Faux (feu) pas

January 17th, 2011 · 42 comments

To me, this note is like that scene about 17 minutes into an episode of Law & Order, when the detectives run into an overly-talkative building manager and ask him he’s seen anything suspicious lately. Then, inevitably, the guy says something like, “Well, now that you mention it, ’bout two days ago, one of the residents tried to burn some old bloody clothes in that fireplace over dere. I guess the guy wasn’t too smaht, cause he didn’t figure out that fireplace ain’t real. You know, it’s just for show.”

To Whom it May Concern, I regret to inform you that this is, in fact, a fake fireplace, and that your attempt to burn your old clothes has failed. Kindly collect your things and dispose of them properly.  Regretfully yours, Not the maid

related: When sleeping, you will get burned and die immediately.

FILED UNDER: Boston · neighbors · Oops? · Too good to be real? · WTF?

42 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Nunavut Guy

    Okay,I’m calling B.S on this one,Nobody is that inept.

    Jan 17, 2011 at 5:41 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   A Fox

      But somebody might have been that drunk.

      Jan 17, 2011 at 6:34 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   Canthz_B bang

      I dunno. I can think of a few commenters here that could make that mistake…then post that they can’t understand why their clothes didn’t burn.

      As if red velvet clothing burns during April in fake fireplaces! :lol:

      Jan 17, 2011 at 11:14 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   red velvet

      You misspelled “Canthz_B clothing”

      In before you refresh fifty times in the next eight hours looking for the most biting comeback. I won’t be here, of course. I’ll be out being productive, which is what you pretend you are as you feverishly hit f5.

      Jan 18, 2011 at 8:58 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.4   anglophile bang

      Ah yes, the old “I’m arguing on the Internet but the other guy really needs to get a life like me, I clearly have a life other than arguing on the Internet, and can you believe some people are so pathetic they have nothing better to do than argue on the Internet” argument. It’s my very favorite!

      Jan 18, 2011 at 9:45 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.5   Nunavut Guy

      R.V what the hell are you babbling about? I just don’t get it.

      Jan 18, 2011 at 12:41 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.6   Sean Jungian

      Wait, what? Oh! Ha ha ha………ahhh, yeah.

      Jan 18, 2011 at 12:44 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.7   oi

      omg! CB, red velvet knows the truth. Whatever will you do?
      Why can’t you be more like him? When he knows that his comeback is not biting hell it does not even make sense he goes and pretends to be productive. While feverishly hitting f5 to see if you have replied to his senseless comeback wrapped in a generic insult that amazingly applies to himself too!
      On a unrelated note, it’s fun to watch when idiots try to sort themselves out in public.

      Jan 18, 2011 at 1:44 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.8   Janellionaire

      Can someone explain this whole thread to me? Thanks, I’ll just be feverishly spamming F5. I’m not sure why. Does that refresh? I could use a refreshment.

      Jan 18, 2011 at 3:44 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.9   Frankie bang

      I gotcha Janellionaire sweetie: First of all, Nunavut Guy noticed a new note and was lucky enough to comment first in a witty way to say that no one could be that dumb. THEN in 1.1 A Fox made a funny sub comment about how it could have been someone who had drank too much. 1.2 brought us a witty comment from CB in the form of a light hearted jab at RV for something they must have posted in a previous note. CB’s comment somehow resulted in RV gaining the super power of being able to detect intention and tone of voice in an internet posting. The result was RV got all het up causing his/her ass to eat his/her underwear followed by an immediate reversion back to his/her childhood (I’m guessing 3rd grade as we can see in comment 1.3 where RV has clearly taken the “I know you are but what am I” approach. ) In 1.4 we can see Glo doing what she does best; making a funny comment that has a point you cannot deny and most likely teaches you a lesson like no after school special starring Ben Affleck ever could. 1.5 you made your appearance with a question for the ages. I’m afraid however, we may never be able to answer it, unless Sean Jungian actually figured it out in 1.6 in which case, Sam, we implore you to share your knowledge so that we too may be able to better understand RV completely. Then oi came in at 1.7 with another sarcastic witty comment because oi got CB’s back like that. We be family after all. and then you asked for it to be explained. As for F5. I don’t know. I’m too scared to touch it as I’m worried that it has something to do with what RV is rambling about. I’m too young to take things as seriously as all of that.

      Jan 18, 2011 at 4:26 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.10   Russian

      No no red velvet, please come back. We miss you.

      And we all know nobody’s offline life is as productive as being here!

      Jan 18, 2011 at 4:31 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.11   Ten


      Hm? I would reword this (for people who do not follow the commenter drama) to say that CB just went on the offensive against other commenters, on a new post, without any provocation. A classic dick move that is only funny (?) to regulars. And I would strike the “witty”.

