Matt found this note outside his house in Minneapolis, and says he hasn’t the slightest idea what sort of “godless activities” Barb & Tom could be hinting at.
related: Risky business
FILED UNDER: God · most popular notes of 2013 · neighbors · Won't somebody think of the children?
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135 responses so far ↓
#1
Nikki
Oh, you Godless people! Anything not expressly about Jesus is Godless. Obv!
Suggestions:
-Blast Christian rock
-Get cross decal for car
-In fact, get lots of cross decals and other cross-themed accessories
-Pray in street
-If working out, use Bibles in your belt for extra weight
-Instead of Godless BBQs, do dramatic enactments of the crucifixion
See? It’s easy to not be Godless!
Jul 9, 2013 at 5:29 pm rating: 90
#2
sunshynegrll
Matt, your ‘new neighbors!’ are serial killers. Trust me on this.
Jul 9, 2013 at 5:30 pm rating: 90
#3
Vivica Halliwell
Sounds like Matt and his lady are having lots of sex. This means you need to add porn with lots of whips and curse words.
See how impressionable little Barb Jr. is when she asks her teacher what “cumdumpster” means.
Jul 9, 2013 at 5:42 pm rating: 90
#4
Al I.
If that were left for us, I’d reply with, “I can understand what a challenge it can be to be tolerant of others with different political or religious views than yourself. Trust me. It recently became something of a challenge for us. If you’d like help educating your daughter to be more understanding to those who may not view the world the same way that you or she does, feel free to bring her over any time, and we’ll be more than happy to spend lots of time explaining that those of us who do not believe in invisible sky creatures can be moral, ethical and fun people.”
Jul 9, 2013 at 5:58 pm rating: 90
#5
havingfitz
Matt, no idea what you’re doing, but I am intrigued. Intrigued and aroused. I’ll be there at 9 with the wine. Wear something furry.
Jul 9, 2013 at 6:12 pm rating: 90
#6
Haggie
Please submit a list of “Godless” activities.
I want to make sure that I haven’t missed any…
Jul 9, 2013 at 6:14 pm rating: 90
#7
Loverfli
Since when is sex between a married couple godless?
Idiots.
Jul 9, 2013 at 6:48 pm rating: 90
#8
Tard
Set a CD of sex sounds to run on a timer for the exact duration their kid is at school. Play it while you are at work, but not loudly enough to break the law. They don’t have the balls to talk to you in person, they get treated like the anal fistulas they are.
Jul 9, 2013 at 7:06 pm rating: 90
#9
H for Toy
Well, at least they signed it?
Jul 9, 2013 at 7:14 pm rating: 90
#10
Brian
If it’s what I think it is, then they need to be reminded that “Be fruitful and multiply” is a Biblical commandment.
Jul 9, 2013 at 8:59 pm rating: 90
#11
LadyIslay
Because the note is ambiguous as to the nature of “GODLESS” activities, to be safe, I’d suggest you incorporate multiple pantheons into every activity at home. Fill your life (and theirs) with as many gods as possible. Start with a statuette of Priapus in the front garden. They’re supposed to function as scarecrows to keep the birds away.
Jul 9, 2013 at 9:32 pm rating: 90
#12
Poltergeist
Hi!
Maybe your daughter isn’t impressionable. Maybe she came to her own conclusion that what you’re teaching her is stupid and illogical, and therefore she chooses to listen in on her neighbors to get a sense of what the world is like outside of Mommy and Daddy’s God-fearing bubble. You should probably consider how silly your views must be when all it takes to override the values you instilled in your daughter is for her to listen to other people living their lives.
Sincerely,
Your Godless neighbor who, as you’re reading this, is experiencing the most orgasmic buttsex imaginable with his gay partner.
Jul 9, 2013 at 9:48 pm rating: 90
#13
nativefloridian
“I’m sorry, in order to better know what you’re asking I need to know which god you worship and which specific activities offend this god. (These might be obvious to you, but our last neighbors were Wiccan and the ones before them were Hindu, and asked for things like vegetarian dishes at the neighborhood BBQ). If you can be more specific, we could take the matter under consideration*.”
*Consideration does not mean automatic compliance
Jul 9, 2013 at 11:18 pm rating: 90
#14
Tom
Judging by the note, “godless activities” could very well be something as mundane as watching a movie or playing a video game. God didn’t create electricity on the 8th day after all!
Jul 9, 2013 at 11:26 pm rating: 90
#15
Lythande
I would go over and ask them about it. No joking, and in all politeness, ask them to elaborate.
