Oh look, Reddit exploded in the kitchen.

June 19th, 2013 · 46 comments


Kitchen signs are the best! SMALL KITCHEN SIGNS ARE BETTER. I disagree. I made a kitchen sign but I eated it. If you are the making coffee first thing in the morning, please rinse out the coffee pot. Thank you. Every time you use the last paper towel and don't replace the roll, a kitten cries (and then gets eaten slowly by a hungry, endangered polar bear. The new rolls are located in the cabinet behind you. Please replace it when necessary. Thanks...from the kittens. (The polar bears? Not so much. Still hungry.)

Every time you use the last paper towel and don't replace the roll, a kitten cries (and then gets eaten slowly by a hungry, endangered polar bear. The new rolls are located in the cabinet behind you. Please replace it when necessary. Thanks...from the kittens. (The polar bears? Not so much. Still hungry.)

related: The Internet is leaking.

FILED UNDER: cats · kitchen · Los Angeles · note wars · office · shameless meme-mongering

46 responses so far ↓

  • #1   thrall

    But polar bears are a threatened species. Maybe it is for the best…

    Jun 19, 2013 at 9:19 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Iwill FindU

      I hate cats, feed the kittens to the polar bears please.

      Jun 20, 2013 at 3:44 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   RCat

      @Iwill FindU

      Maybe we should feed YOU to the polar bears, jack***.

      Jun 20, 2013 at 4:45 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   Iwill FindU

      Let see the polar bears didn’t give me toxoplasmosis that almost killed me as a child, nor are they still digging up all plants to crap in my veggie garden to this very day, ruining my soil quality, and killing my veggies with all their shit, add to that I’m pregnant so I shouldn’t even be exposed to all that cat shit. Fuck cats, or maybe I would be happier if I could just feed all the owners that think Mittens should roam free outside to the polar bears.

      Jun 20, 2013 at 8:57 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.4   Iwill FindU

      Pregnant women who contract toxoplasmosis put their unborn child at great risk. The effect of T. gondii on a fetus is severe. Women who become infected in the late months of pregnancy are likely to pass the parasite to their unborn child through the placenta. If the mother was infected at the time of conception or if the fetus is infected during the first trimester of pregnancy, a miscarriage is likely. Infants born with toxoplasmosis usually have severe eye infections, a swollen liver or spleen, jaundice, or pneumonia. The mortality rate of babies born with toxoplasmosis is high. If the infected baby survives, it is likely that the child will be visually impaired, have fluid in the brain, and suffer from learning disabilities or mental retardation.

      But I should just be ok with this? When I didn’t even decide to have this animal in my home, Fuck You.

      Jun 20, 2013 at 9:13 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.5   The Elf


      I could sell tickets to this cat fight.

      Jun 20, 2013 at 9:23 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.6   Poltergeist

      Thank you wonderful, giant pregnant lady for bestowing your medical wisdom upon us! I can feel the breadth of my knowledge expanding, the information coursing through my veins like electricity. God must have sent you down from the heavens to quash our ignorance. We are all better people now that we understand the full degree of your disdain for domesticated felines. Before today, I would have openly encouraged my bulbous wife to roll around in the litter box for my amusement, but now I truly understand the risk this would have posed to our precious little bun in the oven.

      Jun 20, 2013 at 11:17 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.7   Iwill FindU

      Life is all about choices, if you choose to have a cat fine. I don’t really care as long as it’s kept out of my garden. I however I’m also free to choose to place gofer traps in my garden to deal with any “pests” that may come looking for a place to crap. Don’t bitch when your cat goes “missing” it was your choice not to keep better track of it.
      Also just begun to touch on my total distaste for cats I’m sure I could come up with lots more reasons to hate them.

      Jun 21, 2013 at 12:47 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.8   Fayth


      Jun 21, 2013 at 4:13 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.9   Amelia

      Toxoplasmosis is horrible, but hating all cats as a reaction to having it suggests that you think that there was some sort of malicious worldwide cat conspiracy to try to murder you. If anything, I’d think you would have come out of this experience with a deep hatred of bacteria, not a desire to slaughter every unsupervised cat.

      Jun 21, 2013 at 5:56 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.10   Lil'

      What just happened here??

