Ah, the miracle of childbirth!

March 13th, 2014 · 135 comments

Isaac prefaces this by saying, “I feel bad for the person who posted this screed. I really do.”

But — and isn’t there always a but? — he adds: “The university library here has a HUGE laptop and gadget-theft problem, and there are signs everywhere warning people not to leave their stuff unattended. This guy left a $2000+ shiny Apple laptop just sitting on a table, with all of his super-sentimental irreplaceable pictures on it, and just walked away. And then expected nothing to happen. Really?

My Apple MacBook Pro was stolen January 30 from the Alexander Library at Rutgers University in New Brunswick, N.J.  I have just a few words for the opportunistic, cowardly thief, and I would like to throw them out into the universe so I can move on:  First, I will give you the benefit of the doubt that you are least some portion of an actual human being with a conscience and a degree or two of a moral compass...  Before you wipe my computer clean (and sell it to feed whatever disgusting vice moves you), you should open some of the folders of photography from the last 35 days. You will find all of the images and video I shot of my son Gavin since he was born on Dec, 31, 2013. Spending every moment I could with him since he was born, the backing up of my files took a back seat; your one selfish act has robbed Gavin, my wife, and my family of many irreplaceable memories. You stole everything we had to document Gavin's arrival into the world.  You should look at those photos and ask yourself a few questions about who you are. What kind of future do you think you will have if you are capable of so casually inflicting pain on other people? If you can look at those images of my son in the isolate, jabbed with i.v.'s and struggling to keep his premature body warm, and you don't feel something, then you are a lost cause. There is no pathos for you. You have chosen your path and you will walk alone to the grave. You have taken so much from me, my son, and my wife, but I can still pick up my son and feel his perfect breath on my cheek. Good luck ever finding that in your life.

related: Which is a more despicable crime?

→ 135 CommentsFILED UNDER: college life · guilt trip · New Jersey · purple prose · stealing


Dirty birds

March 12th, 2014 · 27 comments

What’s tackier than a pimp cup crusted in rhinestones? How bout a pimp cup crusted in last weekend’s purple drank?

This cup is not Queen it's dirty please wash

(Thanks, CharChar!)

related: That’s punny

 

→ 27 CommentsFILED UNDER: dishes · roommates


For sale: tire swing, never used.

March 11th, 2014 · 48 comments

Mothers-in-law. ‘Nuff said.

we have a tire horse swing that we bought for our grandson, well he never comes over and so we figured we would sell it, so we are thinking $35. It can hold up to 150 pounds. thank you.

related: Nobody does guilt trips quite like Grandma

extra credit: sixwordmemoirs.com

→ 48 CommentsFILED UNDER: Facebook · family · Grandma · guilt trip


Trouble is brewing

March 9th, 2014 · 104 comments

Writes Patrick in Wisconsin: “A member of our office staff prefers a lighter blend, while the rest of us tech guys prefer a cup of coffee that will actually wake us up.”

After the original laminated note spurred this tempest in a coffee pot, Patrick says that Ms. “Three Scoops” upped the ante by bringing in a second coffeemaker for her own personal use. The notes, however, remain.

3 Scoops of grounds brews a great pot of coffee.  If you like coffee so weak that you can see through it. If you're looking for mud, please see Starbucks. :) Considering that Starbucks is one of the most successful businesses in history, they probably know a thing or two about making coffee.  Good Point, and to continue your example, even Starbucks has a blonde roast. They found that many customers demanded a lighter coffee, because they didn't want swampwater. :-P  Note it is called Blonde Blend!  Crafty people discovered a long time ago that you can turn coffee that is too strong into weaker coffee by simply adding water. However to turn (brown) water into something else, one needs the power of the almighty.

related: Coffee-brewing for engineers

→ 104 CommentsFILED UNDER: a matter of taste · coffee · office · saga · Starbucks


Can’t you go back to parking down by the river?

March 5th, 2014 · 67 comments

Writes Jack in Seattle: “A friend of ours is a professional tile setter and general handyman. Sometimes he stays over and parks his work van on our block. We found this note on his windshield one morning after Sunday brunch. It’s so typically ‘Seattle’ it’s hard to be offended.”

