The existential crisis of a water fountain

← The patron(izing) saint of roommates Is this a thing now? →

September 2nd, 2009 · 89 comments

This little water fountain with big dreams was spotted by Elizabeth in an Indianapolis college dorm. The illegible signature is a nice touch, no?

related: I eat dirty plates

FILED UNDER: all clogged up · anthropomorphism · college life · Indianapolis

89 responses so far ↓

#1 César

FIRST

Sep 2, 2009 at 8:44 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #1.1 fantasy
  
  …..well, too bad you just lost the race.
  
  Sep 2, 2009 at 8:55 pm rating: 90
- #1.2 What hath AOL wrought
  
  I wish there was a thumbs down button.
  
  Sep 2, 2009 at 9:21 pm rating: 90
- #1.3 Wade
  
  Why people write “First” in the comments.
  
  Sep 2, 2009 at 9:39 pm rating: 90
- #1.4 Canthz_B
  
  Who let Captain Obvious out?
  
  Sep 2, 2009 at 9:45 pm rating: 90
- #1.5 C.S. Harmonikah
  
  There should be a certain amount of torture that can be legally allowed/required for d-bags that comment “first”.
  
  Sep 2, 2009 at 9:57 pm rating: 90
- #1.6 C.S. Harmonikah
  
  also mandatory castration.
  we must quarantine the stupid.
  
  Sep 2, 2009 at 9:58 pm rating: 90
- #1.7 Canthz_B
  
  We can get Snippy to do that part! Snip, snip!
  
  Sep 2, 2009 at 10:08 pm rating: 90
- #1.8 Neeners
  
  In the immortal words of Happy Gilmore:
  “Green jacket, gold jacket, Who gives a shit?”
  
  “First, Second, Who gives a shit?”
  
  Sep 2, 2009 at 11:33 pm rating: 90
- #1.9 Meesh
  
  “You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?!”
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 7:59 am rating: 90
- #1.10 D Smith
  
  Ha ha!
  
  “FIRST”
  
  That was a great post! I like it. Thumbs up! Ha ha!
  
  Best regards
  D Smith
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 11:13 am rating: 90
- #1.11 Snippy
  
  Whoa, CB, leave me outta this.
  
  Besides, it’s impossible to castrate someone who has no balls.
  
  I prefer to think of César as someone into FISTing, a practice where his lack of testicles is undoubtedly convenient.
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 12:28 pm rating: 90
- #1.12 TheOldSchool
  
  Snippy,
  
  In the wee hours of the morning, when my subconscious mind is gradually asserting its control and having its way with me, I, too, often lay in bed wondering what Cesar is like.
  
  I picture him as having a jaunty disregard for society’s niceties and protocols. He’s abrupt and somewhat ungainly in social situations, but if others only had the time and the patience it takes to get to know him, their discovery would be akin that of when one is laying in a mummy bag, on a barren hill, as bored as one can possibly be on a cold, dull, cloudy night — when suddenly, the wind picks up, the clouds are pried apart, and the miraculous wonder of the milky way galaxy unfurls itself before you.
  
  That’s when I realize that the drugs clearly haven’t worn off yet.
  
  Cesar? That guy that posted first yesterday at PAN?
  
  All I know about him is what I heard. No nutsack. Into fisting.
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 10:03 pm rating: 90
- #1.13 Seanette
  
  @Wade, makes sense to me. I’ve never seen anyone who cared about something as trivial as being “first” on a thread have anything worthwhile to say to begin with.
  
  Sep 5, 2009 at 12:07 pm rating: 90
- #1.14 MAMARILLA2
  
  I’m thinking that he has an oversized vehicle or a red low slung sporty job…Maybe a really big pistol locked away in his closet, and talks about his yearly income like it lives and breathes.
  
  Sep 5, 2009 at 12:18 pm rating: 90
- #1.15 TheOldSchool
  
  I was thinking the same thing mamarilla2.
  
