No food, no farts, no drama

March 13th, 2015 · 56 comments

Spotted by Heather in P-town, Mass:

If you are crazy, stay out!

related: The snotty video store clerk lives!

FILED UNDER: retail hell · tourists

56 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Roto13

    What if *they* have a shitty attitude?

    Mar 13, 2015 at 8:25 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #2   Jami

    My farts cannot be controlled! Fart Fascist!

    Mar 13, 2015 at 9:01 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   The Beast Among Us

      Tell that to Mr. Methane.

      Mar 19, 2015 at 12:25 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #3   Sir Puke

    There must be a major problem with flatulance in MA.
    Should the nicknamed be switched from Beantown to Beanstate?

    Mar 13, 2015 at 9:36 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #4   FeRD bang

    (To the tune of “Hava Nagila”…)

    Havea, shittyattitudina,
    They-gonna charge more,
    So don’t you fart. Inna. Store!

    Mar 13, 2015 at 10:20 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Lita bang

      Goddammit Ferd, I just started singing that.

      Mar 14, 2015 at 1:16 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #5   Poltergeist

    Anybody who says “no drama” is exactly the type of person who causes drama. They’re the same people who say things like “I can be your best friend or your worst enemy” and “You don’t know my life!”

    Mar 13, 2015 at 10:53 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Dave

      Additionally, anyone who blatantly wishes to exclude “crazy” people is twice as crazy themselves. Trust me on that one.

      Mar 13, 2015 at 11:41 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   The Elf

      They need to change the sign to say only 1 crazy person allowed in the store at a time, and I’m it.

      Mar 14, 2015 at 11:47 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.3   Lita bang

      But Elf, what about the other personalities? They’re people too, you know. :P

      Mar 14, 2015 at 1:16 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.4   Roto13

      Haters to the left

      Mar 15, 2015 at 1:39 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #6   Tammy

    For a list in P-town, having only four rules is remarkably short…..

    Mar 14, 2015 at 7:06 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #7   The Elf

    I can’t be the only one who would be tempted to rip a nice SBD in the store, right? Just for shits and giggles.

    Mar 14, 2015 at 11:48 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Poltergeist

      Get a group of your friends, stick your asses in the door, let loose, and run. It’s like ding dong ditch, only more offensive.

      Mar 14, 2015 at 1:31 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #7.2   The Elf

      Ding dong shits?

      Mar 15, 2015 at 7:04 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #8   Matt

    It’s the ‘have a nice day’ at the end that really sells it. Hey customers, we pretty much despise you and think you’re all farting lunatics. Have a nice day!

    Mar 14, 2015 at 11:59 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #9   Lita bang

    Man, I’d be so tempted to go crop dust the dairy section. (Why dairy? Why not?)

    Mar 14, 2015 at 1:17 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Roto13

      Where else are you going to cut the cheese?

      I’ll show myself out.

      Mar 15, 2015 at 1:38 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #9.2   TRT

      I’d drop one outside and drag it in on the trouser hooks.

      Mar 16, 2015 at 5:36 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #10   Belaani

    Wish I knew where this place was – I’d recommend it to a guy I know who can single – assedly empty a hockey arena!

    Mar 14, 2015 at 2:54 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Haterade

      Weapons of ass destruction?

      Mar 14, 2015 at 9:37 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #10.2   Lita bang

      Hmm, WADs.

      Mar 15, 2015 at 4:46 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #11   TRT

    For never was a tale of more woe than this; of a Mentague and her Flatulet.

    Mar 16, 2015 at 5:40 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #12   pooham

    Why would they need to have a rule about asking for discounts? Is this a problem at stores? Have I been a fool for paying asking price at the store for my whole life?

    Mar 16, 2015 at 9:57 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   pooham

      And how hard is it to answer someone asking about a discount by saying “No, we don’t offer discounts.” This store sounds like it would be an unpleasant shopping experience.

