Providing a “friendly holiday spirit”

December 13th, 2010 · 42 comments

Halloween was just a prelude, really —it’s Christmas that brings the real bounty of guilt-trip opportunities, often with a bonus side helping of irony.

To wit: Jaime in Canada says his neighbor (okay, “neighbour”) went totally Clark Griswold with his Christmas decorating this year, creating a sparkling extravaganza that is, Jaime says, “quite the treat for the eyes.”

But the best part of the display might be what stands in front of Santa and his team of reindeer  — an ellipses-and-exclamation-fueled cautionary tale about the true meaning of Christmas…consumerism!!! (Take that, Tiny Tim!)

Dear Potential Rotten Kid!!!!!!!! This display was a Christmas gift from my children. I, plus my neighbours enjoy providing a friendly holiday spirit. Let your conscience be your guide! ...Imagine...Christmas Morning...You!! Mom...Dad...Hey, where's my presents? SORRY...SON!!! Somebody stole everything from our car!!

related: Who stole and vandalized a candy cane? Who stole the baby Jesus??

FILED UNDER: Canada · Christmas · ellipses-crazed · exclamation-point happy!!!! · guilt trip · holiday spirit · neighbors · stealing · Won't somebody think of the children? · you're like so going to hell

42 responses so far ↓

  • #1   CakeasaurusRex

    I hate kids :D

    Dec 13, 2010 at 6:31 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      What about adults? It doesn’t say anything about grown-ups stealing the decorations. I need some new ones for my yard…. Where is this again?

      Dec 14, 2010 at 8:47 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   CakeasaurusRex

      You’re totally right!
      I should change my statement to: I hate people.
      hahaha ^_^

      Dec 14, 2010 at 11:07 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #2   moody

    Who the hell is he/she yelling at? “Look at my Xmas display…also, I’ll steal the gifts from your parents’ car?”

    Dec 13, 2010 at 6:32 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #3   Solon

    So he wants to make sure rotten kids reach their full potential? “Sure, you could steal my baby jesus or draw a moustache on Santa, but to really be rotten you need to steal presents from your neighbors.”

    Dec 13, 2010 at 6:39 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   wright1

      This is just the kind of message that those PRKs need to actualize their full potential. Nothing brings out latent hooliganism in the 9+ year-old demographic than a warning note in front of an elaborate front-yard holiday display…

      Dec 14, 2010 at 2:25 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #4   VerityBrown bang

    Unfortunately, the kind of person (child or adult) who would steal or vandalize a Christmas display is not the kind of person who would (or perhaps could) read an anti-vandalism warning that appeals to their non-existent conscience. I’d suggest a more aggressive means of stopping these losers in their tracks: caltrops hidden in the snow around the display.

    Dec 13, 2010 at 6:48 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   anglophile bang

      Thumbs up for knowledge of and proper use of the word caltrops.


      Dec 13, 2010 at 8:15 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   Canthz_B bang

      Aye, there’d be trouble afoot then!

      Dec 13, 2010 at 10:51 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.3   Anruiishi bang

      Amazing pun. Love it :)

      Dec 13, 2010 at 11:34 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.4   Divvitar

      Yeah, because land mines would be too messy.

      Dec 14, 2010 at 1:47 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.5   Woman on the Verge bang

      Well played, Verity.

      Dec 14, 2010 at 8:35 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.6   Edwina the Defrocked Nun

      Those tetrahedral things are called “caltrops”? I always thought they were called “jacks.”

      Dec 15, 2010 at 10:38 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.7   Andi

      You learn something new everyday with Google. Destructive little buggers…

      Dec 15, 2010 at 4:28 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.8   WMDKitty

      +1 for the caltrops.

      Dec 15, 2010 at 9:54 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.9   tinkerjenn

      ….aaaand gamers for the win!

      Jan 6, 2011 at 5:36 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #5   Danny

    Why did he leave his presents in the car? Perhaps he should just bring them inside and hide them in the closet like a normal person.

    Dec 13, 2010 at 6:54 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Canthz_B bang

      My parents used to put the presents under the tree for safekeeping, but with the economy being what it is, I guess living in the family sedan does present a few problems during the Christmas season.

      Dec 13, 2010 at 10:43 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   Who? Me?

      No, no, no, you misconstrue … The sign writer isn’t storing presents in the car, he’s just creating a hypothetical scenario that might appeal to the PRK … The car storage is presumably used by the PRK’s own mom and dad, get it?

      The story does rather pull at one’s heart strings, at least at first. Then I started to think, wait a minute, these people’s kids gave them outdoor decorations as gifts? Really? Sorry, I don’t quite buy it. How old are those kids? And what a strange gift, when you stop and think about it … “Oh Johnny, it’s *just* what I wanted … how thoughtful of you … the huge inflatable snowman I’ve had my eye on all these years! I just love it! Come over here and let me give you a great big hug!”

      To make matters worse, the sign is ugly. It spoils the whole “treat for the eyes” theme for which they seem to be aiming.

      I think they should have gone for an electrified fence instead. But that’s just me.

      Dec 14, 2010 at 12:49 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.3   Who? Me?

      Ok, so perhaps the electrified fence is a bit too much… I’m doing further research … Thank you, Kerry, indeed this is the BEST URL EVER:
      Security measures

      Some nativity display owners have taken measures to secure their property against would-be thieves. Others are reluctant to exercise such vigilance. One Indiana man who suffered the loss of his Baby Jesus figurine rebuffed suggestions to secure the figurines on his porch because, “that would be like putting Jesus in jail”. Traditional security measures are not always foolproof. The Baby Jesus fastened to the National Christmas Creche at Independence Hall disappeared within days.

