For their daughter’s first birthday, Mr. and Mrs. Schmidt decided it would be fun to throw a casual little backyard get-together at their home in Rochester, Minnesota.
Like the good church-going Minnesotans they are, the Schmidts sent out this e-mail invite to their small-ish congregation of about 200 people, expecting maybe 20 or 30 to stop by for some cake.
Hello St. Luke’s family! Madeleine turns ONE on 8/8/8! To celebrate, she’s hosting her very own backyard tea party on Saturday, August 9th at 1:00 p.m. No gifts necessary – your presence is present enough.
We hope you and your family will join us as we celebrate the first of many fun birthdays with our little princess. If you have a moment, please RSVP to so we know how many cucumber sandwiches to make.
Mr. Schmidt happens to be the local TV weatherman, but neither of the Schmidts could have predicted the outraged response they received by mail a few days later (unsigned, with no return address).
![Mr + Mrs. Schmidt: I think I've heard everything now. Who invites every adult that they know to a 1 year old's birthday? If you want free toys, baby cloths [sic] and cash gifts why doesn't Mr. Schmidt just annonce it on his always wrong weather show? Why do you have to burden every person within hearing range to run out and buy a card and a gift. You two truely [sic] are a pair of complete asses, that doesn't say to [sic] much for your parents. How long are you going to terrioze [sic] this community?](http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3163/2742123335_0938f2f9b0.jpg "Mr + Mrs. Schmidt: I think I've heard everything now. Who invites every adult that they know to a 1 year old's birthday? If you want free toys, baby cloths [sic] and cash gifts why doesn't Mr. Schmidt just annonce it on his always wrong weather show? Why do you have to burden every person within hearing range to run out and buy a card and a gift. You two truely [sic] are a pair of complete asses, that doesn't say to [sic] much for your parents. How long are you going to terrioze [sic] this community?")
Adds Mrs. Schmidt: “We have no clue who sent it, and decided we’d have to laugh it off or go crazy trying to figure it out…so I’m doing my own passive-aggressive act and posting it here.”
related: An occasion that Blue Mountain Arts has yet to animate
241 responses so far ↓
#1
Canthz_B
Thank you for your kind note.
Judging from your evident low level of education, we feel that it is best you not attend. You probably need all you earn and cannot possibly afford a gift worthy of giving.
Aug 14, 2008 at 8:24 pm rating: 90
#2
anglophile
I agree with the letter writer.
Birthday party for a one-year-old + cucumber sandwiches = Terrorism
Aug 14, 2008 at 8:28 pm rating: 90
#3
amy d
I find myself very concerned with the oily stain after the second sentence. What was the note writer doing as he composed this manifesto?
Aug 14, 2008 at 8:33 pm rating: 90
#4
Canthz_B
I feel sorry for the poor pony that was supposed to be at the party, but instead had his head left in this guy’s bed!
Aug 14, 2008 at 8:34 pm rating: 90
#5
amy d
As long as it takes, my friend. As long as it takes.
Aug 14, 2008 at 8:36 pm rating: 90
#6
secondsout
Hide, everyone, there are terrorists in our midst! Wait, does that say “terrioze?” Never mind!
Aug 14, 2008 at 8:39 pm rating: 90
#7
secondsout
I would pick apart this guy’s spelling and grammar even further, but his inability to read the sentence about not bringing gifts is about all anyone needs to know about his intellect.
Aug 14, 2008 at 8:40 pm rating: 90
#8
Canthz_B
Kathy Lee Gifford…time to put Cody and Cassidy in the witness protection program because this note has given me the courage to do what I should have done years ago!
Aug 14, 2008 at 8:41 pm rating: 90
#9
secondsout
In the meantime, I’d rather slam my nuts in a car door than go to a birthday party for a one-year old.
Aug 14, 2008 at 8:41 pm rating: 90
#10
PandoraWombat
I’ve never heard of BABY CLOTHS before. Are they made out of real babies?
