Gee, I’m glad my car could ease your conscience

September 9th, 2013 · 76 comments

Courtney’s friend Tom found this note — from our newest contender for douchecanoe of the year) — on the windshield of his Toyota FJ Cruiser.

Hi, I hit your lower passenger side bumper on my way into the spot next to you. I guess that is what happens when you drive a gas-guzzling wanna-be Jeep — so I don't feel so bad.  Hope you have insurance!

related: Yeah, I dinged your car, but you kinda deserved it

FILED UNDER: car · don't blame us · Park City · parking · questionable logic

76 responses so far ↓

  • #1   jen c

    What a bumber.

    Sep 9, 2013 at 10:10 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #2   wright1

    Gee, I guess the author of this must have been a fifth-generation vegan driving a pastel-colored, all-electric flying car made completely of recycled materials. That would explain the superiority of their tone and moral position.

    While it isn’t clear if they bothered to leave their own insurance info with this lofty bit of PANess, it wouldn’t surprise me if they felt it beneath them.

    Sep 9, 2013 at 10:23 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   FeRD bang

      Oh, I’d say it’s pretty clear the notewriter didn’t leave any contact info. I’m sure he/she felt this little missive said it all… and I suppose it does.

      Quicker and less strenuous than belting out a few verses of Denis Leary’s “Asshole” to get the same point across, too. Though it still isn’t better than just skipping the damn note entirely. Hooray for Passive-Aggressive Wasteful-Efficiency!

      Sep 9, 2013 at 11:24 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   Lythande

      Given that last line “Hope you have insurance!”, it sounds like they didn’t leave it. Is it too much for me to hope that this is written on the back of an envelope with their name and address on it?

      Sep 9, 2013 at 11:24 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.3   a-Arialist

      My guess is that they got out of their car and wrote this masterpiece of PAness so that any onlookers would assume that they were leaving their insurance details, and not feel inclined to take their licence plate number and leave it for man in Toyota.

      Sep 10, 2013 at 3:13 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.4   Kimberly

      My guess is that the envelope is a bank deposit envelope. That is what I write all of my PA parking notes on.

      Sep 16, 2013 at 11:29 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #3   ElleDubs

    douchecanoe’s a new one for me — love it.

    Sep 9, 2013 at 10:24 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   AlyInSebby


      Sep 10, 2013 at 6:47 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #4   Wench

    Just remember people: Karma’s a bitch and hopefully will catch up real soon with this asshat…..

    Sep 9, 2013 at 11:00 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Mantis bang

      Sadly, karma isn’t real.

      Sep 13, 2013 at 6:38 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   Haribo Lector

      To believe in karma, you’d have to believe that disabled people did something to deserve it, which would make you a terrible person. QED.

      I’m sure you’re not a terrible person, though, and simply hadn’t given enough thought to what a vile and hateful idea the notion of karma actually is.

      Nov 16, 2013 at 3:19 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #5   Madrias

    I vote to have the note fingerprinted. That constitutes hit and run.

    Sep 10, 2013 at 12:22 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   weed store

      lol yep the police will be right on it

      Sep 10, 2013 at 6:36 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   Beth

      Actually, the police would take finger prints. I worked at a Dollar General a few years back and someone kept stealing the grocery carts and abandoning them in a wooded area about 2 miles from the store. When we found them, the police came and dusted them for finger prints. Seemed stupid to me since I am sure there were hundreds of fingerprints on any one of those grocery carts, but they still did it anyways. That shit is hard to clean off, though!

      Sep 10, 2013 at 7:38 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.3   redheadwglasses

      Actually, no the police will NOT take fingerprints. Police in cities across the U.S. are dealing with budget cuts and are refusing to deal with all kinds of nuisance crimes. My friend’s car got hit by someone else on their street, while her car was parked in front of the house. There were witnesses, and the person admitted doing it. The COPS refused to come out and issue a citation or file a police report. “We aren’t doing that anymore.”

      And her insurance company said it was her fault — nevermind that her car was legally parked on the street and that an idiot ran into it *while texting and driving* (illegal here).

      Sep 10, 2013 at 8:13 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.4   The Elf

      Fingers don’t leave good prints on porus material anyway, so it’s a moot point.

      There are ways to do it, but the best, clearest prints are on hard flat surfaces like glass and metal.

      Sep 10, 2013 at 8:44 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.5   Alex

      Actually, the willingness of the police to take fingerprints in a situation like this one may vary by locality.

