Jesus is my copilot…and my home security system.

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Jesus is my copilot…and my home security system.

March 17th, 2011 · 75 comments

Gloria in Pennsylvania spotted this warning — sort of a New Testament twist on the old “lamb’s blood on the doorpost” trick — posted on a neighbor’s apartment door.

Now, maybe it’s because I’m a godless heathen, but if I ever took up a life of crime, I think I might find this sign from a West Virginia convenience store (as photographed by Matt in Brooklyn) just a bit more convincing.

FILED UNDER: God · Jesus · most popular notes of 2011 · not-so-veiled threats · Pennsylvania · questionable logic · stealing · warning · West Virginia

75 responses so far ↓

#1 Heather

Oooh, I like this first one- passive agressive in the name of the Lord. *shivering in my boots*

Mar 17, 2011 at 9:53 pm rating: 90

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- #1.1 Meesh
  
  Right? It may have been more effective to write “Intruders will be preached at by pompous Christian zealots.” I would certainly stay the hell away from that doorstep.
  
  Mar 18, 2011 at 2:24 pm rating: 90
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#2 Lump

Meh…I’ll take my chances

Mar 17, 2011 at 9:56 pm rating: 90

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#3 dissipatedfog

The scripture references in the first note will be lost on those burglars who forget to bring their bible with them.

Mar 17, 2011 at 10:05 pm rating: 90

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#4 Kris

I hear jesus’s blood is better than AT&T, cheaper too. Though the sign is basically pointless to those burglurs that don’t have imaginary friends.

Mar 17, 2011 at 10:11 pm rating: 90

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- #4.1 Britchick
  
  oooh, is AT & T branching out into home security too?! I thought they were just sticking to mobile phone service….
  
  Mar 17, 2011 at 10:17 pm rating: 90
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#5 Britchick

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Does anyone really take those fake alarm boxes/ADT signs seriously anyway? Might as well save yourself some money and go with something you have actual faith in, no?!

Mar 17, 2011 at 10:15 pm rating: 90

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- #5.1 The Elf
  
  A large dog?
  
  Mar 18, 2011 at 6:37 am rating: 90
- #5.2 TKD
  
  Smith & Wesson?
  
  Oh, OK, that is note #2.
  
  Mar 18, 2011 at 11:23 am rating: 90
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#6 jetjackson

Who knew the career path to security guard began with crucifixion.

Mar 17, 2011 at 10:28 pm rating: 90

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#7 Kris

Maybe instead of pulling a piece of paper out of their kid’s binder, scribbling fundie crap on it and packing taping it to their front door they should invest in locks. You know, something that actually has a hope in hell of working. Maybe the burglurs are coming for their jesus blood. Next best thing to tiger blood?

Mar 17, 2011 at 10:41 pm rating: 90

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- #7.1 Muahahaha
  
  WINNING
  
  Mar 18, 2011 at 12:48 pm rating: 90
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#8 ClearlyDemented

Well, now I practically *have* to break in. I mean, they obviously will have a bible in there, and I feel I must look up those versus so I can un-ignorantly (gnorantly?) dispute their claims.

Mar 17, 2011 at 11:13 pm rating: 90

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#9 renee

we have a sign on our front door that says:

Solicitors will be boiled and eaten.

It has certainly stopped the flood of jehovah’s witnesses!

Mar 17, 2011 at 11:30 pm rating: 90

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- #9.1 Canthz_B
  
  Too bad those pesky cannibals now come calling!
  
  I’ll have a solicitor on rye and a Diet Coke please.
  
  Mar 18, 2011 at 7:29 am rating: 90
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#10 Canthz_B

What?

No Exodus 20:15 or 20:17?

No Deuteronomy 5:19 or 5:21?

Sure, those aren’t very scary, but they get right to the point.

Mar 18, 2011 at 12:06 am rating: 90

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#11 Canthz_B

I’m afraid the last guy who “broke into” that apartment was the maintenance man, Jesus Rodriguez.
Though I don’t think the listed passages mention human sacrifice, I’m never surprised by some of the crazy interpretations of scripture a bible-thumper can come up with to support just about any worldview.

Mar 18, 2011 at 12:16 am rating: 90

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- #11.1 Maj. Mel Function
  
  CB is probably right. Note the color of the door: blood red – painted in the blood of Jesus.
  
  Mar 19, 2011 at 3:07 am rating: 90
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#12 Canthz_B

Oh yeah? When was the last time someone was shot by a sleeping person?

Maybe go with “…I’m a gun-collecting insomniac, and I’m here all night…” on the second draft of this one.

Mar 18, 2011 at 12:23 am rating: 90

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#13 Janellionaire

Listen, I am a believer, but that note would make me want to rattle the doorknob every time I walked by, just to hear them rebuke me in the name of Jay-sus.