      Some communities, churches, and citizens are employing electronic technology to protect their property. A Texas family, for example, positioned surveillance cameras in their yard and discovered a teenage girl stealing their Baby Jesus figurine, valued at nearly US$500. In 2008, a security device distributor offered its surveillance cameras and GPS devices to 200 non-profit religious institutions for a month’s use gratis. GPS protection has met with some success. In one case, after a life-size ceramic nativity figurine disappeared from the lawn of a community center in Wellington, Florida, sheriff’s deputies tracked it to an apartment where it was found lying face-down on a carpet. An 18-year-old woman was arrested.

      See, that 18-year-old woman went waaay over the line. Lying face-down? Tsk, tsk. If it were lying face up, perhaps she might have been given a stern warning instead.

      Dec 14, 2010 at 1:30 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.4   VerityBrown bang

      I love the GPS idea. Too expensive for the average consumer. But definitely a nice way to catch the vandals red-handed. I would LOVE to go around with the cops and photograph these people’s faces as they realize they’ve been caught.

      Dec 14, 2010 at 5:22 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.5   Alicia

      SON: Dad, why did you leave my Christmas presents in the car?
      FATHER (sighs) : To make it easier for karmic retribution, son…to make it easier for karmic retribution…

      Dec 15, 2010 at 12:43 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #6   wynn

    It’s funny how they assume the “rotten” little kid will be male. I was SUCH a rotten little girl…but thankfully, nobody ever suspected me. The ruse is effective.

    Dec 13, 2010 at 7:14 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #7   SB

    What?! This note makes no damn sense.

    Dec 13, 2010 at 7:27 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #8   kiwi

    this sign makes no sense to me.
    but danny, did you stop to think that maybe they have those kids that snoop around the house looking for their presents and they may not have anywhere to hide the gifts other than the car? nobody should have to worry about some trashy loser getting into their car for anything in the first place.

    Dec 13, 2010 at 8:06 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #9   Lan bang

    When I was a kid, the mere presence of this sign would have made us stop and think.
    Where are we gonna hide a not so tiny reindeer??

    Dec 13, 2010 at 8:56 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #10   Canthz_B bang

    Who knew Jiminy Cricket put up such lavish Christmas decorations? 8-O

    Dec 13, 2010 at 10:31 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #11   Canthz_B bang

    I call bullshit.

    Look at all of that snow. Kids don’t rot when they’re refrigerated.
    Their potential rot won’t manifest itself until the Spring thaw.

    Dec 14, 2010 at 1:40 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Divvitar

      Isn’t that why they are “potentially” rotten? They haven’t reached putrifescence yet. Which begs the question: If you kill and hide the PRK’s in your Christmas display, why would you leave a sign?

      Dec 14, 2010 at 1:52 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #12   KJS

    Right, because nothing says “‘steal me” like a sign that says “don’t steal me.”

    Based on this sign one would think this man didn’t have kids, but considering said kids bought him lawn ornaments as a gift I’m going to go out on a limb and conclude that this is one weird family.

    Dec 14, 2010 at 5:30 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #13   aaa bang

    Fuck that shit, I’ll celebrate Saturnalia. Tomfoolery is supposed to be a part of that holiday.

    Dec 14, 2010 at 8:47 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Ed Depaine

      Festivus for the rest of us!

      Dec 14, 2010 at 10:24 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #13.2   aaa bang

      I’ve got my pole ready and waiting for 23 December.

      Dec 14, 2010 at 11:39 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #13.3   aaa bang

      Frank Costanza: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.

      Cosmo Kramer: What happened to the doll?

      Frank Costanza: It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born: a Festivus for the rest of us!

      Kramer: That must have been some kind of doll.

      Frank Costanza: She was.

      Dec 14, 2010 at 11:40 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #14   GhostWriter bang

    Has he learned nothing from Dr. Seuss? Even without packages, boxes and bags, Christmas comes just the same.

    Dec 14, 2010 at 8:54 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #15   divaandwriter bang

    1. Put up a nice, sparkly Christmas display
    2. Put an ugly looking, handwritten sign right in front of it
    3. Neighbor takes a picture of the ugly sign and sends it to a funny internet site

    Instant fame!

    Dec 14, 2010 at 11:17 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #16   Jayay

    I think you’re all being way too harsh on the note writer. Does no one feel bad for them for having their decorations stolen? :(

    Dec 14, 2010 at 12:42 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   anglophile bang

      There is no evidence that anything has been stolen. The note doesn’t say anything has been stolen, the submitter doesn’t report that anything has been stolen. Yes, it’s crappy to steal someone’s Christmas decorations. It is just as crappy, if not crappier, to assume some kid’s going to steal something.

      The note writer is just being a preemptive asshole.

      Dec 14, 2010 at 4:19 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #16.2   VerityBrown bang

      There’s no evidence to show that vandalism/theft of yard decorations hasn’t been a problem in the past, either for the note writer or for other people in his neighborhood. If not, then yes, he’s being a preemptive asshole. If there has been (which we don’t know), then the note writer is merely clueless about his target audience.

      Dec 14, 2010 at 5:18 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #17   Madrias

    I’m surprised no one’s stolen the note yet.

    Dec 14, 2010 at 1:15 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #18   Odious

    I can’t follow the ginormous conversational leap in the sign. Imagine you? What did car theft get involved? Who the heck speaks like that, “I plus my neighbors enjoy…”?

    Dec 17, 2010 at 10:08 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #19   Cooky

    Well, the spotlights were blazing away into our bedroon windows and he was an idiot to use reindeer.

    Can I help it he doesn’t get home until after six each evening?

    Of course I had to rearrange the reindeer into reindeer games every day. It takes a ton of imagination to find new poses for them day after day after day.

    I wonder how many years the idiot across the street will continue to put up this commercial mess?

    Dec 20, 2010 at 3:47 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up


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