“replace the roll“? fair enough. any special requests after that, though, i’m not so sure about. as our submitter in lexington, kentucky writes: “does that extra .34-second step really cause your day to go so horribly?”

on the flipside…don’t flush ‘em, i understand. but…really, ladies? as our submitter in orlando put it: “i don’t know what scares me more: the fact that this was a problem, or the fact that my employers had professional signs made up to deter people from doing it.”

related: a filthy hap pit

this little water fountain with big dreams was spotted by elizabeth in a college dorm in indianapolis. the illegible signature is a nice touch, no?

related: i eat dirty plates

carmen in washington, d.c. says she and her roommates suffered for months at the hands of this “crazy, obsessive-compulsive who made our lives miserable.” by the end of the fall semester, carmen says, the house was a near-war zone, and the girl finally moved out. “around the time she was packing up her things, we decorated for the holidays and cleaned up a bit. see was livid, and accused us of waiting to clean up until then because we had been trying to drive her from the house with the mess.” (hmm…how would you classify that sort of behavior?)

a week later, carmen and her roommates received this card. enclosed: one house key, and one hearty holiday dose of condescension.

(the front of the card)

related: way harsh, tai

today’s post is dedicated to the dirty minds in the department of double entendres. (hey there, commenters!)

this first note, as spotted by dana in san francisco, needs no further introduction.

next up: michelle in orlando says this note posted on the employee mailboxes at the theme park where she works. “our uniforms include a vest made of wool,” michelle explains, “and when the vests get wet they smell (fittingly) like wet animal.”

related: covering all the bases

writes marni in brooklyn: “we tried this restaurant back when they first opened. the food was pretty bad, it took forever to arrive, and i believe our waitress quit or was fired (either way, there was some yelling) during our meal. many gimmicks involving morning coffee were attempted, but the signage made the food look really unappealing, the type of cuisine was unclear, and there are so many restaurants in park slope that if you can’t stand out for good reasons, you’re just not going to succeed. trying to make the neighborhood feel guilty about it ain’t gonna work.” but that doesn’t mean they won’t try!

another small business CLOSED FOR GOOD, as spotted by the ulterior epicure in lawrence, kansas:

by erich in london, ontario:

and in tyler, texas:

related: top five musical crimes perpetrated by record store customers in the 90s and 2000s

this restroom sign from baton rouge, louisiana manages to combine variations on two of the genre’s most irritating cliches — the rhyme that must be flushed and the clip art that must be stopped…with some additional ridiculous floral clip art thrown in for good measure.

and yet, somehow, this note manages to offend me even more. i don’t think i’ll see cupcakes the same way ever again.

related: the “your mother doesn’t work here” of the hospitality industry

extra credit: “it’s your birthday and we do give a shit”

seriously, how much do you want to _____ this guy in the _____ right now?  (you fill in the blank)

next year, i think this guy and this girl should collaborate on a gigantic fucking birthday pity party.

related: you know, i’m getting input here that is relatively hostile

extra credit: facebook is for narcissists

based on this note — found by matthew at his share house in london — i am citing jane with a serious “misuse of mixtape” violation. (and “by the way,” talk about burying the lead!)

jane, minxes like you are what keep the seth cohen/landry clarks of the world pining away for the unattainable summer roberts/tyra collettes of the world instead of making a go of it with the smart, punky, emotionally available girl with cute glasses who is so clearly the better choice. i reserve judgment on gareth only because this note was found abandoned in a share house he no longer lives in, rather than being pressed into a scrapbook somewhere. let’s hope he’s moved on from his infatuation with this unemployed little cock-tease.

related: textbook dmitri

no, it’s not really “passive-aggressive.” but this find — spotted by matthew in los angeles — is just too magical to keep to myself.

oh, and mishell, if you ever jog on down to austin and want to share a banana-free breakfast taco or tamale, let me know. (but let’s say 9:30, ’cause i have something at 11:00.)

related: phil the vampire slayer

extra credit: notes from chris [urbanprankster.com]
craig’s posters [sydney morning herald]