Aug 14, 2008 at 8:43 pm rating: 90
#11
secondsout
If the note-writer had any sense of humor, he would gift wrap some porn and send it to the baby for her birthday.
Aug 14, 2008 at 8:43 pm rating: 90
#12
PandoraWombat
“WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BURDEN EVERY PERSON WITHIN HEARING RANGE…”
So this guy decided to grow his fingernails really long so everyone could hear him type the email?
Aug 14, 2008 at 8:46 pm rating: 90
#13
amy d
And, if you order now, you’ll get this pair of complete asses. But, wait, there’s more!
Aug 14, 2008 at 8:52 pm rating: 90
#14
Canthz_B
The email as seen by the note writer:
Hello St. Luke’s family.
We believe our child should have lots of gifts on her special day. A day which is special to the whole community. Her first birthday!
Bring your kids and loads of money on 8-9-2008 to pay your tribute to Queen Madeleine.
Are you without children? Barren? Impotent?
Come share our joy and live vicariously through us. We’re perfect and so is our little Princess.
Aug 14, 2008 at 8:59 pm rating: 90
#15
Crash
Funny, how the letter was sent via e-mail to their church congregation and they receive this hand written note by snail mail in return…
WTF kind’a church do they go to ??
Aug 14, 2008 at 8:59 pm rating: 90
#16
Writer, Rejected
Maybe the crazy dude is just pissed about “Mr. Schmidt’s Always Wrong Weather Show” and he’s taking it out on Princess’ party invitation. Did you ever think of that? (Not a very good name for weather programming, btw.)
Aug 14, 2008 at 9:12 pm rating: 90
#17
Canthz_B
♫ They call the wind Terrioze!
Aug 14, 2008 at 9:15 pm rating: 90
#18
Mishee
I am speechless.
And how often does that happen??
Aug 14, 2008 at 9:16 pm rating: 90
#19
Canthz_B
Nothing sunny and mild about this note!
It’s about time someone rained on the weatherman’s parade for a change.
Aug 14, 2008 at 9:23 pm rating: 90
#20
ellemarie
you truely lack the necessary English language and social skills required even for everyday hate mail– that doesn’t say to much for your parents.
Aug 14, 2008 at 9:37 pm rating: 90
#21
ama
cucumber sandwich total….minus one
this note truely looks like it was written by a one-year-old. does’nt it.
Aug 14, 2008 at 9:43 pm rating: 90
#22
Canthz_B
What a comfort to know of the love one can find within a local church community.
The Smith family is sad to announce the death of our dear matriarch, Agnes Boynton Smith. The funeral will be preceded by a wake on 8-9-2008 at St. Luke’s. viewing begins at 1pm.
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US? MONEY? FLOWERS? SYMPATHY? EMOTIONAL SUPPORT? STOP TERRORIZING US AND PLANT THE OLD BITCH!!
Aug 14, 2008 at 9:48 pm rating: 90
#23
punkypower
Jeebus, take a chill pill, Unibomber. Methinks this dude is jealous that he never had his own backyard cucumber sandwich party.
Aug 14, 2008 at 10:12 pm rating: 90
#24
Agent Inspired
That is some real overkill to a party invitation.
And a nice day to you, too, sir!
Aug 14, 2008 at 10:18 pm rating: 90
#25
Steph
Aww, he used to do the weather in my hometown.
Aug 14, 2008 at 10:31 pm rating: 90
#26
James
MR + MRS SCHMIDT!
THANK YOU! TERRIFIC! FANTASITC!
THIS TEA PARTY SOUNDS LOVELY!
I’D BE GLAD TO COME!
LET ME JUST SCRAWL IT DOWN IN MY PLANNER MANIACALLY!
DONE!
I WAS JUST SCREAMING IN MY WIFE’S FACE ABOUT HOW WE HAVEN’T BEEN INVITED TO MANY SOCIAL OCCASIONS LATELY!
MAYBE IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY AGGRESSIVE YELLING AND WRITING IN CAPS!
