Hover & Flow(chart)

November 15th, 2011 · 131 comments

Writes Erica in New York: “I don’t think this woman is aware that the aggressive automatic flush makes water splash all over the toilet seats…but she’s obviously very angry.”

When you pee, do you squat and hover over the toilet seat?

related: Coffee pot flowchart

→ 131 CommentsFILED UNDER: etiquette · flow chart · most popular notes of 2011 · New York · office · piss · toilet


The Toilet Paper Manifesto

November 14th, 2011 · 90 comments

When four people share one bathroom, true equity in toilet-paper purchasing is nearly impossible to come by without conflict.

Just take a look at the opening salvo issued at Laura’s apartment in Georgia:

Clearly, you use the bathroom, which means that you use the 12 rolls of toilet paper I bought a week ago. And you bought 4. Really? Is this okay in the eyes of baby Jesus? Equality is important in today's society. Do you know who doesn't like equality? TERRORISTS. TERRORISTS DO NOT LIKE EQUALITY.

…and the first response:

I've started using my own toilet paper. Sorry for any confusion.

Your move, “Scott.”

related: Five approaches to TP maintenance

→ 90 CommentsFILED UNDER: college life · Georgia · gloriously redundant · Jesus · p.s. · rebuttals · roommates · signed with love · smartass · toilet paper · visual aids


XXX, Mum

November 12th, 2011 · 88 comments

James in the U.K. recently came home from football practice to discover that, in his absence, his mother had gotten a peek at his Internet browser history (“full of…well, I’m 15, I’m sure you can guess.”) As cool as his mum was about the whole thing, says James, “I still don’t know if I’ll be able to look her in the face for a while.”

Dear James, Yes, your laptop HAS been used - I couldn't find my charger. Sorry. P.S: You should probably delete your search history - your Gran would be shocked. P.P.S: You know Internet Explorer has a mode for stuff like that, it's called Incognito Mode, I think. Happy viewing! Lots of love, Mum. XOXO

Dear James, Yes, your laptop HAS been used - I couldn't find my charger. Sorry. P.S: You should probably delete your search history - your Gran would be shocked. P.P.S: You know Internet Explorer has a mode for stuff like that, it's called Incognito Mode, I think. Happy viewing! Lots of love, Mum. XOXO

“Happy viewing”? Nicely played, Mum.

related: “Sweetie, I saw that Walgreens is having a sale on jumbo-sized rubbers, so of course I thought of you!”

→ 88 CommentsFILED UNDER: "helpful" advice · Mother-son notes · Oops? · p.s. · sex sex sex · signed with love · U.K. · xoxo


If a tree falls in my kitchen but I don’t know where the broom is located…

November 10th, 2011 · 81 comments

Savanna in Michigan says her landlord left this note on the kitchen floor “next to a tiny pile of tiny scraps of trash on the floor from dinner I had made.” Her excuse? “I don’t think we even have a broom, and if we do I have no idea where he keeps it.”

Um, Savanna, honey? No. Just…no.

The question I'm asking myself...

related: That rug really tied the room together, did it not?

→ 81 CommentsFILED UNDER: anthropomorphism · cleaning · landlords and property managers · Michigan · signed with love


From the Manager’s Book of Quotes for Inspiring Workplace Paranoia

November 9th, 2011 · 43 comments

Writes our submitter in Madison, Wisconsin: “This note appeared in the staff bathrooms the day after a meeting I had with my boss…a meeting that included some discussion about how large parts of my day involve looking for things to do. So…I guess I’m ‘uninteresting’?”

related: A few clues that you might be stuck in a soul-sucking job

→ 43 CommentsFILED UNDER: message to all intended for one · now that's management · office


Why can’t I turn this toaster on?

November 8th, 2011 · 59 comments

Instead of letting the Facilities Dept. know that the toaster was broken, the folks in Catherine’s office opted to collaboratively solve the problem Apollo-13 style, using only the paper products found in the office supply cabinet.

The major difference? This time, failure was an option.

Won't heat up. (Maybe it's just not that into you?) It's not plugged in! (Even plugged in it doesn't work!)

related: I’m calling to report a case of toaster abuse?

→ 59 CommentsFILED UNDER: kitchen · note wars · office · Oregon · smartass · toaster


Clap Your Hands Say Nah

November 7th, 2011 · 85 comments

“For the past couple of weeks,” writes Anna in Oakland, “someone in the alley or the building next door to mine has started clapping every day at 8:30 a.m. Just clapping. For at least ten minutes at a time. It’s been driving me crazy, and apparently I’m not the only one.”

Yeah, I can see how that would get old.

Dear neighbor who likes to clap by his open window on the alley early in the morning: Please have some consideration for your neighbors who are still sleeping. Please close your window. Or do your clapping thing in the middle of the day instead of the early morning. Thanks, A neighbor who sleeps later than you.

related: What the hell is going on at this office?

→ 85 CommentsFILED UNDER: neighbors · noise · Oakland · WTF?


The unfinished story of the unhappy door

November 6th, 2011 · 71 comments

The missing last line of this story: “Unfortunately, it just made people slam the door more loudly out of spite.”

Once upon a time there was a door that was rather unhappy. Every day people would allow the door to slam very loudly. The door was a very thoughtful door, so it very sad about the people who allow him to slam and cause such a disturbance. One day one person had the idea to leave a subtle note on the door with the hope that this note would tactfully encourage people to stop slamming their f&*king doors. -The end-

(Upon publication, this story was roundly slammed by reviewers.)

related: “The life of a toilet is much more stressful than people realize”

→ 71 CommentsFILED UNDER: anthropomorphism · clip art catastrophe · door-slamming · neighbors · U.K.


Happy National Sandwich Day!

November 3rd, 2011 · 80 comments

Would you care to furnish the last line of this haiku?

Who stole my sandwich! (Could it be the) SANDWICH THIEF!!

related: Sandwich guilt

extra credit: Lunch Bugs Anti-Theft Sandwich Bags

→ 80 CommentsFILED UNDER: food · London · office fridge · smartass · stealing


Congratulations! At some point in time, through no effort of your own, you were born.

November 2nd, 2011 · 127 comments

So, imma let you in on a little secret: nobody has any reason to give a shit about your birthday. If you’re over the age of, say, 12, and still expect people to fete your very existence every year, you should also expect to be disappointed. (Yes, I’m the Grinch of birthdays. And don’t even get me started on “birthday weeks.”)

That said, in this case our submitter actually did call her mother on the day of her birth. When Mom didn’t pick up, quick-thinking daughter left her a message. After that, our submitter says, her mother didn’t return her calls for several days — until phoning to say, “Check your e-mail.” While still on the line, our submitter did just that — and found this lovely e-card.

Thanks...a whole bunch! Thank You so much for the birthd.... Oh, wait a minute..... you didn't acknowledge my birthday... Mom

related: It’s my pity party and I’ll whine if I want to

extra credit: Half birthdays are the new black [stfuparents]

→ 127 CommentsFILED UNDER: birthday · ellipses-crazed · Mother-daughter notes · thanks (but not really)