  He’s the type whopampers the hell out of his precious little y.i..
  
  Hell, he probably even takes it to a snooty, overpriced currency salon for frou-frou stylings, instead of laundering it himself like the rest of us do.
  
  Prissy creeps like him make me ejaculate in my mouth a little.
  
  Sep 5, 2009 at 10:43 pm rating: 90
add to this thread
#2 Quite Contrary

Well, whoever the creative writing 101 student is who jotted down this missive…their grammar sucks!

Sep 2, 2009 at 8:58 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #2.1 TheOldSchool
  
  Did everyone notice how Kerry, in the first sentence of her intro, delicately tip-toed around the subject of precisely describing the specific nature of the fountain’s dreams?
  
  There’s no need to coddle us, Kerry. We can handle the truth.
  
  We understand that this fountain’s dreams may have been big, but they certainly weren’t DRY.
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 1:01 am rating: 90
- #2.2 Maas
  
  Quite Contrary, you’re criticizing a water fountain’s grammar?
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 11:52 am rating: 90
- #2.3 Snippy
  
  QC is just spouting off.
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 12:29 pm rating: 90
- #2.4 MAMARILLA2
  
  QC is just a little wet behind the ears.
  
  Sep 4, 2009 at 8:59 am rating: 90
- #2.5 Quite Contrary
  
  QC hears all of you and acknowledges you all bring up good points.
  
  Sep 4, 2009 at 11:14 pm rating: 90
add to this thread
#3 Kelly

Water fountains in college dorms are fucking disgusting. I’m on Team The-Little-Fountain-Who-Could.

Sep 2, 2009 at 9:03 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #3.1 Beanster
  
  i have my own team.
  
  Sep 2, 2009 at 9:12 pm rating: 90
- #3.2 This one time, in my old dorm....
  
  Yeah, I was thinking that they forgot to put “urinal” on the list of things the fountain shouldn’t be substituted for. Also, you’d think that people wouldn’t have to be told to not wash blood off in a drinking fountain, but you’d be wrong.
  
  Sep 2, 2009 at 9:23 pm rating: 90
- #3.3 AuntyBron
  
  I sense an object lesson, This. Dish, hon.
  
  Sep 2, 2009 at 11:57 pm rating: 90
- #3.4 pony girl
  
  I saw a homeless woman washing her dirty panties in a drinking fountain in the hospital where I used to work.
  The fountain was 3 inches from the door to the bathroom. Why she chose to do that right there in front of everyone in the admitting department in a drinking fountain instead of the bathroom sink, I do not know.
  
  Do I really need to mention that I go nowhere near drinking fountains anymore?
  
  Oct 11, 2009 at 4:06 pm rating: 90
add to this thread
#4 situational lefty

Maybe your MOMMA should have told you that you’d be more marketable in your job if you multi-tasked. MOMMA wasn’t a very good career guidance counselor.

Sep 2, 2009 at 9:04 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #4.1 C.S. Harmonikah
  
  at first i thought the all-caps was a acronym.
  The MoMA gave them career advice? How postmodern
  
  Sep 2, 2009 at 10:01 pm rating: 90
- #4.2 Canthz_B
  
  Museum of Modern Mechanical Asspandas?
  
  Sep 2, 2009 at 10:10 pm rating: 90
add to this thread
#5 The Grammarphile

I also dreamed that I could be 4) a punctuationally-challenged windbag. Look, MOMMA–that dream came true!

Sep 2, 2009 at 9:04 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #5.1 Meh
  
  Thumbs up for the grammar zealot using a hyphen unecessarily!
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 3:45 pm rating: 90
add to this thread
#6 Wade

I thought water fountains aspired to be chewed gum repositories.

Sep 2, 2009 at 9:41 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #6.1 AuntyBron
  
  No, Wade – that’s all they’re qualified for.
  
