How to respectfully steal my food

June 15th, 2011 · 30 comments

Compared to the notes we usually see about food theft, Steven seems like a pretty reasonable guy. But isn’t “respectful stealing” still something of an oxymoron?

Right.. So.. Eat my bread? Fine. Rather it not get moldy but put it back in the right spot. But to the dumbass who ate my jam: You are an asshat. You left the jam open with no lid and left white fluffy shit around the edges. Then put it back. Who did you think was going to eat jam with fluffy shit in it? So yeah. Next time you want to steal food be respectful and steal so food doesn't go to waste. I hate that. —Steven

recent: That Outback bread was…

FILED UNDER: bread · food · roommates · Seattle · stealing · that's disrespectful

30 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Blue

    I picture someone using bread to scoop out jam. Thus leaving the offending fluffy white traces. Totally gross…

    Jun 15, 2011 at 11:13 pm   rating: 91  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   TickleMyBambo

      What’s so wrong with the thief using white fluffy cotton swaps to scoop into the jelly ? He is a guy that needs his daily evening jelly facial mask to help his dry skin problem. Not only is the jelly great for rejuvenating the skin, but it also tastes great with a piece of bread when it comes time to remove the mask and he needs something to wipe the jelly off. It’s not wasteful, actually this is ingenuity at it’s finest!

      Jun 16, 2011 at 1:15 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   Rattus

      I don’t wish to be more explicit, but it’s not jelly that you’re thinking of that makes a great mask. Not that kind of jelly, anyway.

      Jun 16, 2011 at 7:13 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   ligercorn

      I don’t think anyone is ready for this jelly.

      Jun 17, 2011 at 6:49 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #2   quat

    White, fluffy shit? But I thought that was fucking delicious. WTF?

    Jun 15, 2011 at 11:13 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #3   FeRD bang

    Obvious solution: Next time, steal all of the food. This will ensure that none goes to waste.

    Jun 15, 2011 at 11:13 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #4   So, um, yeah . . . eh

    Judging by the absurdly affable tone in response to food theft, and without the requisite info from Kerry, I HAVE to assume this note comes to us from Canada.

    It should end with, “Don’t be a fluffy hoser!”

    Jun 15, 2011 at 11:32 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Steven

      That sounds aboot right.

      Jun 16, 2011 at 10:12 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   Canthz_B bang

      Can’t…it doesn’t end with “eh”

      Jun 17, 2011 at 11:34 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #5   sb

    oh my god, i think i know who wrote this. the name fits, the handwriting is a dead ringer, and this sounds JUST LIKE HIM.


    Jun 15, 2011 at 11:39 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   bees

      actually, i was just thinking the same thing. same handwriting, name, and sounds like something he would say…

      Jun 20, 2011 at 10:47 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #6   AuntyBron

    It makes perfect sense to me. Notewriter knows that the food thief isn’t going to stop stealing so he is asking the thief to be considerate when he steals.

    Jun 15, 2011 at 11:42 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #7   Michelle

    I think I used to work with this guy. Love the handwriting.

    Jun 15, 2011 at 11:50 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #8   meri

    This is why I buy jam in a squeeze bottle.

    Jun 16, 2011 at 12:05 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #9   veej

    Satan’s furry jam-hats.

    Jun 16, 2011 at 12:26 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #10   Leonna

    mmm marshmallow fluff! Why’d he complain?

    Jun 16, 2011 at 12:42 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #11   TickleMyBambo

    To avoid future mishaps and resentful feelings, Steven should help the food thief out by leaving a diagram that illustrates proper bread stealing and jam dipping techniques for the thief to put to good use. That way the thief is a productively polite food stealing member of society and Steven will feel better not having to see his food being wasted. It’s a perfect win/ win for both parties.

    Jun 16, 2011 at 12:58 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Sensible Madness bang

      I don’t see how a diagram would help, unless he can find a way to compare improper food theft with peeing on a wall and proper food theft with surreptitiously peeing on a couch. Otherwise, it’s just going to cause needless confusion.

      Jun 16, 2011 at 1:43 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.2   TickleMyBambo

      Good food stealing etiquette and handling.

