The PANtheistic approach

← Making time for the important things in life…like Facebook apps. The xenophobic toilet →

September 7th, 2008 · 86 comments

At Yale Divinity School, the daily chapel service is followed by a coffee hour. Apparently, says Sara in New Haven, “Some who skip chapel were helping themselves to the goodies before the intended time. Looks like the ‘keeper of the snacks’ has something to say about this.”

Meanwhile, John in Sudbury, Massachusetts spotted this humble plea outside the local Catholic church.

FILED UNDER: food · God · guilt trip · Massachusetts · New Haven

86 responses so far ↓

#1 Quite Contrary

The Holy Spirit. Al Gore. I get them mixed up all the time.

Sep 7, 2008 at 10:56 am rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #1.1 bean
  
  Al Gore would definitely have not used styrofoam plates. There’s the difference.
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 4:04 pm rating: 90
- #1.2 plastic not styrofoam
  
  Those plates are plastic not styrofoam. Ok, maybe not totally reusable… Oh wait– they were. At all the subsequent coffee hours.
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 4:49 pm rating: 90
- #1.3 Canthz_B
  
  Polyethylene is so much better than Polystyrene.
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 5:03 pm rating: 90
- #1.4 biteme
  
  please don’t make me throw up in my mouth!
  
  Sep 27, 2009 at 8:22 pm rating: 90
- #1.5 biteme
  
  this is the post I meant to reply to by saying : Please don’t make me throw up in my mouth!
  
  Sep 27, 2009 at 8:24 pm rating: 90
add to this thread
#2 HairySwede

Oh God… the Creator of passive-aggresiveness. And clearly a fan of His own work.

Sep 7, 2008 at 11:09 am rating: 90

reply to this comment
#3 Mishee

God is so full of Himself!

Sep 7, 2008 at 11:15 am rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #3.1 LS77
  
  Don’t make me walk on water and freak you out!
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 3:22 pm rating: 90
add to this thread
#4 gwennie

OMFG! God’s multiple personality disorder has advanced even further.
I mean, “Zeus version”? Hello?? Aren’t Jesus and the Holy Spirit enough?

Sep 7, 2008 at 11:17 am rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #4.1 Canthz_B
  
  Jupiter has filed a discrimination suit.
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 5:38 pm rating: 90
- #4.2 Miss Unloop
  
  God and Zeus are both suing for defamation of character as well.
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 6:01 pm rating: 90
- #4.3 jackie31337
  
  Wow, that note writer has been picking up my brainwaves again *adjusts tinfoil hat*. If anyone is curious, I would be happy to share my object-oriented views on religion. Although I maintain “Zeus instance” would be more correct than “Zeus version”.
  
  Sep 8, 2008 at 2:27 am rating: 90
add to this thread
#5 Mishee

I’m thinking the Zeus reference would be considered blasphemy…

But that’s just me… In my opinion there is only one Holy and Almighty God…

and His name is Claw.

Sep 7, 2008 at 11:20 am rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #5.1 Numinous
  
  … and he wields his mighty albino python.
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 2:07 pm rating: 90
- #5.2 bean
  
  I don’t know if the Zeus reference is blasphemy, but I think since he was the only deity whose name was actually capitalized that would be blasphemous.
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 4:03 pm rating: 90
- #5.3 Canthz_B
  
  I thing the reference to Zeus is more heresy, no?
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 4:28 pm rating: 90
- #5.4 Canthz_B
  
  “I thing…”?
  
  D’OH!!!
  
  “I think…”
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 4:42 pm rating: 90
- #5.5 kmd
  
  Nothing is blasphemous at Yale Divinity School. Trust me.
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 4:58 pm rating: 90
add to this thread
#6 momentaryennui

when i first read the second note i thought it read,
“don’t make me pull out my lightning balls.”

i’m not really all that familiar with the bible or anything, but whoa, it made realize what all the fuss about the “Tha Passion of the Christ” might have been about. i get it now.

Sep 7, 2008 at 11:30 am rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #6.1 Mishee
  
  Lightning Balls are a product of Pete Schwetty’s sister who married a man named Greg Lightning…
  
  It wouldn’t be Christmas without Schwetty Balls and Lightning Balls…
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 11:35 am rating: 90
- #6.2 Miss Unloop
  
  Mmmmm… good times. Yes.
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 8:47 pm rating: 90
- #6.3 Stephanie
  
  It’s Zeus God! Getting his lightning balls out is pretty much what he does.
  