Not that I wouldn’t comply with their request, if it turns out their vague and underlined Godless activities are actually something rude I were doing, but if someone’s going to pussyfoot around an insult, confront them and make them own it.
Jul 9, 2013 at 11:38 pm rating: 90
#16
Brian H
Maybe you could sacrifice a lamb to make them feel more comfortable.
Jul 10, 2013 at 12:07 am rating: 90
#17
TRT
Ha! I thought that was signed “Babylon” for a moment!
Jul 10, 2013 at 4:23 am rating: 90
#18
The Elf
My husband and I got a similar but unsigned PAN (I wish I had kept it!) packaged with a Bible tract. We thought about what we could have done to offend, and figured it had to be this: the previous day, we washed the car. It was hot, so my husband took his shirt off. He’s heavily inked, and they were responding to his big – and amazing – backpeice. It’s the only thing I got, since only our immediate next door neighbors would have had cause to complain about our many other “godless” acts, and they were on vacation at the time.
But if the notewriters had known their *Christian* history, they would have realized the tattoo was a reference to the Danse Macabre. Nothing godless about that!
Jul 10, 2013 at 7:04 am rating: 90
#19
KittenPlaysTheViolin
This note kinda creeps me out because I have an aunt and uncle named Barb and Tom, but they live in St. Paul, so it couldn’t be them. Or could it? Nah, they’re Catholic but very open-minded.
Jul 10, 2013 at 8:11 am rating: 90
#20
Lee
PLEASE go & ask them exactly what Godless activities have offended them, not so you can stop, but so you can tell us in graphic detail
Jul 10, 2013 at 9:09 am rating: 90
#21
libman
Offee to buy their daughter
Jul 10, 2013 at 9:10 am rating: 90
#22
Dawn J
I’m guessing Matt knows exactly what godless activities they are referring to.
Jul 10, 2013 at 9:14 am rating: 90
#23
Lil'
I’m guessing Barb was a lot more involved in the writing of this letter than Tom. Just a feeling, but I bet if Matt approached Tom, Tom would be dumbfounded as to what he’s supposed to be offended by.
Jul 10, 2013 at 9:19 am rating: 90
#24
PSzymeczek
No. No, I won’t tone it down.
Jul 10, 2013 at 9:25 am rating: 90
#25
H for Toy
Matt is a married comedian/comedy writer with two kids. Maybe they just don’t like his jokes.
Jul 10, 2013 at 10:00 am rating: 90
#26
Elle
Honestly, this would make me want to do the most godless-and-offensive-but-not-illegal things I could think of, in my front yard, at approximately the time the kid was coming home from school. Maybe playing Dungeons and Dragons while listening to heavy metal. With all the foreign gay people of other faiths I can find. In swimwear (preferably swimwear of the other sex). Hmm, what else?
Jul 10, 2013 at 10:07 am rating: 90
#27
Trace
Gotta love it when the new neighbors want to set the rules for the block.
Jul 10, 2013 at 10:24 am rating: 90
#28
Kristy
Looks like it’s time for a satanic ritual every day when the kid is walking home from school.
Doesn’t get much more godless than that to religious zelots
Jul 10, 2013 at 10:28 am rating: 90
#29
Mindfield
The note I’d respond with:
“Hi! We’re your godless neighbours! We’re young and sensible and we would like to know if you could tone down your religious activities when we’re home from work. It insults the memory of Christopher Hitchens. Thanks!”
Jul 10, 2013 at 11:19 am rating: 90
#30
Mr.Trololo
You folks are all too nice…
I’d wipe my rear end after a good extra runny #2 (preferably after chili night) with their note and return it to them.
It would summarize what I think of their opinion of my “godlessness”.
Jul 10, 2013 at 11:32 am rating: 90
#31
lolsuz
In light of Matt’s statement that he can’t imagine what he or his family could have done to offend, I suspect that Barb and Tom found out who Matt is and/or saw his podcast page and sent that note preemptively, in fear that their child might be exposed to some *future* demonic spectacle. DARK SIDED!!!!1!
Which is even more outrageous and rude than having sent it because they disapproved of something that actually happened.
The assumption of privilege and authority that their faith gives them guarantees they’ll constantly run afoul of everyone and everything around them… from their perspective such a note is not only permissible, it’s their duty as guardians over the child God sent to them to raise. It’s delusional, but a delusion so common in our culture that it’s easy to overlook the mental illness involved.
I wouldn’t be surprised at all if Lil’s suspicion that the husband had nothing to do with the note is spot on, so talking to the husband might actually go a long way to salvaging the situation to some degree. Hey, if they’re as Bible-loving as they claim to be, you can tell Tom to curb his wife’s behavior and she has to obey him. If he has to beat her to keep her in line that’s Biblical too.