      *Take out a single slice of bread. Roll it tightly up like you would a burrito, than proceed to bring the bread straight down into the jam jar at an 90° angle. Pretending like you’re handling a delicate flower, carefully enter into the depths of the jar and lightly dip the bread in the jam until you lather the bread up with enough jam to satisfy your drooling palate. Than slowly sneak the bread out of the jar, being cautious as to not scrape both the inside walls and the outside rim of the jar. You don’t want to leave any white fluffy crumbs behind cause not only does that ruin the quality of the jam, but it’s just downright wasteful and sloppy. Now that the bread is out and no mess is left behind, take a victory bite out of your delicious jam covered piece of bread. You deserved it!

      **Extra double dipping privileges will be rewarded if you remember to put the lid back on the jar and tie the bread bag up. Also by doing so, this will earn you tons of respect by Steven and everyone else. Remember, if you want free food to mooch from.. You must be in good graces with the owners of said mooched food.

      *** (optional, but would be nice) Why don’t you show a little appreciation to Steven and every other person you’ve “borrowed” food from by perhaps buying a loaf of bread and jam and allow for everyone to take as they please. If you can’t ask before eating other peoples food, than at least give back what you’ve stolen every once in a while to show that you’re capable of giving as well as receiving.

      The No-No’s to food stealing and handling.

      – Carelessly thrusting the bread down into the jar and scooping it out at a 45° angle will result in a total jampoloypse! Sticky globs of chaos with fluffy white bits left over in the jar. To treat and violate another persons food like a slatternly clumsy one night stand is unacceptable and disgusting! You’re an asshat for doing that.

      – If you’re having trouble keeping your late night snack heists mess free. You could either follow the suggestions above or politely ask that butter knives be provided. If not, than simply buy yourself a set at the dollar store. This will easily save yourself and everyone else the trouble of having to deal with the disgusting sight of stale moldy food ( Seriously, nobody wants to eat that shit!) that resulted from your negligence due to you not handling the food properly after use.

      A little bit of common courtesy goes a long ways. Be a good, respectable, food thief and fucking deliciously good things like bread and jam will come your way :).

      Jun 16, 2011 at 9:41 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #12   jellyfish

    Um….that white fluffy shit around the edges is mold. Look on the bright side – that jam is probably going to give the thief a case of diarrhea.

    Jun 16, 2011 at 6:49 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #13   Funny

    Bad steal you!

    Jun 16, 2011 at 7:48 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   TKD


      Jun 16, 2011 at 12:16 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #14   Elmo

    Find the person who eats Fluffernutter and Jelly sandwiches and the culprit’s sticky fingers will be evidence enough to convict.

    Jun 16, 2011 at 3:03 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #15   Belle

    I think he found mold on the jam and didn’t understand that it grew there over time of its own accord. The only possible explanation? Someone MUST have gotten into it and left “fluffy, white stuff”. LOL

    Jun 16, 2011 at 3:26 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #16   Chesire Cat

    This note seems very reasonable if what he says is true. If you are going to take someone’s food at least don’t ruin it too! Goodness!

    Jun 16, 2011 at 7:57 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #17   Who, me?

    I guess the peanut butter escaped unscathed.

    Jun 16, 2011 at 10:03 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   park rose

      It repelled down the jam jar. All those abseiling lessons came in handy. Though when it came to the crunchy, it had to refer to Aron Ralston for the ultimate break. So unscathed? I’m not sure. Got away? I think so. Hackneyed? In one way or another. Out on a limb, or without one? Definitely. Shirley MacClaine? Here’s your cue. Drunk? I think so.

      Jun 17, 2011 at 11:23 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #18   Canthz_B bang

    I hope the thief is not his protégé. Sometimes it pays to know what side your bread is buttered on to avoid getting jammed up at work.

    Jun 16, 2011 at 11:43 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Dallas_Gal

      That was painfully pun-nacious, CB. My ears are still ringing.

      Jun 17, 2011 at 3:29 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #19   sydney

    Whats an asshat? Is it anything like a fascinator?

    Jun 27, 2011 at 10:24 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up


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