Here’s to a resolutely insincere new year

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December 30th, 2013 · 43 comments

Jackie in Alfred, New York says she found this note stuffed under her bedroom door after taking away her 9-year-old son’s iPod and Nintento DS. (“He’s taken to sneaking them to school and lying about it,” she explains.)

related: The Silent Treatment

FILED UNDER: kids · Moms & Dads

43 responses so far ↓

#1 FeRD

Well, at least he’s not sincere about this!

Beware the double negative, child. You don’t not mean what you don’t think it doesn’t mean.

Dec 30, 2013 at 11:22 am rating: 90

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- #1.1 alexpuppy
  
  JeriMlane, how very fascinating. For further information on this totally legit interwebs position, checkout meatspin(dot)com.
  
  /sarcasm
  
  (Also, that link is a very risky click)
  
  Dec 30, 2013 at 5:36 pm rating: 90
- #1.2 Redheadwglasses
  
  Alex isn’t that a bad link? The update pd one is at lemon party.org.
  
  Dec 30, 2013 at 6:19 pm rating: 90
- #1.3 kermit
  
  Oh, no the good name of lemons has been sullied on the Internet! Damn you perverts!
  
  Dec 30, 2013 at 9:03 pm rating: 90
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#2 Red Delicious

If they’ve taken it away from him, how is he still able to sneak them to school? If you take something away from a kid as punishment, there shouldn’t be a way for them to still get their hands on it.

Dec 30, 2013 at 11:55 am rating: 90

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- #2.1 Melissa
  
  I believe, Red Delicious, they’ve taken it away after the child was caught in a web of disobedience and blackhearted lies.
  
  Dec 30, 2013 at 12:01 pm rating: 90
- #2.2 FeRD
  
  So how do you like them apples, Red Delicious?
  
  Dec 30, 2013 at 12:54 pm rating: 90
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#3 sunshynegrll

Kid used an Oxford comma. If that isn’t sincere, I don’t know what is.

Dec 30, 2013 at 12:56 pm rating: 90

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#4 england

aww lol that would make me chuckle if my child posted that under my door. Children! they are hilarious

Dec 30, 2013 at 2:31 pm rating: 90

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- #4.1 Ferris Weil
  
  I have to say, I don’t think this is cute. In my day this level of disrespect toward a parent would be unthinkable, totally unacceptable. I’m sick of living in a society with the sociopaths y’all are rearing. I swear it makes me mad enough to remove all the onions from my belt.
  
  Dec 30, 2013 at 6:06 pm rating: 90
- #4.2 kermit
  
  Careful now, the onions are the only thing keeping your trousers up. You wouldn’t want to expose them to more debauchery and hasten their damnation, now would you.
  
  Dec 30, 2013 at 9:06 pm rating: 90
- #4.3 Raichu
  
  Did you really just post a “when I was your age!!!” comment, Ferris Weil?
  
  Guess what, it’s normal for kids to go through periods of “hating” their parents – we all do it – and only in a home of straitjacketed gloom can I see a parent really being *offended* by this…
  
  Jan 3, 2014 at 5:20 pm rating: 90
- #4.4 gtrgdss
  
  Ferris – Get with the program. We parents have garlic, not onions, to ward off the disobedient heathens nowadays. (i.e., I loved your post – and I’m NOT being sarcastic in my comment. Ask my bf about my heathen son. Further consider, I’ll be the first to tell you I do not put up with the heathen’s crap; therefore, said heathen “owns” nothing, has nothing, and will continue to have nothing until he shapes up and realize nobody owes him jack.)
  
  Jan 22, 2014 at 12:53 pm rating: 90
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#5 1deprogrammed1

The only correct response would be to include your resolution to accept his/her resolutions. Complete with mom and dad’s “aye” votes. And to be truly snarky, print out an official looking resolution, frame it, and put it in the kid’s room. Years from now it will make GREAT embarrassment material.

Dec 30, 2013 at 3:10 pm rating: 90

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#6 Roundredhead

You know you’re getting the parenting thing right when the kid is pissed off enough to want to write a passive aggressive note, and still anxious enough to communicate that he actually does it.

Dec 30, 2013 at 3:25 pm rating: 90

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- #6.1 The Elf
  
  Hahaha, yes! It’s in the job description, right up there with “embarrassing your teenagers”.
  
  Dec 31, 2013 at 6:51 am rating: 90
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#7 H for Toy

Don’t worry, kid, you’ll break your resolution by January 3rd, just like everyone else.

Dec 30, 2013 at 10:12 pm rating: 90

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#8 Redheadwglasses

By the way, kudos to the parents for revoking the privileges. My boyfriend busted his 12yo for smuggling his (old, refurbished) iPhone into bed twice in one night (against the agreed upon rules and of course he lied about it), so the kid had to go a weekend without it. The next time he breaks the rules with the phone, he will lose use of the phone *and* the Xbox (and he got NHL 2014 for Christmas).

