Matt, a law student in Boston, surmises that this note posted in the school’s student lounge was written by non-native English speaker — “the other possibility being that the stress of exams has eaten away at his ability to write coherently.” But what’s curious about this note isn’t the spelling and grammar so much as the the variety and specificity of immediate punishments that are promised within.
“For example,” asks Matt: “Will the food choke the perpetrator, or will Frank be the choker? How will the burns be administered to the sleeper?” And so on. ”In any case,” he adds, “at least the various threatened deaths won’t be drawn out. (Also, to the best of my knowledge, there is no ‘video record’ of the refrigerator.)”
related: Testosterone-fueled wackjobs make the dardnest threats!
86 responses so far ↓
#1
aaa
I like to believe this isn’t an angry rant so much as a curse being invoked upon Douchey McFood Thief since the note writer seems so certain that these horrid things will befall their antagonist.
Although I do have to wonder why they keep storing their food in the student lounge if their shit seems to keep getting pilfered so damn often. I mean, after the second time, one should either be not keeping their food there or leaving out some inviting food spike with salt, ridiculous amounts of hot sauce, or, if feeling super-douchey and not caring about potential poisoning charges, ipecac.
Dec 7, 2010 at 4:38 pm rating: 90
#2
shwo!
If an asshole stole your food, you really don’t want it back.
Dec 7, 2010 at 4:45 pm rating: 90
#3
JC
If you’re gonna steal someone’s food, sound’s like Frank is a good target, since he’s not man enough to do anything about it himself.
Dec 7, 2010 at 5:08 pm rating: 90
#4
ashmeadow
Matt might think there’s not a video record, but I wouldn’t put it beyond Frank to knock off the handle of a drawer across from the fridge and tape a camera inside. Never underestimate rage, Matt. Never.
Dec 7, 2010 at 5:12 pm rating: 90
#5
CakeasaurusRex
Team Frank! Why do people take food that’s not their own? Ugh, *rolly eyes* Plan ahead and bring your own food (or go buy some …damn).
Dec 7, 2010 at 5:14 pm rating: 90
#6
Edwina the Defrocked Nun
Team Fridge Pirate … not because they are right, but because Frank is wrong.
If your grub has been taken 5 times since last semester – GET A CLUE! It will be taken again – and no amount of nastiness in your fantasy life will forestall it. In fact, Team Fridge Pirate will be laughing at you as they eat your next batch of leftovers.
Dec 7, 2010 at 5:21 pm rating: 90
#7
SHammett13
How many times can the food thief die immediately?
Dec 7, 2010 at 5:35 pm rating: 90
#8
People Person
Might I suggest a spring gun? Contra Katko v. Briney, 183 N.W.2d 657 (Iowa 1971) (holding homeowner liable for battery for injuries caused to a trespasser who set off a spring gun set as a mantrap in an abandoned house on the homeowner’s property).
Dec 7, 2010 at 5:56 pm rating: 90
#9
sleeps
This is my favorite phase of apoplectic rage; when it passes into the realm of psychotic revenge fantasy, and the person believes they can mete out terrible punishments through the sheer strength of their anger alone.
Dec 7, 2010 at 5:59 pm rating: 90
#10
The voice of... James Mason
I lived with a psychotic food-stealing fridge pirate for a year. I completely sympathize, knowing the soul-sucking, grammar-destroying wrath it inspires, even if the guy should probably just suck it up and buy a mini-fridge at this point… Seriously though, why steal other people’s food?? What distinguishes food stealing from any other type of kleptomania??!!
I might still be a little bitter.
Dec 7, 2010 at 6:34 pm rating: 90
#11
lupanime
It seems Frank believes in reincarnation, as the thief will die three times AND will also go to hell.
Yes, karma is a bitch, but hey, as a simple food thief you get to die immediately and not suffer a long agony! Cheer up!
Team The Grudge
Dec 7, 2010 at 6:41 pm rating: 90
#12
Susan
Despite the random capitalization and missing words, I am quite impressed that each time Frank wrote, “you’re” he used it correctly.