Mar 18, 2011 at 12:23 am rating: 90

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#14 VerityBrown

Actually, I really have to wonder if the first note is targeted at human beings. Could it be a message intended for demonic intruders? Or maybe it’s targeted at a specific human being that the resident feels might as well be a demonic intruder?

Mar 18, 2011 at 12:58 am rating: 90

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- #14.1 The Elf
  
  Would demons stop to read a PAN?
  
  Mar 18, 2011 at 6:36 am rating: 90
- #14.2 VerityBrown
  
  Maybe they can’t help themselves. Like Asian demons following straight lines. Or me reading cereal boxes.
  
  Mar 18, 2011 at 9:24 am rating: 90
- #14.3 wright1
  
  In my experience, demonic intruders call during dinner hours to tell me I may have already won and DON’T YOU DARE HANG UP-
  
  Mar 18, 2011 at 1:48 pm rating: 90
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#15 chaser

First thing I saw? ‘Isaiah SHIT’ >.>

Mar 18, 2011 at 1:44 am rating: 90

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#16 duncan

Just for interest, here’s what those Bible passages say (in case maybe you forgot):
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=isaiah%2054:17&version=KJV
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%2091&version=KJV
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=malachi%203:11-12&version=KJV

Mar 18, 2011 at 2:27 am rating: 90

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- #16.1 Meesh
  
  What if I never knew them?
  
  Mar 18, 2011 at 2:17 pm rating: 90
- #16.2 Canthz_B
  
  Aw come on, Meesh…don’t you know that anyone who is anyone is supposed to have learned Bible passages by age nine and have a swimming pool filled with the blood of Christ by age thirty?…Or have you forgotten the path to Grace?
  
  Mar 20, 2011 at 12:02 am rating: 90
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#17 Alex

Everyone knows the best protection against being robbed is having shitty things and not being afraid to flaunt it. No one wants the wood paneled tv or the “rescue” computer.

Mar 18, 2011 at 2:43 am rating: 90

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- #17.1 Jimmy James
  
  So all you need to do is take apart an old wood panelled CRT television, and put your brand spankin’ new flat screen LCD inside the case. Then hide it in plain sight.
  
  Mar 18, 2011 at 9:45 am rating: 90
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#18 Mrs.Beasley

Lordy! Just imagining those who dwell behind Door #1 would be enough to discourage me from trespassing against them.

Mar 18, 2011 at 3:29 am rating: 90

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#19 Elle

I would have thought those who have already allowed God to “anoint” them wouldn’t worry too much about others “coming” against them as well…the more the merrier, right?

Mar 18, 2011 at 3:47 am rating: 90

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- #19.1 Who passed out the Haterade?
  
  But this does explain why he wrote the PAN… he woke up with “hair gel” up his nose one morning, and thought some holy smiting was in order for whoever broke in to “come against” him.
  
  $20 says it really got there because his Pekingese doesn’t believe in abstinence until marriage.
  
  Mar 18, 2011 at 11:14 am rating: 90
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#20 Canthz_B

Who’s Yoo, and what did he do to piss God off?

Mar 18, 2011 at 7:05 am rating: 90

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#21 Canthz_B

They usually find notes like the first one inside the home…

After good, solid police work leads them to the serial killer.

Mar 18, 2011 at 7:14 am rating: 90

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#22 *snerk*

I’m more taken aback by the ego in the first note. God’s anointed indeed.

I’m moderately familiar with the Bible, and I don’t think those passages were written as promises to a 21st century Pennsylvanian worried about their stuff being stolen.

Mar 18, 2011 at 9:17 am rating: 90

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- #22.1 VerityBrown
  
  The “stuff being stolen” aspect isn’t actually in the note. That’s the interpretation PAN placed on it. Think for yourself, eh?
  
  Mar 18, 2011 at 9:28 am rating: 90
- #22.2 *snerk*
  
  Actually, I don’t think PAN placed any interpretation on it. Pretty sure it was just, “here’s this note on someone’s door.”
  
  Would it make you feel better if I said the Pennsylvanian was worried about the population of Sodom showing up and trying to force their way in so that they could ‘know’ the resident?
  
  Or just coming in to *admire* the stuff? Or maybe feed the cat? Or cook themselves an omelet? Avail themselves of the facilities? Look out the window because they want to see what’s going on in the apartment across the way, and their own place doesn’t have a good view? Repaint without permission?
  
  Mar 18, 2011 at 10:19 am rating: 90
- #22.3 park rose
  
  Repaint and perish!
  