  Sep 2, 2009 at 11:58 pm rating: 90
add to this thread
#7 Canthz_B

Such little ambition. You’d think a little water fountain would aspire to be the great fountain in front of a Las Vegas casino or something, but no…this poor little fountain’s dreams never made it past the kitchen.

Sep 2, 2009 at 9:42 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #7.1 Car RamRod
  
  Well at least he didn’t end up as a bidet for some rich guy who likes to eat a lot of curry.
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 11:40 am rating: 90
add to this thread
#8 aaa

Don’t anthropomorphize inanimate objects. They don’t like it.

Sep 2, 2009 at 9:49 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #8.1 TheOldSchool
  
  That said, does anyone have any real proof that this letter was actually written by the water fountain?
  
  I’m thinking that, perhaps, a human could have actually written it.
  
  Maybe I should surreptitiously video it with a low-cost, high-quality digital camera.
  
  I’ll need a couple of volunteers. (It’s 24/7, and I can’t do it alone.)
  
  And I’ll need someone to buy (or steal) me a low-cost, high-quality digital camera.
  
  Sep 2, 2009 at 10:57 pm rating: 90
- #8.2 TheOldSchool
  
  Note to Kerry, re: “the illegible signature.”
  
  I’ve seen worse human signatures. (True fact.)
  
  So, maybe we should ALL take a long, deep slurp of fountain water, and then promise ourselves that in the future we’ll try extra hard to refrain from making instantaneous assessments.
  
  Sep 2, 2009 at 11:03 pm rating: 90
- #8.3 Kelly
  
  TOS, I love you. And not in any platonic way, either. I don’t know if you are male, female, or a water fountain — but it doesn’t even matter. I love you dearly.
  
  Sep 2, 2009 at 11:31 pm rating: 90
- #8.4 TheOldSchool
  
  I’ll bet you say that to al the founrains.
  
  Kelly, that’s nice of you to say (unless you’re being facetious).
  
  It sure would suck to go down on history having your name eponymous with being “a friend without benefits.”
  
  Plato … he must have been one sad bastard.
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 12:45 am rating: 90
- #8.5 Analogeyser
  
  Hey, TOS, you could hide the camera in one of those fake plastic deer that are available since they busted The Green Tomato.
  
  And I think Lorelei made off with one of Carmen’s digicams when she stormed out.
  
  Sep 20, 2009 at 12:35 am rating: 90
add to this thread
#9 Canthz_B

Clearly not a Dutch water fountain.
They love clogs!

Sep 2, 2009 at 10:01 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #9.1 mamason
  
  And tulips!
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 5:09 pm rating: 90
- #9.2 Sue Do Nim
  
  And ollie bolen!
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 5:52 pm rating: 90
add to this thread
#10 jadefirefly

I love that someone went to the trouble of signing the note before laminating it up on the wall. In third-grade quality handwriting, too.

Ah, water fountains. You try -so hard- to be like the rest of us! *sniff*

Sep 2, 2009 at 10:21 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
#11 TheOldSchool

Dearest Water Fountain,

“Users.”

Is that how you view me?

I know I haven’t been spending enough time with you, but … you know me … I’m … busy.

Quite busy.

You can call me a user, but, if you don’t mind, I’ll continue to think of myself as “one of your gentleman clients, who occasionally feels that special urge to satisfy one of my most primal physical needs by availing myself to the succulent delights that nature has so blessedly bestowed within your sleek, pleasure-packed, young, hard-body. ”

I love playing with your little button, making you wet, and then savoring your sweet essence.

Then I stride on down that old hall, feeling that familiar sense of satiated contentment.

A quick right turn leads me straight into the men’s room, where I urinate all over one of your shiny-faced white neighbors.

I don’t even want to know what he and his pals call me.