  When not turning into a swan, bull, shower of gold, tree… in order to rape young women.
  So the message The Keeper Of The Snacks wants to convey is – Eat my snacks, get impregnated with godly babies? Ew!
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 9:20 pm rating: 90
- #6.4 Canthz_B
  
  God doesn’t pullout His balls for mere mortals. He prefers Immaculate Conception over Ejaculate Conception…something about paternity suits and plausible disability.
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 9:43 pm rating: 90
- #6.5 RandyinReno
  
  The golden shower is a kinky touch, even for Zeus.
  
  Sep 8, 2008 at 3:45 pm rating: 90
- #6.6 biteme
  
  I don’t think you do (get what all the fuss was about)
  
  Sep 27, 2009 at 8:26 pm rating: 90
add to this thread
#7 Ourhero

From stone tablets, to styrofoam plates…

You can tell it is really from god(s), from the
“don’t make me put my foot in your ass”
tone of the message.

Sep 7, 2008 at 11:49 am rating: 90

reply to this comment
#8 Ti O

Many Schnacky cake thieves know what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor.

- Gozer

Sep 7, 2008 at 12:47 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
#9 SchrodingersDuck

I think Zeus’s problem is that he’s all too willing to “pull out his lightning bolt” – just ask Leda, Mnemosyne and Themis.

Sep 7, 2008 at 1:03 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
#10 se

So, did the traffic cones walk away? woudn’t that be a miracle? So this person who put up that second sign is trying to thwart the will of god?

Sep 7, 2008 at 1:05 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #10.1 secondsout
  
  If it were really God, couldn’t he just miracle up some new traffic cones? I mean, he’s God, right?
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 2:20 pm rating: 90
add to this thread
#11 fantasy

Dear God,
Please, in the future will you not use the styrofoam plates? We all have to do our part in keeping the planet as pristine and beautiful as when you created it. “Think Green” is the new “11th Comandment.”
Thanks and Amen
……beautiful,pristine? oops, too late.

Sep 7, 2008 at 1:06 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
#12 Mishee

This is why I don’t listen to ANYTHING God tells me to do…

http://www.firstcoastnews.com/life/entertainment/news-article.aspx?storyid=118226

Sep 7, 2008 at 1:15 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #12.1 Sue Do Nim
  
  “He thought the message would be a loving way to remind teenagers that the Bible denounces homosexuality. ”
  
  Yeah. Liking a kiss=going to hell. That’s loving, alright.
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 1:27 pm rating: 90
- #12.2 secondsout
  
  To quote George Carlin, “why is it that crazy people who think they hear God, he always tells someone to kill somebody. Doesn’t that voice ever say, ‘Go take a shit on the salad bar at Wendy’s?’”
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 2:35 pm rating: 90
- #12.3 kmd
  
  That version of God is entirely incompatible with the version of God at the school in question.
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 4:59 pm rating: 90
add to this thread
#13 Canthz_B

Charity begins at home, not at this chapel.

Sep 7, 2008 at 1:42 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
#14 Canthz_B

God’s act has lost something over the years. Now he uses a Sharpee instead of the much more impressive Burning Bush!

Sep 7, 2008 at 1:45 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #14.1 secondsout
  
  Now it’s just RB’s mom who has the burning bush.
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 2:22 pm rating: 90
- #14.2 Miss Unloop
  
  Crikey, just what is she using those traffic cones for anyway?
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 5:55 pm rating: 90
add to this thread
#15 Canthz_B

Following the directions of a heretic is a sin, therefore, I’ll take whatever I like!

Sep 7, 2008 at 1:50 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
#16 Canthz_B

Thou shalt not steal—my traffic cones.

–GOD

Sep 7, 2008 at 1:54 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
#17 secondsout

The holy spirit is everywhere? Even in that pile of dog shit on my back patio?

Sep 7, 2008 at 2:23 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
#18 secondsout

Did you really have to explain to the Yale divinity school students that the Holy Spirit is supposedly everywhere?