      Mar 16, 2015 at 12:54 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #12.2   JoDa

      I’m not saying these proprietors are sane, but you’d be surprised about the discount thing. I worked at a notoriously cheap clothing store in college. People would regularly find something wrong with *clearance* merchandise and ask for a discount. On clothing items that were already marked down to $2-10. I’ve seen just about everything: tag swapping, marking clothing with a washable marker and asking for a discount because of the “stain,” ripping seams themselves, rubbing things on the floor to get them dirty…people are savages. The clearance rack was always a target because it was in the back of the store and the employees largely spent our time in the current merchandise sections, you know, where the store makes money.

      Mar 16, 2015 at 4:08 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #12.3   Jami

      From the horror stories I’ve heard in retail people – even people who can more than afford the items in question – are always asking for discounts and coupons. And at the library people are always asking us to lower their fines. Far as I’m concerned they should just pay up and shut up. It’s their fault they didn’t return their books until a month past the due date. But they always want me to waive them cause they “meant well.”

      Mar 17, 2015 at 12:57 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #12.4   kermit

      As much as I sympathize with retail people, my sympathy only goes so far because it’s the only workplace where I was threatened, harassed and treated like garbage by the people who worked there. And I’ve had plenty of shitty jobs in far more dangerous workplaces where nothing like that ever happened, and where I had more rational reasons to fear my safety.

      Mar 17, 2015 at 1:03 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #12.5   Poltergeist

      There are both shitty customers and shitty employees. There is also a difference between asking to see if the item you want might be discounted and *expecting* a discount. For example, an item of clothing might actually be marked down but ended up on the wrong rack, so it can’t hurt to ask. Or maybe you see that one item at the grocery store is on sale, so you ask if a similar item of a different brand is also on sale. That’s perfectly reasonable, and I have personally saved money this way. However, if you flip out and argue after an employee politely tells you that there is no discount, then you’re crazy.

      Mar 17, 2015 at 6:48 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #12.6   The Elf

      Exactly. I asked for a discount at Lowe’s because the only two bags of salt were torn open and at least 1/3 was spilled out. But I really needed to refill the water treatment system and it was late, so I didn’t want to go anywhere else. I wasn’t about ready to pay full price for torn bags! Thankfully, Lowe’s has a system in place for such a thing, and I got a 50% discount. Politely asked, politely received.

      Mar 18, 2015 at 7:21 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #12.7   kermit

      That’s the way it should go, but unfortunately it doesn’t and there’s plenty of blame to go around. From my (brief) experience the customers who caused a scene were egged on.

      Anybody with half a brain (except the people I work with)knows that the essential part of a customer service job is not to escalate the situation but deescalate by calming down the angry customer so that you can attend to at least part of their demands.

      Mar 18, 2015 at 11:34 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #12.8   JoDa

      To be sure, there are people in customer service who have no business being employed in that field, but I’ve personally been the victim of verbal abuse from customers seeking a discount I couldn’t give, for the reasons I described above. The only thing I did to “egg them on” was state store policy, politely (e.g., “unfortunately, I can’t offer a discount on clearance merchandise. It may have been placed on clearance because it was {damaged, stained, dirty, etc.}. I can call someone to see if we have another of this item that isn’t {whatever the problem is}, if you’d prefer.”). And, as I noted, I’ve caught people causing the damage/filth themselves, thinking they can parlay that into a discount (and, again, politely intervened, e.g., “oh, ma’am, I’m sorry, there’s a shirt right below you. Let me get that up off the floor for you! It would be terrible if you tripped on it.” at which point they either huff off or snatch it away).

      But for something legitimately damaged, like the salt bags example, sure, most stores have policies in place to handle things like that (you know, like marking it down and putting it on the clearance rack). Better to sell it for something than damage it out of stock.

      Mar 22, 2015 at 12:38 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #13   kaetra

    What kind of store is this? Beans and Broccoli R Us?

    Mar 16, 2015 at 9:58 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #14   Kasaba

    My dad practically forced me to ask for discounts when I was a kid, and often embarrassed us by asking for them himself. “If you don’t ask, you don’t get”. As an adult with bills to pay, I can understand that it’s worth asking sometimes. When you’re buying expensive electronics for example or a car, or something which implies return business. Don’t ask a mom with 6 six kids for discount on some home made jam. And don’t fart on the jam either.

