Where cursing thieves with crippling violence has a 2000-year-old precedent

October 4th, 2011 · 28 comments

Spotted by Vicky at an antiques shop in Bath, England: a modern twist on the ancient local tradition of curse tablets. (To quote Wikipedia: “About 130 curse tablets have been found at Aquae Sulis, now Bath in England, where many of the curses related to thefts of clothes whilst the victim was bathing.”)

Notice, to all prospective Shoplifters: We strongly recommend that prior to committing your despicable act you purchase one, or maybe two, of our very reasonably priced walking sticks (only £2 each) because if we catch you they will be a vital aid to you for at least 6 months. -Rolfey's P.s We also have a multi camera CCTV system

related: Law & Order: Social Media Unit

extra credit: Curse tablets of Roman Britain

→ 28 CommentsFILED UNDER: not-so-veiled threats · retail hell · stealing · U.K.


Don’t be an ash-hole! Love, Mom

October 3rd, 2011 · 155 comments

“My friends’ mom has four cigarette-smoking daughters under one roof,” says our submitter in Cleveland. “She had to reach her breaking point eventually.”

Hi All! If you

related: Love, the Landlord

→ 155 CommentsFILED UNDER: Cleveland · heart · Mother-daughter notes · signed with love · smoking · unnecessary "quotation marks"


Governor of California to State Senate: “Get Stuffed.”

October 2nd, 2011 · 43 comments

Well played, Jerry Brown.

To the Members of the California State Senate: I am signing SB 769 which allows for a dead mountain lion to be stuffed and displayed.  This presumably important bill earned overwhelming support by both Republicans and Democrats. If only that same energetic bipartisan spirit could be applied to creating clean energy jobs and ending tax laws that send jobs out of state. Sincerely, Edmund G. Brown Jr.

related: We hope you enjoy these jobs…because we paid for them!

extra credit: “Look at that antelope driving a car!” [via thinkprogress.com]

→ 43 CommentsFILED UNDER: California · most popular notes of 2011 · politics · sarcasm


Another air freshener fracas

September 29th, 2011 · 121 comments

“My supervisor posted this notice in the ladies’ restroom in the lobby of our office,” says our submitter in Louisiana, “but it was directed solely at me.” (One of the more vocal anti-air freshener employees on staff, our submitter’s desk happens to be located immediately outside the restroom.)

Despite the fact that, as our submitter put it, “that Summer Breeze crap smells like a giant migraine,” her boss declared that “Lemon Peel is a ‘masculine scent’ more suited for the men’s room.” Adds our submitter: “I still haven’t figured out the identities of all these people who are lamenting the absence of the Summer Breeze.”

To whomever is removing the Staples Summer Breeze Dry Air Freshener and replacing it with the Staples Lemon Peel Dry Air Freshener: Please stop doing this immediately; it seems as though [?] prefers the Summer Breeze. Several have complained about it disappearing. Thank you in advance.

related: Please spray your corpses BEFORE placing them in the restroom

extra credit: “How ‘fresh’ is air freshener?” [Time.com]

→ 121 CommentsFILED UNDER: a matter of taste · bathroom · Louisiana · message to all intended for one · odor · office · smiley


Perhaps your boss is due for a little chat with HR?

September 28th, 2011 · 31 comments

The sign to the left was posted by the boss at an office in Oneonta, New York. (Adds our submitter: “He claims the spelling was autocorrected by Word.”)

Without even getting into the finer points of what might constitute a “hostile work environment,” I think it’s safe to say that encouraging your employees to commit suicide isn’t the best management technique.

IF YOU ARE NOT INTELLEGENT [sic] ENOUGH TO RINSE OUT THE EMPTIES, PLEASE KILL YOURSELF NOW.  [response:] What about not being able to spell

(Of course, some managers might disagree.)

You don't call retarded people retards. You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded.

related: Signs you might be stuck in a soul-sucking job

→ 31 CommentsFILED UNDER: a little insensitive · crazy boss · die bitch die · more aggressive than passive · New York · now that's management · rebuttals · recycling · spelling and grammar police · that's irresponsible


Our Lady of Passive-Aggression

September 27th, 2011 · 35 comments

“My friend and her mother have little exchanges like this via Facebook all the time,” says our anonymous submitter. “It’s always lovely to get these little peeks into their relationship.”