      Jun 21, 2013 at 6:57 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.11   The Elf

      I dunno, but I sense another indoor/outdoor cat debate in the making.

      Iwill FindU , it’s your garden. But, dayaaaamn what a douche move that is to kill another’s pet.

      You want to keep pets out of your garden without killing them? Try natural deterrents like pepper. I’ve had success deterring dogs with a vodka/habenero spray. But of course, that would require you to give up your perverse glee over the death of an animal.

      Jun 21, 2013 at 8:07 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.12   Tom

      I know that in at least some states you will be charged with a crime by killing another’s pet, regardless of whether or not the pet was trespassing.

      If we can’t convince you to stop being an asshole morally, well by gum we’ll try it legally.

      Jun 21, 2013 at 9:37 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.13   H for Toy

      I was thinking gopher traps, like those spring-loaded live traps, and then maybe a trip to the SPCA. I could be wrong. Be careful you don’t catch yourself a skunk, though.

      Jun 21, 2013 at 9:50 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.14   RCat

      To think that my angry, clearly-biased response would result in a long argument like this. I’m not sure whether I should be proud or ashamed.

      Anyway, Ms or Mrs. FindU, I apologize that you suffered from a terrible disease caused by ingesting cat feces. However, it seems like there are plenty of other preventive measures you could take to avoid ingesting them at this time without murdering every cat- infected or otherwise- that comes near your lawn. Besides, this deep hatred of cats may be influenced by the disease you had in the past. You have the strength to overcome the shadows and diseases of your past!

      Also, the only reason polar bears don’t give you something to hate them for is because you don’t live in the Arctic. I don’t know if eating their poop would give you any specific diseases, though.

      Jun 21, 2013 at 9:50 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.15   VM

      IwillFindU, after your cat eradication program will you:

      kill off all the dogs because of giardia and rabies,
      kill off all the rabbits because of tularemia,
      kill off all the parrots because of psittacosis,
      kill off all the pigs because of swine flu…
      oh, and to come back to animals mentioned in thread, kill off all the polar bears because they’ve been known to attack and kill humans?

      Seriously, chill. You hate cats? Lots of people hate cats, I realize that — but it’s idiotic to make yourself out to be the Toxoplasmosis Avenger.

      Jun 21, 2013 at 10:00 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.16   Iwill FindU

      More like I hate the $200 in damage that the cats have done to the garden this year alone. I’ve tried mouse traps they should have scared the cats enough to keep them away on their own with out hurting them (this hasn’t worked, so larger traps seem like the next step), and none of the local green houses carry any of the plants that would naturally repel them. Since I would like to eat the produce from my garden I’m rather limited in other alternatives, as most chemical sprays aren’t meant for produce, and homemade sprays are only marginally successful (I would guess about the same success as the mouse traps have been)
      I mean clearly my health is a bigger factor this year then it would normally be. Turning something that I normally view as a pain in the ass into a menace.
      So what would the next step be? Dumping the cat shit on the owners door step? Or shooting the cat with a low powered paint ball gun, the paint is water based and shouldn’t do long term damage to the cat. Because despite what some people think killing them clearly hasn’t been my first choice. If cats were as skidish as rabbits this problem would have been over years ago (rubber snakes, see cruel isn’t my first go to)

      Jun 21, 2013 at 11:17 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.17   redheadwglasses

      I think the toxoblahblah affected your ability to communicate like a rational adult.

      And your ability to spell. “Skittish.”

      Jun 21, 2013 at 11:34 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.18   Amelia

      As a cat owner, yes dumping the shit on my doorstep would be preferable to gleefully dumping the carcass of my pet on my doorstep after you had taken your “revenge” for childhood toxoplasmosis. Or you know, you could set up chicken wire around your plant beds to keep the cats out. Or squirt them with the hose rather than shooting them with a paintball gun. And how the hell have the cats done $200 worth of damage to your garden? There are dozens of strays in my neighborhood and they have yet to anything to my garden besides take a nap next to the tomatoes.

      Jun 21, 2013 at 11:35 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.19   redheadwglasses

      I used to let my cats roam to their heart’s content. But in the last 15 years, I’ve changed that and new cats I’ve acquired have gone outside only on harnesses/leashes and supervised by me.

      I don’t believe cats should roam. My neighborhood has some strays and they are big, wild tomcats who would kick my cats’ asses (my cats are 6 and 7 pounds).