      Jan 18, 2011 at 5:08 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.12   Sean Jungian

      Woah…..I was just laughing because it took me about 5 minutes to even understand that “Canthz_B clothes” was a reference to the term “red velvet clothes” in the post above it…..uh, so I was sarcastically chuckling at my own thick-headedness.

      Sorry I couldn’t clear this mystery up for y’all.

      Jan 18, 2011 at 7:28 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.13   Janellionaire

      Thank you Frankie! I think I get the general idea, thanks to your helpful explanation. I’m still confused by Oi’s comment; those words don’t make sense in that order, except for the last sentence, which is very true. And Anglophile just described the chat on World of Warcraft, which I will now use to inspire nerd-rage in my fellow rage-y nerds. I also have not had the courage to try F5. Too much excitement for one day. I’m gonna go PvP and kill some Horde with my guild. Ta!

      Jan 18, 2011 at 7:31 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.14   dissipatedfog bang

      F5 refreshes? Awesome, you learn something new every day. Thanks red velvet.

      Jan 18, 2011 at 8:30 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.15   Canthz_B bang

      Ten, if you’re not a “regular”, then you probably didn’t get the joke.

      Sorry you didn’t, but I trust most did.
      I would explain it, but I don’t do that. ;-)

      rv, you’re right. I spent the entire day hitting F5 and trying to think of a witty reply to your comment, but all I was able to produce was a blister. You’ve bested me.
      I just can’t come up with any article of clothing made of Canthz_B to counter your “Canthz_B clothing” for some reason. I was going to go with a smoking jacket, but those are often made of…well, you know.
      Now, if I were a pimp, Canthz_B clothing would probably consist of a suit, hat and shoes made of…you guessed it, didn’t you?


      Jan 19, 2011 at 12:10 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #2   shwo! bang

    Phase 2: The next time this person does their laundry, replace their clothes in the dryer with a pile of ashes and leave a new note:

    “I regret to inform you that this is, in fact, a fireplace, and that your attempt to dry your clothes has succeeded a bit too well. Kindly sweep up your ashes and dispose them properly.”

    Jan 17, 2011 at 8:24 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   KST

      I love this comment. Awesome.

      Jan 17, 2011 at 9:29 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   red velvet

      Your own clothing, you mean.

      Jan 18, 2011 at 8:34 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.3   Divvitar


      Jan 19, 2011 at 1:15 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.4   Canthz_B bang

      red velvet, Couldn’t Let Us Easily Laugh Enthusiastically at Shwo!’s Snark?

      Jan 19, 2011 at 2:25 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #3   Smiley4099

    So if it wasn’t the maid…The butler wrote it!

    Jan 17, 2011 at 9:46 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #4   Nack

    Or, it was an extremely pissed off girlfriend. I hear they do that these days. Bonus points for it being a fake fireplace and having someone say it needed to be disposed of properly!

    Jan 17, 2011 at 9:48 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #5   Silence


    Nothing says chintz like plastic logs with an orange lightbulb behind them.

    Jan 17, 2011 at 9:58 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Nunavut Guy

      Hey I need a place to toast my ceramic marshmallows.

      Jan 18, 2011 at 6:03 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   tvelociraptor

      Like the burning bush in “The Ten Commandments”?

      Jan 18, 2011 at 12:08 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #6   bec

    Please post a picture of the faux fireplace, I am dying to know if it actually looks ‘fake’. Oh please let it be one with an image of a flame on a piece of cardboard.

    Jan 17, 2011 at 10:01 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #7   farcical aquatic ceremony

    I just wish this note had been written ‘by’ the fireplace…
    “To whom it may concern,
    I regret to inform you that I am, in fact, a fake fireplace–this is an Executive Suites, not the Mandarin Oriental!–and that your attempt to burn your funky, vomit- and blood-stained old clothes by lighting them with your Bic and tossing them onto my plastic logs has failed. Kindly remove your stanky-ass belongings from atop my RealFlame Light (c), and dispose of them properly.

    Regretfully yours,

    Not a real fireplace, just a shame-filled wannabe

    Jan 17, 2011 at 10:42 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #8   Canthz_B bang

    I bet OJ is glad he had a real, fully-functioning fireplace in his Brentwood Estate.
    I know I’m happy I have one right now.

    Anyone seen my other glove?

    Jan 17, 2011 at 11:18 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #9   Canthz_B bang

    What a horrible way to view the poor fake fireplace.

    They should be building its self-esteem by reassuring it that it is indeed a real fake fireplace, not trying to tear at its soul by pointing out its shortcomings in this callous manner.

    Fake fireplace, I love you. You give light, comfort and a romantic atmosphere…if not temperatures high enough to set cotton fiber alight.
    Keep up the good work.