      Sep 13, 2013 at 1:08 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.6   Haribo Lector

      Yeah, the police do have limited resources. Personally, I’d be completely in favour of being able to pay to get things fingerprinted as an extra service the police could offer as a revenue stream. Then you just include that cost in your claim for damages when you sue the culprit.

      Nov 16, 2013 at 3:21 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #6   H for Toy

    When I buy a “gas-guzzling wannabe Jeep,” you suddenly become a bad driver? I must have some strange, backwards superpower.

    Sep 10, 2013 at 6:52 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #7   Dane Zeller

    Funny, I thought Chrysler bought Jeep years ago, and then started making wannabe jeeps along with their wannabe cars and mini-vans.

    Sep 10, 2013 at 7:26 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   it's naptime

      You’re making my jeep feel bad. He never did anything to you, you bully. Now I’m going to have to get off my lazy ass and install that new air filter just to make him feel better.

      Sep 10, 2013 at 2:49 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #8   Snicklefritz

    The FJ Cruiser seems more like a Range Rover or Hummer wannabee rather than a jeep wannabee.

    Sep 10, 2013 at 8:05 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #9   The Elf

    Wait a sec – if this a-hole dinged the car’s BUMPER (the part designed to take a ding), then surely their own car is damaged in some way too. I mean, it’s quite likely they aren’t driving an SUV or truck, not with the sanctimony dripping off that note. Likely, the part that struck the bumper was a more fragile part than a bumper, given that cars are lower to the ground than SUVs (especially Jeep and Jeep clones, which tend to have lifts).

    We can reasonably assume this a-hole has some damage himself. Oh well, I guess that’s what happens when you drive like a blind crack monkey. Hope you have insurance!

    Sep 10, 2013 at 8:49 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #10   redheadwglasses

    My friend’s grandma is crazy (literally). And rather old. One day, grandma’s daughters noticed that their mom’s car was banged up. “Mom, what happened to your car?” Mom: “Oh, I sideswiped someone’s car at the grocery store, but it’s okay, no one saw me.” (And she literally thought that was okay: If no one sees you, you did nothing wrong.) This happened in small town rural Minnesota. Daughters spent the next month driving around, looking for cars that matched the damage, so they could pay for the damage, but had no luck and gave up.

    Sep 10, 2013 at 9:18 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Lil'

      That was really honorable of the daughters. I admire them for trying to make it right on their mother’s behalf. Someone banged up my car in the Walmart parking lot in broad daylight and no one bothered to even get a license plate or description for me. Not their problem, I guess. It’s a busy store, I was parked near the entrance, and my car was jacked up, so I’m confident someone saw something. It is such a pain to handle a hit and run claim with no witnesses.

      Sep 10, 2013 at 10:08 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #10.2   The Elf

      Yeah, we had the same problem with someone who backed into our SRT-4 and damaged the front end. That’s where the intercooler is, so there was a lot more than just cosmetic damage here. Not witnesses, no nothing. We had to eat it.

      Effin’ douchecanoe.

      Sep 10, 2013 at 1:04 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #10.3   Raichu

      Honest question: if this lady is literally crazy, why is she driving?

      That said, good for the daughters for trying to do the right thing. I can only hope the damage was relatively un-terrible.

      Sep 10, 2013 at 1:54 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #10.4   kermit

      If you’re parked near the entrance of the store, chances are the whole thing was captured by the store’s cameras (or the shopping plaza’s security cameras).

      This (among many many many other good reasons) is why you should avoid going to Walmart at all costs. Their customer base seems to be mostly crazed lunatics.

      Sep 10, 2013 at 9:47 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #10.5   Lil'

      The cop told me that they don’t check the security cameras because the quality on the tapes are so low. They claim it never gives them any leads. I personally think that was a crock and they didn’t want to be troubled to do it over what they perceive to be a petty crime. I guarantee they would have checked them for a getaway car if the store had been robbed.

      Sep 11, 2013 at 7:22 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #10.6   redheadwglasses

      Lil: A local business owner caught a repeat offender breaking into his business on really high quality video — if you knew the guy, you’d know in a second it was him, because the images were so good and clear. He took the video to the police (he even know who the kid was) and the police REFUSED to investigate it. Said his video wasn’t enough. It made the news. This was *suburban* cops with not much to do.