KIND REGARDS!
P.S. DON’T LET ME TOO CLOSE TO YOUR DAUGHTER, I TEND TO MORTIFY CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!
Aug 14, 2008 at 10:37 pm rating: 90
#27
Quite Contrary
I’m thinking the deranged note writer doesn’t like cucumber sandwiches, but couldn’t bring himself to admit that.
Aug 14, 2008 at 11:07 pm rating: 90
#28
agirlie
http://www.kttc.com/Global/story.asp?S=8232005
Ted seems nice, the writer is just jealous. We always say no gifts, we just like to party…apparently the sender doth not like to party-eth. I would feel like giving him his very own cucumber. A very gracious couple not to go nuts.
Aug 14, 2008 at 11:30 pm rating: 90
#29
Mrs. Schmidt
Oh my, how you all have reinforced what a fantastic idea it was to send in this postcard! I’m laughing so hard I’m crying. Thank you so much for all your funny comments! They really take the sting out of the absurd postcard. You picked up on errors I didn’t even notice. Baby cloths grow up to be bath/beach towels?! Priceless!
Thank you!
Aug 14, 2008 at 11:40 pm rating: 90
#30
Miss Unloop
Cucumber sandwiches, eh? Oooh, we’re too POSH for the requisite Minnesota “coffee and bars” party refreshments, are we? Shall we partake of the sandwiches on the setee? That is, provided there are enough to go around… I NEVER seem to have enough myself. DAMN that Labour party!
Aug 14, 2008 at 11:59 pm rating: 90
#31
raiseyourglass
Can’t you read between the lines? He talks all sweetness and cucumber sandwiches but those, those smiley faces that just says satan!
http://www.jibjab.com/view/244415
Aug 15, 2008 at 12:20 am rating: 90
#32
BurstingAtTheSeams
Does anybody else think this note was written via left-handed by somebody who was right-handed, or vice versa?
Aug 15, 2008 at 12:28 am rating: 90
#33
Canthz_B
What they failed to submit to us is that there was a follow-up note written after the note writer re-read the invitation that said:
From:
Miss Emily Litella,
Nevermind.
Aug 15, 2008 at 12:51 am rating: 90
#34
Canthz_B
Hidden between the lines is a message from an abusive household:
Please call ahead of time. Bring 9 scones if you come with a guest, or come alone if you’d like.
Aug 15, 2008 at 1:16 am rating: 90
#35
secondsout
This thing looks like it’s written on an etch-a-sketch.
Aug 15, 2008 at 2:19 am rating: 90
#36
Crash
O.K
e-mail invitation to church, tea party for one year old = terrioze community…
Say’s the anonymouse note writer who disguises their handwriting in a psychopathic serial killer kind of way ?
Ya’…makes sense to me
Aug 15, 2008 at 2:34 am rating: 90
#37
Crash
I guess there can’t be too many people terrorizing the community at one time.
Aug 15, 2008 at 2:48 am rating: 90
#38
JillySue
The only way this could have been creepier would have been with words cut out of magazines.
Hierarchy of creepy print communication: typed–>handwritten–>handwritten all caps–>magazine cut out words
Aug 15, 2008 at 3:09 am rating: 90
#39
VentureSister
Not even in a sarcastic way, but I wonder if a child wrote this? The spelling errors and the handwriting look about the level I was at when I was 10(?) or so, just the right age to cause mischief and write harassing anonymous notes to people. Also, what adult calls people Mr. and Mrs. Schmidt? I dunno, maybe it’s just me, but I feel as though adults call each other by the first name if they are acquainted. Maybe this guy is a total fringe weirdo who isn’t on a first name basis, but I honestly see this as some kind of stupid prank, very similar to shit I pulled as a child.
Still, with only a few hundred names I would drive myself up the wall trying to figure it out. But I’ve always been the detective type. Good on you two for not letting it get to you too much!
