With Halloween upon us, it’s not just uprooted flowers that are breaking the hearts of 4-year-olds around the world. Now entire families (of pumpkins) are being destroyed!
Once again, this compulsive over-sharing seems to be a uniquely American phenomenon. As Archie in Brighton witnessed, the Brits manage to get straight to the bloody point.
related: People suck. (A valuable lesson for any four-year-old)
128 responses so far ↓
#1
Woman on the Verge
To note writer #1: Put your fucking pumpkins inside.
Oct 28, 2010 at 2:37 pm rating: 90
#2
tinkerjenn
….poor children.
…but the pumpkins were fucking delicious.
Oct 28, 2010 at 2:39 pm rating: 90
#3
[email protected]
Her pumpkin busted in the street? Is that a euphemism? If so, I agree only a sicko would do that to a four year old.
(Good god, I really am [email protected] today. And yes, ‘god’ is lower case on purpose. I’m not referring to the Christian one.)
Oct 28, 2010 at 2:42 pm rating: 90
#4
TrainReq
The first one actually makes me feel bad for stealing all the pumpkins I have in my days.
Oct 28, 2010 at 2:47 pm rating: 90
#5
Hawley
Ma’am, the pumpkin only represented your child. Your real daughter is probably safely inside the house watching Teen Mom.
…but for realz, I’d be pissed, too. Whether I’d be pissed enough to write a randomly-capitalized letter on what appears to be butcher paper, I can’t say.
Oct 28, 2010 at 2:55 pm rating: 90
#6
Canthz_B
When I carve up a family, I don’t usually tell anyone about it.
Oct 28, 2010 at 2:59 pm rating: 90
#7
Canthz_B
Times are indeed hard when an entire patch yields but one pumpkin.
Oct 28, 2010 at 3:01 pm rating: 90
#8
zenvelo
Why does the second note writer call the person who stole his kids “pumpkin”? are they friends? or is that just one of those Brit nicknames?
Oct 28, 2010 at 3:03 pm rating: 90
#9
[email protected]
Whoever stole our kid’s pumpkin we hope it chokes you, Sarah, Kevin, and the children.
Man, talk about vindictive.
Oct 28, 2010 at 3:04 pm rating: 90
#10
Canthz_B
The second message was certainly posted in the right place.
Everyone knows poets are notorious pumpkin snatchers. They hate them because it’s so hard to rhyme “orange”, and pumpkins seem to mock them.
Oct 28, 2010 at 3:24 pm rating: 90
#11
Nightfire
@Note Writer 2: So you are admitting to utilizing child labor to mass produce pumpkins.
Oct 28, 2010 at 4:03 pm rating: 90
#12
shwonline
Notewriter 1: They did not steal your pumpkin. They moved it to the street and deconstructed it. Damn performance artists.
Oct 28, 2010 at 4:22 pm rating: 90
#13
Mo®
They took her twin sister Joy too?
The ANIMALS!
Oct 28, 2010 at 4:41 pm rating: 90
#14
berge
“We hope it chokes you”
Anyone else picturing an evil little pumpkin with arms and legs strangling the thief?
Oct 28, 2010 at 4:47 pm rating: 90
#15
Odious
Does #1 seriously think the teens are going to return to this doorstep just in case there’s a note to read?
Oct 28, 2010 at 5:38 pm rating: 90
#16
Victoria
I feel for these people. Last year our pumpkins were stolen from our allotment, and it still hurts.
I felt like distributing PANs around the area.
Oct 28, 2010 at 5:56 pm rating: 90
#17
cuffed
I think they have a point. And all of you previous and subsequent posters who’ll tell me I shouldn’t be in the wrong part of town at 4 A.M. in a skimpy dress and I’m asking for it are invited to stand that evidence up in court. You guys are part of the problem. Please feel free to post this on passive aggressive notes as an example of how the passive aggressive notes comment crowd miss out the passive and just turn everything to an ‘asked and received’ situation.
Oct 28, 2010 at 5:58 pm rating: 90
#18
Canthz_B
Would an Amber Alert be appropriate for a missing little nearly-ripe pumpkin?