      Sep 11, 2013 at 10:38 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #10.7   Jeff

      Same thing happened at a friends bike shop. Guy ran (rode) out with a $4000 bike. Had him on video as well as vehicle description and a partial plate that owner got. Traffic cams saw multiple shots of vehicle leaving area.
      Police said ” we can’t do anything, besides you have insurance ”
      Total bulls!@t

      Dec 1, 2013 at 7:48 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #11   Matt

    OK, I’ll be that guy. If you drive a ridiculous vehicle like this without a good reason, I’ve got no sympathy. You drive a vehicle that takes up two parking spaces and three quarters of the width of the street, you don’t get the right to feel bad when someone scrapes the paintwork.

    Of course, the note is still douchey as all hell, but that just makes this a douche-on-douche crime.

    Sep 10, 2013 at 9:21 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Snicklefritz

      And you’ve just joined the douche parade with that statement.

      I have no problem with someone taking up 2 spaces, if they’re parked out in the badlands of the parking lot. If you’re straddling 2 spaces within 50 feet of the store entrance, then yes, you are just as culpable. If you have a big vehicle and you can’t figure out how to parallel park, and take up half the road, – again, cupable. But just because someone doesn’t know how to pull in or back out of a space next to you – no sirree, nope, not gonna blame the big SUV. I’ve seen too much crazy shit driving and parking attempts that I seriously wonder how some people passed their drivers test and were awareded a license. The standards have definitely been lowered.

      Sep 10, 2013 at 9:48 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.2   redheadwglasses

      I know people who drive JEeps. They don’t take up more than a normal parking spot. They aren’t that big of a vehicle. Much smaller than many other SUVs out there.

      Sep 10, 2013 at 11:00 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.3   Dana

      My parents have a Jeep. It’s about as short as my little compact, and it has better maneuverability than my car, too.

      Sep 10, 2013 at 11:44 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.4   The Elf

      So, I assume you drive a moped? Or a bicycle?

      Because I’m a on a motorcycle, so if you want to whine to me about these cars being so huge, I’d like to take the time to point out that you can ride bikes three abreast on a street and park four in a single space. Your Civic, or whatever you have, is freakin’ gigantic compared to me on my bike. Size is relative.

      Sep 10, 2013 at 1:16 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.5   The Elf

      I just checked the 2013 Toyota FJ Cruiser specs. Length 183.9″, width 75″. Parking spaces (non compact) in America vary by zoning, but the standard is length 264″, width 96″ . It fits in a normal spot and on a typical lane. It’s not like it’s the Canyonero from The Simpsons! Please check your facts before boarding the douche canoe.

      Sep 10, 2013 at 1:18 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.6   wah?

      I suspect fact checking may get you banned from the douche canoe.

      Sep 10, 2013 at 2:16 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.7   crella

      Have you ever seen one? They don’t need two parking spaces, they can park in one with room to spare. It’s not like a Hummer or something…

      Sep 10, 2013 at 7:40 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.8   kermit

      I hate to be paddlin’ the douche canoe, but y’all are assuming that people are parking properly in the center of the space, so that it fits within the lines.

      If you just can’t be bothered to manouver your car in the center of the space, it doesn’t make any difference how wide your car is in comparison to the width of the space. You’re still outside the lines where another car can ding your car.

      Also, I can’t believe nobody brought up “Bad park you!” yet.

      Sep 10, 2013 at 9:53 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.9   The Elf

      Yes, if the driver of any vehicle – even a tiny moped – can’t be arsed to park properly then they get a free trip on the douchecanoe.

      But then they’d be douchecanoes because they can’t park, not because they bought a particular kind of vehicle.

      Sep 11, 2013 at 6:54 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.10   The Elf

      I forgot about “Bad park you!” That’s a shame; it was a classic PAN.

      Bad reference recall us.

      Sep 11, 2013 at 6:58 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.11   redheadwglasses

      I have quit riding my motorcycle (lost my confidence/nerve), but I loved being able to park in ramps for free!

      Sep 11, 2013 at 10:40 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.12   Kimberly

      I think that if the driver that was hit wasn’t parked relatively well there is no way that the note writer would be able to stop themselves from mentioning it.

      Sep 16, 2013 at 11:35 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #12   macphile

    Why do I have a sneaking suspicion that they wouldn’t have left their insurance information on my car, either, even though it’s a Prius? “That’s what you get for driving a car that takes jobs away from hard-working oil and gas workers and causes deadly smug”?

    Sep 10, 2013 at 10:40 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   redheadwglasses

      Exactly. It has nothing to do with “you screwed over MOther Nature, so this is my revenge!” and everything to do with a douchnoozle who doesn’t want to pay what he owes for damaging someone’s property.