My condolences on your new neighbors, Matt, SINCERELY.
Jul 10, 2013 at 11:32 am rating: 90
#32
redheadwglasses
Help! I can’t see the picture posted with the note(s), and when I open it by right clicking, it just sits and spins. WHat should I do?
Jul 10, 2013 at 11:34 am rating: 90
#33
redheadwglasses
Nevermind — when I moused over it, I saw that the text was visible in a temporary box like xkcd uses.
Barb and Tom: Go fuck yourselves with a Jesus dildo.
Jul 10, 2013 at 11:35 am rating: 90
#34
redheadwglasses
I think people who would leave such a stupid note most likely have a very lengthy list as to what constitutes “godless activities.”
Jul 10, 2013 at 11:37 am rating: 90
#35
Hugles
…and here I thought being an Atheist was just not believing in any Gods. There are “Godless Activities” that I’m missing out on? Why didn’t I get the Atheist Welcome Kit with the “Godless Activities” schedule?
Jul 10, 2013 at 12:44 pm rating: 90
#36
Jami
This is when I want to smack my fellow believers upside the head.
Yes, I believe in God. But that doesn’t protect me from the insane believers who say I don’t believe “properly.” Or because I read comic books, love science fiction, and listen to Barry Manilow.
Yep, you can believe in God and still be seen as “godless.”
Oh, that reminds me of my favorite joke!
A Pagan died and found herself standing in front of St. Peter, confused. He welcomed her and she said, “I’m not suppose to be here. I’m suppose to be in the Summerlands.”
“Ah,” said St. Peter, “You must be one of our Pagan sisters. Come with me.”
With that St. Peter led her to a beautiful place where people were singing and dancing. But along the edge was a bunch of people wailing and yanking their hair.
“Oh, it’s just like I thought it would be!” The Pagan said. “But who are those people over there so upset?”
“Oh,” said St. Peter, “those are fundlementalists. See, they didn’t expect any of you to be here. So for them, this is Hell.”
Jul 10, 2013 at 1:09 pm rating: 90
#37
A M Cary
As we share living as neighbors, we will not ask you to conform to any lifestyle or timing but your own and respectfully request you do the same for your neighbors. We acknowledge the intention to be good parents and respectfully will understand if you need to turn up your Christian music to a reasonable volume to coexist with whatever you choose your child not hear.
Jul 10, 2013 at 1:27 pm rating: 90
#38
katie
What I think needs to be asked here is how on Earth these parents expect to “protect” their child from various perspectives, lifestyles and cultures that she’s going to encounter later in life. There’s always the chance there’s going to be someone at the park who isn’t part of her culture/religion. Maybe her religious school has kids there whose parents forced them to be there and therefore don’t believe in the religion at all. What if she wants to go to college/university, how are they going to keep her from being exposed to various views there? What about the mall? Door to door religious salesmen? Is she just going to be locked up and blindfolded for the rest of her life?
The answer is likely no, which means sooner or later she’ll hear about all these different perspectives. Why not educate her early and let her figure it out on her own/make her own choices?
Like everyone else is saying, what could be so awful (“godless”) that she needs to be shielded from it instead of exposed to it and taught about it? Sex noise? Tattoos? Gayness? Is that seriously so terrifying your child needs to be ushered into a windowless room where she can’t possibly see the neighbours?
What I want to say to this parent is, “Welcome to the real world. Guess your own parents tried to keep you from it. There are people different from you absolutely everywhere. I know, pretty bloody awful isn’t it? Suck it up.”
-_-
Jul 10, 2013 at 1:56 pm rating: 90
#39
Alenonimo
I would send them a passive-agressive note asking them to move back to the Bible Belt.
Jul 10, 2013 at 2:00 pm rating: 90
#40
SanD
We had neighbors who thought we we “godless” because we
1. were Catholic
2. we didn’t home-school our children and sent them to PUBLIC school instead (the humanity!)
3. didn’t want our kids to go to vacation Bible school
4. I wore a 2-piece bathing suit in my backyard pool
And I’m sure more reasons……..
Then, the husband got caught with his pants down peeping in the window of the minor girl across the street.
Jul 10, 2013 at 2:37 pm rating: 90
#41
Swartz
Which god?