Mom: Well, I know you didn't go to church to worship but I am very pleased to see you have at least been inside one since you got there. This is very pretty.

related: Best wishes, godless heathens!

→ 35 CommentsFILED UNDER: Facebook · guilt trip · Jesus · Mother-daughter notes


Ceci n’est pas une porte

September 26th, 2011 · 41 comments

Q. When is a door not a door?

A. If you ask a 10-year-old with a joke book: “When it’s ajar.” Otherwise…whenever somebody says so.

Exhibit a) from Trent in Melbourne, Australia:

This is not a door. You only think it's a door because it looks like a door. But it's not. Don't believe the hype. Please use side entrance.

This is not a door. You only think it's a door because it looks like a door. But it's not. Don't believe the hype. Please use side entrance.

Exhibit b) from Michael in North Carolina:

This door is not a door

Exhibit c) from Laura in Greenville, South Carolina:

This isn't a door. It's a regular wall. (Response:) Then how do you explain this???

Exhibit d) from Shannon in Albany, New York:

Looks like a door - YES. Works like a door - NO

Exhibit e) from Summer in Austin, Texas:

This Is NOT a Door. Door is just for looks! Lock is broken. Use door as it if is a wall.

And lastly, a straight-up Magritte shout-out:

Ceci n'est pas une porte

related: The existential crisis of a water fountain

→ 41 CommentsFILED UNDER: questionable logic · WTF?


Playing the terrorism card to justify your late-night karaoke dance party? Really?

September 25th, 2011 · 58 comments

If it wasn’t obvious, Lorah in NYC says the response note here was most definitely a total lie. (The residents of 4B are musical theater actors, and sing-and-dance-a-thons are not uncommon events in their apartment.)

Please respect your neighbors. Any singing/dancing/noise after 11pm, management & police will be notified. -The Tenants

So sorry for all the commotion last night. We meant no disrespect by singing/dancing. A dear friend returned from overseas, fighting the war on terror. We had a celebration for his return. It would be a shame if you do not support our soldiers overseas. Please come see our apartment. It's red, white, and blue. NOW WHO'S THE TERRORIST?! <3 the residents of 4B xoxoxo

related: If you don’t read this, the terrorists win! Do you hate America?

→ 58 CommentsFILED UNDER: heart · neighbors · New York · noise · non-apology apology · oh no you didn't · smartass · that's disrespectful · xoxo


Hello Kitty says: “Unconditional love can be complicated!”

September 23rd, 2011 · 59 comments

Melody in Schenectady, New York says her 7-year-old daughter, Emma, is constantly writing little stories and whatnot, which inevitably end up all over the house. As Melody was picking up some of Emma’s latest scraps, she found this note addressed to her 4-year-old sister.

Hay Addison, I thingk you sud be niser to me i still love y(ou) but your driv me crase. Love, Emma

related: S is for sibling rivalry

→ 59 CommentsFILED UNDER: kids · New York · siblings · signed with love


The old “wipe & walk” trick

September 21st, 2011 · 117 comments

Option a) “Hey, Iva, could you buy some TP? We’re out.”

Option b) Several weeks of seething funneled into eight six colored markers’ worth of heart exclamation point smiley THREAT heart heart.

And the winner is…

Dear Iva, I hope you had a nice day!! :) When I moved in, I bought 6 rolls of TP & a giant tissue box. Heather bought 6 more TP rolls & the paper towel box. Unless for some reason you do not shit, pee, or wash your hands, you have used all of those things.  THEY ARE GONE. Please replenish these items by Thursday latest. If you don't, Heath & I will continue buying those things, but we will keep them in our rooms for when WE would like to pee. That sounds really funny and everything but I'M ACTUALLY NOT KIDDING. We appreciate it!! heart heart Bell

Gee, Bell, that IS funny, cuz you really threw me off with that “I hope you had a nice day!! <3 :)” shit. (I’M ACTUALLY KIDDING. I WILL CUT YOU.)

related: One sure sign your roommate situation isn’t working out?

→ 117 CommentsFILED UNDER: heart · mean girls · not-so-veiled threats · rainbow-colored · roommates · signed with love · smiley · toilet paper