This used to be a big problem at my work (it still can be at times, as we are a seasonal tourist company), and a co-worker baked ex-lax brownies to catch the thief. Unfortuantely, the person believed to be the thief was fired shortly after, and the brownies remained untouched.
Dec 7, 2010 at 7:40 pm rating: 90
#13
Stephanie I
Very little “passive” in this note
Dec 7, 2010 at 7:48 pm rating: 90
#14
loopy
see id want to draw out the death, just to be sure they wont do it again
Dec 7, 2010 at 8:50 pm rating: 90
#15
Canthz_B
I guess when they catch the food thief they can kick his ass at their leisure, since it doesn’t say his ass must be kicked immediately.
Dec 7, 2010 at 9:31 pm rating: 90
#16
Odious
The thing that cracks me up is that the majority of the note is a psychic prediction (re:the future.).
Dec 7, 2010 at 10:41 pm rating: 90
#17
AuntyBron
I think maybe the “die immediately” was more of a Karma thing, or possibly the Wrath of God. If God is going to strike the thief dead that must have been one righteous sammich.
Dec 7, 2010 at 11:56 pm rating: 90
#18
Rybashka
The only clue that Frank might be a non-native English speaker is his writing the date as “2010/11/26″. Otherwise, his grammar is a good (or as bad) as a typical American college student.
Dec 8, 2010 at 2:45 am rating: 90
#19
bored@work
When you listen to music, you hear Mariah Carey and you die immediately!
Dec 8, 2010 at 7:44 am rating: 90
#20
bored@work
One thing about Frank, he’s very frank.
Dec 8, 2010 at 7:53 am rating: 90
#21
Lidda
Memo to Frank: Don’t leave your food on the floor on Fridays between 12 pm and 5 pm. Maybe it got stepped on and is stuck to the bottom of someone’s shoe.
Dec 8, 2010 at 8:46 am rating: 90
#22
4L
I really want to know which Boston law school this came from. My first thought is that it’s BU Law (where I went) because it has a large number of international students (due to its American Law LL.M. program) and it has refrigerators on the first floor.
If it’s from a BU Law student, it’s particularly hilarious because the maintenance staff at BU cleans out the refrigerators on Friday afternoons and tosses out any food left in there. (There are many signs to let people know this.)
Dec 8, 2010 at 9:12 am rating: 90
#23
Ed Depaine
By the power of grayskull if you touch my food you will die immediately!
Dec 8, 2010 at 9:15 am rating: 90
#24
Woman on the Verge
I’m hoping the next thing the thief steals is Frank’s Voodoo Donut.
Dec 8, 2010 at 9:20 am rating: 90
#25
Rachel
Does anybody else with a degree above the high school level feel like it’s worth less after having read this? The grammar–nay!–the complete disregard for sentence structure is making me rethink $136K worth of higher ed. degrees based strictly on the fact that this jerk is still in school.
Dec 8, 2010 at 10:32 am rating: 90
#26
Limeliberator
I used to work at a bank. There was this kid named Brandon who used to steal people’s lunches. He’d say that he needed to use the restroom (which was upstairs at the end of the hall from the lounge) and be gone for 20-30 minutes. New people thought that he had “bathroom issues” until they got their food stolen.
Dec 8, 2010 at 6:09 pm rating: 90
#27
Madrias
Ah, my note would have mentioned death-by-shit, because I’d have put a box of laxative-laced food in there. Stopped a pesky roommate from eating my food really fast.
Dec 10, 2010 at 12:00 am rating: 90
#28
sonny bishop
Hey bored…that voodoo donut was fucking delicious.
Dec 14, 2010 at 7:16 am rating: 90
#29
sonny bishop
No problem, still chewing. “shut up” is hard to swallow. But it is fucking delicious.
Dec 15, 2010 at 6:39 am rating: 90
#30
thief
my bad bro
getting hit by the car sucked
Jan 17, 2011 at 7:18 pm rating: 90
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