You’d think so, but the police refused to issue one.
Cops can be so insensitive to the needs of the nonhuman.
Oct 28, 2010 at 6:40 pm rating: 90
#19
thrall
Melondrama…
Oct 28, 2010 at 7:06 pm rating: 90
#20
se
Free the pumpkin!!!
Oct 28, 2010 at 8:15 pm rating: 90
#21
Canthz_B
Generalissimo Francisco Pumpkin is still dead!
Oct 28, 2010 at 8:22 pm rating: 90
#22
KG
People who smash pumpkins they find on doorsteps are fucking douchebags, simply put. They’re not making innocent mischief. Adults typically don’t carve pumpkins and decorate with them for the hell of it – it’s usually because they have a child who enjoys Halloween. So no – stealing a child’s pumpkin and smashing it because you’re a screwed up little hoodlum isn’t cool. It’s stupid. “Oooh yay hahaha I just caused a total stranger undeserved sadness ahaha I’m so awesome!” Lame. And people who take the “well don’t leave your pumpkins out” route can suck a fat one. I hope some teenager randomly decides to smash your car windows in with a bat “just for fun”. Guess that’s what you get for owning a car, huh?
Oct 28, 2010 at 9:12 pm rating: 90
#23
aaa
Note Writer #1, you have more serious problems than people vandalizing your Halloween decorations if your happiness depends on your squash being intact.
Oct 28, 2010 at 10:26 pm rating: 90
#24
Madrias
Simple answer: pumpkins are the perfect target for teenage vandals.
Long answer:
Be glad they just smashed one. If I’d done it, there’d be 3 smashed pumpkins, egged house, and TP in your tree. Count your blessings that all they did was smash a pumpkin and teach your precious little shit that they’re not the center of the universe, but instead that they live on a planet of idiots. In fact, make them clean it up: after all, if they’re crying that their pumpkin got smashed, then make them clean up their mess.
See, a smashed pumpkin is common if you’re stupid enough to front-porch it before, during, or after Halloween.
Oct 29, 2010 at 12:11 am rating: 90
#25
Chester A. Arthur VIII
On #1:
Stealing pumpkins is only a douche-box move if you’re over 20 years old. Otherwise, it’s acceptable as part of normal teenage mischief and it happens throughout the U.S. It looks like the parents didn’t learn their lesson: the “survivors” are still outside. If the thief sees that sign… I’ll let you imagine how that scenario would play out.
I was going to say that the parents are just mad because they’ve misplaced their silver spoons and have been quite anal ever since.
In reality, they are pissed because having kids has gone out of fashion (pets are the new black), and the statute of limitations on termination has expired in their state.
I do, however, believe that the parents are making every attempt to make this child become as narcissistic and bitter as possible out of spite.
FTW, you jumped on the wrong bandwagon.
Oct 29, 2010 at 12:41 am rating: 90
#26
WMDKitty
Jeebus H. Christ, people, it’s JUST A PUMPKIN! Buy another one and get the fuck over it, already.
Oct 29, 2010 at 2:54 am rating: 90
#27
matt
pic#2
If I was the pumkin stealer, I think I would have choked on the spot anyway in reaction to the color of the paint on the wall. It makes me want to dry heave.
Oct 29, 2010 at 4:33 am rating: 90
#28
anglophile
Pumpkin Stealer #1 is just extremely safety-conscious. No one wants to see a four-year-old with a sharp knife in hand. Now said four-year-old can help carve the pumpkins the rational way: help design the face, have mom and dad do the work with the sharp implements and make a huge mess scooping the innards out. Were these parents thinking of letting the kid lit the candle, too?
Oct 29, 2010 at 6:50 am rating: 90
#29
Kevin
When I was a kid, my dad would chain our German shepherd to the front porch to protect the jack-o-lanterns on Halloween. While neighbors’ pumpkins were smashed in the street by morning, we never had a pumpkin stolen.
Oct 29, 2010 at 8:15 am rating: 90
#30
allison in houston
1) Buy another pumpkin for the kid. Explain that there are bad people in the world, and someday the guy that stole the pumpkin and smashed it will pay. (I know better, but it will be soothing to the kid, who is, after all, 4).
