolen a pregnant

Exhibit c) Spotted by David in Austin, Texas:

Please read the labels on food. Someone ate my lean pocket & I'm hungry now. -Thanks JJ

Exhibit d) Spotted by Charlie in New York:

To whoever ate my Lean Pockets: This picture should help when you go to the store to replace them

Exhibit e) Spotted by Angie in Atlanta, with apologies for the blurriness:

To the Person who stole my lean pockets. Yours must be a truly unfortunate life to steal from someone currently receiving food stamps from the gov't because their current wage is insufficient to cover their living expenses, tuition, and food. I will now go hungry today as I'm at the limit of my budget for this week. It is my sincere wish that you burn in a lake of boiling cheese and ham not dissimilar to those found in my leanpockets. There you would dwell for a thousand years, with your skin constantly regenerating so that you can feel it being burned off your body yet again. Sincerely, Lean Pocket Less TL;DR I hate you.

(Delicious, you say? Michelle? Is that you?) And lastly…

Exhibit f) From Princeton, New Jersey:

To whom it may concern: It's not a hard concept: If you DID NOT put it in the Fridge, DO NOT take it out! Leave my Lean Pockets ALONE. [Response:] I am so sorry, but your Lean Pockets are so savory and irresistible. They call to me in my dreams. IN MY DREAMS, I SAY! I know it is wrong to covet another's frozen, microwaveable, turnover-like lunch entree filled with a delicious combination of meat, cheese and vegetables. But life moves so fast-and Lean Pockets know this. But do you know the dark pleasure of a forbidden Lean Pocket? Oh, it must be experienced. Take care; once you start down this path of frozen, microwaveable delights, it is hard to go back. BTW, the pretzel bread variety is my favorite. I'm just sayin'-in case you want to stock up.

related: Hot Pockets are the car radios of the communal freezer

→ 108 CommentsFILED UNDER: guilt trip · have a nice day · office fridge · preggers · stealing · thanks (but not really) · TL;DR


Everything but the actual kitchen sink

October 22nd, 2012 · 23 comments

Writes Jocelyn in London: “Since moving into halls for the first year of university, our hygiene skills have gone downhill, to say the least. Finally, one of our roommates cracked and cleaned up the rotting mess…or so we thought.” Instead, he just found a new “dumping ground.”

I needed to wash a mug so I made room in the sink. Please stop using the sink & tops as a dumping ground! Sincerly [sic] Cameron xx

related: May the sanctity of the sink prevail!

→ 23 CommentsFILED UNDER: college life · dishes · London · roommates


Thanks, Mom.

October 21st, 2012 · 42 comments

While checking over her 7-year-old daughter’s homework sheet, LeAnn in Iowa found out that last Tuesday was apparently a lesson in buuuuurns.

At school I...ate stale Cheetos with lunch thanks Mom.

related post:

My mother’s favorite food 

→ 42 CommentsFILED UNDER: guilt trip · kids · Moms & Dads · Mother-daughter notes · schools & teachers


Some things to know about your new roommate

October 18th, 2012 · 106 comments

Shortly after he moved out, our submitter in Canada discovered that her ex-roommate had glued a memo for the room’s future occupant inside his bedroom closet — “his final passive-aggressive attempt to get under my skin.”

Caution: Some things to know Her dog stinks up entire house so close your door and get an air freshener. Roommate plays loud music and stays up all night talking on Skype and POF (very annoying) She has a high body temperature and never turns on heat, she will tell you to buy a box heater (annoying) Arguing with her is like boxing a glacier She yells at her dog all the time (annoying as fuck) She has an annoying voice and is a control freak She washes dishes and doesn't take them out of sink (annoying but also just fn weird) Overall, we're dealing with quite the peculiar roommate, good luck!

related: You’re not as bad as everyone warned me you’d be!

→ 106 CommentsFILED UNDER: "helpful" advice · Canada · roommates