Pissed off (but ever-so-polite)

January 13th, 2013 · 48 comments

In the U.K. —more so than anywhere else — self-proclaimed “polite notices” are quite often anything but. Take, for example, these two notices, both from London.

POLITE NOTICE To whom it may concern: Stop pissing all over the lavatory like a f*cking animal. What is wrong with your p*nis? Is it a corkscrew? Does it flick around like hosepipe? Here's an idea — trying pointing it even vaguely towards the water. You might enjoy the tinkly sound. Give it a shot. Go on. You f*cking animal.

POLITE NOTICE Your dog? Your shit! If I catch you, I will make YOU EAT IT!!!

related: A polite notice from New Zealand

FILED UNDER: "polite notice" · dogs · London · most popular notes of 2013 · piss · shit · toilet · U.K.

48 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Beth

    I agree with the last one. I can not stand how rude people can be to let their dogs shit on someone elses lawn and then just walk away. In my experience, it is usually elderly women who do this..at least that is the case in my neighborhood.

    Jan 13, 2013 at 11:52 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   GojuSuzi

      I tend to be a little more lenient with the elderly, since many of them tend to have trouble bending and so forth, so poop-picking is physically impossible, or at least immensely painful, but their attachment to their pet is so that they could not bear to lose them even if they’re not able for that one aspect of care.

      However, the arrogant yobs who clearly have no problem bending if a bottle of Buckie is at stake get no such leniency. Arseholes, the lot of them.

      Jan 13, 2013 at 12:22 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   JoDa

      And it ends up being a vicious feedback loop. If there’s poop everywhere, people who would otherwise behave better feel like they don’t need to clean up, either. I’ve actually had people tell me I shouldn’t mind since I have a dog (except that I pick up after him, both inside and outside of our fence).

      The only shaming I’ve seen, which I think it funny but probably doesn’t do much, is if someone “catches” an owner not scooping, sometimes they’ll pick it up and hang the bag on the owner’s car’s mirror. Might be more effective if they smeared it all over the windshield.

      Jan 13, 2013 at 12:31 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   JoDa

      You know, Goju, they make very inexpensive scoopers so that bending is not required. Some of the older people in my neighborhood have them. You just put the bag over the “tines”, scoop, fold, and done. I looked into getting one (I have sprained my back 4 times in the last 2 years, and REALLY couldn’t bend then), and they’re under $10.

      Jan 13, 2013 at 12:33 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.4   shepd

      If you have a dog and are elderly, toilet them before they go on the walk. If they refuse, walk them in a circle in your backyard.

      If you have no yard, you made a very inappropriate choice for companionship and must bear the consequences of your poor decision. Hire someone to walk your dog for you who is physically able. If you can’t afford that, you’re used to having to give things up. Find a close friend or family member who can give your pet the relationship it deserves.

      Jan 13, 2013 at 10:04 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.5   Lil'

      My neighbor has a terrible habit of letting his dog crap on our lawn. He’s just one house down from us on the opposite side of the street – it’s so unnecessary when he’s that close to home. When we busted him, he stopped for a while, but here we go again. I heard about this spray you can use to entice your dog to go in certain spots of the yard. I fantasize about sneaking over to his house in the middle of the night and spraying it all over his lawn. Then he wakes up to find that every dog in the neighborhood has used his grass like a giant poop pad. A girl can dream…

      Jan 14, 2013 at 10:22 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.6   shepd

      Stop dreaming and just do it ™. Wear cat burglar clothes if you gotta. :D

      Stick to the front lawn and I bet nobody will even notice you doing it.

      Jan 14, 2013 at 8:47 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.7   JoDa

      Lil’ if you sprinkle cayenne pepper in your yard, the dogs will move on. If YOU have a dog, don’t do it (it will make your dog not want to go in your yard, either), but it’s actually highly effective. Just re-apply after rain. The dogs will get it shortly. They’re usually pretty fast learners. You pretty much so just need to hit the edge of the yard…as soon as they get a whiff they’ll sneeze and move on.

      Jan 17, 2013 at 6:34 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #2   M

    Wow, that was polite!

    Jan 13, 2013 at 11:54 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #3   Ace of Space

    Unfortunately, I sometimes feel the need to put the first notice up in my own house.

    Jan 13, 2013 at 12:21 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   FeRD bang

      It’s funny, actually, that the first note should happen to include that offhand remark about the “tinkling sound”. Because I know that, for me, I tend to get these weird, shy hangups about being “too loud” when urinating… and if anything, it’s tryin to prevent that and avoid firing straight down at the bullseye, that would be the most likely motivation for any… “non-traditional hosework” on my part.

      It just really echoes, OK, in a small tiled-wall room in the middle of the night! I’m just trying to be polite and unobtrusive, after all. Is that really so wrong?