  Mar 20, 2011 at 7:57 pm rating: 90
- #22.4 tinkerbell2
  
  Yeah, Verity, I’m fairly sure that note is aimed at burglars. But since you seem to be spoiling for a fight, how do you feel about: tipping waiters; domestic cats roaming outside the house; replacing paper in communal bathrooms?
  
  Mar 21, 2011 at 8:26 am rating: 90
- #22.5 Kate from Iowa
  
  Thanks tinkerbell2, I read that as “Yea, verily”. *slaps self in head a few times*
  
  An omelet does sound tasty…a couple dashes of Jesus blood might work well with egg…
  
  Mar 21, 2011 at 4:53 pm rating: 90
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#23 *snerk*

I would be tempted to put up a reply note, to the effect of:

“You know, a lot of God’s anointed have died untimely deaths as martyrs, ended their lives as paupers, and generally suffered for their faith.”

Mar 18, 2011 at 9:19 am rating: 90

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#24 Worker 11811

The actual way the sign is supposed to read is:

Attention Burglars
I sleep here 3 nights per week with a 12 ga. shotgun by my side.
It’s up to you to guess which three nights.

Mar 18, 2011 at 10:38 am rating: 90

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- #24.1 tinkerbell2
  
  I never understood that logic – any burglar worth their salt would surely just lurk around at closing time (lurking being Burglary #101) and see if everyone leaves?
  
  Maybe that means I’d be a rotten (ie dead) burglar.
  
  Mar 21, 2011 at 8:29 am rating: 90
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#25 shwo!

This Household is protected by the bullets of Jacketed lead.

LORD, the Recoil kicks.

Magnum 356
Colt 45
Remington 30-06

How is it that you feel lucky to come against God’s Anointed, punk?

Mar 18, 2011 at 11:08 am rating: 90

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- #25.1 The Elf
  
  O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.
  
  Mar 18, 2011 at 12:03 pm rating: 90
- #25.2 shwo!
  
  1… 2… 5!
  
  Mar 18, 2011 at 12:44 pm rating: 90
- #25.3 Meesh
  
  3, sir!
  
  Mar 18, 2011 at 2:19 pm rating: 90
- #25.4 clumber
  
  Shwo! Dude, no no no, unless you’re in a bank vault you aren’t going to be wanting to use the Remy ought-six. The ought-six will go right on through all the walls in your house/store and well into the next building, and perhaps even the one after that. The cops probably don’t have ballistic line that long. Give ‘em a break!
  Instead invite to the slumber party Mossy 12g with double-aughts instead. Though we prefer our 20g Bennelli, the purpose will be fulfilled and the lead stays in the same room. Plus you just cannot beat the deterrence factor of a nice “ka-CHUNK” when racking a round.
  
  Mar 18, 2011 at 2:28 pm rating: 90
- #25.5 Worker 11811
  
  The only problem with shotguns is that they make such a mess. You’ll be patching drywall for a week. Ask me how I know.
  
  I prefer a .45 automatic with hollow points.
  
  You still get the deterrence of racking one in the chamber. It’ll knock down anything at close range but it doesn’t leave a big mess.
  
  Mar 19, 2011 at 10:28 pm rating: 90
- #25.6 The Elf
  
  I need to wear glasses and if I hear an intruder enter the house I might not be able to put my hands on them right away. So I vote for a fully automatic machine gun and multiple magazines. They’re pricey, but with a lot of paper work, a background investigation, a tax stamp, and part of your fourth amendment rights, you too can be a real assault weapons owner. Spray and pray, my dears, spray and pray.
  
  Mar 21, 2011 at 8:10 am rating: 90
- #25.7 clumber
  
  I’m moving in with Elf. Bestest toys.
  
  Mar 21, 2011 at 5:14 pm rating: 90
- #25.8 Worker 11811
  
  Just be careful not to step on the spent shell casings in your bare feet! HOT!
  
  Mar 21, 2011 at 9:57 pm rating: 90
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#26 autumn

The first note is kinda scary. You really want to break into a crazy person’s home?

Mar 18, 2011 at 11:30 am rating: 90

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#27 scientologist

I wasn’t going to break in, but I think I will because this looks like a good place to find a bible so I can look up those verses.

Mar 18, 2011 at 11:33 am rating: 90

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#28 Persephone

Wasn’t that Jesus fella the guy who said if someone takes your coat, offer your shirt as well? Is that why these people have his blood? Actually, it would be far more effective to write: “Any burglars will be prayed over and forgiven.” Much more in the passive-aggressive spirit, don’t you think? It would sure scare me off…

Mar 18, 2011 at 11:36 am rating: 90

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- #28.1 clumber
  
  Now now, thumpers get really really angry when you use their own secret invisible friend’s book to disprove their points. Trust me on that.
  