Jul 10, 2013 at 2:43 pm rating: 90
#42
Frank Chickens
From Spitting Image – My God is Bigger Than Your God:
http://youtu.be/bRwXrcz-F9M
Jul 10, 2013 at 3:34 pm rating: 90
#43
Kel
Well, thankfully they only overheard the godlessly loud bong hits, and not the group beastiality bang!
Jul 10, 2013 at 4:28 pm rating: 90
#44
SueR
It’s the Villification Tennis. Totally godless.
I love it when these are from the place I’m from (close, at least, I’m on the other side of the Twin Cities. ) I want to stop by and visit.
Jul 10, 2013 at 6:29 pm rating: 90
#45
Phoenix
“Dear nieghbor. God is with us everywhere, whatever we do. So whatever we were doing, it wasn’t GODLESS- he was there with me!”
Jul 10, 2013 at 8:27 pm rating: 90
#46
Magenta
I would like to do some “godless activities” with that Bible. That would make for some hardcore spankings along with the hands.
Jul 10, 2013 at 10:26 pm rating: 90
#47
Sir Puke
My condolences to Matt.
I am reminded of a quote by Lenny Bruce: Christians are supposed to be like Jesus, right? That’s great, because Christ was a delight!
The notewriters seem to be emulating someone else.
Jul 10, 2013 at 11:25 pm rating: 90
#48
Allyson
See, it’s people like this that make me embarrassed to admit that I go to church. Of course, our church is liberal and inclusive, and our family is interfaith, so Barb and Tom would probably consider me “Godless”, too.
Jul 11, 2013 at 12:10 am rating: 90
#49
mushroom
(Dragnet — the 80s movie — reference) The neighbors must have been having a PAGAN ritual — People Against Goodness And Normalcy.
Jul 11, 2013 at 2:41 am rating: 90
#50
redheadwglasses
The thing is… Minneapolis is very liberal and very gay-friendly. Good luck finding a block without a rainbow windsock on a front porch. Heck, Minneapolis elected the nation’s first Muslim U.S. Representative.
Just wait until Barb and Tom get the Muslim Keith Ellison’s mailers. They may explode. Better have a squeegee handy.
Jul 11, 2013 at 7:58 am rating: 90
#51
jj
Am I the only one that hopes the little girl can remain innocent thru all this ‘adult’ behavior? I do hope so. I feel bad about the mean comments. But I know people are tolerant of everything BUT God now. I thought the note was reasonable. Maybe loud music with cuss words is being played and simple problems like that. Obviously the comment makers do not have children they love yet.
Jul 11, 2013 at 9:47 am rating: 90
#52
Pat
Those neighbors need to be sent a similar note asking them to tone down their “Zeuss-Less”, “Thor-Less” or “Vishnu-Less” activities.
Jul 11, 2013 at 10:23 am rating: 90
#53
Pat
jj wrote: “But I know people are tolerant of everything BUT God now”
Ah there we go, playing the persecution card… sorry but that one doesn’t fly specially not in much of the US where christianity is practically the de facto “state religion”…
Besides, how can I be tolerant of something that doesn’t exist? On the other hand I am very tolerant of peoples right to believe (or not) in whatever the heck imaginary deity they want.
Jul 12, 2013 at 8:11 am rating: 90
#54
Madrias
Regarding religion, I don’t follow any particular faith. I believe there’s likely something after death, but only due to the fact that there’s an immense amount of energy in a living being. That amount of energy cannot be contained in something that no longer moves. The Law of Conservation of Energy says that energy cannot be created, nor destroyed, so where does all of the energy that kept us moving go? It must go somewhere.
As for the ‘godless’ comment: I don’t believe in God (as mentioned, I don’t follow any particular religion), so yes, I’m fully godless. I’m not gonna pick up a God just to please you. If you’ve got a gripe with me over something, like if I choose to play video games well into the early hours of the morning, or if my movie is annoying you, then tell me and I might adjust accordingly. Leave me a note and I will keep doing it.
Jul 14, 2013 at 3:03 am rating: 90
#55
AmyQ
I’m from the UK, we have loads of religions cheek by jowl (I live next to Sikhs on one side and Orthodox Catholics on the other) and we would never seek to undermine each other’s lifestyle (I’m an atheist, they seem to not mind that).
Is this an American thing?
Jul 24, 2013 at 3:51 pm rating: 90
#56
clutch machining amtech
interesting website. i read it but i still have a few questions. shoot me an email and we will talk more because i may have an interesting idea for you.
Jul 29, 2013 at 3:55 pm rating: 90
#57
Mary
Just shout out “Oh God! Oh God!” a couple of times, and then the neighbors will be happy.
Aug 5, 2013 at 6:13 pm rating: 90
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