      …Don’t you judge me. :cry:

      Jan 14, 2013 at 10:42 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   Ace of Space

      I promise I won’t judge you, FeRD. I puffy heart you.

      Jan 15, 2013 at 6:58 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.3   JoDa

      FeRD, just put some TP in the water before you tinkle and it will muffle the sound. :) Plus, I would think the flush would be louder anyway?

      Jan 17, 2013 at 6:41 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #4   Roto13

    People who pee on the floor are not evolved enough to deserve to be spoken to like human beings.

    Jan 13, 2013 at 12:39 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   depro

      We have noticed a trend (I’m in the SF Bay Area) toward tissue being thrown in the corner, instead of in the toilet. Not good.

      Jan 14, 2013 at 12:53 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #5   Kelster

    I would hate to see a rude notice.

    Jan 13, 2013 at 12:44 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #6   Yohannah

    I would hate to see piss and shit everywhere more.

    Jan 13, 2013 at 12:55 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #7   So

    I understood that people write ‘polite notice’ written in white on a blue background so that people will mistake it for police notice.

    Jan 13, 2013 at 2:44 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   The Elf

      Ah, so there is a logical reason. For a minute there, I thought that was a space holder. The note writer was INTENDING to write a polite notice, but wanted to vent a little first, and was so impressed with his venting that he just rolled with it. But, in his blind rage, he didn’t notice that he left the original header in place.

      Jan 14, 2013 at 6:59 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #8   Ashes

    The most passive agressive notes are both mean and polite, it is those very qualities that make the notes passive agressive.

    Since they’re lacking any form of politeness, these notes are just agressive. And while I know the site’s byline “funny (if not necessarily “passive-aggressive”)”, I can’t help but think notes are funnier when they have that passive streak mixed in.

    Jan 13, 2013 at 3:36 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #9   angrybathroomuser

    There is soemone on my floor in my building at work, who habitually pisses all over the floor in front of the urinal. No, I am not talking a few “whoops” drops, I mean, a gigantic piss river, which ensures nobody can even approach the one urinal.

    Due to proces of elimination (get it?), we have narrowed it down to one of 2 people. The real crappy (pissy?) thing is both are old men, and it’s probably medical.

    But still, use the toilet, and have seat FFS, nobody needs to stand in your urine.

    Jan 13, 2013 at 9:04 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   BuckyTooth

      We did this in my office. There’s a woman, who thank goodness no longer works there, and would pee all over the seats. We have four stalls and by the end of the day, 2-3 of those were ruined by her. With only a few women in the office, we figured out the culprit and left her a nice anonymous note. We disliked her, but didn’t want to embarrass her or be mean. It stopped.

      If it’s a medical problem, I feel bad for these guys, but this woman had no excuse besides thinking her rear was too precious to touch a public toilet seat – a CLEAN public toilet seat that was cleaned every single night.

      I understand if you’re in a public toilet and all of the seats are disgusting and have been peed on, and you have no other choice but to hover. But when it’s clean, sit your arse down!

      Jan 14, 2013 at 8:18 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #10   MaryContrary

    Love that first one.

    Jan 13, 2013 at 10:33 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #11   Adriana

    I don’t get why “you” would be underlined so many times in the second note. Does the author of the note plan to make someone else eat it otherwise?

    Jan 14, 2013 at 12:45 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   The Elf

      There is shit on the lawn; therefore, someone will eat shit.

      Jan 14, 2013 at 6:57 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.2   Sue

      I think they mean instead of the dog?

      Jan 15, 2013 at 4:22 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #12   depro

    My neighbor had the habit of letting her beast out to crap on my grass (they completely paved over their yard; not my fault). When I caught them and asked that they collect their dog’s mess, they looked at me at pretended to only understand Spanish. So I spoke the universal language of scooping it up and putting it on their welcome mat. A couple of days of literally stepping in it first thing in the morning, along with a couple more days of finding it on the hood of their car and a nastygram to the property owner and POOF! No more crap. And no more dog; seems the owner said specifically NO ANIMALS on the lease…

    Jan 14, 2013 at 12:52 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   JoDa

      While I feel bad for the dog while hoping against hope they found him a good home (unlikely for people who don’t take care of their dog in the first place), I think every landlord in the world, myself included, gives you a very big THANKS. I allow pets on a case-by-case basis, but people who ignore no pets rules are one-in-the-same with those who caused the rule to be put in place in the first place. If people properly trained and cared for their pets, most landlords would be willing to accept them, but there are a lot of people out there who let their pets tear up their home. And the security deposit is almost never enough to cover the extensive damage poorly-trained pets can cause. Replacing carpet can be thousands of dollars. Urine can even damage the floorboards underneath the carpeting. Ripped up drywall and doors from scratching (both cats and dogs) can also be very expensive to repair/replace. I put a lot of time, effort, and money into making sure my rental property is a comfortable, clean, safe, and attractive place for my tenants to live in. I do wish more tenants treated the property with the same respect (I luckily have very few problems, but even those few suck and I have some friends with absolute horror stories).