    Mar 16, 2015 at 10:36 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   labdude

      As a veteran craft fair vendor, I hear you Kasaba. I don’t recall dealing directly with the ‘discount’ crowd, (hmmmm, maybe I’m not charging enough?) but I’ve heard war stories from those who have. Perhaps I just show at a better class of craft fairs.
      This place sounds like one of those cutesy boutiques (P-town is *full* of them) that attract tourists who think that they’re in some cruise port where bargaining with the locals is expected.
      I suspect after a while one gets tired of ‘dealing’ with folks who don’t understand that any particular establishment is, in fact, how the proprietor makes a living. Nevertheless, how hard is it to say “All prices as marked” ?

      Mar 17, 2015 at 12:20 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #14.2   JoDa

      When in places where haggling is expected, I can haggle with the best of them. When making large purchases, there’s no reason not to ask for a discount (“I like this fridge, but it’s a little out of my budget…I need a dishwasher, too, any chance of a package deal?” Or, say the fridge and dishwasher come up to $2200 “My budget for these items is closer to $2000″ (a 10-15% discount on such large items is usually a winner, assuming they’re not on some kind of spectacular markdown already, and this gives them the opportunity to say “our prices are firm, but we have some models that fit that bill” if they *can’t* offer a discount)).

      But at some local boutique? Their prices are so high because running small stores is expensive. Granted, I’ve seen plenty of boutiques that have taken it way too far with the prices, so I just don’t buy anything. Only if the *salesperson* indicates that a discount might be on the table would I broach the subject in a small store.

      Mar 17, 2015 at 6:17 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #14.3   JoDa

      ^”Where haggling is expected” for me, is Asia. China/Vietnam, specifically. Prices *definitely* not as marked. If you don’t start by offering them 20-40% of the sticker price (depending on how egregious the markup is), they smell a sucker and go for the kill. I usually pay 30-50% of sticker price, in markets there.

      Mar 17, 2015 at 6:19 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #14.4   Kasaba

      When I visited Turkey last year with my mom, we got pulled into a carpet shop down some alley, through a shop, through someone’s house, through another shop, through a pen full of goats, through the back of a closet into Narnia…. one of those places. It was like a hostage situation trying to bargain our way out of there, because these guys were not going to let us leave without a sale. After one cup of tea, the price of a kiln I said was “beautiful, but I had no room or need for”, had dropped by about 20%, after another cup, we were almost at half the original price…..I had no intention of buying anything. In the end my mom, less strong-willed than me, bought a bracelet at full price and we were promptly ejected from the place.

      Mar 18, 2015 at 7:38 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #14.5   Poltergeist

      After being dragged into a back alley carpet shop, you and your mother proceeded to drink a beverage provided to you by strange men persistant on selling something? You’re lucky the only bad thing that happened was that you ended up going home with a bracelet you didn’t want.

      Mar 18, 2015 at 1:22 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #14.6   Kasaba

      Hmm, I guess I could look at it that way, and maybe in hindsight I should’ve made a big fuss and yanked my arm free and stormed refusing to go and listen to this guy pitching his wares. But in my travels, I have learned we should not always be so very weary and mistrusting of people. Bad things can happen, yes, of course, but you can also miss a chance to experience part of the true culture of a place. It was one of those situations where you risk insulting your local “host” by refusing the offer of food / beverage. This happens all over Turkey, people invite you into their home for tea or coffee.

      Later on in our trip we were shown extreme kindness by the owner of the small hotel in a small town where we were staying. My mom got sick and he took us to hospital in the nearest city, interpreted for us, and stayed with me all evening while my mom was being treated. He bought me food, told me his life story, and drove us back very late at night, and then took us to the pharmacy the next day too. I was very touched, because it was extremely scary for me. My mom thought she might have malaria……But, I digress…..because of that carpet incident, you couldn’t drag me back to Istanbul. You are constantly being harassed to buy stuff. It’s exhausting. You’d never see the PA note above over there.

