Jillian and her roommates in Massachusetts recently found this note — which goes from 0 to 60 in half a page — outside their apartment door. At the time it was left, says Jillian: “None of us were home except the dog, who apparently needs to lose weight.”
But hey, neighbor? Even if they had been home, ignoring a knock hardly seems grounds for jumping straight to burning the mail. Apparently it is not a good month for chilling the fuck out.
related: (Don’t Fear) The Creeper
110 responses so far ↓
#1
james
Take that note right to the police and report their threat of a federal offense, which is what burning the mail would be…
Jun 23, 2011 at 10:31 pm rating: 91
#2
Mel
This is absolutely hilarious!!!!!
Jun 23, 2011 at 10:32 pm rating: 90
#3
Quite Contrary
Dear Bitch,
NO. Not a good month to be a bitch. It’s months like this that are the reason you are home and we are not.
All the best,
The Girls
Jun 23, 2011 at 10:36 pm rating: 90
#4
Cathryn Bauer
YIKES. I have seen people on trial for violent felonies that weren’t half as scary as this. Yeah, it is darkly funny like a lot in this site. But this is another category entirely.
Jun 23, 2011 at 10:37 pm rating: 90
#5
Jess
Perfect. This is completely perfect.
Jun 23, 2011 at 10:37 pm rating: 90
#6
Cherry
..and the time after that? Sheezus!!!
Jun 23, 2011 at 10:38 pm rating: 90
#7
TippingCows
How do they know that someone upstairs has clown feet? By the way, November is National It’s Good to Be a Bitch Month. GET WITH IT.
BTW Mail burning can get yo’ ass in jail, skinny brain.
Jun 23, 2011 at 10:40 pm rating: 90
#8
halo
Oh they HAVE to write back, as the dog. As a sensitive-about-his-weight dog.
Jun 23, 2011 at 10:41 pm rating: 90
#9
Kay
Get a load of those obese feet! I am serious. Triple-wide men’s sizes are not big enough for the thickness of those toes, the flab on their feet.
Jun 23, 2011 at 10:41 pm rating: 90
#10
katie_2256
Crazy note-writer is crazy.
SRSLY. Who get’s that angry about mail being wrongly delivered to them?
Jun 23, 2011 at 10:42 pm rating: 91
#11
Diana
I hear the voice of the comic bookstore guy–you know, from the Simpsons–when I read this note.
Jun 23, 2011 at 10:42 pm rating: 90
#12
Val_kyrie
This is what happens when all their cycles are in sync with each other.
Jun 23, 2011 at 10:44 pm rating: 90
#13
JetJackson
I wouldn’t be surprised if the next time the neighbour uses an axe to knock on the door… “Here’s Johnny!”
Seriously – Team ‘Move the f-ck out asap!’
Jun 23, 2011 at 10:44 pm rating: 90
#14
dixiechick
Bitch: We’ve been up here conducting a little breeding experiment with Spite and Arrogance–it was *their* obese feet you were hearing earlier. Watch your mail for a package rightfully delivered to you. XOXO
Jun 23, 2011 at 10:44 pm rating: 90
#15
TippingCows
Hi,
Thanks for bringing us our mail out of the kindness of your heart. Unfortunately for us, or dog doesn’t have opposable thumbs (trust us, we’ve tried to get her to do laundry, clean the toilet, paint our nails, etc.) so she cannot open doors. In fact, in the event she figured out how to turn a doorknob we’ve instructed her not to open the door for strangers.
Thanks for your note – I’ll be keeping it in case something suspicious happens to us or our property. You will be the first person we accuse, and this note will serve as great supporting evidence.
Sincerely,
Fat Footed Girls
(we make the rockin’ world go round)
Jun 23, 2011 at 10:48 pm rating: 90
#16
lagne
Dear Neighborly Neighbor,
If you choose to burn our mail, we request you do so using only fragrance-free smoke. Apparently my mail gets around, and I have asked numerous times for all to comply, but some resist or forget, or cannot figure out how the hell smoke can be fragrance-free. I will give you two months to figure it out, after which point I will begin repeatedly hurling my obese ass at my floor until it breaks through your ceiling.
Maybe I’m an ass, or maybe it’s my ass, or maybe you’re a psychotic bitch.
Thank you,
alan
Jun 23, 2011 at 11:07 pm rating: 90
#17
Kathleen
Out of the kindness of her heart? Apparently taking this bit of mail used up all the kindness of her heart she had left.
Jun 23, 2011 at 11:46 pm rating: 90
#18
AuntyBron
Shit! She went from kindly neighbor to psycho-bitch in 3 sentences!
Jun 24, 2011 at 12:01 am rating: 90
#19
Diggerjohn
“Dear Neighbour, it maybe time to seek out professional help.”
Jun 24, 2011 at 1:18 am rating: 90
#20
James L.
Beautiful handwriting, for a psycho.
Jun 24, 2011 at 1:25 am rating: 90
#21
Sarah
Bitch has nice handwriting
Jun 24, 2011 at 1:31 am rating: 90
#22
Canthz_B
See, some manifestations of agoraphobia can be a good thing.
At least they’d be home to answer, if not open, the door.
Jun 24, 2011 at 3:03 am rating: 90
#23
Ms. Jade
Wow, “obese feet”?…We had to go there? Maybe their deaf grandma with a broken walker made those “obese feet” noises! Never thought that you’d be insulting gimpy deaf granny, did ya “Ms. Good Month To Be A Bitch”!?
Jun 24, 2011 at 3:08 am rating: 90
#24
Nim
I think this is pretty PA from the start. Anything that starts with ‘Girls’ comes across as very patronising to me. I can just smell the middle-aged resentment.
Also why didn’t she just put it in their mailbox/pigeonhole? Seems like she was fishing for a ‘oh how nice of you’ compliment, and got annoyed when it didn’t happen.
Jun 24, 2011 at 3:42 am rating: 90
#25
Elwing
Somehow I feel like the last line should say “It’s a good time of the month to be a bitch.” That would at least make a little sense.
Jun 24, 2011 at 3:45 am rating: 90
#26
Sarahj259
I think that there is more to this note than meets the eye. I picture the notewriter as a lonely anti-social male/lesbian who is paranoid and believes that all moderately attractive women are out to spite and scorn him/her. So when the door wasn’t opened he/she pictured Jillian and her roomates giggling behind the door, not opening the door with the sole purpose of mocking him/her. The bitch comment no doubt comes from a long history of imaginary slights by Jillian and the girls. Including but not limited to walking past him/her in the hallway and not saying hello or stopping to talk when his/her heavy breathing clearly indicated that he/she would be open for a chat or interpreting his/her dark stares as creepy rather than loving and friendly stares. His/Her paranoia has convinced him/her that the girls do notice him/her but that they think that they are better than him/her, thus he/she concludes that they are arrogant bitches who are too fat for his/her tastes anyways and it’s their loss because he/she is a special little boy/girl just like his/her mommy always said.
Jun 24, 2011 at 3:47 am rating: 90
#27
Lary
There has to be a back story to this. It’s just pathetic. How much attention do people need for simply dropping off the mail? In today’s society, the answer appears to be: a back scratch, 3 therapy sessions, and a girlfriend.
Jun 24, 2011 at 3:58 am rating: 90
#28
Ms. Austen
I believe it is a man also, because except for towards the end of the note it is mostly printed, and women usually do not print. I took the “good month to be a bitch” sentence to be referring to the fat-footed neighbors, not the writer himself. How dare Jillian and her friends not be home when he exerted himself to climb that flight of stairs and deliver their mail??
In addition to alerting the police about the potential federal offense of mail burning as others suggest, I would definitely alert the landlord to be on the lookout for a disgruntled pyromaniac. Your “normal” person would make the trip back downstairs and then upstairs to write and leave a note about throwing away the mail next time – not burning it.
Jun 24, 2011 at 6:38 am rating: 90
#29
Kathy
Geez. I’d knock once, wait five seconds. If no answer, just drop the freaking mail and leave. Anger like bitch’s will take years off your life.
Jun 24, 2011 at 6:58 am rating: 90
#30
Saif Imtiaz Pias
What kind of bullshit is this?Is the man really gone mad?
Jun 24, 2011 at 7:03 am rating: 90
#31
GiGi
Sometimes it’s nice to clomp around, but I suppose that small pleasure is not worth the trouble.
Jun 24, 2011 at 7:13 am rating: 90
#32
Adriana
Jillian and her roommates shouldn’t respond by note. Passive-aggressive a-holes write notes because they’re afraid of in-person confrontation, so that’s exactly what she should do – confront the downstairs neighbor. But be polite with a dash of condescending lecture. When Jillian and roommates tell her that they weren’t home and that the obese feet she heard must’ve been from their dog, the look of embarrassment on her face will be priceless.
Jun 24, 2011 at 8:09 am rating: 90
#33
PoochTooter
I’d like to see just how obese this dog actually is.
Jun 24, 2011 at 8:12 am rating: 90
#34
kateriawit
I’d be thanking my lucky stars I wasn’t home to answer the door. Imagine having been home, answer the door and meeting the goodness of her heart, bringing her into your life and then SHEBANG!!!…psycho bitch from hell is in the middle of your life. UGH.
Jun 24, 2011 at 8:57 am rating: 90
#35
Junebug
When she says “bitch” is she referring to the obese dog? Because I would say being alone in the apartment while a crazy person beats on your door would make it a very bad month to be a bitch.
Jun 24, 2011 at 10:44 am rating: 90
#36
MOG
Serously, “goodness of my heart”???? I’m with the “doggie present” at his/her doorstep.
Jun 24, 2011 at 11:32 am rating: 90
#37
juniper
I know exactly what has happened here.
From her handwriting, one can see that she is the author of that series of greeting cards that are WAY overly sentimental and heart-felt. You know the ones… they have a card for every occassion, including ‘that time that I made a pass at you but you turned me down because you’re gay but I still love you and will have your baby in you want.’
After years of churning out disgustingly heartfelt inanity, she’s finally snapped over some mail and Jack Russell paws. (You know it’s a JR – they do such things simply out of gleeful spite)
Jun 24, 2011 at 11:47 am rating: 90
#38
Chesire Cat
Burning the mail would be a federal offense. I would turn this into the landlord and the post office or police honestly. I may not right away but I would hold on to the letter and if I have any missing mail or any trouble out of him, well he is going to jail.
Jun 24, 2011 at 12:57 pm rating: 90
#39
The Elf
I’m beginning to revise my opinion about Mos Eisley being a wretched hive of scum and villany. Between Mail Bitch, Alan The Laundry Lord, and assorted other PANs on this site, I think apartments now qualify.
Jun 24, 2011 at 12:58 pm rating: 90
#40
Bel
This looks like a note my father’s girlfriend would write. She’s a huge bitch. Only, she’d read the mail first to see if there was anything juicy, then burn it.
Jun 24, 2011 at 1:52 pm rating: 90
#41
bookworm
June is Federal Crimes Month! Yay!
Jun 24, 2011 at 2:25 pm rating: 90
#42
meri
This is gonna rank when we vote on best PA note at the end of the year. Yikes!
Jun 24, 2011 at 2:39 pm rating: 90
#43
EmKitteh
Wrongly, not wrongfully. And I’m pretty sure the law has something to say about burning someone else’s mail.
Jun 24, 2011 at 10:33 pm rating: 90
#44
humorless
I’m remembering all the times someone knocked on my apartment door, I wasn’t expecting anyone (because they’d have buzzed at the front door) and I just ignored it. I am so glad I did, but if any of my neighbors burned my publisher’s clearinghouse check, I’m going to be furious.
Jun 25, 2011 at 2:48 am rating: 90
#45
Keshling
‘….your obese feet tromp along OUR ceiling…’
The plot thickens!
Jun 26, 2011 at 5:42 pm rating: 90
#46
Dr. Jim
Has anyone considered that the writer WAS writing the note to the dog? Crazy does not descriminate.
Jun 27, 2011 at 1:48 pm rating: 90
#47
Eileen
Do we know where in Massachusetts it is? My sister may have lived down the hall from this woman.
Jun 27, 2011 at 7:27 pm rating: 90
#48
liddy
I think I read about this person in a case study for my abnormal psych class.
Jun 29, 2011 at 8:52 pm rating: 90
#49
Pay The Piper
I’m totally scared of the note-writer. Very creepy!
Jul 1, 2011 at 5:13 am rating: 90
#50
Andy
What a bitch! How does she think that note makes the dog feel?!
Jul 7, 2011 at 7:27 am rating: 90
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