The firstborn, dethroned

July 26th, 2010 · 67 comments

I think it’s actually pretty amazing how Kathy’s six-year-old daughter — feeling a wee bit neglected now that there’s a baby brother on the scene — has managed to capture the love/hate essence of the “I’m no longer an only child” crisis in words, however adorably misspelled. (As the oldest of four kids myself, my mother will never let me forget that my method of expressing those feelings — temper tantrums — was considerably less cute.)

Do not come in.  I never get [attention].  Thank you.  Love Samantha. [Only] come in if you give me [attention.]

related: Sibling rivalry, the rift that keeps on giving

extra credit: “Does Birth Order Matter?” [nytimes.com]

→ 67 CommentsFILED UNDER: New Hampshire · family · kids · siblings · signed with love


It’s my pity party, and I’ll whine if I want to

July 25th, 2010 · 62 comments

If I had to choose the one thing I hate most about Facebook, I think it would have to be how it’s normalized the narcissistic idea that the day you were born (and increasingly the entire week/month leading up to it) is somehow an annual event of earth-shattering importance…and (part two), how it has turned into a venue for people who share that idea to host their own pity parties, like so:

wow. Thanks to all the family members that didn't wish me a happy birthday. That's nice. I'll remember that next year when it's your birthdays.

Of course, some of those people prefer the prematurely pissy approach — this message, for example, was apparently posted at 10:50 the day before her birthday:

[redacted] is wondering who would show up to my funeral because obviously my wedding and birthday aren't important enough. Thanks to those who do care though.

But on Facebook, the “proactively setting the bar low” approach (as opposed to proactively setting the bar high) might yield better results…that is, if your friends still pity you enough to put with your juvenile bullshit.

Because you can't be there, or because you don't care to be, when [redacted] turns another year older. Because it's easier than spending time with her, and you feel less guilty than RSVPing

related: “I received 25 bday wishes out of 473 Facebook friends.”

→ 62 CommentsFILED UNDER: birthday · cry me a freaking river · facebook · grow up · guilt trip · martyr complex


The most unpleasant of pleasantries

July 22nd, 2010 · 197 comments

So, Jen in Ontario, Canada just moved into a new shared living arrangement…with a 50-something lady. “I thought having an older person as a roommate would more peaceful,” she explains. “Turns out I was wrong.” Communication skills, it seems, aren’t one of those things that necessarily improve with age.

Within a week of moving in, Jen says, there were “helpful instructions” taped up all around the house. After that, the notes just kept coming, accusing Jen of everything from filling the dishwasher with soy sauce to sabotaging the tea kettle — always book-ended by a “Pls” and “Thank you,” of course. Because that’s how mature adults act.

Pls stop. Thank you!

Pls empty water in kettle after you've finished with it. The hard water destroys the bottom of the inside of the kettle. Thanks! (turn over page) Pls use Brita water in kettle out of small Brita pitcher in fridge. Thank you!

P.S. Also please rinse your dishes before you put things in dishwasher...to much soya sauce in dishwasher.

related: The Post-it Wars

→ 197 CommentsFILED UNDER: "helpful" advice · Ontario · blitzkrieg approach · cleaning · dishes · dishwasher · kitchen · laundry · old folks · p.s. · roommates


The bathroom battle of the sexes…a true race to the bottom.

July 21st, 2010 · 79 comments

Though your attention might have drifted ever so briefly, I’d like to reassure you that the ongoing debate over which restrooms (men’s or women’s) are the foulest continues to rage on — and yes, it’s as nauseating as ever!

I literally received these two submissions — the first from an EMT school in Massachusetts, the second from a non-profit in D.C. — within minutes of each other. Mere coincidence? Or a cosmic clue from the Internet gods that it was time for a showdown between “Angulated Rectum Guy” and “The Queen of Diahrriah?” Okay, that was a gimme. The real question: who would you rather share a loo with?

Exhibit A) as witnessed by Josh in Fall River, Mass.

Hey...... There is no Excuse for leaving the toilet covered in Feces (that is shit in case you didn't know). So...... Whoever is the guy with the angulated Rectum... Please do one of the following: A. Sit down on the seat... it is clean, we pay a cleaning staff! B. See a Dr. ... You have a problem! C. Clean up after yourself! Non of us should be exposed to it..

Exhibit B) From an anonymous bystander in College Park, Maryland

PLEASE CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF'S!

related: And you thought college students were foul…

→ 79 CommentsFILED UNDER: D.C. · Massachusetts · bathroom · bold-underlined-caps · ellipses-crazed · exclamation-point happy!!!! · obnoxious definition · office · shit · spelling and grammar police · that shit is disgusting · toilet


Excuse me, I’m here to file a restraining order on behalf of my house plant

July 20th, 2010 · 40 comments

“My next-door neighbor has some problems with controlling her rage,” says Guy in Austin. So when the apartment manager wouldn’t force her upstairs neighbors to take down their bird feeder — on the grounds that the resulting bird crap from above constituted plant harassment — she wasn’t about to let the issue drop quietly.

I cannot have my plants because the person upstairs is harrasing [sic] my plants + me.
I cannot have my plants because the person upstairs is harrasing [sic] my plants + me.

Meanwhile, Lucas brings us this report of a uncontrollable botanophile on the loose at his office in Toronto.

Stop molesting my plant! (I can't help it, it feels so good!)

→ 40 CommentsFILED UNDER: Austin · Toronto · neighbors · plants · rebuttals · smartass