Sep 2, 2009 at 10:43 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #11.1 Canthz_B
  
  Well done, TOS, but I’m pretty sure the members of the Porcelain Posse call you a real Pisser!
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 1:24 am rating: 90
- #11.2 JetJackson
  
  Do you think the porcelain posse are aware of the cause and effect relationship they have with the water fountain?
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 5:51 pm rating: 90
- #11.3 Snippy
  
  Yes, there are ripples.
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 7:20 pm rating: 90
add to this thread
#12 bowloftoast

I can’t help but wonder if the young lady who wrote this note is channelling the fountain as a means to express her own self-loathing.

Her MOMMA told her how many great things she could accomplish, but on arriving at University she found herself being used for dishes, food clean-up, as well as frequently getting clogged up with viscous white residue.

I propose there is no fountain, only shame.

Sep 2, 2009 at 11:08 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #12.1 Car RamRod
  
  She aspired to be a doctor, but ended up merely a cum dumpster.
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 11:46 am rating: 90
add to this thread
#13 Neeners

Wow! It’s another lost version of a Horatio Alger Jr. rags to riches story only in reverse.

Only in America could one water fountain aspire to greatness and then decide to stay a nobody due to lack of motivation!

I would call this tale “The Little Water Fountain That Couldn’t”

Sep 2, 2009 at 11:38 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #13.1 TheOldSchool
  
  How much loot did the young fountain squander?
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 12:49 am rating: 90
- #13.2 Canthz_B
  
  Every wished penny of it, but there were only three coins!
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 1:00 am rating: 90
- #13.3 Snippy
  
  Nicely done, CB, although I suspect most of the other PAN visitors are probably too young to have heard of the film, so your reference will be lost on them. {sigh}
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 3:49 pm rating: 90
- #13.4 Meh
  
  When you were writing that, some youngster trampled your lawn, Snippy.
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 4:49 pm rating: 90
- #13.5 Snippy
  
  “Smithers, release the hounds!”
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 7:19 pm rating: 90
- #13.6 Analogeyser
  
  TOS and CB, consider…
  
  If she were Jewish, the squandered might have been The Three Cohens…
  
  And if anyone put out stogies in her…
  They were probably (Allan) Shermans’
  
  Sep 20, 2009 at 12:48 am rating: 90
add to this thread
#14 Canthz_B

You know, your signature will always smudge if you sign it with a wet spigot.

Sep 3, 2009 at 12:57 am rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #14.1 Beanster
  
  +10 beanster points to CB for the R Mutt/Duchamp reference.
  -10 beanster points if you were just referring to the illegible signature on the note.
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 7:50 am rating: 90
- #14.2 Analogeyser
  
  +10 Analogy points if it referred to the One Legged Tarzan sketch by Peter Cook/Dudley Moore
  
  Sep 20, 2009 at 12:52 am rating: 90
add to this thread
#15 Canthz_B

If a water fountain clogs in a dorm, and there’s no one there to clear it, does it pitch a bitch?

Sep 3, 2009 at 1:06 am rating: 90

reply to this comment
#16 itdb

Aw, but why can’t it be a dried toothpaste holder AND a dishwasher AND a garbage disposal AND a water fountain? The writer of this note is just pigeon holing the poor thing and denying it its full potential. If I was it, I’d go to my trade union.

Fight the status quo!!

Sep 3, 2009 at 2:58 am rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #16.1 H2IK
  
  AND if it dispensed beer, morning after pills and cleared the air of weed smoke, it would be the only appliance a dorm would need!
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 10:56 am rating: 90
add to this thread
#17 john

i guess we’re assuming this is directed at college students. when was the last time a college student obeyed any rule of any kind? remember your audience! if i was in college again and i was walking around with a bowl of cereal (cap’n crunch) and saw that sign – guess where i would dump my cereal.

Sep 3, 2009 at 6:46 am rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #17.1 Snippy
  
  Probably in the trash with the uppercase letters you discard.
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 12:35 pm rating: 90
add to this thread
#18 Ashley

I definitely used the water fountain in my dorm to brush my teeth. It was just so much closer to my room than the bathroom. But I also always made sure I washed down all of the spit out toothpaste

Sep 3, 2009 at 7:55 am rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #18.1 Snippy
  
  “I definitely used the water fountain in my dorm to brush my teeth.”
  