    Jan 17, 2011 at 11:46 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #10   AuntyBron

    I say turn the clothing over to the cops and let the crime lab collect trace evidence. The guy was trying to burn his clothes for a reason.

    Just sayin’

    Jan 18, 2011 at 12:25 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   divaandwriter bang

      You HAVE been watching “Law and Order!” Admit it!

      Jan 18, 2011 at 8:44 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #11   Jon

    I don’t understand the concept of a fake fireplace. Why would someone build one that isn’t good for anything?

    Jan 18, 2011 at 9:17 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Chesire cat

      I agree. My dad has always loved the fake gas logs that look like fake logs and has gas hooked up to make some flames. The problem is it barely puts out any heat and you can’t actually burn anything in it.

      He has put those things is several different houses. The last one was an accident waiting to happen. It is hard to describe but the house was hella old and at one point probably before indoor heating and air, there was a fireplace that you could access from the living room on one side and the dining room on the other side. Well over time they closed it up and it was just a metal plate on the wall and a mantel.

      So my dad decides he wants fake gas logs. The problem is their is no longer a hearth so the gas logs are just like sitting on the floor with some marble underneath it. All it took is for a klutz or drunk person (which I happen to be both of those at times) to trip and put their foot right in it or fall in it. It was weird.

      Jan 18, 2011 at 9:37 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.2   Edwina the Defrocked Nun

      I didn’t understand the concept of a fake fireplace either, until the condo I bought had one anyway so I might as well like it. Well, it does put out a lot of heat (using a blower fan) and it actually looks a lot like a real fire. Now here’s the biggie. No firewood to purchase, haul, split, etc., no ashes, no smoke. As an almost senior citizen, let’s just say I now understand fake fireplaces. BTW this one was installed by a reputable fireplace company so I am not expecting it to burn my home down.

      No comment on trying to burn one’s clothes in a fake fireplace. There are enough comments already.

      Jan 18, 2011 at 1:40 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.3   Russian

      It makes warm, it looks like a fire, what’s not to like?!

      Jan 19, 2011 at 12:10 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #12   JChief

    “Not the Maid” = Everybody else

    Talk about going out on a limb…

    Jan 18, 2011 at 10:10 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #13   GhostWriter bang

    So the Grinch,
    in the grinchiest way that he could,
    snuck on up to the fireplace
    to steal the Who’s wood.

    But the wood there was plastic,
    “This fireplace’s a sham!”
    Sneered the Grinch,
    as he gobbled a slice of Who Ham.

    “I know what I’ll do!”
    said the Grinch like a bully.
    “I’ll say their fake fireplace
    won’t dry their clothes fully-”

    “Then I’ll bunch up their stockings
    and mittens and coats,
    and insist that they throw them away,
    with a note!”

    “…and those Who’s will be wondrin’
    why their clothes are still damp!”
    Then the Grinch grabbed their clothes,
    threw them down and did tramp
    on the socks, and the stockings,
    the coats and the mittens.
    Then he wrote out his note:
    Here’s your clothes Whos-
    Come git them!

    Jan 18, 2011 at 2:56 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #14   Frankie bang

    I have 2 fake fireplaces and 1 real one (there’s a reason, but it takes a bit to explain and I must focus to try and stay on topic). One of them is made by the amish, another by the chinese, and the third by some crap contractor from sapulpa. I can’t even get into the fake firey part of the fake ones to even try them out on my clothes, but I have burned a shirt in the real one before. OU kicked OSU’s ass in the bedlam football game and an OSU shirt had to be burned in celebration. I laughed my evil little ass off. Anyhow, I would have liked to see a picture of this ultra realistic looking fake fireplace along with the note as I have a blanket here that needs burning that I could try and shove in through my monitor.

    Jan 18, 2011 at 3:58 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #15   GhostWriter bang

    It reads like a really lame self-penned alibi by the maid.

    “I’ve chopped up the master’s body and fed him to the dogs, but what of his clothes? I got it; I’ll set them over by the fake fireplace… wait, I’d better write a note explaining the he set his clothes over there, hmmm, and I ‘d better throw everyone off the trail with a completely incorrect signature…”

    Jan 18, 2011 at 4:11 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #16   Mel K

    Maybe they were really drunk that thought it was the laundry bin. I’m sure that we’ve all woken up after a big night and found that we’d put things in weird places.

    Still does not explain the need for this note, not that that ever stopped anyone from writing a PAN. Was this in an apartment lobby?

    Jan 18, 2011 at 6:18 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #17   fish

    I’m hoping that this took place in Britain, and that the “bloody” is an expression of exasperation, rather than a description of the clothes’ blood-soaked state… If someone is trying to destroy blood-soaked clothes in a fire, that’s ALWAYS a bad sign…

    Feb 28, 2011 at 4:41 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up


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