Providing a “friendly holiday spirit”

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December 13th, 2010 · 42 comments

Halloween was just a prelude, really —it’s Christmas that brings the real bounty of guilt-trip opportunities, often with a bonus side helping of irony.

To wit: Jaime in Canada says his neighbor (okay, “neighbour”) went totally Clark Griswold with his Christmas decorating this year, creating a sparkling extravaganza that is, Jaime says, “quite the treat for the eyes.”

But the best part of the display might be what stands in front of Santa and his team of reindeer — an ellipses-and-exclamation-fueled cautionary tale about the true meaning of Christmas…consumerism!!! (Take that, Tiny Tim!)

FILED UNDER: Canada · Christmas · ellipses-crazed · exclamation-point happy!!!! · guilt trip · holiday spirit · neighbors · stealing · Won't somebody think of the children? · you're like so going to hell

42 responses so far ↓

#1 CakeasaurusRex

I hate kids

Dec 13, 2010 at 6:31 pm rating: 90

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- #1.1 Woman on the Verge
  
  What about adults? It doesn’t say anything about grown-ups stealing the decorations. I need some new ones for my yard…. Where is this again?
  
  Dec 14, 2010 at 8:47 am rating: 90
- #1.2 CakeasaurusRex
  
  You’re totally right!
  I should change my statement to: I hate people.
  hahaha ^_^
  
  Dec 14, 2010 at 11:07 am rating: 90
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#2 moody

Who the hell is he/she yelling at? “Look at my Xmas display…also, I’ll steal the gifts from your parents’ car?”

Dec 13, 2010 at 6:32 pm rating: 90

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#3 Solon

So he wants to make sure rotten kids reach their full potential? “Sure, you could steal my baby jesus or draw a moustache on Santa, but to really be rotten you need to steal presents from your neighbors.”

Dec 13, 2010 at 6:39 pm rating: 90

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- #3.1 wright1
  
  This is just the kind of message that those PRKs need to actualize their full potential. Nothing brings out latent hooliganism in the 9+ year-old demographic than a warning note in front of an elaborate front-yard holiday display…
  
  Dec 14, 2010 at 2:25 pm rating: 90
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#4 VerityBrown

Unfortunately, the kind of person (child or adult) who would steal or vandalize a Christmas display is not the kind of person who would (or perhaps could) read an anti-vandalism warning that appeals to their non-existent conscience. I’d suggest a more aggressive means of stopping these losers in their tracks: caltrops hidden in the snow around the display.

Dec 13, 2010 at 6:48 pm rating: 90

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- #4.1 anglophile
  
  Thumbs up for knowledge of and proper use of the word caltrops.
  
  Props.
  
  Dec 13, 2010 at 8:15 pm rating: 90
- #4.2 Canthz_B
  
  Aye, there’d be trouble afoot then!
  
  Dec 13, 2010 at 10:51 pm rating: 90
- #4.3 Anruiishi
  
  Amazing pun. Love it
  
  Dec 13, 2010 at 11:34 pm rating: 90
- #4.4 Divvitar
  
  Yeah, because land mines would be too messy.
  
  Dec 14, 2010 at 1:47 am rating: 90
- #4.5 Woman on the Verge
  
  Well played, Verity.
  
  Dec 14, 2010 at 8:35 am rating: 90
- #4.6 Edwina the Defrocked Nun
  
  Those tetrahedral things are called “caltrops”? I always thought they were called “jacks.”
  
  Dec 15, 2010 at 10:38 am rating: 90
- #4.7 Andi
  
  You learn something new everyday with Google. Destructive little buggers…
  
  Dec 15, 2010 at 4:28 pm rating: 90
- #4.8 WMDKitty
  
  +1 for the caltrops.
  
  Dec 15, 2010 at 9:54 pm rating: 90
- #4.9 tinkerjenn
  
  ….aaaand gamers for the win!
  
  Jan 6, 2011 at 5:36 pm rating: 90
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#5 Danny

Why did he leave his presents in the car? Perhaps he should just bring them inside and hide them in the closet like a normal person.

