The companion sport to Olympic race walking?

August 7th, 2012 · 31 comments

Because dribbling isn’t such a useful skill outside of basketball…

The Olympics have started and we get to witness inspirational athletic accomplishments each day. Against this back drop, surely we as a team of professionals on the 14th floor can CONSISTENTLY HIT THE URINAL! It is not that hard folks. If for some reason you struggle (and clearly at least one us struggles every day), just sit down. This is disgusting and it is within our ability to keep the place clean.

Somehow I don’t think suggesting people sit down at the urinal is the answer, though.

Perhaps something a bit more Olympic in spirit?

related: Well, that seems (uri)logical enough

extra credit: Urinal Games [youtube.com]

→ 31 CommentsFILED UNDER: office · piss · Pittsburgh · toilet


Missing: Red Gatorade. Answers to the name “Wally.”

August 6th, 2012 · 23 comments

“People steal other people’s food and drink so often in my office that security put up a notice,” says our submitter in Florida. “Apparently, the sign isn’t working.”

Instead, the notes left by the victims have turned into an ongoing office-wide joke.

DID YOU TAKE A RED GATORADE? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? Do the right thing and replace it...or else!

And the latest contribution…

Missing: Red Gatorade. Cold, Refreshing, Thirst Quenching. Last seen inside the breakroom fridge. Answers to the name Wally. Hopefully picked up by accident. If you know where my Gatorade is,

related: Those heirloom tomatoes had sentimental value!

→ 23 CommentsFILED UNDER: beverages · note wars · office fridge · smartass · stealing


Memento, the sequel

August 5th, 2012 · 20 comments

Hey, Lenny, if you’re looking for an idea for your next tattoo, how about, “Don’t trust anything written in Comic Sans.”

James is a Liar Cheater and a Betrayer. you are pregnant with his baby, you need to know this. Don't trust him. Don't believe a word he says.

(Thanks to Syrah in Toronto for submitting!)

related: A little advice for the ladies

→ 20 CommentsFILED UNDER: Comic Sans Alert · Toronto · WTF?


Spilled Milk Carton Kids

August 3rd, 2012 · 23 comments

Karen in Madison, Wisconsin says her daughter left this note on the fridge sometime between midnight and 6:30 am:

If you are going to leave an open bottle of milk on its side in the fridge, make sure the cap is ALL the way on!!! I'm angry with you. >:(

The following afternoon, her brother came back with this:

*ATTENTION* If you ever want to see your milk cap again place 100 dollars in the envelope below

related: Lactose Intolerance

→ 23 CommentsFILED UNDER: family · Madison · milk


Your car has been “baptized”

August 1st, 2012 · 46 comments

Andy in Alexandria, Virginia passes this sign every day on his way to work, and says he’s always found the quotations around the word “baptized” to be a bit ominous. (“I have no idea what they are getting at,” he says.)

CHURCH PARKING ONLY VIOLATORS WILL BE CHURCH PARKING ONLY VIOLATORS WILL BE 'BAPTIZED'

Of course, if this sign seems familiar to you, that’s because this ol’ knee-slapper just might be the “unattended children will be given an espresso and a free puppy” of church parking signs. To wit:

Violators will be Baptized

Only Violators will be Baptized

Violators will be baptized

And back in Vienna, Virginia, it’s the cars that get baptized.

Church Parking UNAUTHORIZED VEHICLES WILL BE BAPTIZED

Related: What Would Jesus Text?

→ 46 CommentsFILED UNDER: Jesus · most popular notes of 2012 · parking


Hard Candy

July 31st, 2012 · 63 comments

“My best friend works at a hospital as a RN,” Jesse writes, “and one day, after a ridiculously long shift, she reached into the breakroom candy dish expecting, well, candy, and got a handful of pushpins instead. She wrote this note because a) she’s a smartass and b) to warn others.”

Jesse continues: “Minutes later, a doctor came in, reached into the candy dish, and popped one into his mouth. Then he spit it out, exclaiming, ‘This isn’t candy!’ My friend looked at him, and with a straight face said, ‘That’s why the note is there, Doctor.’ He looked down, read the note, and promptly left the room.”

This is not candy.

Adds Jesse: “But seriously, what kind of troll puts push pins in a candy dish?”

related: THIS IS A CANDY-OPTIONAL OFFICE

→ 63 CommentsFILED UNDER: candy · hospitals & doctors · most popular notes of 2012 · smartass


The Parent Tax

July 30th, 2012 · 99 comments

Well, Dad? What have you got to say for yourself?

Dear Daddy, Last night (4/24/12)I was looking for your hole puncher. (for mamas mothers day presant. I didn't find it. I looked inside in hopes to find the hole puncher. Instead I found my Halloween candy. I know it was Halloween because of the stickers inside of it. When (last year after Halloween) I asked you were it was you said "Oh, that's long gone by now." So you lied to my face. Also, now I'm strongly suspicious that for consecutive years you have been stealing our candy. I really want my candy back. It is rightfully mine. So I think you should give it back. Your Daughter, Callie

(Thanks to Katie in Kansas City for submitting!)

related: Why didn’t you tell me the tooth fairy wasn’t real?

→ 99 CommentsFILED UNDER: candy · Halloween · kids · Moms & Dads · most popular notes of 2012


The not-so-laid-back part of Portland

July 30th, 2012 · 69 comments

“I don’t know the back story here,” says Katie in Portland, Oregon, “but it seems like a better solution would have been to just, I don’t know, not park illegally?”

Dear Neighbor, Please extend the courtesy of ringing my doorbell and speaking to me before calling Parking Enforcement again. Thank you, Terri

related: How NOT to get out of a parking ticket

→ 69 CommentsFILED UNDER: neighbors · parking · Portland · the po-po


That’s a drawing of a grill, okay?

July 26th, 2012 · 39 comments

Okay, I think everyone’s had enough of the Outdoor Cat Debate of 2012. Perhaps a little double entendre to lighten the mood? Alrighty then!

This piece by Jamie’s daughter was hanging on the wall outside her classroom during Parent’s Day at the school. “She had no idea why it was funny to us,” Jamie says. (Her daughter’s teacher, meanwhile…)

My mother's favorite food is Dad's meet [sic]

related: “Drunk Mommy”

P.S. The passive-aggressive part of this note is the crappy watermark. I hate watermarks. Screw you, karma/pageview whores!

→ 39 CommentsFILED UNDER: double-entendre alert · kids · Moms & Dads · most popular notes of 2012 · not so much passive-aggressive


So if you know anyone who cares about their pets…

July 25th, 2012 · 449 comments

Here’s how Connie explains the situation: “I’m selling my house and moving to a new town. I’ve had an outdoor cat for almost five years, and she doesn’t do well indoors. Since it looks like I’ll end up in an apartment for the first year, I’m trying to find a new home for her. I made the mistake of asking a coworker who is passionate about his pets — seriously, he loves them more than people — and I thought he was just having a little fun with me when he bashed me for ‘throwing her away.’ I laughed and just told him to ask around and let me know.”

Here’s how Connie’s coworker chose to do that:

Connie is abandoning her pet cat even though it was a very loyal pet many years and its probably going to end up on a shelter.    So if you know anyone who cares about their pets and has room for one more, please let her know.  Thanks,  Brian

related: Sorry, my friends don’t eat cat.

extra credit: The saga of the passive-aggressive “lost cat” poster 

→ 449 CommentsFILED UNDER: cats · e-mail · frenemies · guilt trip · self-righteous vegans · South Carolina