Aug 15, 2008 at 5:48 am rating: 90
#40
philos
I bet this guy would’ve brought the best gift, lunatics usually do.
Aug 15, 2008 at 6:42 am rating: 90
#41
gwennie
i bet the schmidts’ cucumber sandwiches are fucking delicious and terriozers probably, too.
Aug 15, 2008 at 6:53 am rating: 90
#42
secretrebel
Bwahahaha. Well done, Mrs Schmidt, the best revenge is one served up on the interweb for the delectation of the PAN crew.
Parties for babies aren’t my bag, but yours seems anything but a solicitation for gifts. I think your note-writer didn’t get enough toys (and hugs) as a child and is projecting his bitterness.
Aug 15, 2008 at 7:26 am rating: 90
#43
HS
I think an old person wrote the note.
A. They wrote a note- but I guess if they emailed, that would identify them.
B. It looks like an old person hand-writing.
C. Who actually watches the weather besides old people, and then enough to know the aforementioned weatherman is always wrong?!
D. The spelling errors seem like an old person, too.
E. The letter-writer says now they have heard everything. Younger and middle-aged people haven’t been around long enough to ‘hear everything.’
Aug 15, 2008 at 7:42 am rating: 90
#44
Morgan
Send out a raffle invitation, and see who replies “I WANT TO WIN THE THING GIVE ME IT.”
Aug 15, 2008 at 8:00 am rating: 90
#45
GhostWriter
Madeleine is hosting the party.
She hosts all the parties.
Once, someone else tried to host their own party of sorts. Really, it was just a small gathering of four ladies having tea.
To say, “They quickly separated” would literally be correct. Fred suddenly found himself wearing a sanitation engineer’s outfit, assigned the unenviable task of cleaning up.
No one has hosted a party since.
Mrs. Schmidt’s hands trembled when she read the note. Not from rage or insult, but rather from fear.
Madeleine would find out about the note. Madeleine always knew. If Mrs. Schmidt knew her daughter, this note, and the author, would become the feature focus of the party.
Mr. Schmidt, sensing doom, read the note over Mrs. Schmidt’s shoulder.
“It will be a lovely party!” he said, quaking in fear.
Aug 15, 2008 at 8:57 am rating: 90
#46
Red Letterboxer
It’s more fun if you read the note as if it was addressed to the baby.
Aug 15, 2008 at 9:02 am rating: 90
#47
Damn its cold
Have you ever been to Rochester, MN? How can the weather report be wrong? It’s gonna snow.
Aug 15, 2008 at 9:10 am rating: 90
#48
Goldie
I happen to know both sides, and here’s what really happened. Last winter, on his program, Mr. Schmidt promised eight inches within the next 24 hours. The anonymous note-writer waited… and waited… and the eight inches never came. She’s getting frustrated because hey, her time is running out. The woman is freakin 72! She says at this point, she can settle for six inches, or five even! Come on Mr. Schmidt, you can do it.
Aug 15, 2008 at 9:25 am rating: 90
#49
Paintball "Punk"
This PA note has only been surpassed in awesome by the commentary. I love this place!
Aug 15, 2008 at 9:35 am rating: 90
#50
GhostWriter
The Schmidts’ talk a good game, but we all know that the line, “No gifts necessary – your presence is present enough” wasn’t included in the original email…
Aug 15, 2008 at 9:37 am rating: 90
#51
Crinkle Crinkle
Pfft… I’m with the old fella.
If the sprat is turning one, how the fuck is she gonna “host” a party? Is she gonna top up peoples drinks and mingle? Is she gonna go around ‘coupling up’ the singles, and then make a speech after sandwiches?
No. She ain’t hosting shit.
Don’t be fooled by the grab for endearment either- the only reason “your presence is present enough” is because gifts for 1 year olds are either clothes that fit the kid for 3 weeks or worthless fucking trinkets.
Old angry Joe might be loco, but at least he’s not part of a Church “family”. Stepfords like these hide gimps in the basement.