Dec 13, 2010 at 6:54 pm rating: 90

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- #5.1 Canthz_B
  
  My parents used to put the presents under the tree for safekeeping, but with the economy being what it is, I guess living in the family sedan does present a few problems during the Christmas season.
  
  Dec 13, 2010 at 10:43 pm rating: 90
- #5.2 Who? Me?
  
  No, no, no, you misconstrue … The sign writer isn’t storing presents in the car, he’s just creating a hypothetical scenario that might appeal to the PRK … The car storage is presumably used by the PRK’s own mom and dad, get it?
  
  The story does rather pull at one’s heart strings, at least at first. Then I started to think, wait a minute, these people’s kids gave them outdoor decorations as gifts? Really? Sorry, I don’t quite buy it. How old are those kids? And what a strange gift, when you stop and think about it … “Oh Johnny, it’s *just* what I wanted … how thoughtful of you … the huge inflatable snowman I’ve had my eye on all these years! I just love it! Come over here and let me give you a great big hug!”
  
  To make matters worse, the sign is ugly. It spoils the whole “treat for the eyes” theme for which they seem to be aiming.
  
  I think they should have gone for an electrified fence instead. But that’s just me.
  
  Dec 14, 2010 at 12:49 am rating: 90
- #5.3 Who? Me?
  
  Ok, so perhaps the electrified fence is a bit too much… I’m doing further research … Thank you, Kerry, indeed this is the BEST URL EVER:
  
  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baby_Jesus_theft
  Security measures
  
  Some nativity display owners have taken measures to secure their property against would-be thieves. Others are reluctant to exercise such vigilance. One Indiana man who suffered the loss of his Baby Jesus figurine rebuffed suggestions to secure the figurines on his porch because, “that would be like putting Jesus in jail”. Traditional security measures are not always foolproof. The Baby Jesus fastened to the National Christmas Creche at Independence Hall disappeared within days.
  
  Some communities, churches, and citizens are employing electronic technology to protect their property. A Texas family, for example, positioned surveillance cameras in their yard and discovered a teenage girl stealing their Baby Jesus figurine, valued at nearly US$500. In 2008, a security device distributor offered its surveillance cameras and GPS devices to 200 non-profit religious institutions for a month’s use gratis. GPS protection has met with some success. In one case, after a life-size ceramic nativity figurine disappeared from the lawn of a community center in Wellington, Florida, sheriff’s deputies tracked it to an apartment where it was found lying face-down on a carpet. An 18-year-old woman was arrested.
  
  See, that 18-year-old woman went waaay over the line. Lying face-down? Tsk, tsk. If it were lying face up, perhaps she might have been given a stern warning instead.
  
  Dec 14, 2010 at 1:30 am rating: 90
- #5.4 VerityBrown
  
  I love the GPS idea. Too expensive for the average consumer. But definitely a nice way to catch the vandals red-handed. I would LOVE to go around with the cops and photograph these people’s faces as they realize they’ve been caught.
  
  Dec 14, 2010 at 5:22 pm rating: 90
- #5.5 Alicia
  
  SON: Dad, why did you leave my Christmas presents in the car?
  FATHER (sighs) : To make it easier for karmic retribution, son…to make it easier for karmic retribution…
  
  Dec 15, 2010 at 12:43 am rating: 90
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#6 wynn

It’s funny how they assume the “rotten” little kid will be male. I was SUCH a rotten little girl…but thankfully, nobody ever suspected me. The ruse is effective.

Dec 13, 2010 at 7:14 pm rating: 90

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#7 SB

What?! This note makes no damn sense.

Dec 13, 2010 at 7:27 pm rating: 90

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#8 kiwi

this sign makes no sense to me.
but danny, did you stop to think that maybe they have those kids that snoop around the house looking for their presents and they may not have anywhere to hide the gifts other than the car? nobody should have to worry about some trashy loser getting into their car for anything in the first place.

Dec 13, 2010 at 8:06 pm rating: 90

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#9 Lan

When I was a kid, the mere presence of this sign would have made us stop and think.
Where are we gonna hide a not so tiny reindeer??

