What to do after you’ve already written your daily letters to the editor, congressman and the local weatherman and you’ve still got hours to go before the early bird buffet? Well, you turn to the classifieds!
related: Cloudy with a chance of hate mail
174 responses so far ↓
#1
Mishee™
And why, praytell, must I wear earplugs?
I only get swimmer’s ear when I go in the pool!
Apr 15, 2009 at 2:10 pm rating: 90
#2
Mishee™
This was the letter written right before the one posted: I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals, who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive.
Apr 15, 2009 at 2:13 pm rating: 90
#3
anglophile
Early birds pay double!
Apr 15, 2009 at 2:15 pm rating: 90
#4
phil
‘wear earplugs’
sounds like an ominous threat to me…
Apr 15, 2009 at 2:16 pm rating: 90
#5
aaa
Because there’s such a huge damn difference between an ad in the paper saying “no early birds” and a sign saying “no early birds”? Or do they not want them to put out a sign until the exact second they’re ready to have the garage sale? Although in my experience, the second it looks like you’re selling shit, old people will come and buy a shit ton of your crappy, unwanted stuff for their grandchildren.
Apr 15, 2009 at 2:18 pm rating: 90
#6
Mishee™
I guess the question on everyone’s mind is…
Who in the hell still advertises in a newspaper??
I thought all the newspapers were going out of business anyways…
Apr 15, 2009 at 2:18 pm rating: 90
#7
marlo
ITAWTOP. Obvi totes awkw abbreves!
Apr 15, 2009 at 2:19 pm rating: 90
#8
aaa
This is why we need a Resident Graphologist. I’m sure they’d be able to tell us something more insightful and in-depth about the letter-writer than “This dude’s a fucking nutter.”
Apr 15, 2009 at 2:26 pm rating: 90
#9
C
The LW is so cocky, just because he got a Ph.D in Selling Used Shit from UPenn.
Apr 15, 2009 at 2:30 pm rating: 90
#10
Melissa
I’d be bitter and cranky too if my name was Wear Earplugs.
Apr 15, 2009 at 2:38 pm rating: 90
#11
unholyghost2003
dollars to doughnuts old dude read the ad and showed up at the butt crack of dawn to get “the good stuff” and was then turned away as being too early.
Apr 15, 2009 at 2:44 pm rating: 90
#12
ClearlyDemented
I’m having a hard time believing this note came in the mail, since it has no creases in it.
But given that, this is possibly the best note ever. I especially like how the note writer doesn’t have the time to write out advertise.
Apr 15, 2009 at 2:45 pm rating: 90
#13
Wade
“They’ll come… but later.”
Maybe the person putting out the signs is a desperate housewife.
Apr 15, 2009 at 2:47 pm rating: 90
#14
lightspeed
How could you possibly respond to the old person’s haggling efforts over the $0.50 sweater if you are wearing earplugs?
Come to think of it…
Apr 15, 2009 at 2:58 pm rating: 90
#15
Andy
Dear Weav Earplugs:
I’ll advertise where ever the fuck I want.
- G.S. Persons
PS. What the hell kind of a name is Weav Earplugs?!
Apr 15, 2009 at 3:11 pm rating: 90
#16
kt
i wonder what this “eavly bird” is…perhaps she is afriad they will come in the evening.
Apr 15, 2009 at 3:25 pm rating: 90
#17
cTo
God i love the random underlining. the random emphasis, its like William Shatner is dictating the letter.
Apr 15, 2009 at 3:34 pm rating: 90
#18
The Riel One
Funny. I thought Lou Dobbs’ day job kept him too busy to do crap like this….
Apr 15, 2009 at 3:39 pm rating: 90
#19
QuarterRoy00
What are these “newspapers” you speak of?
Apr 15, 2009 at 3:40 pm rating: 90
#20
GhostWriter
The final clue is, “They’ll come- but later, wear earplugs.”
It’s not a Garage Sale, it’s a Garage Band!
Apr 15, 2009 at 4:37 pm rating: 90
#21
secondsout
I haven’t been to a garage sale in my entire life, but I almost want to stage one as a social experiment. I want to see what sort of person shows up at a garage sale at 5am to make sure you get the good junk before the other 5am losers. I would guess it to be even weirder than spending a half hour at the DMV.
Apr 15, 2009 at 5:20 pm rating: 90
#22
Jall-apeno
Well, in the lore of professional garage sale trawlers, “Early birds” or “Earlies”, as Grammy used to say, referred not to people who showed up early, but rather the distasteful types that proper white folk just didn’t want showing up. In Grammy’s day, she and her ilk used to hate the Greeks showing up and touching everything with their shiny, olive oil-infused fingers, and filling the air with the scent of roasted lamb and hummus. At the same time these were the people digging their ditches and shoveling their coal so they didn’t want to offend them directly. Since they always showed up before going to their laborious day jobs, Grammy and her friends nicknamed them “earlies”.