      Mar 18, 2015 at 2:15 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #14.7   JoDa

      If you do it enough, your market skills get better. You learn to “browse” from far enough away and quickly enough that the stall keeper doesn’t notice you looking until you’ve made up your mind. I’ve impressed some newer coworkers by saying “what did you think of that scarf in the last stall?” and they’re all “there were scarves? You moved past it so quickly I didn’t see what they were selling!” (I was casing it from 3 stalls back)

      And, of course, you never really “make up your mind.” The best deals come when you’re ready to walk away. ;)

      Mar 22, 2015 at 12:48 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #14.8   JoDa

      And, yeah, there’s a balancing act between accepting hospitality and not being the victim of a crime when abroad, though the crime is, most often, just a small scam, not something violent or dangerous. Let me just say this: if you’re in China, and some “tourists” or “students” who are clearly Chinese ask you to join them for “an amazing, authentic tea ceremony our hotel staff told us about,” DON’T GO. Politely tell them that you have plans soon (“oh, that sounds very nice, but we have to meet our friends in just a few minutes for a reservation…thank you, but we couldn’t possibly fit it in our schedule.”) and WALK AWAY. If you go, you’ll be hit with a massive bill and the “fellow tourists” who invited you will suddenly have no money or have outright disappeared (step off to the restroom never to return).

      This is a good guide. My public service for the day. :)

      Mar 22, 2015 at 1:06 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #14.9   Kasaba

      JoDa, love your description of your browsing style. Might have to try it. I don’t have any plans to go to China soon or ever, but good to know. I’m usually travelling on my own, so I tend to read up on common local scams before visiting a specific city/region. InYourPocket guides are brilliant if you’re travelling in Eastern Europe, their writers have an amazing sense of humor. I recommend the ones on Vilnius and Palanga especially. The descriptions of the clubs and various scams they run, are very funny.

      Ignoring minor informal robberies by taxi drivers taking advantage of the occasionally wimpy/lost tourist, me, the only time I’ve been a victim of crime in Europe was in London, where I live! After visiting one of our markets, I came home to find someone had cut my bag open (I assume with a boxcutter) in the crush of the market and stole my wallet…..but left two cameras. So, yeah, kids, carry your bag on your front, not your back.

      Mar 22, 2015 at 3:07 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #14.10   JoDa

      Yeah, I avoid backpacks because they’re too easy a target. You can’t see them easily (“eyes in the back of your head” is a JOKE), and it’s easy enough for someone to yank it open and, when you turn, say “sorry, I tripped and grabbed your bag…my bad.” If I carry one, it’s because I have larger stuff I need to carry, but I also carry my purse, with a strap short enough that it fits neatly under my arm, with my valuables in it (wallet, phone, ID (passport and/or DL), camera, etc.). I also tend to stuff a chunk of cash (when abroad, I almost never carry cash in the US), my primary credit card (one that allows you to withdraw cash, preferably), and one ID (usually the driver’s license…it’s thin and easy to slip into a pocket) in my front (hip) pants pocket (or a pocket with a button…I have a pair of “cargo” capris with a pocket with a button on the knee…a great place to stash my “emergency” stuff), so even if someone rips my purse off my arm I have options/necessities. At least then I can hail a cab/jump on public transit back to my hotel, prove who I am, and get the assistance I need.

      I also print a copy of all my credit cards (front and back), driver’s license (same), my health insurance card (your health insurance may not offer coverage abroad (mine does), but it never hurts to have that info handy!), any paper transportation tickets I have (airplane, train, etc.), my full itinerary with confirmation numbers (TripIt is GENIUS for this…everything in one place), and the ID and visa (if applicable) pages in my passport, and keep those in the hotel room safe/my carry-on when in transit. Somewhere on these pages, I write the address, phone number, and email of the local US embassy(ies)/consulate(s) for everywhere I will be traveling/transiting through (if you get sick on the plane and need to go to a doctor/the hospital when you land for a stop, that information could come in handy). If you print/copy double-sided, that’s 4-5 pieces of paper that can seriously save your behind!

