Heidi says what started off as a simple request turned into a whiteboard snark-off at the natural foods store where she works in (where else?) Portland.
[FIXED]
related: Your punishment for forgetting your reusable bags
extra credit: Day in the Life of a Passive-Aggressive Vegan Grocery Store Clerk [mcsweeneys.net]
64 responses so far ↓
#1
PORTLANDIA
PUT A BIRD ON IT!
Feb 27, 2012 at 11:18 pm rating: 90
#2
Tabitha
Oh my, that made me laugh so much.
Feb 27, 2012 at 11:23 pm rating: 90
#3
lagne
ah, dietary sanctimony.
first-world problems.
Feb 27, 2012 at 11:34 pm rating: 90
#4
divvitar
Screw your green beans. Pass the Lox with those bagels, and don’t forget the cream cheese! REGULAR cream cheese, too; not that plastic, spackle-tasting fat free crap.
Feb 27, 2012 at 11:44 pm rating: 90
#5
infanttyrone
WTF did that foo’ bird just drop on my bagel ?
Well, Heidi, just be glad you aren’t down south in Ashland, where a scatological Shakespeare buff might have dirtied up the white board
with a realia-intensive exposition of the double meaning inherent in
“All that glisters is not gold”…that can put a vegan off their tempeh.
Feb 27, 2012 at 11:50 pm rating: 90
#6
shwo!
Knives are worse for you.
Feb 27, 2012 at 11:51 pm rating: 90
#7
asdc
Gluten Freers – the latest fad making the sanctimonious and overbearing Vegans look like the soul of kindness and tact.
Feb 28, 2012 at 12:00 am rating: 90
#8
Donna
Put a bird on it!!!!
Feb 28, 2012 at 12:27 am rating: 90
#9
Earl
This is what happens when natural selection is overcome by technology. We get people with celiac disease, peanut allergies and autism. Unpopular, insensitive but true.
Feb 28, 2012 at 1:18 am rating: 90
#10
Bert
Yeah, it’s half a century of technology and a few years of half-decent education that’s the CAUSE of these problems, that’s right! They just coincidentally appeared when we became intelligent enough to identify them.
Feb 28, 2012 at 3:08 am rating: 90
#11
valerie
so, by portland, do you mean oregan? or maine? portland is the name of the biggest city in more than one state, you know.
Feb 28, 2012 at 4:53 am rating: 90
#12
Kellie T
That would be Portland, Oregon. Watching the hilarious “Portlandia” series on Netflix would let you in on the “Put a bird on it” joke in the above thread, also.
Feb 28, 2012 at 6:10 am rating: 90
#13
ANkh
Slight dietary changes are taking it too far! Death to the people who can’t eat the same food as everyone else.
…maybe we need to work on our herd immunity to bullshit.
Feb 28, 2012 at 6:26 am rating: 90
#14
Adriana
Bread products aren’t unhealthy for everyone. Other than a gluten allergy, which most people don’t have, your average person can eat grain / gluten products regularly without adverse health effects. Now, when I eat grains and other starches, my weight balloons up, so I’ve given them up, but I’m not going to get all self-righteous about it. If I didn’t get so fucking fat on those foods, I’d be chowing down on a loaf of sourdough right now.
Feb 28, 2012 at 7:59 am rating: 90
#15
Dane Zeller
You all have no respect for medical conditions that are affected by food products. I, myself, suffer from Chlorophylius Bacterious, a disorder that is aggravated by food that has the color green in it. I can’t eat green beans! They actually cause my skin to take on a tinge of green, and makes we want to spend many hours on the internet.
Feb 28, 2012 at 8:16 am rating: 90
#16
sleeps
I have such a strong desire to write, “Drink your juice, Shelby!!” on that board.
Feb 28, 2012 at 9:07 am rating: 90
#17
Lola
We can pickle that!
(Am I the only person who got the “Put a bird on it” reference?)
Feb 28, 2012 at 10:36 am rating: 90
#18
Paul Johnson
Reason 65535 why Portland is a shitty place to live.
Feb 28, 2012 at 11:24 am rating: 90
#19
Jolly
wow, the put a bird on it thing really needs to get put down already. It wasn’t really funny to begin with, and it jumped the shark almost instantly. Please, internet, I’m begging you: stop pretending that you saying “put a bird on it” is a funny joke
Feb 28, 2012 at 3:23 pm rating: 90
#20
Rectangle
I’m pretty sure they don’t make dark green dry erase markers. I wouldn’t be surprised if that second line about the knife was a sharpie.
Feb 28, 2012 at 4:12 pm rating: 90
#21
Annaliesa
There are a few things I get tired of in terms of healthy eating. For instance, people shouldn’t eat white rice. The Japanese, who are often thin and live to old age with little issue, have been eating white rice for a really long time. White bread? Ask half of Europe, who eating refined grains almost daily.
Unless you have a physiological reason for being unable to consume certain foods, you don’t have to banish them from your diet. Eat in moderation, and go for a walk or do some yoga or something. If you’re not doing this already, take some small steps and get support from friends. Life doesn’t necessary need to be bagel-free.
Mar 1, 2012 at 1:23 am rating: 90
#22
Gwan
Is there actually such a thing as a specialised bagel slicer? Or did they just mean “knife”? Why didn’t they just say “knife” then? So many questions…
Mar 1, 2012 at 1:55 pm rating: 90
#23
silverstarshoes
If you liked it then you should have put a bird on it
Mar 2, 2012 at 7:12 am rating: 90
#24
franktank
pretty average. would have liked to see some singling out or some profanity. Not aggressive enough.
Mar 2, 2012 at 9:21 pm rating: 90
#25
L
I can sorta understand the need for a bagel slicer. The only time I have ever HURT myself with a knive was slicing a bagel. I cut myself so badly I gushed blood all over the bagel and had to chuck it.
But I buy pre-sliced bagels now
Mar 3, 2012 at 7:59 am rating: 90
#26
Megan
My son is severely autistic and I don’t know how many people have told us we have to put him on a gluten free diet. However, we’ve had him checked by a specialist and saw no need. He has improved so much with lots of therapy. In fact we have therapist say they have never seen a child with his diagnosis have such speech improvement. I truly believe it is because we chose to focus on therapy and not spend needless time trying to force a diet change on him. This is just my personal opinion, but severe diet change without a medical reason causes more harm then good.
Mar 3, 2012 at 3:13 pm rating: 90
#27
sparkle
Bagels that are bad for you? The note-writer needs to stop eating those toxic mind-altering green beans. Someone should stage an intervention. With a bagel-slicer.
Mar 3, 2012 at 6:39 pm rating: 90
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