2) My kid, at any age, thinking it’s OK to steal and destroy someone else’s property just because it’s Halloween, is a much bigger problem. Is it by inference ok to then torture a black cat on Halloween? It’s “just” a prank, right?
3) This is Texas. You kid could get SHOT for being on someone’s porch and taking something. It’s happened. Do you want your kid to get shot over a pumpkin? No? Teach them not to steal.
Oct 29, 2010 at 8:48 am rating: 90
#31
divaandwriter
To Note Writer No. 2:
What kind of mutant monster pumpkins does your family grow, that are capable of choking a fully-grown human?
Oct 29, 2010 at 9:14 am rating: 90
#32
GhostWriter
The travesty here is not the broken pumpkin, nor the sheltered 4-year-old, nor the outraged parents.
The travesty here is furthering the belief that pumpkins have families, and that Mommy and Daddy pumpkins raise baby pumpkins. You know how some vegans “…never eat anything with a face”? Well, now you can nix pumpkin pies for holiday meals.
Oct 29, 2010 at 9:35 am rating: 90
#33
raychel
Pumkins are $5.99 at Safeway. I’ll give this woman $6.00 if she will shut her gob!
Oct 29, 2010 at 10:06 am rating: 90
#34
Noelegy
That’s OK, whoever smashed and stole the pumpkins was once someone’s darling child, too.
Oct 29, 2010 at 10:26 am rating: 90
#35
Noelegy
Speaking of worse things that could happen, I must remember to ask my neighbor next door to keep her adorable and very friendly black cat indoors over the weekend.
Oct 29, 2010 at 10:32 am rating: 90
#36
Chester A. Arthur VIII
I feel bad for the poor soul named Sarah Kevin. Way to give your kid a head start on gender confusion, mum and dad.
Oct 29, 2010 at 9:55 pm rating: 90
#37
Canthz_B
Ok, I’ve had a little time to think about why this one bothered me so much.
If these people invested time making their child think of the intact pumpkins as a fully functioning family, how were they going to explain cutting their heads open, scooping out their guts and surgically cutting faces into them?
How were they going to explain the disposal of this wonderful little family?
Surely, they didn’t plan to lie to their tot, at least not to continue to lie, right? Because liars are just as bad as thieves in my book.
Beyond that all I can say is…These people are out of their gourds!
Oct 30, 2010 at 1:33 am rating: 90
#38
Hear Me Roar
They can have the pumpkins but if they egg my car this year there will be hell to pay!
Oct 30, 2010 at 2:49 am rating: 90
#39
Hellbound Alleee
When you say it like that, why it sounds so boastful and proud to claim that no “higher beings” exist, than humans. Proud indeed.
Uh…however, being an ex, I can say you’ve got it backwards. When I was a churchgoer, we believed that humans were the highest natural beings. We had a real hierarchy that was put down by Paul himself. The daughters, the sons, the wife , the husband, the church, Jesus and God. In that order. Now as an atheist, I don’t quite know what anyone means by “a higher being.” High how? There’s no hierarchy to life. Surely there are bigger creatures, and creatures that may surely take man down one day. There’s also a predator/prey list. But higher? Means nothing to me.
Oct 30, 2010 at 9:12 am rating: 90
#40
Hmm
Sure, I could put my pumpkins on the back porch or inside. It irks the hell out of me that we must take extra precautions because of the 1% of idiots out there. I say get rid of the 1% — we could consider it our own form of “natural selection.”
Oct 30, 2010 at 6:23 pm rating: 90
#41
Damazon
Did anyone else read the second note’s header as Poet Scorner?
I instantaneously felt bad for poets. You should watch out for the Poet Scorner, who may just laugh at your facination of your own emotions that you’ve put to paper…
Nov 4, 2010 at 9:10 am rating: 90
#42
pony girl
RE: Note #1 -
Way to let people know you’ve got a 4 year old daughter waiting to be kidnapped.
Maybe next time you can post your schedule and a map of the house with her bedroom circled in red ink.
Nov 7, 2010 at 3:50 pm rating: 90
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