  Ouch! Y’know, you could buy an actual toothbrush.
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 4:05 pm rating: 90
- #18.2 Mark
  
  But if you buy a toothbrush, then all the fecal mist will be drawn right to it!
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 4:07 pm rating: 90
add to this thread
#19 QuarterRoy00

I think the water fountain’s ultimate dream was to become a bidet. Same concept of delivering cool water to parched students….just a different hole…

Sep 3, 2009 at 8:05 am rating: 90

reply to this comment
#20 isa

44th!! lmao lmao lmao!

Sep 3, 2009 at 8:33 am rating: 90

reply to this comment
#21 Wil

45th!? That water fountain sucks.

Wil Harrison.com

Sep 3, 2009 at 8:50 am rating: 90

reply to this comment
#22 Junebug

I don’t need to hear all about his wet dreams…

Sep 3, 2009 at 10:07 am rating: 90

reply to this comment
#23 Beth

We don’t have an anthropomorphized water fountain where I work, but there is a sign above it:

DO NOT HAWK LOOGIES IN THE FOUNTAIN

… Amen.

Sep 3, 2009 at 10:25 am rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #23.1 Meh
  
  DO NOT PAWN YOUR MUCUS IN THE WATER FOUNTAIN
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 4:56 pm rating: 90
add to this thread
#24 T.U.M.

Man, is there anybody in college who isn’t a complete asshole?

I never know who to root for in these dorm dramas. The people writing the notes are assholes, and the people who drove them to it are assholes.

Sometimes I think we’d be better off installing some kind of military-style barracks instead.

Sep 3, 2009 at 11:43 am rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #24.1 Meh
  
  Don’t look now, T.U.M, but guess where all the doctors, lawyers, engineers, teachers, and most of the middle class came from. I suppose we’re all assholes.
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 5:01 pm rating: 90
- #24.2 aaa
  
  But they’re not in college currently. A lot of people are complete douche bags when they’re young and usually shape the fuck up by the time they graduate. Usually.
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 7:32 pm rating: 90
add to this thread
#25 TheOldSchool

“I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with refrigerated water, lead- free piping, and infused anti-microbial pliable polyester elastometers (to prevent accidental mouth injuries) has intended us to forgo their use.”

Galileo Galilei

Sep 3, 2009 at 11:44 am rating: 90

reply to this comment
#26 Queen of the World

The signature is not illegible – it is signed by “The Stressed Stuffed-Up Water Fountain”.

Sep 3, 2009 at 12:26 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #26.1 Snippy
  
  …using a fountain pen.
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 12:38 pm rating: 90
add to this thread
#27 BrookeDiz

All I can say is, “GULP!”

Sep 3, 2009 at 2:03 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #27.1 Snippy
  
  So… you swallow, eh?
  
  Sep 3, 2009 at 3:22 pm rating: 90
add to this thread
#28 tiggy

that’s not an illegible signature – i think it says

I’m Sorry i messed up the fountain.

Sep 3, 2009 at 2:45 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
#29 Serious Replies Only

Now that was funny.

Sep 3, 2009 at 6:58 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
- #29.1 Snippy
  
  Yeah, but earlier, it wasn’t.
  
  Sep 4, 2009 at 12:49 pm rating: 90
add to this thread
#30 aaa

I got an ad for the Mormon chat thing on here, right under Kerry’s Favorites. I must say, that’s the most random ad I’ve gotten here aside from the furry convention one.

Sep 3, 2009 at 7:50 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment
#31 Ceci n’est pas une porte | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

[...] related: The existential crisis of a water fountain [...]

Sep 26, 2011 at 4:58 pm rating: 90

reply to this comment