Aug 15, 2008 at 9:38 am rating: 90
#52
ml
apparently he missed the part that said, “gifts aren’t necessary”…
Aug 15, 2008 at 10:13 am rating: 90
#53
agong
I see the note writer as an old scottish guy aka “willie the groundskeeper”, it looks like he may have been having a stroke .
Aug 15, 2008 at 10:23 am rating: 90
#54
agong
haha yes VERY grandpa !
Aug 15, 2008 at 10:36 am rating: 90
#55
quietplease
did jeffrey leave us? shhhhh….
(and now i can rest)
Aug 15, 2008 at 10:59 am rating: 90
#56
MW
Can you WASPS please quit naming your “princesses” Madeline?!? *blows head off*
Aug 15, 2008 at 11:56 am rating: 90
#57
aaa
So the Schmidts were expecting 20 to 30 people. I would’ve laughed my ass off if nobody RSVPed and all 200 people showed up. I would’ve laughed until I vomited my organs out if the reply-writer showed up and made a scene.
The party was a week ago. Anything exciting happen, Mr. and Mrs. Schmidt?
Aug 15, 2008 at 12:39 pm rating: 90
#58
Nikki
I can’t believe the nerve of these people! Wanting to feed me cake and cucumber sandwiches. Some people’s children.
Aug 15, 2008 at 2:24 pm rating: 90
#59
Lurker
I’m waiting for Madeleine
In front of the Schmidt’s backyard,
Every night at half past ten,
Madeleine, loves birthday cards!
I’m waiting for Madeleine
We’ll go down and Mom will make,
Some sammiches with cucumbers,
Madeleine loves birthday cake!
Aug 15, 2008 at 2:54 pm rating: 90
#60
ama
all they want to do is *bang bang bang bang* and *ka-ching* and take your monay….
ahhh get out of my head, you.
Aug 15, 2008 at 4:14 pm rating: 90
#61
Wisterya
He’s obviously very angry over the cucumber sandwiches… Obviously…
Aug 15, 2008 at 5:05 pm rating: 90
#62
Grade Ape
In Soviet Russia, every person within hearing range burdens you…
Shameless, but I’ve been dying to get one in!
Aug 15, 2008 at 8:32 pm rating: 90
#63
PandoraWombat
I really like the idea of combining PAN with lolspeak.
MY PSYCHOSIS
LET ME SHOW YOU IT
i can has restraining order?
Aug 15, 2008 at 9:49 pm rating: 90
#64
Amy
Ted enjoys the outdoors, traveling, volunteering at his church, watching his favorite sports teams, and of course spending time with his wife, Cara, their daughter Madeleine, and their dogs Kellie Collie and Lucy.
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BURDEN EVERYONE WHO VISITS THIS WEBSITE TO BUY DOG BISCUITS FOR YOUR STUPID DOGS. AND A CARD.
(Um, this was supposed to be a response to 28.)
Aug 16, 2008 at 1:00 am rating: 90
#65
Canthz_B
Using his daughter’s birthday party as a means of laundering weather protection money is just wrong. He should stop “terriozing” the community.
Aug 16, 2008 at 1:50 am rating: 90
#66
Bikerbabeee
Damn, I go on a little web leave and this place explodes in snarky awesomeness! I missed y’all!
Aug 16, 2008 at 1:58 am rating: 90
#67
Tuesday
I think I’m with the unabomber on this one. People that refer to their daughters as “little princess” makes me want to shove cucumbers in their …
ears.
Aug 16, 2008 at 9:20 am rating: 90
#68
Woman on the Verge
If I bring a gift, am I excused from eating the cucumber sandwiches?
I think the cucumber sandwiches were a way of making sure the party was small. Nobody eats those, do they?
Aug 16, 2008 at 9:58 am rating: 90
#69
Dennis
Listen, I have little but disdain for children and the people who produce them, but how on earth can you get that upset at a Minnesotan? If one tries to terrioze me into eating cucumber sandwiches for free, sure I’m upset, furious even, but once they throw in a “doncha know,” all is forgiven.