Dec 30, 2013 at 11:01 pm rating: 90

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- #8.1 The Elf
  
  You said it. This note is hilarious, but all I want to say after reading it is “Go Mom & Dad!”
  
  Dec 31, 2013 at 6:52 am rating: 90
- #8.2 poopypants
  
  If he got NHL 2014, wouldn’t making him PLAY it be the punishment?
  
  Dec 31, 2013 at 7:00 pm rating: 90
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#9 Old Uncle Toe

Not to worry, mom and dad. Most NYears resolutions are broken in a NY minute.

Dec 30, 2013 at 11:26 pm rating: 90

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#10 The Elf

Since when is “I’m never talking to you again” a thread to the parents? You’d think they’d be like “Finally! Some peace!”

Dec 31, 2013 at 6:53 am rating: 90

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#11 The Elf

I think my favorite part of this note is “Not Sincerely”.

I don’t think that means what you think that means.

Dec 31, 2013 at 6:54 am rating: 90

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- #11.1 Tesselara
  
  incontheivable!
  
  Jan 3, 2014 at 11:02 am rating: 90
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#12 Paula K

I..uh..looked up what the lemon party was a few days ago. Not enough eye bleach in the world.

Dec 31, 2013 at 8:17 am rating: 90

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#13 Kwyjor

22 comments and no one’s jumped on “Nintento” yet? What does this say about the demographics of commenters on New Year’s Eve?

Dec 31, 2013 at 10:51 am rating: 90

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- #13.1 shwo!
  
  Nintento is a cheap knock-off brand from the same stores that sell the Sunny PlanStation and MicroStuft XBoy.
  
  Dec 31, 2013 at 11:09 am rating: 90
- #13.2 Lita
  
  I always thought it was Macrohard myself, not MicroStuft. The things you learn on PAN!
  
  Dec 31, 2013 at 1:59 pm rating: 90
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#14 Tard

Thank God we didn’t have these electronic brain-wasters when I was a kid, or I would have been in constant trouble. Oh wait, I was.

Dec 31, 2013 at 12:26 pm rating: 90

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- #14.1 H for Toy
  
  I find that not at all hard to believe.
  
  Dec 31, 2013 at 12:27 pm rating: 90
- #14.2 Tard
  
  Why, I oughta POUND you!!
  
  Dec 31, 2013 at 2:35 pm rating: 90
- #14.3 Tard
  
  To the moon, Alice!
  
  Dec 31, 2013 at 2:35 pm rating: 90
- #14.4 H for Toy
  
  Ah shaddup!
  
  Dec 31, 2013 at 3:35 pm rating: 90
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#15 Lita

The kid obviously doesn’t go to school with a bunch of bloody thieves. No better way to teach a kid not to take their valuables to school with them.

*cough*

Happy New Year, fellow PAN folk. Break out the booze for me, I can’t have any today.

Dec 31, 2013 at 6:56 pm rating: 90

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- #15.1 H for Toy
  
  Happy New Year! I’ll raise a glass in your honor.
  
  Dec 31, 2013 at 7:40 pm rating: 90
- #15.2 kermit
  
  Wait, you still didn’t have the twins yet? I though you were pregnant all the way back in the spring for heaven’s sake.
  
  Jan 1, 2014 at 9:27 am rating: 90
- #15.3 Lita
  
  Think you’re getting me mixed up with someone else, Kermit. I’ve never been knocked up, and I never plan to be.
  
  Jan 1, 2014 at 4:39 pm rating: 90
- #15.4 H for Toy
  
  Lil is the one expecting twins. I’m assuming she’s had them, since I haven’t seen her in quite a while.
  
  Jan 1, 2014 at 6:30 pm rating: 90
- #15.5 Redheadwglasses
  
  Oh please. While she simultaneously breast feeds her indoors babies, she has two,hands free for posting here!
  
  Jan 2, 2014 at 11:57 pm rating: 90
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#16 Belaani

Snarkey little bastard. Send him to military school.

Jan 1, 2014 at 7:28 am rating: 90

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#17 Raichu

I resolved several times in my childhood that I was so angry at my mom that I would never speak to her again, ever ever ever.

Those resolutions usually maxed out at about 12 hours.

Jan 3, 2014 at 5:24 pm rating: 90

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- #17.1 Redheadwglasses
  
  IME, more like 20-30 minutes.
  
  Jan 4, 2014 at 2:38 am rating: 90
- #17.2 Raichu
  
  Well, I often made them right before bed. Then I would get up the next day and wonder why I was so angry at her while she gave me breakfast.
  
  Jan 7, 2014 at 1:08 pm rating: 90
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