Sep 7, 2008 at 2:30 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #18.1 anglophile
  
  Well, it’s not like it’s Harvard divinity school….
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 2:53 pm rating: 90
- #18.2 heyanglophile
  
  Right, Harvard Divinity School doesN’T have a daily chapel service with a coffee afterwards for students & faculty to hang out together
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 4:45 pm rating: 90
- #18.3 Canthz_B
  
  Ya kinda missed the poiNT, heyanglophile.
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 4:55 pm rating: 90
- #18.4 RandyinReno
  
  The Holy Spirit is actually everywhere BUT the Harvard Divinity School.
  
  Sep 8, 2008 at 3:53 pm rating: 90
add to this thread
#19 fantasy

We need them traffic cones to direct you damn sinners to confession! We get quite a crowd on Saturday mornings, askin’ forgiveness for all them Friday nights! Drinkin’ and fornicatin’,molesting all the little children, my God get in line.

……. “Priests to the right, everyone else go to the confessional to the left.”

Sep 7, 2008 at 2:32 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
#20 Stringyhair

Dear God,

Thanks for the donut. That was delish and without you it wouldn’t be so. You are so God-like.

Amen

Sep 7, 2008 at 2:35 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
#21 agirlie

Dear God-

Please water your lawn.

–The neighborhood

Sep 7, 2008 at 2:36 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
#22 Toopillow

Dear god, the holy spirit, and others affiliated with omnipotence and omnipresence,

please stop looking at me when I take a shower, you prevert.

Sep 7, 2008 at 2:58 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
#23 Canthz_B

The Holy Spirit had better not be within 180 feet of me.
I have gotten a restraining order!

Sep 7, 2008 at 3:07 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
#24 LS77

Dear Gawd,

You are so nosy! Can’t you wait until I visit you on Sunday?

Sep 7, 2008 at 3:26 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #24.1 kmd
  
  Ok this made me smile.
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 5:00 pm rating: 90
add to this thread
#25 Abe Froman

I guess all those years of preists molesting little boys has finally affected both god’s and the holy spirit’s ego, since they no longer capitalize their names.

Sep 7, 2008 at 3:36 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
#26 Wade

Their mistake was putting Bartleby and Loki in charge of the after-chapel snacks.

Sep 7, 2008 at 3:52 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
#27 bean

God,

If you are so almighty and omniscient, go find your traffic cones.

Sep 7, 2008 at 4:01 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #27.1 secondsout
  
  He probably turned the thief into a pillar of salt, then realized that the dude couldn’t bring back the cones after that was done.
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 4:44 pm rating: 90
add to this thread
#28 Sabrina

I wonder if God had realized yet that his name is being forged….

Sep 7, 2008 at 4:05 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #28.1 Canthz_B
  
  He’s cool with it, as long as they never get His Yahoo! password!
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 4:45 pm rating: 90
add to this thread
#29 fantasy

I thought God put everything on this earth that is good, it shall be food he said, he didn’t say “No snack or muffins?”

“So who is the smartass who thinks he’s God!”

Sep 7, 2008 at 4:43 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
#30 fantasy

God said to eat of everything in the Garden except from the one tree.

I figure since Eve already did the god awful,it is every man for himself.

What’s done is done!

Sep 7, 2008 at 4:47 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
#31 amazon

Hostess donuts? Prepacked muffins and bagels? God’s kind of a cheapskate…

Sep 7, 2008 at 4:49 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #31.1 kmd
  
  God used to supply Dunkin Donuts at the YDS coffee hour. But then there was much sturm und drang about how much those cost, and how many scholarships could be funded with that money etc etc. So … cheaper snacks.
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 5:02 pm rating: 90
- #31.2 Canthz_B
  
  It still beats a Communion wafer!
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 5:19 pm rating: 90
- #31.3 Miss Unloop
  
  I imagine the plates on which the notes were written probably taste a lot like a Communion wafer…
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 6:53 pm rating: 90
- #31.4 Quite Contrary
  
  The plates actually taste better.
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 7:03 pm rating: 90
add to this thread
#32 aaa

The Holy Spirit’s everywhere? So it’s watching me when I pee? The Holy Spirit’s a pervert.

Sep 7, 2008 at 5:38 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
#33 Miss Unloop

Couldn’t God reach more people through his Facebook?

12:47 am God is looking for the fucktard who keeps stealing the coffee goodies.