      Sep 10, 2013 at 11:01 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #12.2   redheadwglasses

      *douchenozzle. I hate when I misspell my insults.

      Sep 10, 2013 at 11:49 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #12.3   The Elf

      That’s a good misspelling though, because it caused me to read it in Groundskeeper Willie’s voice and that make it extra funny. DOUCHNOOZLE.

      Sep 10, 2013 at 1:20 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #12.4   Tesselara

      I do like the typo “deadly smug” Awfully fitting for the Summer’s Eve poster.

      Sep 10, 2013 at 1:39 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #12.5   it's naptime

      Deadly smug is real. It must be because I saw an entire south park episode about it.

      Sep 10, 2013 at 2:54 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #13   Raichu

    What a class A douche. “I fucked up and don’t want to pay for it, so I’ll leave a snide remark instead!”

    Sep 10, 2013 at 1:57 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #14   Laura

    This is such a sh*tty note to leave someone! Someone hit my mum’s car when it was parked at the supermarket. When we came out and read the note it said, “I hit your car, I hope it’s alright. I am writing this note because I wanted people to think I was leaving my details!” Such an arse! Hope Karma catches up to these horrible people!

    Sep 10, 2013 at 2:21 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Rachel

      Isn’t it interesting how we invoke Karma for those who have wronged us, without ever considering that the act may have been Karma’s retribution for a wrong we may have committed in the past?

      Sep 10, 2013 at 9:43 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #15   Tard

    This happened to me in the parking lot of an office building I was visiting.
    They left a paint scraping so I just sat in my other car in the parking lot and waited for that color car to drive the next morning.

    Walked up, openly took their picture, the picture of the damage, the picture of their license plate and left him my business card with a smile.

    He called me that night and mailed me a check three days later.

    And I can confirm that the police will absolutely not investigate a parking lot crash, Even with witnesses.

    Sep 10, 2013 at 5:08 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Victoria

      I can confirm they will. My sister hit a parked car in a mall parking lot and she skipped out. A witness got her tag number, went inside to the security office, and called the police. The cops showed up at my parent’s house a few hours later.

      Sep 14, 2013 at 6:22 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #16   catethulhu

    “How DARE this car be in my way, in the parking lot, parked neatly in their own space! UGH! How can I make this *their* fault instead of being a decent person and accepting responsibility for my actions? Well, I’ll just leave this note here, so the people watching don’t think I’m a total twat, even though I am. Welp, that does it. I have to get going if I’m going to make it to my interpretive condescending bitchface lessons at the Community Outreach Center for Dickheads with an Undeserved Sense of Entitlement.”
    Not my best effort. I’m not as good at hating people as I used to be.

    Sep 10, 2013 at 6:12 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #17   Ely North


    Sep 10, 2013 at 6:59 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #18   Zairrin

    Jesus, what an asshole. And so smug too.

    On the topic of cars, an update to my stolen car saga, if anyone’s interested. We found Sebastian tonight, abandoned in an apartment building’s parking lot, thankfully. No gas, dirty, absolutely reeks of cigarettes (I’m asthmatic, so this sucks a lot for me), and my GPS and CD are gone. But no damage done, happily.

    Amusingly, however, the thief left his ID on the front seat of the car. So he’s probably going to jail. A vindictive part of me is extremely pleased at that thought… >:3

    Thanks everyone for your kind words and advice, I’m going tomorrow to get a better security system so it won’t happen again.

    Sep 10, 2013 at 10:06 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   catethulhu

      Either the thief is really, really stupid, or they stole someone else’s id and left it there to frame them. Which is what a smart criminal would do. Either way, I’m glad you got your ride back.

      Sep 11, 2013 at 12:09 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #18.2   The Elf

      That finishing touch of the left ID is just perfect.

      Sep 11, 2013 at 6:57 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #18.3   redheadwglasses

      Sorry but also, I’m glad you got your car back! One morning, my then-boyfriend and I went out to his car to head to breakfast… and it was gone. We thought we’d just misremembered where we parked. I think we spent half an hour looking for it (“Marcus” — it’s a black car, he thought it should have a black name) before it sunk in that it was GONE.

      It turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Boyfriend was moving from suburbia to university campus at that time, and his insurance would have gone up considerably, for a car he wouldn’t need more than once a week. So he got his $13K check and after moving, he maintained his license and insurance ( you can insure yourself as a driver even if you don’t own a car) and borrowed friend’s cars or used those Zip cars when necessary.