Aug 16, 2008 at 8:25 pm rating: 90
#70
turtled
I think there are two Minnesotan facts that explain the note-writer’s anger:
1. Any offer or request must be repeated 3 times. Because the email only said it once, to not bring gifts, it doesn’t count.
2. Lush gardens mean that produce has negative value in August. The polite thing would be to ask people to BRING cucumber or zucchini sandwiches to the party. Two slices of bread is a small price to pay for disposing of an excess cuke!
Aug 16, 2008 at 9:30 pm rating: 90
#71
Canthz_B
I think we all know which lady finger the note writer is giving to the Schmidts.
Aug 16, 2008 at 10:03 pm rating: 90
#72
Woman on the Verge
Cucumber sandwiches: Terrorism for beginners.
Aug 17, 2008 at 12:33 pm rating: 90
#73
just_me
ok, maybe someone mentioned this before, but i’m certain that this note writer would have written a similarly pissy p/a note had the Schmidts NOT sent out an open invitation. the writer would have been just livid about being excluded from their elite party for their litte princess.
Aug 17, 2008 at 10:55 pm rating: 90
#74
RP
Clearly the Schmidt family should be concerned that one of their congregation is completely barking mad and be more selective about whom they invite to their house in the future.
Aug 18, 2008 at 11:10 am rating: 90
#75
Joy McGreedy
What kind of mindless breeder idiots invite 200 people (non-relatives) to their child’s first birthday party?
Seriously?
Are you going to celebrate everything your Princess does this way?
I imagine you marked the milestone of her first solid bowel movement with a similar get together? Inviting all the townspeople within a 40 mile radius to celebrate with you?
I mean, ‘c’mon.
Officially TEAM GRUMPY OLD MAN LETTER WRITER.
Aug 18, 2008 at 4:46 pm rating: 90
#76
left foot
I’ve been known to send highly inappropriate gifts, instead of letters in the style of serial killer handwriting, to parties I don’t want to attend. I would suggest a vibrator or a coupon for birth control over a letter. It would be much more creepy.
Aug 19, 2008 at 10:53 am rating: 90
#77
The Grammarphile
The amount of misspelled words, homonym errors, and grammar snafus in that letter truly astounds me! I guess those who are passive-aggressive don’t typically give a damn about good grammar.
Aug 19, 2008 at 9:58 pm rating: 90
#78
misterpain
I have solved it.
Classic schizophrenia/split personality disorder stuff. Look for someone who sees this happy family every week, someone who can never have what the Scmidt’s have. Because he can’t… in fact, he’s NOT PERMITTED TO!
The complimentary embodiment, the publicly acceptable opposite/ mirror-image of this psycho’s personality is…
…the parish minister.
Father BATES!
Aug 21, 2008 at 12:13 am rating: 90
#79
Lolly
I HATE IT when people spell truly “truely”
Argh!
Aug 22, 2008 at 8:34 am rating: 90
#80
WOW!
Hi!
I have one question. Why would someone who sends out an email referring to her church as “family”, not keep this issue within her family? To post this on a message board with great detail is in poor taste. The post card sender might be onto something when he/she calls Mrs. Schmidt an Ass! If you have no clue as to who sent you the card, why lampoon your church? Could it be from some one else?
Aug 22, 2008 at 9:59 am rating: 90
#81 love is all around, no need to waste it
[...] related: cloudy with a chance of hate mail [...]
Dec 1, 2008 at 4:15 pm rating: 90
#82 a day in the life of a crank
[...] after you’ve already written your daily letters to the editor, your congressman and the local weatherman, and there’s still hours to go before the early bird buffet? well, you turn to the [...]
Apr 15, 2009 at 2:09 pm rating: 90
#83 There are crazy people out there, you know | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com
[...] Cloudy with a chance of hate mail [...]
Mar 26, 2010 at 6:02 am rating: 90
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