Fast forward and I think that this note was written by one of the few remaining pro garage sale trawlers left in America, one who is clearly confused by the use of the term ‘early bird’. To this person, and since it is Texas, an “early bird” is clearly a smelly, illegal Mexican and NOT someone who shows up to get dibs on the good stuff. No, to this writer it is crazy to place an add in the paper letting the “earlies” know about the sale and then in the same add say “no earlies”.
The note writer knows that by just using signs, those backwards “earlies” will have a tough time finding the sale whereas the rich white folks’ll find it quicker than quick in their fancy cars. But beware, the note writer hints, when the “earlies” do finally get there they will be angry and they will make a lot of noise – braying donkeys, oversized guitars playing God knows what, etc – so the recommendation to “wear earplugs” while terse, was actually a nice gesture.
Apr 15, 2009 at 7:35 pm rating: 90
#23
Canthz_B
Retired sign-painters are an ornery lot.
Apr 15, 2009 at 9:50 pm rating: 90
#24
Jenn
Regarding the mysterious “wear earplugs” ending to the note — here’s my theory. The author is trying to become famous like the columnist who wrote “wear sunscreen” (remember it got turned into a song?), so he’s adding it to the end of all his correspondences, hoping it’ll catch on.
Wear condoms.
Apr 15, 2009 at 11:12 pm rating: 90
#25
Canthz_B
I didn’t know they did hair plugs using “weav”s now.
That must be what they mean by “blended technologies”.
I suppose that’s what I’ve been seeing in the ears of older Gents.
It must be all the rage…and here I thought all along that it was just a gross byproduct of aging!
Apr 16, 2009 at 1:33 am rating: 90
#26
Julie
My mother must be the only person who posted hours of operation in her annual garage sale ads. It is easier to say “10-6″ than to say “no early birds” which for many people probably translates in their minds to “I HATE OLD PEOPLE”.
Apr 16, 2009 at 9:42 am rating: 90
#27
claw71
And the sign said yard sale freaky people need to wait ’til nine
so I walked right past and looked at their stuff and listened to them whine
They said you can’t shop this early, what’s wrong with you
So I kicked their dog and said yeah take that, you fat lazy jew!
Whoa..Signs signs yard sale signs,
Selling junky furniture,
and dusty window blinds
A dime for this and buck for that
can’t you read the sign?
The sign said garage sale friday, please come on by
so I rented a truck and backed up to the house much to their delight
I took out a saw and sledge hammer, that drew their chagrin
I want your garage, put it on the truck. I don’t want to be late for dinner.
Signs signs, stupid sale signs
making false promises, telling silly lies
Buy this, don’t touch that
can’t you read the signs?
And the sign said you can buy these baseball cards if the price is right. HUH!
The sign said church chinese auction come in and buy crap today
But they didn’t have chinks in the banquet hall so I didn’t spend my money that day
But I picked up a pen and a paper and I made up my own little sign
I said don’t buy ads in the weekly. Just put up a cheap little sign.
Apr 16, 2009 at 10:31 am rating: 90
#28
bald outing
lol sounds like that guy is a bitter bitter early bird.
Apr 16, 2009 at 11:15 am rating: 90
#29
Sam
unfortunately, though, that’s not always good.
my boyfriend always cums – but later.
Apr 16, 2009 at 12:29 pm rating: 90
#30
Eric
I just can’t figure out what “eavly bivds” are. Then again I don’t advevt. in Chvonicle
weav earpluqs -
Apr 16, 2009 at 1:50 pm rating: 90
#31
Nicole
I wish I could plot, on a graph, the relevance to the original post of all comments, from first posted to last posted, with little notations about when it dissolves into “your relative __ is doing __ to your relative __” and “let me share with you, internet strangers, details about my intimate life, both shared and solo.” There’d be so many interesting spikes where people come in belatedly and attempt to make some comment relevant to the post.
I’m not complaining. Probably 85% of the reason I come to this site is to read the comments, in all their irrelevant, facepalm-inducing glory.
EDIT: Had to use the edit feature for once! Probably missed something anyway, o wells.
Apr 16, 2009 at 4:29 pm rating: 90
#32
Miranda
The commas are crying out in pain from their horrible overusage! Why would you put a comma there? Why?
Apr 20, 2009 at 4:47 pm rating: 90
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