      Marcus was found many months later, completely stripped for parts. Acura Integra.

      Sep 11, 2013 at 10:43 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #18.4   Zairrin

      The thief also got into my mom’s car. She’s a doctor, so she had quite a bit of prescription drugs in her medical bag. I can only imagine how much they’re worth on the street, but the guy didn’t take them. He also shoved his hand right into a container of used needles, and left even though there was a set of car keys in there.

      I’m banking on “stupid”, to be honest.

      The only thing I’m concerned about is that I had both sets of keys, but the ignition wasn’t ripped out or touched in any way. If it was hotwired, it’d have wires hanging out, right? I’ve asked the police, and the body shop guys handling Sebastian’s repairs, and none of them have any idea how the thief started the car. I’m pretty sure there’s only two sets of keys, unless the guy I bought it from a year ago had another set?

      Sep 11, 2013 at 3:43 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #19   H for Toy

    Glad to hear they found it! A good, thorough detailing should get rid of the smell for you. I’d be lamenting that full tank of gas, but overall everything seems to have turned out ok, and ♪ ♫ somebody’s going to jaaaail ♫

    Sep 10, 2013 at 10:18 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #20   redheadwglasses

    Speaking of car names, does anyone else here name their cars?

    Before I had my boring “desert sand” (beige) Camry, I drove a red pickup for 16 years (bought her new). I had pro-gay stickers all over the back (because I was in PFLAG, and we used the truck in the Mpls pride parade for mobility-impaired PFLAG members to ride in). My boyfriend at the time name her k.d.

    Sep 11, 2013 at 10:48 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   H for Toy

      My first car, an ’83 Plymouth K-car, was named Sally Forth, because we would sally forth on adventures in her. I haven’t named a car since, unless you count my husband dubbing the minivan “the grocery getter”.

      Sep 11, 2013 at 11:07 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #20.2   The Elf

      I sometimes call my old pickup truck “bastard”. As in “Start you damn bastard!”

      Sep 11, 2013 at 2:31 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #20.3   Snicklefritz

      I just named my scooter Louise. Named after my favorite character on Bob’s Burgers. I haven’t named any of my cars yet, other than than a few I’ve affectionately called the “shitbox”.

      Sep 11, 2013 at 2:33 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #20.4   redheadwglasses

      Louise and Eugene are my favorites on that show, but the mom cracks me up, too. The episode where they visit her parents in Florida and discover it’s a swingers’ retirement community? Pure gold!

      Sep 12, 2013 at 8:31 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #20.5   BDC

      I usually just call my car “Baby” because I watch too much Supernatural, (even though it’s as far from a classic car as you can get–a 16 year old Toyota Camry) but sometimes I call her Danica because the first time I ever drove her I got up to almost 70 mph in a 50 before I’d covered the first mile or so (and the first time I went driving after I got my learner’s permit I nearly lost control in this curve right by my house, so I’m normally that obnoxious driver going 10 under the speed limit on that stretch of road.) She might look like the car Great-Aunt Tillie only uses to go to church every Sunday, but she thinks she’s a race car.

      Sep 15, 2013 at 3:54 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #20.6   FeatherBlade

      The first car that my siblings and I had was a 1977 Pontiac Catalina station-wagon.

      We called it Ajax because, as my brother said, “It’s as tough as Ajax’s shield, and as abrasive as the cleanser.”

      Why, yes, we were reading the Iliad that year, why do you ask? ^_^

      Oct 4, 2013 at 4:58 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #21   warns

    Total scumbag, I hope whoever got the note found security footage of the person hitting their car and not only got whatever happened paid for but got them on the hook for leaving the scene of a crime too.

    Don’t blame your reckless driving on what kind of car the other guy has.

    Sep 11, 2013 at 1:50 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #22   Joe

    Any one who comments on these things is a total asshole :)

    Sep 11, 2013 at 2:54 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   Joe's Scrotum


      Sep 11, 2013 at 3:24 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #23   Jetboy

    Douchecanoe and Tyler too.

    Sep 11, 2013 at 8:50 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   The Elf

      Oooooh, I love me some early Presidential historical references. Well, perhaps Douchecanoe will also die of pneumonia. One can hope.

      Sep 12, 2013 at 10:55 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #24   Haribo Lector

    This is why I have a camera mounted at the top of both my front and rear windows.

    Nov 16, 2013 at 3:24 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up


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