      But Iwillfindu = horse’s ass. It’s just so obvious. Setting phasers on ignore.

      Jun 21, 2013 at 12:05 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.20   The Elf

      Do you know the owner of the cat? Try talking to them.

      Try enclosing your garden.

      What I used for dogs was a homemade spray made from soaking habaneros in vodka for three weeks. It’s natural, it won’t harm the plants, and it make the dog not want to poop and pee in my yard. It also makes for an interesting cocktail. It would probably work for cats as they also have sensitive noses. You’ll need to re-apply periodically and after every rainfall.

      I use Ssssscat motion sensors to deter my kitties from jumping on the countertops. Maybe something similar would work for you?

      Please don’t shoot the cat with a low-powered paint ball gun. Anything powerful enough to shoot a paintball is powerful enough to hurt the cat. (I’m curious exactly how you’d make one “low powered” anyway. None of my paint ball guns ever had settings like that, but I have been out of the hobby for a decade.)

      Jun 21, 2013 at 12:05 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.21   redheadwglasses

      And getting hit with a paint ball HURTS. On a small animal, it could cause a serious injury.

      Jun 21, 2013 at 12:57 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.22   Jami

      Three words -

      Feral Cat Trap.

      Bait it with ham or bacon – cause cat food/treats doesn’t work. Cat is caught live. You can take it to or have it taken to animal control.

      I can see how $200 in damage can be done by cats. I’ve had it happen because neighbors’ cats love to lay on my seedlings and break them. And fences don’t help because cats climb.

      You know what helps? Peppers. Not in a spray. I go to the dollar store and buy the big bags of crushed red pepper flakes, chili seasonings, powdered spicy peppers, etc, mix it all together, and sprinkle it in the areas the cats like to lie the most. Mix in some garlic and onion powder and you also have a natural bug deterrent. No cats for a couple of months. By the time they come back, the plants are too big for them to kill anymore.

      Jun 21, 2013 at 1:08 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.23   Iwill FindU

      @ Amelia Here’s how the $200 works out
      $100 for the fruit tree sapling that the cats tried climbing snapping off most of the branches stressing the tree to the point of death. (that even though I paid for a 2 yr warranty on I can’t exchange because of excessive damage)
      $30 for the rose bush they dug up (even thorns won’t put these buggers off)
      $70 in other plants that got dug up little things like strawberries & tomato plants, veggie seedlings, bedding flowers. On their own it’s not much to replace them but they do add up.
      @ The Elf I tired talking to owner last year (as this is an on going problem) She told me to be thankful for the fertilizer. Also to get low powered paint ballgun you have to pretty much take the gun apart and re-work the inners.
      @ redheadwglasses I’m dyslexic not stupid or incapable of rational thought. please don’t treat me as such.

      Jun 21, 2013 at 2:02 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.24   Madrias

      Have you considered using a water gun, like a super-soaker? Used to use one to get the neighborhood pests to stop ripping apart my trash can.
      Alternatively, I’ve found potent spices to be a strong deterrent to cats. Even cheap crushed-red-pepper flakes should annoy them without adding any chemicals to the yard.
      Also, if you don’t mind stepping a bit to the gray area of legality, applying the cat shit to the windshield wipers of her car and under the doorhandles should get the point across.

      Jun 21, 2013 at 8:19 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.25   Rattus

      I have cats in my garden. Mine, the neighbour’s, and feral. None of them have ever caused any damage. Apparently cats have the ability to determine when a house is inhabited by a twat, and behave accordingly.

      I have had things dug up and/or eaten, and piles of poop left on the deck, but you know what did that? Raccoons and squirrels. Animals that don’t have owners for twats to become irrationally enraged at.

      Jun 21, 2013 at 9:07 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.26   mehriheart bang


      There were so many other alternatives than killing the cats. The local Humane society using the live traps. Those things you use to catch racoons. Dumping cat feces on their door step. Why not try calling the humane society or Animal control? I’d leave out the part where you killed the other cats. You may be ‘protecting’ your property but depending on how the law works in your state you could be charged with animal abuse. Rightly so.

      Jun 22, 2013 at 2:28 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.27   The Elf

      IwillfindU: Congrats on the baby!