1:12 am God is pissed and wants the traffic cones returned ASAP.

2:20 am God is packing the Holy Spirit’s stuff and putting it in the Most Holy and Divine garage. Sick of the lying, cheating, and mythological blasphemy.

Sep 7, 2008 at 5:53 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #33.1 Toopillow
  
  HA! Now I’m wondering if someone has tried to do that on Facebook. If not, I think you have a very clever idea. Could get you about 13 minutes of fame if you do it right.
  
  Sep 8, 2008 at 5:45 pm rating: 90
add to this thread
#34 Luv This site

I thought they were kinda cute. I especially liked the “Zeus version” bit – clever!

Sep 7, 2008 at 6:36 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
#35 Miss Unloop

What the note writer doesn’t realize is that Zeus himself, under the guise of a chapel-skivving Yale Divinity student, ate the delicious and economical Hostess yummies.

Sep 7, 2008 at 6:57 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
#36 Amy

See, these don’t strike me as true PANs because they’re deliberately funny. Funny is good.

But maybe I’m just biased because I’m a minister.

Sep 7, 2008 at 7:04 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #36.1 Canthz_B
  
  Then you know all about using the Lord’s name in vain as in the sign in front of the church?
  
  Funny, huh?
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 9:14 pm rating: 90
- #36.2 aaa
  
  Of course you’re biased. You’re in league with the Holy Spirit and the Zeusy god and you’re not going to nark on your superiors. The Holy Spirit’s watching your every move and the second you show any signs of subversion it’s going to report back to Zeus-God, who, of course, will smite you with his lightning bolts. (Or lightning balls. Whichever has more smiting power.)
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 9:18 pm rating: 90
- #36.3 aaa
  
  P.S.
  http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/wtf
  
  “as dr. scott wetzler, a clinical psychologist and the author of living with the passive-aggressive man, observed: ‘a joke can be the most skillful passive-aggressive act there is.’”
  
  Sep 7, 2008 at 9:20 pm rating: 90
- #36.4 Amy
  
  Well, I’m a Unitarian Universalist, so anything making fun of the Zeus-y god is okay by me. And I love to see Catholics taking the Lord’s name in vain. Makes me feel we’re all really brethren/sistren under the skin. Or cassock, I was going to write, but I don’t really want to think about what’s under anyone’s cassock.
  
  OK, so why do I find the traffic-cone sign funny while finding the “Would Jesus steal someone else’s strawberry jam”-note-on-the-fridge routine infuriatingly p-a? Analyze that, someone.
  
  Sep 8, 2008 at 12:48 am rating: 90
- #36.5 VentureSister
  
  Well, I have too much time on my hands so I’ll give it a go.
  
  I feel as though the traffic cones request is a sincere plea. They just want the cones back and that’s it.
  
  However, I feel that the WWJD notes have WAY more P.A. subtext going on. Basically the note writer is condeming you and also suggesting that THEY would never do something against the will of the Lord and are therefore better than you. It’s just kind of inherently P.A., like you’re a small child who needs reminding.
  
  Maybe I’m biased. That kind of faux-pious shenanigan really ticks me off.
  
  Sep 8, 2008 at 4:39 am rating: 90
- #36.6 Amy
  
  Yeah, I think that’s it. The WWJD seems pious and the cones refreshingly irreverent.
  
  Sep 9, 2008 at 12:35 am rating: 90
add to this thread
#37 K.

The church sign makes me wish I got a photo of a local church’s sign one weekend:
“Every computer has a cursor
Welcome back, pastor!”

Sep 7, 2008 at 10:48 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
#38 JoelWhy

I used to live near a church that had a sign reading “No parking: Violators will be Baptized”.

Sep 9, 2008 at 7:28 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
#39 kate

OMG! I was in Sudbury ages ago and I SAW THAT SIGN! I thought it was SO funny!

Apr 21, 2009 at 9:53 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
#40 so much for that whole fasting thing…

[...] related: the PANtheistic approach [...]

Sep 27, 2009 at 8:02 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
#41 No donuts for you! | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

[...] The PANtheistic approach [...]

Jun 19, 2010 at 5:57 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
#42 Sage

Those…..traffic cones…..were….fuckin…….delicious!!!

Dec 19, 2010 at 1:47 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment