Your Ultra Charmin Neighbor

November 21st, 2011 · 61 comments

Writes our submitter in Philadelphia: “In our apartment building, packages are left by the block of mailboxes, relatively near where your individual mailbox is. I’ve never had a problem, but apparently not everyone was so lucky…this sign was on every floor of the building.”

Dear whoever stole my Amazon package: I can understand your need for 30 rolls of toilet paper considering you're a huge asshole. Enjoy, Your Friendly Neighbor

related: I hope your cat chokes.

FILED UNDER: most popular notes of 2011 · neighbors · Philadelphia · stealing · toilet paper

61 responses so far ↓

  • #1   unsatisfied

    nope. nothing to add to that.

    Nov 21, 2011 at 2:45 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #2   FatBela

    Oh for God’s sake. Don’t be so petty. Just wipe the slate clean, and get along with your neighbor, however annoying…

    Nov 21, 2011 at 2:47 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   A. Fox

      Since it was just toilet paper (seriously? Toilet paper?), it’s easy to say “who cares?” – but the thief didn’t know what was in the package. I would be more pissed about the delivery people leaving my package out in the open.

      Nov 21, 2011 at 2:50 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   Lil'

      I’m guessing you would feel differently if your package was stolen. Besides, he won’t be wiping anything clean now that his toilet paper is gone.

      Nov 21, 2011 at 3:29 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.3   Chesire Cat

      Dude whatever, theft is theft. If my neighbors steals something from me and I no longer going to be on good terms with them till they apologize and return what they stole. I may not know who it was so I won’t treat everyone awful but I totally might investigate to find out who did it and try to trap them again.

      Nov 21, 2011 at 3:29 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.4   Charlie

      It’s a large enough building to have an elevator, so there are probably plenty of people in and out who are visitors, workers, pizza delivery people, etc. The writer should not be assuming the thief is a neighbor.

      Nov 21, 2011 at 7:20 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.5   The Elf

      True, in an apartment complex, it could be anyone.

      This is different from a loud Saturday night or smoke smell. This is outright theft.

      I think there’s a shipping option that allows for local pick-up at the nearest UPS/Fed-Ex store. Maybe that’s the best option for the apartment dweller. Then again, there’s probably a reason why they ordered TP instead of running out and getting some at the local market, so maybe not.

      Nov 22, 2011 at 9:25 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.6   unsatisfied

      it would be much easier to “wipe the slate clean” if someone hadn’t stolen the toilet paper.

      Nov 22, 2011 at 11:16 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #3   A. Fox

    Who orders toilet paper from Amazon? Why is this a thing?

    Nov 21, 2011 at 2:49 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Chesire Cat

      I don’t do it but a lot of people I know do. My best friends have Amazon prime so they can order whatever they want for free. They order all kinds of crap that way, diapers, baby food, toilet paper, etc because they can get a good deal and don’t have to go shop for it so I guess win/win.

      Nov 21, 2011 at 3:31 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   aliceblue

      They have to do something with all those unsold Palin books.

      Nov 21, 2011 at 5:38 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.3   anon

      I have amazon prime and I also work 60+ hours a week, so I have been known to buy household consumables online. No hassling with parking and waiting in line at the grocery store, amazon is often cheaper, and no sales tax. Sounds like a win/win situation to me.

      Nov 21, 2011 at 6:00 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.4   Mel K

      Not only can one purchase toilet paper on Amazon, one can also leave reviews. Disturbing and compelling at the same time.

      Agree with 6.1, well done to the note writer for not using center alignment, excessive exclamation marks or clip art.

      Nov 22, 2011 at 3:40 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.5   Grant

      I use a Kindle. Wipes clean (ish).

      Nov 22, 2011 at 4:38 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.6   Jami

      Agoraphobics? Though apparently this one can leave their apartment, but maybe they refuse to leave the building.

      Nov 22, 2011 at 10:52 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #4   Kate

    You order toilet paper from Amazon? WTH?

    Nov 21, 2011 at 2:53 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   makfan bang

      How is it any worse than buying 96 rolls in one visit to Costco?

      Nov 21, 2011 at 7:36 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #5   Jason

    Finally! Someone who knows the difference between you’re and your!

    Nov 21, 2011 at 2:55 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #6   jezzielea

    Is toilet paper like an add-on purchase for people who only read on the toilet? Bravo, Amazon. Nice marketing skills. I am also impressed that whoever wrote the sign used “you’re” & “your” correctly. Well done, everyone.

    Nov 21, 2011 at 2:55 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Who passed out the Haterade?

      The correct use of you’re / your might be enough by itself, but on top of that, for once they really are the wronged party. Not to mention the brevity and wit… and it’s all in one font with no clip art or illustrative drawings.

      I’d give it a 9.75.

      Nov 21, 2011 at 10:57 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #7   josh

    “Woah, this box full of Kindles is really light, but there has to be 80 of them in here judging for the size! Ahhh man….”

    Nov 21, 2011 at 3:11 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Katryn

      Ha, that was my first thought, too — how disappointing for the thief!

      Nov 26, 2011 at 2:38 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #8   Lil'

    I guess “Scott’s” roommates finally found a way to meet their TP obligations. Roommates: one. Terrorists: zero.

    Nov 21, 2011 at 3:24 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   aliceblue

      Baby JC is smiling son “Scott” but will smite A. Hole.

      Nov 21, 2011 at 5:39 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #9   Smokey

    What an asswipe!

    Nov 21, 2011 at 3:36 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #10   Kate

    I used to buy TP from amazon, when I didn’t own a car. TP is no fun to carry home on a bicycle or by hand if you buy anything but the smallest quantities.

    Nov 21, 2011 at 3:44 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   josh

      Do you really need more then two rolls at once though?

      Nov 21, 2011 at 6:27 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #10.2   Rattus

      I still don’t own a car and I’ve brought home on the back of my bike: an oil painting, a coat rack, an office chair AND groceries (same trip – used a lot of bungie cords), a lawn chair, a piano stool, a cast iron fireplace insert, ten lengths of copper pipe, and rocks for the rock garden. I could carry home 96 rolls on the back of my bike. 192 if I used the bike trailer.

      Nov 21, 2011 at 7:33 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #10.3   infant tyrone bang

      Dear Rattus Utilis,

      I realize that I may be outside of your service area…
      but there is this rock I’ve been trying to move.

      Hoping against hope that you can help,
      Sisyphus Rex

      Nov 21, 2011 at 8:01 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #10.4   Rattus

      Sorry, Sisyphus, but I don’t do hills.

      Nov 21, 2011 at 8:15 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #10.5   Nunavut Guy

      Annie and I moved a full sized chesterfield on our ATV last year. She was perched majestically on top of it for a counter balance.Looked just like the Beverly Hillbillies(but with snow).

      Nov 21, 2011 at 8:25 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #10.6   Chesire Cat

      Seriously? I use like two rolls a day in this household. Granted we have four people here but still. We never bring home anything less than a 12 pack here.

      Nov 21, 2011 at 8:50 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #10.7   infant tyrone bang

      Oh, well…we’ll always have Paris. :-)

      P.S. If Paris isn’t your type…maybe Helen ?

      Nov 21, 2011 at 9:00 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #10.8   Canthz_B bang

      You guys are wimps, Atlas carries the whole world upon his shoulders, and must use a shit-load of toilet paper from Amazon, if you consider how large his pucker-point must be.

      Nov 21, 2011 at 10:09 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #10.9   infant tyrone bang

      Yeah, that dude uses so much Charmin he set up a nationwide fleet of trucks to bring him the TP. Supposedly they haul other people’s stuff from place to place, but everybody knows what Atlas Van Lines is really for.

      And speaking of movies (well, technically we were on about pucker points and characters of mythic proportions), the “you’re a huge asshole” in this note made me wonder if Welles’ use of the term Rosebud was a bit of a none-too-cryptic slam at Kane/Hearst.

      And, CB, just between us…if Atlas has the world in his hands,
      then who in the world, or just off of it, is doing the wiping.
      Just to be on the safe side, I’m axing cookies from my diet.
      I’ve always had some deep, dark suspicions about those Keebler Elves.
      EL Fudge ? Really don’t need an NSA crypto-analyst here do we ?

      Nov 21, 2011 at 11:13 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #11   po4tjkope3rferwqggqwefgr

    Dear internet users:
    It is no longer 1997, and amazon sells a lot more than books.
    Hell, I bought a car exhaust system from amazon.
    It didn’t even come wrapped, they just slapped the waybill on it.

    Nov 21, 2011 at 3:50 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   The Elf

      Yeah, I once ordered some handcuffs and leg cuffs (for a Halloween costume, getcher mind outta the gutter) from Amazon. The best part was seeing what popped up on the “customers who bought this item also bought” selection.

      I saw a gimp mask, a sex toy, lingerie, and a large bag of assorted polyhedral dice. Oddly, the last one scares me the most.

      Nov 22, 2011 at 9:57 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.2   infant tyrone bang

      Sounds like you were generally cool with the assortment of toys
      until those damned dice appeared.
      Was the fear related specifically to transhexahedronal indeterminacy ?
      Maybe you’re more at ease with the dungeon motif than you seem to realize, but get uncomfortable if someone brings a dragon into it.

      Maybe this will make the firebreather less threatening…or not :-)

      Nov 22, 2011 at 10:57 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.3   The Elf

      Well, it’s because I enjoy D&D where these dice have been used, but I’ve never played a Lawful Sadistic Rogue (max backstab!) before. The idea that someone made a D&D game where such items would be used as props makes me wonder exactly what their gaming nights must be like. And then I want to drown myself.

      Nov 22, 2011 at 1:46 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.4   infant tyrone bang

      Lawful Sadistic Rogue !
      Hah ! in my best version of a Chris Matthews-ish laugh of appreciation

      Their gaming nights ? Crits in pink ? White ?

      Nov 23, 2011 at 4:27 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #12   infant tyrone bang

    a) go to & search “toilet paper’
    b) go to page 3…select #46 (Charmin Ultra)

    Toward the middle of this page, below the Customers Who Viewed This Item Also Viewed section and above the Customer Reviews section is a “middle ground” which says Looking for “toilet paper” Products?
    Other customers suggested these items:

    Products #3,4,5 shown there are regular “other” toilet paper products.
    The first two products there are these books…
    1) The Rogue: Searching for the Real Sarah Palin $13.99
    2) Where’s the Birth Certificate?: The Case that Barack Obama is not Eligible to be President $14.25

    Is Amazon on a fishing expedition here ?
    Are they experimenting to see how many of their uber-rich liberal customers they can shock into getting metaphorical wild hairs up their asses and ordering one or both of these as an actual (occasional ? special occasional ? everyday ?) substitute for the Charmin ?

    If you’re truly quite desperate, go right ahead and work for Amazon Customer Service over the holiday season. But if you are and if you do, brace yourself for the inevitable shitstorm that is coming your way when the TP(arty) notices this clearly blasphemous editorial juxtaposition.

    Nov 21, 2011 at 4:42 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Canthz_B bang

      I’d wipe my ass with the pages of Sarah Palin’s book as it’s probably pretty soft reading.

      Nov 21, 2011 at 10:15 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #12.2   Adam

      The other recommended items are the result of suggestions from other Amazon users, not anybody affiliated with the Web site.

      Nov 22, 2011 at 1:45 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #12.3   Reepicheep-chan

      Basically what these results are telling us is that only ultra-conservatives order toliet paper from amazon.

      Nov 22, 2011 at 1:12 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #13   ha ha hee hee

    My boyfriend orders his loo roll online. Nothing wrong about it.

    But the thief was wrong. That poor man will have to use his hand until his next Amazon order comes through.

    Nov 21, 2011 at 5:01 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Jimmy James

      Use his hand? I think I’d at least try and figure out the three seashells before I resorted to that.

      Nov 22, 2011 at 9:12 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #13.2   unsatisfied

      on our fraternity pledge trip to another university, the room that we had to stay in had no toilet paper. and, we were too baked to bother with going out to actually buy a new roll. so, one of my pledge brothers used one of his socks and tossed it out the window. tell me that he didn’t earn his nickname “mcguyver”.

      Nov 22, 2011 at 11:23 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #13.3   FeRD bang

      Bah! A true problem-solver would have used your sock, and then turned it inside-out! :twisted:

      Nov 23, 2011 at 3:24 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #13.4   infant tyrone bang

      Sometimes “evil genius” means just what it says.

      I live in a climate and culture where I only feel
      the need to wear socks maybe 3-4 times a year,
      but I’m going to try to cut that down to zero,
      or else look into moving again. :-)

      Nov 23, 2011 at 5:22 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #14   Pooper

    I buy charming from Amazon all the time. I have two very young children that can’t even crawl and are hard to cart around to the stores. The box it comes in is emblazoned with “Charmin” on all 4 sides. The tp is wrapped in 12 roll packs. The box has an opening so you can see exactly what is in the box. So, the thief probably has a couple bathrooms to keep stocked, a couple girls living in the house, and is a huge asshole.

    Nov 21, 2011 at 11:55 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #15   Dr. Chalkwitheringlicktacklefeff

    Who orders toilet paper from Amazon? I mean, it’s a free country so you can if you want to, but…why?

    Nov 22, 2011 at 11:03 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   infant tyrone bang

      In researching #12, I noticed that many of the TP items were available for free shipping. There are even 6-packs of 82 oz. bottles of Clorox that qualify for free shipping. They probably have free shipping available for some surveillance equipment that could help prevent theft in apartment buildings, but I didn’t research that, so maybe they don’t.

      Sure, the prices are generally higher than for identical items from different Amazon sub-vendors that don’t offer free shipping, but if you live a long way from where you would otherwise get TP, bleach, etc. then you may be able to use Amazon’s B2B arrangement with UPS and others to save you money on gas and auto wear & tear…not to mention the time involved in a trip to and from a store a long way from home…time that could be much better spent thinking of things to post here on PAN, a damn good site that, now that I think of it, could do a damn sight better in acknowledging the multitude of inadvertent favors done for it by the unwittingly charitable powerhouse that is Amazon.

      Nov 22, 2011 at 12:21 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #15.2   Katie

      I’ve ordered all manner of things from Amazon before – cleaning products, odds and ends, cat litter… and if I found a good deal I’d certainly order toilet paper. I take public transit and usually I just toss a package of it in a bag (or a backpack if that’s not full of stuff) but there have definitely been times that I wished I didn’t have to awkwardly lug that home in addition to the other groceries, especially if the bus is crowded.

      My MIL walks to the store whenever she needs anything as she no longer has a car, and I’m betting if she had Prime she’d order it online too. I’m honestly a little surprised that people are so boggled by the concept of people not wanting to lug bulky items home if they can avoid it.

      Nov 22, 2011 at 3:22 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #15.3   Kara

      Disability, agoraphobia, distance to nearest grocery store, bulk buy discount, buying other stuff from Amazon anyway…?

      Nov 24, 2011 at 2:50 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #16   Dr George

    Ummm who the hell buys their toilet paper from Amazon?
    Do they get their milk from there as well?

    Nov 23, 2011 at 4:54 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Kara

      You’ve clearly never had to awkwardly lug a large pack of toilet paper home amongst lots of heavy shopping. I only live 10 minutes from the supermarket and even that is unbelievably difficult to manage. Imagine if you lived further and didn’t have a car. It’s not exactly like buses are the easiest place to take your shopping, especially when they’re crowded.

      Nov 24, 2011 at 2:59 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #17   Ruth

    Why is everyone so surprised and fascinated by buying toilet roll online? Have you not heard of online supermarket shopping? It’s the same, it’s just with amazon instead. Amazon is more of a department store than a book shop now and it has been for years, so I really don’t get all the fuss.

    Nov 24, 2011 at 7:31 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #18   noname

    Are we really at a point where we’re so surprised to see people use “you’re” and “your” correctly that we think they deserve special praise?

    Nov 24, 2011 at 11:58 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   infant tyrone bang

      Yer right…special praise is unnecessary and maybe counterproductive.
      A pat on the back and an “Attaboy” or “Attagirl” should be enough.

      It’s a two-edged sword, each with its very own very slippery slope…
      No praise = no motivation = next thing you know, nobody will
      remember the difference between its and it’s.
      Overpraise = rockstar/diva complexes = folks will walk into bars
      and expect free drinks and even oral sex just for explaining what
      “Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.” means.

      Nov 25, 2011 at 12:32 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #19   Tesselara

    Awesome note! WIN! I hate it when people steal things from me. “Huge asshole” Win.

    Dec 1, 2011 at 9:27 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up


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