      Jan 19, 2013 at 12:15 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #13   Alastair

    There are many of these posts I actually love. The last one I like, even if it’s ‘polite’ sarcasm is passive aggressive. I have to deal with the dog shitters regularly, my assertiveness being met on more than one occasion with responses for which I have had to call the police. Dog shitters just don’t seem to be able to hear, are often extremely hostile, flout laws openly, and if such notices can get through to them that their behaviour is not acceptable to the majority then its OK by me. I posted one but made it clearly and properly assertive of responsibilities and laws, it was torn down repeatedly.

    Jan 14, 2013 at 1:32 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #14   The Elf

    Ah, the Brits. Their culture is so laced with enforced politeness that when the dam breaks, it really breaks!

    Jan 14, 2013 at 6:55 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Dana

      You should visit here sometime – politeness is now a rarity !!

      Jan 14, 2013 at 9:53 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #15   The Elf

    Hey, doggie doo sign writer: That’s not how the human centipede works.

    Jan 14, 2013 at 6:55 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #16   BuckyTooth

    I’m going to copy the first note and post it in my loo for my husband.

    Jan 14, 2013 at 8:12 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   H for Toy

      Does your husband have a corkscrew penis? I mean, I don’t actually want to know, but I would think you’d already be aware of it.

      Jan 14, 2013 at 4:56 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #16.2   BuckyTooth

      You’d think he did, considering the floor is where much of his urine lands.

      Jan 15, 2013 at 4:17 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #16.3   H for Toy

      So you only brings it out in the bathroom? You definitely need to have a talk with him!

      Jan 15, 2013 at 7:55 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #16.4   H for Toy

      *he, not you… I should really just login, so I can edit whenever I want…

      Jan 15, 2013 at 2:46 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #17   Ely North

    What if the guy’s penis IS like a corkscrew? That’s so insensitive! Corkscrew Cock is a serious problem.

    Jan 14, 2013 at 10:17 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Lia

      If he has a corkscrew penis, he may soon have more horrifying things in store. He may be metamorphosing into a duck, Kafka style.

      Jan 14, 2013 at 1:56 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #18   Tesselara

    Ah, yes. The My Words Have the Power to Change Reality syndrome. People with this syndrome also:
    Use “no offense” when they say offensive things
    Say “with respect” to say something insanely disrespectful
    Don’t apologize after erring egregiously–you’ve only done something wrong when you’ve apologized.
    Write disgusting polite notices

    Jan 14, 2013 at 12:08 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   PallaWear

      So I guess you piss on the floor and let your dog poop in their yard, then?

      Jan 14, 2013 at 2:00 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #18.2   Tesselara

      Nope. I WOULD title my note something that would more accurately reflect the note that I have created. Possibly, “Hey! Asshole!”

      Jan 14, 2013 at 2:12 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #18.3   PallaWear

      That doesn’t refute my statement where I assumed you’re only mad about “disgusting polite notices” because your own behavior is similar in nature to those getting called out. You never even mentioned how a different title on the notices would change your opinion (strange logic leap to add in).

      You assumed first, I assumed second. Perhaps judge less of others if you do not want to be judged in turn.

      Jan 15, 2013 at 11:40 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #18.4   Tesselara

      Wasn’t clear. My apologies. Those weren’t polite notices, despite their title. I agree with the sentiment, though, especially the hilarious first one.
      I do wonder if people who start their statements with one behavioral ideal, and then immediately follow up with the polar opposite behavior, think that they’re managing to achieve their goals. Or, are they reminding themselves (to not offend, or to be polite, or to be respectful), and then failing epically? Whatever else, that first notice was hilarious. Hosepipe!

      Jan 15, 2013 at 12:21 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #19   Aaron

    Although I agree with the sign, this guy has to be pretty confident in himself. He’s saying he can beat anyone who lets their dog crap in his yards A$$….AWESOME!!

    Jan 15, 2013 at 1:33 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #20   bob loblaw

    Rather than pissing on the floor, it is more fun to piss on the toilet roll. At least that’s what a friend of mine said, see because I would never do anything like that………..

    Jan 15, 2013 at 2:06 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #21   JC

    That first one is priceless. Had me cracking up.

    Jan 21, 2013 at 12:06 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #22   jamiiep

    oh my god, the first one is so good i want to print it out and put it in every public bathroom

    Jan 31, 2013 at 5:14 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up


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