      Aaaaaand, I’ve clearly done this too many times. I guess “if I help one person reduce their hassle if something bad happens, I achieved my goal?” Above all, don’t be scared, be PREPARED. You don’t need to spend your whole AMAZING vacation worrying what you would do on the off chance someone snatched your purse if the answer is “be very angry…then take the money out of my pocket, hail a cab back to my hotel, and set about calling my credit card companies and the local embassy/consulate to fix it.” Don’t get me wrong…that would SUCK (and it’s NEVER happened to me in many, many months (maybe years?) spent abroad), but it would suck more if you couldn’t just grab a few papers out of the safe when you safely and efficiently made it back to your hotel and just deal with it.

      Mar 23, 2015 at 10:19 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #14.11   Kasaba

      So, sensible. I’ve never been THAT well prepared. All very sensible to do.

      Mar 24, 2015 at 3:54 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #14.12   Rattus

      I’m not a shill, by any means, but I would like to recommend a backpack. Pacsafe bags are anti-slash and have locking zippers. I sewed an extra lower pocket, with zipper, beneath the wallet pocket in the interior of my day-back and that is where I keep my extra cash and passport. The only thing that goes into the exterior pocket is gum, lip balm, and my phone – though that pocket also has a zipper lock so it is really difficult to get into.

      Mar 24, 2015 at 10:02 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #14.13   Jami

      I’ve only been abroad a couple of times, but my parents and I have these pouches that you wear under your clothing to store extra cash and things you fear might get stolen. Mom and I have ones you wear around the neck and the pouch hangs down to about belly level, dad’s goes around the waist. And unless you pack it super full and/or wear extremely tight clothing you can’t tell it’s there.

      Mar 25, 2015 at 10:22 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #15   Real reality TV!

    Aw, but drama keeps it interesting! ;)

    Mar 16, 2015 at 11:03 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #16   kermit

    “No crazy people allowed, eh? Alrighty, then I’ll leave quietly and not make a scene.Toodles!” – said no crazy person, ever.

    Mar 16, 2015 at 3:40 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #17   Madrias

    Am I the only one who wants to walk through the front door, let off a big, bombastic fart, and then ask the owners, “What are you going to do about it?”

    Mar 17, 2015 at 1:09 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #18   The Elf

    P-town, huh? Are we sure this isn’t Poop-town? Deuceville? Fartsburg? Shartlington? Flatus-On-Avon?

    Mar 17, 2015 at 10:02 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #19   Lita bang

    Working there must be a gas.

    (And now, apropos of nothing, I have Classical Gas in my head.)

    Mar 17, 2015 at 2:00 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #20   Lita bang

    Augh! Sidetrack time again.

    The eye bleed hath made its not-so-triumphant return. NEEDLE TO ZE EYE has hopefully fixed this (again), but I may need to have this done monthly now since it’s officially a Recurring Thing. Sulk. Pout.

    Sooooo if I’m super cranky about once a month now…it’s my eye, really. :P

    (sidetrack over, let us now return to our not-so-regularly scheduled PANs)

    Mar 23, 2015 at 5:58 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   kermit

      Eeep. Take good care of your noggin’, Lita.

      Check with your doctor first, but I find camomile tea compresses to be really soothing, and gets rid of red eye better than Visine drops.

      Mar 23, 2015 at 9:37 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #20.2   Lita bang

      Noggin prevails! A good night’s sleep > all. :D

      Actually, I’m allergic to chamomile (only mildly – gives me hayfever-like symptoms. That can apparently happen if you have ragweed allergies, which I do.) So I’m stuck with the drops. But thanks for the suggestion~

      Mar 24, 2015 at 1:14 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #21   LiQUiD CheeZ

    If you have kids, refer to Rule #1

    Apr 24, 2015 at 6:26 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up


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