  Mar 18, 2011 at 2:31 pm rating: 90
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#29 Managed Hosting

Considering this is the season of Lent, I wouldn’t want to go against his Holiness in a battle of security. Although, I’m not sure if a potential burglar would be well versed in the Bible scriptures, especially off the top of their heads to reference the ones on the note. Like you said, guns may strike a little more fear in the morally objective…

Mar 18, 2011 at 6:29 pm rating: 90

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- #29.1 Kate from Iowa
  
  Good point, it is Lent! Why they should be happy to give up thier…
  
  …
  
  …
  
  Are we sure these people have anything to steal, even? I mean, just because they think it’s nice stuff doesn’t mean it’s not total crap.
  
  Anyway, they should be perfectly happy to live with nothing for the next 40 days.
  
  Mar 21, 2011 at 4:56 pm rating: 90
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#30 Dixie

If it’s not protected by the blood of a tiger or the DNA of Adonis, I’m not impressed.

Mar 18, 2011 at 11:19 pm rating: 90

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#31 ashmeadow

Maybe this only works vocally?

My mother always told me that if I was being attacked I should shout “Jesus” and “Lord Almighty” at the top of my lungs, and they would back off. I’m here to confess that this does in fact work on mysterious strangers following you.

I don’t know why they run as if the hounds of hell are chasing them, though.

Mar 19, 2011 at 3:04 am rating: 90

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- #31.1 park rose
  
  Everyone afears good ole homespun proselytizing, or at least the JW/Mormon variety. Even mysterious strangers.
  
  Mar 19, 2011 at 11:12 pm rating: 90
- #31.2 Canthz_B
  
  They run away because crazy people are unpredictable. Then there’s that unwritten rule about not taking advantage of retards…er, um…the mentally disabled. Muggers like to see a sane response from the muggee!
  
  Fact is, even those around you who were not following you would run for the hills at such a spontaneous outpouring of religious zeal…well, everyone except the guys in the white coats who’d show up a few minutes later to take you in for a psych evaluation at the nearest emergency room that is.
  
  My advice? Don’t tell the doctor there were “mysterious strangers following you.”
  I think they have a diagnosis at the ready for that.
  
  Mar 20, 2011 at 12:12 am rating: 90
- #31.3 Canthz_B
  
  Hey, Ashmeadow, I don’t think that would be a deterrent if your rapist thinks he’s the second coming. More of a validation I would imagine.
  
  Mar 20, 2011 at 12:30 am rating: 90
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#32 Maj. Mel Function

Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I’ll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger ’til it goes “click.” You said it, man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus.

Mar 19, 2011 at 3:09 am rating: 90

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- #32.1 anglophile
  
  Due to the fact that I finally broke down this week and watched The Big Lebowski, I can give you the thumb you deserve.
  
  Mar 19, 2011 at 8:17 am rating: 90
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#33 jaylin

My husband (who’s a general contractor and NOT a plumber, BTW) was recently called to fix a toilet. The lady explained that usually they pour some holy water down the toilet and pray, and that takes care of it, but this time they were out of holy water. DH called a plumber for her.

Mar 19, 2011 at 7:54 am rating: 90

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- #33.1 quat
  
  So Satan is at the root of clogged toilets. Ahhh. That explains it. Of course.
  
  Mar 21, 2011 at 9:59 pm rating: 90
- #33.2 Lauren--NY
  
  That is amazing.
  
  Mar 25, 2011 at 11:04 pm rating: 90
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#34 Odious

The funniest thing about it is that the person name-drops “Jesus” and then quotes from the Jewish bible instead. Yet another example of one of the flock who’s neither actually read the bible nor understands their own religion.

Mar 21, 2011 at 7:31 pm rating: 90

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- #34.1 Lauren--NY
  
  “Jewish bible?”
  
  Mar 25, 2011 at 11:04 pm rating: 90
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#35 oh shi---

Is it sad I live near the second note’s store.
The owner is a crazy……yeah.
He has a cot type thing in the pool room and everything.
The stores in grant county if anyone wants to see it.
and the signs still up too.

Mar 24, 2011 at 8:02 pm rating: 90

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#36 LizzyBean

I want to break into the house of the first note, and steal their sign, just to prove them wrong.

Mar 26, 2011 at 3:16 pm rating: 90

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#37 afwife

I have a redneck version of both:
This home is protected by God and a gun. If you are found here uninvited, you are liable to meet both.

I also saw this sign up on a junk yard once:
The premises are protected by guard dogs. Trespassers’ remains will be prosecuted.

Apr 9, 2011 at 12:30 pm rating: 90

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- #37.1 pony girl
  
  I saw one that said:
  Protected by.357 and guard dogs.
  Trespassers will be violated.
  
  ew.
  
  Apr 9, 2011 at 4:08 pm rating: 90
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