No offense but this van looks hella creepy at night.  can you park it in front of someone else's house from now on.  I'd really appreciate it.  Thanks :) -easily creeped out neighbor

Meanwhile, Charon noticed that this van-owner in Couer d’Alene, Idaho did get offended, “apparently because he owns a creepy van and people pointed out that it was creepy.”

hey lady I own a home next to the school, I like this van, and now I've been profiled for driving home. I work at the Hayden Library, my wife nurses the dying, you owe us an apology.

P.S. Van owner: Maybe “I own a home next to the school” wasn’t the best way to get your point across here?

related: I don’t know you, and this is crazy…but your boyfriend’s hot, and your parking’s lazy.

extra credit: the 10 creepiest vans [jalopnik.com]

→ 67 CommentsFILED UNDER: Idaho · kinda creepy · parking · Seattle · smiley


“I power walked so powerfully I got the runs!”

March 4th, 2014 · 56 comments

So, this happened.
To the 'power walker' in the black hoodie and sunglasses who POOPED behind this AC unit on the morning of February 28th. I just wanted to let you know that I saw your take your dump. You may want to choose a better spot the next time you feel the urge to go. P.S. Don't litter please. Next time take the tissue you wiped with.

And Dani in Texas…thanks for sharing?

related: A nasty twist on “Man Bites Dog”
extra credit: Nance Bodean’s Guide to Power Walking [youtube]

→ 56 CommentsFILED UNDER: p.s. · shit · Texas


Thank heaven for little girls

March 3rd, 2014 · 28 comments

Writes our submitter, Amy: “In going through my late great-grandmother’s memorabilia trunk, I saw that she apparently kept a ‘thank you’ letter I wrote her when I was eight years old.” (Said Amy’s mother, of the discovery:  ”I clearly did not supervise the writing of this note.”)

Dear G.G. The five dollars were mostly spent on a record by the Village People. This letter is late because so was the five dollars. Thank you Sincerely Amy

related: Grandma saves granddaughter the trouble; writes thank you note to herself

→ 28 CommentsFILED UNDER: family · kids · thanks (but not really)


How many cliches can we fit on one piece of paper?

February 27th, 2014 · 55 comments

So, which jumble o’ jargon would you rip off the wall first?

Exhibit A?

PLAY hard & WORK hard. Make everything count!

or Exhibit B?

Your mother does not work here! If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be neat and wipe the seat (and floor!)

Coincidentally, both of these notes come to us from Colorado, apparently the least creative state in the union.

Go ahead and post those speculative explanations regarding The Centennial State’s staggering dearth of originality in the comments below. Then we’ll circle back to brainstorm some synergistic solutions. (“The Centennial State?” Really? It’s like you’re not even trying, Colorado!)

related: The rhyme that must be flushed

→ 55 CommentsFILED UNDER: Colorado · office · toilet · Your mother doesn't...


Lipstick Kisses and Pizza Breath Dreams

February 24th, 2014 · 32 comments

Writes Jean in Minneapolis: “Apparently some cool college girls decided to leave their mark on the wall of this pizza joint, just out of eye shot from the kitchen. The entire hallway is sprinkled with lipstick kisses.”

To: Anyone who puts kissing stains on this wall - We wash this wall with toilet water. Thank you

related: Do not kiss on someone else’s kiss

→ 32 CommentsFILED UNDER: Minneapolis/St. Paul · restaurant · so this is a thing? · that's unsanitary


Got it, Ed?

February 19th, 2014 · 40 comments

Our submitter spotted this behind a building on a college campus in Maine — a college that apparently does not tolerate outside-the-utility-box thinking among its employees.

ED THIS IS HOW YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO PAINT THEM

Poor Ed. If only he worked in a jurisdiction where his style of painting could truly be appreciated, like, say, San Francisco…

Or Boston…

 

Or Salem, Massachusetts…

…or dozens of other cities around the world. Don’t give in to the man, Ed!

related: The Gateway to Contractor Hell

 

→ 40 CommentsFILED UNDER: Maine · public shaming