Dec 13, 2010 at 8:56 pm rating: 90

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#10 Canthz_B

Who knew Jiminy Cricket put up such lavish Christmas decorations?

Dec 13, 2010 at 10:31 pm rating: 90

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#11 Canthz_B

I call bullshit.

Look at all of that snow. Kids don’t rot when they’re refrigerated.
Their potential rot won’t manifest itself until the Spring thaw.

Dec 14, 2010 at 1:40 am rating: 90

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- #11.1 Divvitar
  
  Isn’t that why they are “potentially” rotten? They haven’t reached putrifescence yet. Which begs the question: If you kill and hide the PRK’s in your Christmas display, why would you leave a sign?
  
  Dec 14, 2010 at 1:52 am rating: 90
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#12 KJS

Right, because nothing says “‘steal me” like a sign that says “don’t steal me.”

Based on this sign one would think this man didn’t have kids, but considering said kids bought him lawn ornaments as a gift I’m going to go out on a limb and conclude that this is one weird family.

Dec 14, 2010 at 5:30 am rating: 90

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#13 aaa

Fuck that shit, I’ll celebrate Saturnalia. Tomfoolery is supposed to be a part of that holiday.

Dec 14, 2010 at 8:47 am rating: 90

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- #13.1 Ed Depaine
  
  Festivus for the rest of us!
  
  Dec 14, 2010 at 10:24 am rating: 90
- #13.2 aaa
  
  I’ve got my pole ready and waiting for 23 December.
  
  Dec 14, 2010 at 11:39 am rating: 90
- #13.3 aaa
  
  Frank Costanza: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.
  
  Cosmo Kramer: What happened to the doll?
  
  Frank Costanza: It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born: a Festivus for the rest of us!
  
  Kramer: That must have been some kind of doll.
  
  Frank Costanza: She was.
  
  Dec 14, 2010 at 11:40 am rating: 90
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#14 GhostWriter

Has he learned nothing from Dr. Seuss? Even without packages, boxes and bags, Christmas comes just the same.

Dec 14, 2010 at 8:54 am rating: 90

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#15 divaandwriter

1. Put up a nice, sparkly Christmas display
2. Put an ugly looking, handwritten sign right in front of it
3. Neighbor takes a picture of the ugly sign and sends it to a funny internet site

Instant fame!

Dec 14, 2010 at 11:17 am rating: 90

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#16 Jayay

I think you’re all being way too harsh on the note writer. Does no one feel bad for them for having their decorations stolen?

Dec 14, 2010 at 12:42 pm rating: 90

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- #16.1 anglophile
  
  There is no evidence that anything has been stolen. The note doesn’t say anything has been stolen, the submitter doesn’t report that anything has been stolen. Yes, it’s crappy to steal someone’s Christmas decorations. It is just as crappy, if not crappier, to assume some kid’s going to steal something.
  
  The note writer is just being a preemptive asshole.
  
  Dec 14, 2010 at 4:19 pm rating: 90
- #16.2 VerityBrown
  
  There’s no evidence to show that vandalism/theft of yard decorations hasn’t been a problem in the past, either for the note writer or for other people in his neighborhood. If not, then yes, he’s being a preemptive asshole. If there has been (which we don’t know), then the note writer is merely clueless about his target audience.
  
  Dec 14, 2010 at 5:18 pm rating: 90
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#17 Madrias

I’m surprised no one’s stolen the note yet.

Dec 14, 2010 at 1:15 pm rating: 90

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#18 Odious

I can’t follow the ginormous conversational leap in the sign. Imagine you? What did car theft get involved? Who the heck speaks like that, “I plus my neighbors enjoy…”?

Dec 17, 2010 at 10:08 pm rating: 90

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#19 Cooky

Well, the spotlights were blazing away into our bedroon windows and he was an idiot to use reindeer.

Can I help it he doesn’t get home until after six each evening?

Of course I had to rearrange the reindeer into reindeer games every day. It takes a ton of imagination to find new poses for them day after day after day.

I wonder how many years the idiot across the street will continue to put up this commercial mess?

Dec 20, 2010 at 3:47 pm rating: 90

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