      With all the pregnant posters around, it makes me wonder if there isn’t something in the water around here. Maybe I should stay away for a while……

      Jun 24, 2013 at 7:15 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.28   North

      I cry bullshit or cat shit if you prefer. Toxoplasmosis only affects a fetus if a mother who has previously NOT had the disease contracts it. A mother who has previously contracted the disease especially as a child already has a built in immunity to it and it will not affect their fetus. Approximately one third of the entire population of the world have or have had toxoplasmosis. It’s quite common and rarely serious. It’s also more often caused by handling or eating under cooked or raw meat, then it is by cat feces.
      Seriously grow up. $200 is a paltry sum and not a rational excuse for harming an animal. I feel terribly sorry for your child, I wonder what will happen to them when they accidentally break or cause damage to property as all children are eventually wont to do. Have fun with that Mommy Dearest.

      Jun 24, 2013 at 6:00 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.29   magicdomino

      Interesting, I’ve never had that much trouble with cats either. Even the fox that is hanging out in my vegetable garden doesn’t do that much damage. Last year, the birds, squirrels, and rats did a number on the garden, which is why the fox is more than welcome.

      IWillFindU, I’ll trade you my deer for your cats. It’s only one deer, and so far the count is 4 lilies, two hostas, a bed of green beans, and a tomato plant.

      Jun 27, 2013 at 12:36 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #2   BrookeDiz bang

    Love The Cats of War!

    Jun 19, 2013 at 9:22 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #3   Gwai

    What does the tiny sign say?

    Jun 19, 2013 at 9:35 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Rebecca

      “I have to agree.”

      Jun 19, 2013 at 9:39 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #4   Linda Proulx

    Now that’s a funny bit. Using the most passive aggressive form of being a control freak!

    Jun 20, 2013 at 8:32 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #5   OurHero

    Dare I addz that those kittenz were Fuckin Deliciouz?
    Signed – D Polar Bearz.

    Jun 20, 2013 at 9:35 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #6   Beatus Mongous

    But what if you use that last paper towel to clean up after you masturbate? Does the polar bear eat the kitten, or does God kill it?

    Jun 20, 2013 at 10:41 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   RCat

      God can use polar bears to kill things by having the polar bears eat them, but it’s not like both things couldn’t happen independently. (Unless polar bears are too stuck up to eat things that were already dead.)

      Jun 20, 2013 at 2:34 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #7   The Elf

    Of course sad kitty is crying. He’s looking right at the tea selection, and they’re all herbal! No caffeine makes me cry too.

    Jun 20, 2013 at 12:03 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Shiarrael

      They’re not all herbal. There’s a green tea and an Earl Grey. :P

      Jun 20, 2013 at 3:02 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #7.2   The Elf

      Huh. I thought the green box was sleepytime, completely missing the letters that spell out “Green Tea”. Reading is fundamental. I should try it next time.

      Jun 20, 2013 at 3:11 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #8   Bcteagirl

    Needs more narwhal.

    Jun 20, 2013 at 10:53 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   The Elf

      Needs a Honey Badger sign.

      Jun 21, 2013 at 8:12 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #9   H for Toy

    I don’t always use the last of the paper towels… but when I do, I replace them.

    One does not simply… use the last paper towel and not replace the roll.

    Replacing the roll someone else finished? Ain’t nobody got time for that!

    Jun 21, 2013 at 9:46 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #10   RCat

    A screen capture/caption of a drive-by argument seems to defeat the purpose of a drive-by argument. Also, I now fear for the day when we’ll have drive-by captions.

    Jun 21, 2013 at 10:04 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #11   NanLT

    Of course what isn’t mentioned is that once you have had toxoplasmosis, you are immune to it – meaning you can’t catch it a second time. Many women are exposed to toxoplasmosis, do not get ill or show symptoms, but do develop immunity. And, unless you are crawling around on the ground and ingesting the cat poo, your chances of actually catching toxoplasmosis is quite low – just wash your hands after digging in the garden before putting your hands in your mouth or on your food. So this outright hatred of felines is rather OTT.

    Jun 21, 2013 at 1:58 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #12   OHSue

    Oh Iwillfindyou…..hope that baby doesn’t misbehave!
    Kid is in deep s*** if that diaper leaks in your garden.

    Jun 23, 2013 at 7:18 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up


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